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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
MsHedgehog · 08/08/2021 10:53

@Maximum71

Dear lady, get off this thread. The mums on here are not doing you any favours with their judgemental comments. Follow your instincts xxx
This. Everyone on MN loves to pretend they’re in a perfect relationship where the man does whatever the woman wants and would never dare get upset or annoyed about anything. This is your real life on the line, and lots of posters are being ridiculously bitchy for no need whatsoever.

Sounds like therapy is the right approach, and you have a way forward.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 08/08/2021 10:55

@maddy68

Ok. He's been a dick but honestly in most people's terms this isn't a lot of money so for a stag do you should probably have budgeted for more.

Secondly. I would have zero issues in him going to a strio club. Their Uber sleezy but meh i used to work in one. It's basically an expensive bar.

Honestly I think you need to relax otherwise honestly. This relationship is not for you. Your call. But you sound massively over dramatic unless their is a back story

Are you kidding? Not a lot of money?????Shock
SuperstoreFan · 08/08/2021 10:56

He sounds like an absolute knob and you're setting very low boundaries for yourself if you marry him.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/08/2021 10:57

The only partner I ever had (I've had 4- and I'm 50) who could budget was the one who had anger issues and wanted to be in control..

You've made really poor relationship choices then.

speakout · 08/08/2021 10:59

Whether or not you have a "relaxed" attitude" to class A drugs and see them as harmless fun on a night out things change when you have a family and children.

If you are single, no responsibilities or dependents then buying and possessing drugs knowing they are illegal is up to you.
I consider my own attitude to drugs pretty relaxed and I have had wild times - including drug use- when I was single and child free.

However given the illegality and possible penalties for drug misuse your OH is jeapordising the stability of his family.
Aside from the money, mood changes etc, if he was caught and arrested he may find himself with a criminal record. It may affect his current employment and his future career.

That would very much affect you and your family OP.
When we become parents we have to consider the welfare of our children.

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2021 11:04

You're making excuses for him.

Welcome to your life.

ChargingBuck · 08/08/2021 11:06

Why did he buy his friends lap dances on his stag do? (Putting aside any opinions on buying them in the first place!)

He's lying.
He thinks making this convoluted bullshit up excuses him, as he was bought a lapdance, & paid for 2 for other people ... so if he didn't pay for his own obviously he's in the clear Hmm

Just like "losing" £100, then changing the story to he forgot to pick it up from the cash machine.

Just like that meant he now has to find another £100 for his friend's beer.

Just like the bullshit that he's gonna work extra hard this month to make up the money.
If it's that easy for him to make an extra £500 every month, why isn't he already doing it? He could have earned it before this stag, couldn't he? He could earn another £6k a year in that case, to prevent his family from having to live payday-to-payday.
It's all lies & excuses.

All this from a man whose first response to OP's anger is "grow up".

He's just not husband material OP.
Don't shackle yourself to him.

He's blown at least £500 on behaving like a selfish, immoral teenager.
Money that you now can't spend on your honeymoon, or your children, or bills & food.

You're only putting up with it because you are so used to minimising bad behaviour - all your life, from your mother, to your previous abusive partner.

If you marry this man, you will be green-lighting this behaviour whenever he fancies a blowout.

ImInStealthMode · 08/08/2021 11:07

Christ what a drama! Confused

Personally it would be the cocaine that would be a dealbreaker for me, not the strip club.

There's absolutely no way I'd be marrying or having kids with someone that was using recreational class A's no matter how infrequently.

Ponoka7 · 08/08/2021 11:09

If you're going to continue to live with him, you might as well marry him. This was a big test and he failed. Unless you are using the cancelled wedding as a show that you won't carry on as normal after incidents like this and next time you will be gone. I haven't got an issue with occasional cocaine use, as long as it doesn't fuck over the family budget. As said he chose strippers and drugs over your wedding. That's massive. Only you know if therapy would work, or if he'll pay lip service until next time. When you say he's stepped up, are these friends the ones who he used to party with? He might have to rethink friendships.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 08/08/2021 11:09

Stop that.

You've no idea if this will happen. Perhaps think of OP who is having a pretty terrible morning & now has to read your nasty post.

Don't live out your head girl fantasies on me. The OP can stick with this loser and that's on her, but that poor child had no choice.

Birminghambloke · 08/08/2021 11:10

@liveforsummer

Sorry his story sounds like he's not even been bothered to make up a decent lie. Did his financially stable older friends really sit there and let him pay for everything on HIS stag night? Doubtful! Then he lost the £100 he withdrew for drugs so withdrew another £80. £180 for cocaine when you're barely even able to afford your basic wedding that you now can't even have due to his extravagance. You don't even sound annoyed anymore! I think your judgment is off due to past relationships and this won't be the last time you find yourself in this position with this man. Especially now you've bought his story so easily. I'd have his bags waiting for him on the door step! Can't believe the poster that said the money on cocaine was fine as it's less than OP's wedding hair and nails so all fair - wtf 🤣🤣🤣
Not quite what I said. I said I didn’t agree with illegal drugs, but cost wise - this thread is about exceeding an agreed budget- it is similar as nails/ hair is easily £100 (more typically). In their own minds they agreed their pre wedding ‘treats’. The OP is fine with the drugs purchase as it was seemingly agreed. If you’re going to refer to things, at least do it with some accuracy or accuracy of interpretation 🙄
LtDansleg · 08/08/2021 11:10

He’s a shit dad and a shit human being. I can’t believe you’d still marry him after this

ChargingBuck · 08/08/2021 11:10

Men in general are crap at budgettering.

