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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 08/08/2021 11:28

@9daystillwedding

I was replying to the comment. I didn't mean he does drugs just not excessively. He doesn't do drugs and hasn't until last night since before we found out we were pregnant.

He changed and really grew up almost immediately when we found out

He does do drugs, he did them last night, whilst spending money that you can't afford.
OzMoz · 08/08/2021 11:29

He changed and really grew up almost immediately when we found out

He hasn't he just hid it well for a while. To change means not to revert. It looks like he did at the first opportunity

liveforsummer · 08/08/2021 11:31

What has he said about the cancelled wedding?

HalzTangz · 08/08/2021 11:32

I'm assuming he is with friends and so far he is covering all the bills. He needs to sort this out tomorrow when he gets home, he will have to crawl cap in hands to his friends and ask them to pay their share of the night. This is Down to him to do.

He's not a child, he knows the financial situation. Just spell it it, get the money off your mates, feeding our child should be more important than feeding your pals.

If his friends are even half decent, they won't mind coughing up their share.

If, all that bill is his (and not his pals -though struggle to see how one person could rack up a 200 food bill) then he needs to sell some of his personal possession to replace any money that he went over budget on.

He needs to have a consequence to learn that this kind of behaviour can't be repeated

neveradullmoment99 · 08/08/2021 11:33

See a therapist?
Can you not just talk?

VodselForDinner · 08/08/2021 11:34

You have a pitifully low bar, OP

I cannot fault him for how hard he works. He is self employed and has worked every day, evening and weekend the last two months as when the work is there he takes it. He doesn't take the full payment for a job until the work is done. He will almost certainly spend most of his waking hours this week to try and make sure he gets paid. He is the hardest working man I have ever met

You’re trying to convince yourself that he works hard for you and your child when, in reality, the real beneficiary of all of his hard work was him, a lap dance, and a drug dealer.

He’s basically wiped out the benefit of all the work he did, all the time he spent away from you and his son, and has left you worse-off as a result.

I don’t think you need relationship counseling, you need therapy for yourself to understand what has happened in your life that makes you think that this behaviour is acceptable.

liveforsummer · 08/08/2021 11:34

He needs to sort this out tomorrow when he gets home, he will have to crawl cap in hands to his friends and ask them to pay their share of the night. This is Down to him to do.

It is tomorrow now - I doubt he actually paid for his friends. Oh and the £200 food turned out to be cocaine

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 11:35

@OzMoz

He changed and really grew up almost immediately when we found out

He hasn't he just hid it well for a while. To change means not to revert. It looks like he did at the first opportunity

He hasn't hid drug use from me, it was in October 2018 he stopped and until last night he has not done drugs. Prior to October 2018 he only did it occasionally on nights out, he wasn't a frequent drug user.

He is very open with me, he hasn't tried to lie to about anything. He told me he withdrew money for cocaine, if he has trying to hide it he could have just said he spent it on beer.

I know this thread paints a bad picture but he is very honest with me.

OP posts:
PerciphonePuma · 08/08/2021 11:38

@3scape

Your banking ap must update remarkably quickly
My online banking updates immediately as it shows all pending transactions. If I ordered something off Amazon right now, it would show up immediately in pending transactions Hmm

Halifax

carriehagshaw · 08/08/2021 11:38

On MN it seems anyone who touches cocaine should immediately check in to rehab. In the real world it's common as anything and not a huge deal. I do t do it but know many who do.

The drugs isn't the issue here - he could have spent that money on comics and sweeties. Point is he blew your family money and that's not okay

nancydroo · 08/08/2021 11:39

Well done for postponing. Not easy but you'll feel much better throughout your marriage when you look fondly back to your wedding day instead of if you carried on now.

Sounds like the drug issue was meant to be as a special occasion reminiscent of his earlier lifestyle before DC. Maybe one last time.l kind of thing. It doesn't sound from you OP that his drug use is currently worrying but his decision making was pretty rubbish. I hope the therapy goes well and you get to have a special day in the near future

gwenneh · 08/08/2021 11:41

A “not frequent” drugs user is still a drugs user. Don’t try to fool yourself.

He told you to “grow up” and his narrative about the money changed. That last bit is called lying, and dressing it up as something else is fantasy.

Sounds like you don’t want to believe who your partner is showing you he is. In that case, crack on, delaying the wedding isn’t going to change who he really is.

liveforsummer · 08/08/2021 11:41

If he truly is an honest man then do ask him to do what @HalzTangz suggested and appeal to his friends for their share of the strippers and drugs. I'm sure if he explains it was his wedding money they'll understand. Tbh IF it's true then they took advantage of him being drunk which was unfair as I'm sure they know his situation.

