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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
anonforamo · 08/08/2021 04:21

100% cancel if a) you are unsure b) he needs childminding about money c) he'd be this disrespectful.

Absolutely unacceptable. You deserve so much more.

Ohfudgeme · 08/08/2021 04:29

Are you ok op?

Did you end up finding out about how much he spent on credit cards.

EatAllDay · 08/08/2021 04:41

Is he prone to letting you down or is this a once off? Overall are you very happy together?
Bottom line is if you are not 100% sure you want to be married, you should postpone. I think if someone has any doubts at all you should not proceed.
Hope you’ll be ok

GrandmasCat · 08/08/2021 05:00

For purely pragmatic reasons I think you should go ahead with the wedding. The relationship might end at some point and you will have better legal protection as a wife than as a girlfriend.

I almost spit my coffee at that! That works perfectly if you have assets or had time to acquire plenty of them, but with so little money, at this time of the relationship it would be much cheaper (and much less soul destroying) not getting married at all.

Nat6999 · 08/08/2021 05:16

If you have any doubts then please cancel, better that than spending the rest of your life regretting it & it costing you loads to get divorced. Whose name is your house in?

UniversalAunt · 08/08/2021 05:25

Legally binding yourself to someone who is financially incontinent is a high risk venture.

Add in the reality of & responsibilities for children makes for some hard-headed decision making.

By all means, this may be a blip before the commitment of marriage & how you handle that is up to you.

But by binding yourself to someone who makes rash decisions about money & family priorities is a body blow to your autonomy & independence.

Cancelling the wedding is one thing, I would consider postponing the marriage until this matter is resolved is the key point.

MyOtherProfile · 08/08/2021 05:37

When is he due home? Has he ever done this before?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 08/08/2021 05:40

I would definitely cancel the wedding.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/08/2021 05:44

Sorry this is a massive red flag, I would not marry this man until he grows up and learns responsibility for his family. He has taken food out of you and his childs mouth in order to go and watch naked women. He clearly does not view his family as a priority.
And WHY does he need a stag do when you have a child together?
Strip club? There are warning signs all over the place.
Divorce is so expensive, my DIL left her ex husband 10 years ago and recently divorced him using online services as they both agreed on everything, no blame as over 5 years, and agreed the consent order but he refused to pay for any of it.
It cost her £2k.
Going through court costs thousands and thousands and usually gets nasty. Please don't marry him.

Sadiecow · 08/08/2021 05:53

I'd cancel in a heartbeat!

His stag means more to him than his wedding!

Plumtree391 · 08/08/2021 05:54

9daystillwedding: We were originally eloping but my OH dad was pleased with not being invited
......
Why, doesn't he like you?

I hope your fiance is home by now anyway. I think he was wrong to go out and spend such money, it was irresponsible of him. However he must have the money available to be able to spend it so maybe not as hard up as you think.

(My idea of a small wedding is the couple going to the registrar with two witnesses. Maybe having a party at home later on to celebrate.)

Eatingsoupwithafork · 08/08/2021 05:59

Wow can’t believe the responses on here…

Firstly, he’s on a stag do, many men end up a strip clubs on their stag do or at a friends stag do. Doesn’t mean they are all perverts or having sex with someone else. It’s just an age old tradition.

Secondly, the moneys not ideal but is it possible he’s just got himself carried away, he’s with his mates, the day is about him and he’s went a bit stupid. He’ll regret it in the morning. But if this is a one off I think it’s very dramatic to cancel the wedding because he’s had one blow out.

Thirdly, I think you have trust issues to have a ping on your phone every time money is spent on your account. I have a joint account with DH and would be furious if I thought someone was keeping track of what I spent.

I think ultimately you have trust issues and are possibly resentful he’s had this day/night out. Tell him you’re annoyed, talk it through but for goodness sake don’t throw your relationship away over a wild night out. Now if you’ve got other doubts and this is just the final straw that’s different but that’s not the impression I am getting.

frazzledasarock · 08/08/2021 06:03

Right yep this is all down to trust issues.

Doesn’t matter that the man does not have money to be pissing up at a strip club and he will not have no money to pay bills, and food or for their wedding.

It’s a trust issue 🙄

My bank app pings everytime I spend money on my card. I clearly have trust issues with myself 😱

No not all men go to strip clubs on their stag do. I find something quite distasteful about the whole ‘last night of freedom’ and screw around as much as possible mentality. If your ‘freedom’ is so important maybe stay free.

