Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

[9daystillwedding]

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

@Pregnantpeppa

Wait to hear that he’s not getting transferred the money back and didn’t pay for everyone to be paid back

I really hope that this is the case.

Im so sorry OP 🌸

We eloped. If my husband had gone to a strip club prior and pissed our money up the wall, he'd have been standing at the alter on his fucking own.

@maddy68

Ok. He's been a dick but honestly in most people's terms this isn't a lot of money so for a stag do you should probably have budgeted for more.

Secondly. I would have zero issues in him going to a strio club. Their Uber sleezy but meh i used to work in one. It's basically an expensive bar.

Honestly I think you need to relax otherwise honestly. This relationship is not for you. Your call. But you sound massively over dramatic unless their is a back story

Hey this is brilliant advice! I thought I was skint, but who knew - all I had to do was budget for more.

Hurrah - no need to be over dramatic about not having enough money left for food this month. I'm off to Monte Carlo, on my new budget!

Also maddy - bully for you, working in a strip club. That's your choice.
OP doesn't have to like her b/f going to one, just because it wouldn't bother you.

You live paycheck to paycheck and he has gone and spent whatever he wanted with no thought to you or his child.
I know you say you love him but I doubt this behaviour of his has come from nowhere. Be honest with yourself OP.
If you want to cancel the wedding, do so but don't use it as some kind of tool to beat him with because you're upset. Not that he doesn't deserve it but threatening to do so and arguing but ultimately giving in and marrying him anyway shows him you are weak and he'll just continue his selfish behaviour knowing you just give in.

Like I said, I doubt he's a peach but unless YOU are able to see it/acknowledge it and realise you and your child deserve more you may as well just go ahead

He’s spent hundreds of pounds of money you don’t have on sexual experiences with other women.

Not someone to marry.

Plus those sexual experiences were ones which involved him using another human being as an object. He’s gross, and stupid, and has no respect for you - or any women.

@Curiosity101

How do you know how much he's spent if he's still out?

Is it worth messaging him now, assuming that it's a joint account, to let him know he's gone massively over budget and you as a family can't afford for him to be spending that much. Best case scenario - he paid for everyone initially and they'll be paying him back.

Accounts like Monzo let you see it in an app, in real time

He’s spent hundreds of pounds of money you don’t have on sexual experiences with other women.

...is pretty much exactly what I'd say to him in your position. Spending hundreds of pounds that you don't have, on anything, is bad enough. But on perving (at best) on other women?

Rbs sends instant notifications too.... Not sure why there is so much disbelief 🤨

Anyways OP, I totally understand your stance and think it is a wise move. Maybe it's just my circle but usually the hen/stag is paid for by everyone else.....

@3scape

Your banking ap must update remarkably quickly

I get notified every time money is drawn in/out of the account, what business, and the $ amount.

It's 2021.....

I'd be having a rethink.

@Zzzzzzxxx

Why is he having a stag do if you are eloping

Better yet, why is he having a stag do if you're skint. He's selfish. Fuck him off now and call it a lucky escape.

@maddy68. Maybe you still have a few dollars left from your glory days working in a strip club which has skewed your perception of other people's financial situation but it's a shockingly ignorant thing to post nonetheless -give your head a wobble

OH yes, stag do's and strip clubs, and food and booze, are just the thing, when you are struggling for money, to have a nice little wedding. Lots of choice words , to describe a man like this, but you may a a few of your own.

OP at least he's made his priorities clear before you married him. Of course YNBU. Be it 9 days or 9 hours, marriage is something you should only ever do with 100% certainty.

I won't express my feelings on the strip club...

I've no way of asking this correctly but did you both agree on the size of the wedding? maybe his friends talked him into the stag because there's no party or anything involved? Everyone I know had a hen, even a night out, a dinner out, so I think the indignation on this thread is maybe a little bit out-because if there is no party then this was their party (and yes I agree he should have spoken to you about the stripper, that's not what I'm saying, I'm saying about the fact that he's having a party at all)

@stayathomer

I've no way of asking this correctly but did you both agree on the size of the wedding? maybe his friends talked him into the stag because there's no party or anything involved? Everyone I know had a hen, even a night out, a dinner out, so I think the indignation on this thread is maybe a little bit out-because if there is no party then this was their party (and yes I agree he should have spoken to you about the stripper, that's not what I'm saying, I'm saying about the fact that he's having a party at all)

There is no party because they cannot afford a party. Now he's blown over £400 (& counting ...), they probably can't afford the planned cheap honeymoon either. And possibly not even the monthly bills.

OP didn't have a hen night.
How is this sleazy extravagance justified?
He agreed a budget, & broke it.

I would leave anyone who chose to go to a strip club for there hen do. It's just not charming is it to know your man is ogling half naked woman who may or may not want to be there

Fuck that and sack him off

@HollowTalk

Never marry an immature man.

Never marry a selfish man.

Never marry a man who feels entitled to pay for sex in whatever form.

You'd be mad to marry him, OP.

Wise, wise words OP. You can get through anything together if you're kind and considerate to each other. This isn't that

OP I wish you well making your decision.

One thing that struck me was "I didn't plan a hen, I don't really have anyone."

Why don't you have any friends? Is this something that your partner has influenced?

Just wanted to say it sounds like a lot is going on so take some time to consider what is right for you. And please do make some friends for contact and support.

@HollowTalk

Never marry an immature man.

Never marry a selfish man.

Never marry a man who feels entitled to pay for sex in whatever form.

You'd be mad to marry him, OP.

100% This ^

I can't imagine that this is the only selfish thing he's done.

It's probably good to take a hard look at the things you don't like about him.

Is he generally bad with money? Debt? Impulsive spending? Inability to save?
Bad habits? Drinking? Drugs?
Does he do his fair share with DC and around the house?
Does he have moods? Is he kind and considerate towards you?