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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
nellly · 08/08/2021 07:59

@3scape

Your banking ap must update remarkably quickly
Mine does this, it pings me a notification as soon as I leave the shop! I assumed all were like that these days!

Sorry you've had such a rough night op, I would definitely cancel you won't feel good going ahead now like this

Lostinthemail · 08/08/2021 08:02

@9daystillwedding

I didn't plan a hen, I don't really have anyone. I'm having a day to myself getting hair, nails etc. Well that was the plan, I'm not sure anything is going ahead now
Please do have this day, you deserve it. You really shouldn’t marry him now though and I really hope you won’t.

If you ever do want to get married to him, let him take an extra job to pay for the money he lost with this stunt (so the money he spent on the evening and the wedding costs). If he’s not willing to do that, he’s not marriage material.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

diddl · 08/08/2021 08:03

If my husband had gone to a strip club on his hen night he woudn't have been at all the man I thought & I wouldn't want to marry him tbh.

Same with the over spending.

It would have shown a selfish careless tempted to say even reckless streak that I wouldn't get at all.

Perhaps ott but spending money you don't have on something you don't need-that's really bad to me.

rainbowstardrops · 08/08/2021 08:06

I'd want to hear what he's got to say for himself before I made any rash decisions and also how he proposes to fix the situation now.
I absolutely would not be happy for him to blow that kind of money in a strip club though. Bang out of order.
Hope you managed to get some sleep.

MadeForThis · 08/08/2021 08:07

You need to speak to him and let him explain. Then decide if you can live with the explanation.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 08/08/2021 08:09

[quote Pieceofpurplesky]@PollyPepper trip trap as in the Billy goat's gruff/bridge/troll. The PP was accusing the OP of being a troll.

OP go with your gut [/quote]
Oh, I thought 'trip, trap' was from the same thing i.e. Billy goats gruff, but reffered to the 'rickety, rackety bridge' which inferred OP was on a dodgy path with the planned marriage!

Works both ways I suppose!

Hydrate · 08/08/2021 08:22

My husband says that the friends usually pay.

MsSquiz · 08/08/2021 08:26

I have no issues with my DH going to strip clubs (and I have been to the same clubs he would go to in our city with my lesbian friends)

The issue here, is the money spent! It really doesn't matter if it's on strip clubs or donations to the homeless - it's money they do not have to spend!
Surely, as the "groom" in this wedding he is well aware of the decisions made not to cancel so as not to lose money they have spent. It is not a secret to him. Nor would it be a secret that his "future wife" wasn't spending hundreds of pounds on whatever she wanted on the run up to the wedding (whether that is a hen do or not)

He sounds like a little boy who wants to play "keeping up with the Jones's" while out with his friends. He is immature and inconsiderate, and it's not the best way to start the week before your supposed wedding!

OP, I wish you luck in whatever you decide, but, for your sake and sanity, I would advise cancelling the wedding. Because if you did manage to move forward from this, it would always be a cloud hanging over your wedding

Itsprobablynotcominghome · 08/08/2021 08:27

@diddl

If my husband had gone to a strip club on his hen night he woudn't have been at all the man I thought & I wouldn't want to marry him tbh.

Same with the over spending.

It would have shown a selfish careless tempted to say even reckless streak that I wouldn't get at all.

Perhaps ott but spending money you don't have on something you don't need-that's really bad to me.

On his hen night? Yeah he definitely wasn’t the man you thought he was! Grin
Needapoodle · 08/08/2021 08:29

Secondly. I would have zero issues in him going to a strio club. Their Uber sleezy but meh i used to work in one. It's basically an expensive bar.

Yeah just with naked exploited women involved. I feel very sorry for women who have been conditioned to think that paying (very often) trafficked women to strip naked so that groups of fully clothed men can get drunken boners is normal. Just because it's gone on for years doesn't make it ok.

DancesWithTortoises · 08/08/2021 08:31

Cancel and run, OP.