Shoxfordian · 08/08/2021 06:03

He sounds very disrespectful of you and your plans together to be spending all that money with no concern about the impact it has on your wedding

I don’t think the strip club is acceptable but appreciate some women would be fine with it

Don’t marry him or stay with him, you can do better

HungryHippo11 · 08/08/2021 06:21

He's been a dick but honestly in most people's terms this isn't a lot of money so for a stag do you should probably have budgeted for more.
I would say "most people" would consider £430 to be a lot of money.
£200 on lunch for one person is loads.
And to be honest it doesn't matter if you don't think its a lot, it is for OP and her family. They agreed a budget beforehand and he has gone way over.

HungryHippo11 · 08/08/2021 06:26

The relationship might end at some point and you will have better legal protection as a wife than as a girlfriend
Legal protection means entitled to joint assets, such as savings, house, pension. Doesn't sound like this bloke has much of that...

HungryHippo11 · 08/08/2021 06:29

@Eatingsoupwithafork

Wow can’t believe the responses on here…

Firstly, he’s on a stag do, many men end up a strip clubs on their stag do or at a friends stag do. Doesn’t mean they are all perverts or having sex with someone else. It’s just an age old tradition.

Secondly, the moneys not ideal but is it possible he’s just got himself carried away, he’s with his mates, the day is about him and he’s went a bit stupid. He’ll regret it in the morning. But if this is a one off I think it’s very dramatic to cancel the wedding because he’s had one blow out.

Thirdly, I think you have trust issues to have a ping on your phone every time money is spent on your account. I have a joint account with DH and would be furious if I thought someone was keeping track of what I spent.

I think ultimately you have trust issues and are possibly resentful he’s had this day/night out. Tell him you’re annoyed, talk it through but for goodness sake don’t throw your relationship away over a wild night out. Now if you’ve got other doubts and this is just the final straw that’s different but that’s not the impression I am getting.

I might agree with your points 2 and 3, if OP was well off. But she has made it clear that they're broke. Its not "trust issues" to keep a close eye on spending when you have little money. Its not acceptable to "get carried away" when it means you can't afford food next week. And I expect OP is resentful of him having a night out, I'm sure she would love to go and blow £400+ on a night out for herself, but they don't have the money for that.
Plumtree391 · 08/08/2021 06:39

@GrandmasCat

For purely pragmatic reasons I think you should go ahead with the wedding. The relationship might end at some point and you will have better legal protection as a wife than as a girlfriend.

I almost spit my coffee at that! That works perfectly if you have assets or had time to acquire plenty of them, but with so little money, at this time of the relationship it would be much cheaper (and much less soul destroying) not getting married at all.

They do have a house, that must be worth something unless they have only just bought it.
PopcornMuncher · 08/08/2021 06:47

I think there is no question to cancel the wedding and work on our relationship as I don't want to throw the towel in for the sake of our son and I do love him.

Cancel the wedding but why do you think you need to work on the relationship? He's the nobhead.

Sorry but if I loved someone who prioritised spending money in a strip club over making sure we had enough money to put food on the table, I'd assume that he didn't love me. I hope that isn't too harsh but you seem to think that YOU need to work on the relationship. He should be fucking grovelling to you after his behaviour

Marmite17 · 08/08/2021 06:49

If it's a one off, sounds like he is usually OK with money, cancelling a wedding, ending a good long term relationship, sounds way over the top.

stepupandbecounted · 08/08/2021 06:55

Cancel the wedding, you need some time to seriously consider being married and tied to a man like this:

  1. Using strip clubs would be a dealbreaker for me full stop. I see it as a form of infidelity

  2. He is wasting hundreds of pounds that you don't have, this is especially disgusting given you have a small child together

  3. He has shown you zero respect. You will never be able to have an honest wholesome life with a low life like this.

There is no way on earth I would marry him. No way on earth.

What is at stake now is your dignity, trust and self respect. I would see this as a lucky escape. You are not overreacting at all.

PS I also have a Barclay card and it pings immediately - it is a good way of managing money.

couchparsnip · 08/08/2021 06:55

It's easier for one person to pay and others to pay them by bank transfer or cash. I would wait and find out about this part. It does seem weird that his friends have let him pay though.

And he's gone to a strip club? Yuck. I'd be tempted to leave after that.

Fireflygal · 08/08/2021 06:55

@Eatingsoupwithafork, my bank pings me each time a transaction happens. It's pretty standard now as fraud alert.

Thankfully values have changed and most men don't go to strip clubs on stag dos.

The couple agreed the spend so he has broken her trust. I bet it isn't the first time.

stepupandbecounted · 08/08/2021 06:56

And from this thread it is not difficult to see why so many married men are in strip clubs and propping up trafficking and sex workers given the number of women that are apparently chill with the idea!

Sadiecow · 08/08/2021 06:59

@Eatingsoupwithafork my app also pings whenever a transaction is made. Doesn't mean I'm tracking my DH, nor him me.