OzMoz · 08/08/2021 11:42

Being honest about poor behaviour doesn't really make it better though OP.

Honestly, if you're fine with drugs then that's your business. I'm not judging what he did with the money. I'm judging him spending what you can't afford and whether that's on drugs, gambling or clothes makes no different to me.

It wasn't essential he buy them but as he has he's left you all short. I'm not jumping on a LTB train either. If you guys can work it out then that's great.

The lack of respect he has showed in spending family money that you need for necessities and for your wedding trip is what I personally would find most hurtful.

It's not a nice thing he's done to you OP and I do wish that you didn't seem to accept that this is your lot.

If you do stay together I would hope you can sit down and have a very firm shape up or ship out conversation with him.

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 11:42

@liveforsummer

He needs to sort this out tomorrow when he gets home, he will have to crawl cap in hands to his friends and ask them to pay their share of the night. This is Down to him to do.

It is tomorrow now - I doubt he actually paid for his friends. Oh and the £200 food turned out to be cocaine

The £200 on food and drinks was from during the day before cocaine was involved so unfortunately he spent that 200 then 180 on cocaine. But he's quite honest, when questioned he told me exactly where money was spent so I'm inclined to believe him, especially with him being so drunk. He says he was wasted and because they paid for his between them he paid for both of theirs. If he wanted to lie he probably wouldn't have answered my questions with 'I withdrew money for cocaine'
OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 08/08/2021 11:42

This seems odd. He bought a lapdance for his friends because they had bought one for him? So really this means 3 people had a lapdance, and the person being "treated" was the one who paid the most? Hardly an explanation is it? Seems more like his friends took the piss.

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 11:44

@liveforsummer

If he truly is an honest man then do ask him to do what *@HalzTangz* suggested and appeal to his friends for their share of the strippers and drugs. I'm sure if he explains it was his wedding money they'll understand. Tbh IF it's true then they took advantage of him being drunk which was unfair as I'm sure they know his situation.
He's not happy they let him pay for so much especially all of the cocaine but he won't ask for it back because he offered
OP posts:
liveforsummer · 08/08/2021 11:45

So they paid £15 each and he paid £70. On HIS stag do when they are financially stable men. He definitely needs to pull them up on this if truly the case

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 08/08/2021 11:47

No, I just don't think it's ok to abuse a poster asking for help.

You're a disgrace.

Oh shh.

liveforsummer · 08/08/2021 11:47

If he wanted to lie he probably wouldn't have answered my questions with 'I withdrew money for cocaine'

Tbf my ex used to do this all the time. He'd tell me some of the truths to make it look like he was so honest and open so I'd believe the rest of the kids. It worked too, for quite a long time

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 11:48

@TheSilveryPussycat

This seems odd. He bought a lapdance for his friends because they had bought one for him? So really this means 3 people had a lapdance, and the person being "treated" was the one who paid the most? Hardly an explanation is it? Seems more like his friends took the piss.
They aren't very good friends. Once they were paying poker together for money and they thought he was so wasted that he wouldn't notice them cheating to get his money of him fortunely that time he wasn't quite so drunk
OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 08/08/2021 11:49

I know this thread paints a bad picture but he is very honest with me.

But if he's honest about using women and class A drugs, how is that a good thing?

thecatsthecats · 08/08/2021 11:49

Those friends he bought the lap dances for - do they have girlfriends?

Because I think that men (or women) who have friends who encourage infidelity is a big red flag.

My husband went to a strip club in the early days of our relationship, with some university flatmates. He wasn't strong willed enough to say no, but he did spend the entire time texting his gay best friend, talking about how disgusting it was in there. His best friend encouraged him to be honest with me even though I'd never met him - and he called out my husband when he was daft and rude about my family once.

This is not to say that they don't have a fun relationship and muck around like bell ends together too - but I wouldn't be with a man whose friends were a bunch of skeevy losers who would egg him on to a lap dance. Low standards breed low standards.

carriehagshaw · 08/08/2021 11:52

I don't think it's fair to go to the friends and ask for money that he willingly spent on them. We dont know their family situations... perhaps they had budgets that they stuck to. DP was probably playing Billy big bollocks telling them not to worry and he'd pay. He can't spring a bill on them now

PerciphonePuma · 08/08/2021 11:53

So he's a druggie as well as a drunk. Nice