So true! This is why there are no male accountants, & why every corporation only employs female Finance Directors.

Concestor · 08/08/2021 11:10

OP you said earlier that he "doesn't drink or do drugs excessively". So he does drugs regularly? What kind and how often?

He really doesn't sound like husband material in afraid. Definitely postpone the wedding, have some therapy, deal with his drug taking, and so the freedom programme so you can work on your boundaries.

Merryoldgoat · 08/08/2021 11:13

@ChargingBuck

🤣🤣🤣

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 08/08/2021 11:15

These threads are so depressing, why so so many women settle for such idiots?

OP I would suggest exploring counselling for yourself, your standards are incredibly low. I do wonder if you would have stayed with this person if you hadn't had a baby with them. He's not a good father and he's so selfish I'm not convinced he really loves you. I wish you well.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 08/08/2021 11:16

ChargingBuck Grin

EarringsandLipstick · 08/08/2021 11:20

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Stop that.

You've no idea if this will happen. Perhaps think of OP who is having a pretty terrible morning & now has to read your nasty post.

Don't live out your head girl fantasies on me. The OP can stick with this loser and that's on her, but that poor child had no choice.

No, I just don't think it's ok to abuse a poster asking for help.

You're a disgrace.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/08/2021 11:20

@ChargingBuck

Men in general are crap at budgettering.

So true! This is why there are no male accountants, & why every corporation only employs female Finance Directors.

😂
Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 11:21

@ChargingBuck

Why did he buy his friends lap dances on his stag do? (Putting aside any opinions on buying them in the first place!)

He's lying.
He thinks making this convoluted bullshit up excuses him, as he was bought a lapdance, & paid for 2 for other people ... so if he didn't pay for his own obviously he's in the clear Hmm

Just like "losing" £100, then changing the story to he forgot to pick it up from the cash machine.

Just like that meant he now has to find another £100 for his friend's beer.

Just like the bullshit that he's gonna work extra hard this month to make up the money.
If it's that easy for him to make an extra £500 every month, why isn't he already doing it? He could have earned it before this stag, couldn't he? He could earn another £6k a year in that case, to prevent his family from having to live payday-to-payday.
It's all lies & excuses.

All this from a man whose first response to OP's anger is "grow up".

He's just not husband material OP.
Don't shackle yourself to him.

He's blown at least £500 on behaving like a selfish, immoral teenager.
Money that you now can't spend on your honeymoon, or your children, or bills & food.

You're only putting up with it because you are so used to minimising bad behaviour - all your life, from your mother, to your previous abusive partner.

If you marry this man, you will be green-lighting this behaviour whenever he fancies a blowout.

I cannot fault him for how hard he works. He is self employed and has worked every day, evening and weekend the last two months as when the work is there he takes it. He doesn't take the full payment for a job until the work is done. He will almost certainly spend most of his waking hours this week to try and make sure he gets paid. He is the hardest working man I have ever met.

The rest of your comment I understand, it was stupid and immature of him. I have insisted we postpone and see a therapist before we re consider a wedding

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 08/08/2021 11:21

@9daystillwedding
I say the following as someone who doesn't have a problem with strip clubs:

He says he couldn't call you to "check" if he could go, so he went anyway, had a private dance, bought 2 friends private dances, & withdrew money for drugs.

All of this while knowing how tight money is for both of you? That's is the deal breaker here for me - not the stag do, not what he spent the money on, but the fact that he spent the money anyway, without any consideration for his family

VodselForDinner · 08/08/2021 11:21

Men in general are crap at budgettering

Indeed this is the very reason that so few men were ever successful in senior finance positions, or as CEOs.

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 11:23

I was replying to the comment. I didn't mean he does drugs just not excessively. He doesn't do drugs and hasn't until last night since before we found out we were pregnant.

He changed and really grew up almost immediately when we found out

OP posts:
OzMoz · 08/08/2021 11:25

The most basic expectation I have in a partner is to not piss our money that is needed for bills and raising our child up against the wall.

So basic in fact that I really wouldn't think it needed stipulating. It's simple respect and common decency.

The drugs, booze and buying his "mates" lapdances (don't believe he paid for anything for his mates for one second btw) all feature above you, your home and your child in this situation OP.

I feel incredibly sorry for you here, but honestly I don't think I could be with someone who showed such a complete lack of regards for mine and my child's wellbeing let alone a complete lack of self restraint. You deserve better.

gwenneh · 08/08/2021 11:26

@9daystillwedding

I was replying to the comment. I didn't mean he does drugs just not excessively. He doesn't do drugs and hasn't until last night since before we found out we were pregnant.

He changed and really grew up almost immediately when we found out

No, he does do drugs. He just stopped for a bit.