He's a prick and isn't going to change.

speakout · 08/08/2021 08:31

Yeah just with naked exploited women involved. I feel very sorry for women who have been conditioned to think that paying (very often) trafficked women to strip naked so that groups of fully clothed men can get drunken boners is normal. Just because it's gone on for years doesn't make it ok.

Totally agree.

Blueskytoday06 · 08/08/2021 08:33

Ugh I'd leave him for even thinking of going to a strip club!!!

Wife2b · 08/08/2021 08:40

Difficult one to answer, it sounds like the relationship isn’t too strong at the moment and I’m not sure that’s a wise idea to build a marriage on. However, are you sure he has spent all this money? Could it be that he’s subbed others and they will be paying him back? I’d wait for him to come home and have a talk to give him a chance to explain. It is a rash move to cancel your wedding however I’d argue that if you are considering it several days before then perhaps your gut instinct is that you don’t want to marry him.

Pippa12 · 08/08/2021 08:40

Honestly, he really doesn’t sound like a good man. £230 in a strip club?? Spending your wedding budget/bills money?

Don’t marry him, wait for somebody who knows right from wrong, this will only get worse.

BaronessOfTheNorth · 08/08/2021 08:46

@PheasantsNest

I'd be cancelling it permanently. Anyone going to a strip club clearly has no respect for women.
Exactly.
diddl · 08/08/2021 08:52

"On his hen night? Yeah he definitely wasn’t the man you thought he was!"

GrinGrinGrin

You always see the mistake just as you've pressed post, don't you?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/08/2021 08:52

@Iwonder08

Don't cancel the wedding based on the advice from bunch of strangers whose default option is to leave the bastard. Strip club is a legally allowed activity and a lot of people consider it unappealing but certainly not a certain event that would break relationship. Going over the budget on stag do is not good when the money is so tight, however is it really worth breaking up over? It is one night. Unless of course he has a general tendency to make poor financial decisions. OP, you said you love him and you already have a toddler together. Carefully and calmly reassess. If it is a truly one off event with otherwise healthy and harmonious relationship I would let it go.
So, if you were just about scraping by, and your husband/ partner spent £500 of the money you need for household costs like bills and your wedding, you’d be fine with it? Because boys will be boys?

They have children to feed. A stag night doesn’t compare to that

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 08:52

@Italiangreyhound

OP I wish you well making your decision.

One thing that struck me was "I didn't plan a hen, I don't really have anyone."

Why don't you have any friends? Is this something that your partner has influenced?

Just wanted to say it sounds like a lot is going on so take some time to consider what is right for you. And please do make some friends for contact and support.

No my partner isn't the reason I have no friends. My abusive mother isolated me from all my friends and I went from that abusive relationship to another with my ex partner and the friends I had left he managed to isolate me from. Due to my past relationships with my mum and ex my confidence has suffered and I struggle with anxiety so making friends isn't something I've very good at. Thank you for your concern I do appreciate everyone's encouraging comments
OP posts:
Fieldsofstars · 08/08/2021 08:56

First things first op I’d be asking how much he went on to spend on his credit card.

I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this. Some friends his are as well, him spending so much money. Has he had to buy their time?

speakout · 08/08/2021 08:57

How are things this morning op?

Treaclepie19 · 08/08/2021 09:00

I'm sorry OP :( How awful for you Flowers

UmbrellaInAugust · 08/08/2021 09:02

Sorry you are going through this OP. If you don’t put the brakes on now you will regret it. Something inside you is telling you to pause. Listen to that gut feeling. It’s rarely wrong.

Have courage. Be strong.

IdblowJonSnow · 08/08/2021 09:04

By not getting married you'll save a fortune in the inevitable divorce fees!

GrrRightBackAtYou · 08/08/2021 09:06

Why was he the one spending so much on food and drink? Was he paying for other people on his own stag do?
Strip club not great but the drinks are extortionate, maybe he didn’t pay for any dances?
Did he come home?

I don’t understand why pp are querying how quickly your banking app updates though, mines instantaneous. If I transfer money to teen I even get an instant notification that I’ve done it.