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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 10:30

Men in general are crap at budgettering.

This is such infantilising bullshit.

Having a penis doesn't mean you are less able to use a spreadsheet or notes to track your finances unless you're trying to type or write with that penis.

This 'boys will be boys' and 'it's just what men are like' attitude is what makes women feel obliged to carry the mental load and forgive hurtful, idiotic behaviour.

Decent men, kind men, nice, normal men are perfectly capable of budgeting. And of not spending family money (that their family doesn't even really have) on strippers and coke. That's not bad 'budgeting', it's being a selfish wanker.

GrimDamnFanjo · 08/08/2021 10:30

Look the OP isn't going to cancel her wedding. Her responses are already softening to him.
I don't think there's much more advice we can give here.

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 10:30

@Birminghambloke

He could have done overtime at any point to improve your finances, or even to prepare for his stag do.

I can see you agreed the bits you both wanted ahead of the wedding- him a stag do and you your nails and hair. I’m not pro illegal drugs but the £100 coke purchase is likely less than nails and hair.

I actually don’t think you can afford any of it- stag, beauty, post wedding spending money if extra spending on one night has triggered your concern. Can you not do a quiet registry office marriage? I recall it’s under £60.

His reaction this morning? He’s going to be narked to be woken how he was. He may have also been aware of you moving money.

We should have postponed when we knew we'd be tight with money but we made a budget for this reason. His reckless spending has ruined that and he is upset with himself as he's worked non stop lately to try and make it happen.

He's grateful I moved the rest of the money because he said he was so drunk and knows he was stupid

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 08/08/2021 10:30

Men in general are crap at budgettering.

You mean 'budgeting' but seriously? Men are humans. Like women. Budgeting is a skill that all adults need to acquire.

Why do so many women set such a low threshold for relationships?

Mummatron3000 · 08/08/2021 10:30

You’re struggling for money yet he’s spending money on strippers and cocaine?
Doesn’t matter if it’s a ‘one-off’, that’s a total lack of respect for you and your son and is completely irresponsible. Why is it all right for you to struggle and go without so he can have some tacky thrill from a lap dance & stick white powder up his nose?
I think you need to walk away now.

tobedtoMNandfart · 08/08/2021 10:31

Please don't defend him to us. How depressing.

Hold on to your anger, stand your ground. You don't need to LTB but you do need to raise your expectations. You and your son deserve better behaviour than that displayed so far.

HelenHywater · 08/08/2021 10:31

Strippers and cocaine!?

He sounds dreadful OP.

I would bin the joint counselling and have some on your own. I would suggest you have serious boundary issues.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/08/2021 10:32

He's grateful I moved the rest of the money because he said he was so drunk and knows he was stupid

Is that how you want to live OP? Policing his behaviour? He's meant to be an adult. You don't need another child to parent

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 10:34

@itsgettingwierd

Why did he buy his friends lap dances on his stag do? (Putting aside any opinions on buying them in the first place!)

I think what needs addressing is his ability to stick within boundaries. If he has a budget you need to trust he'll stick to it.

This is all about trust. And whether his reaction this morning means you'll trust him in future. Was it a huge mistake seeing friends from back home and he got carried away? And will he genuinely work overtime to pay it back and learn from that?

And will he stop using a CC for non emergency expenditure?

This is crazy to me that he'd buy them dances I don't know what he was thinking.

He has worked extra for months to make sure we had the money and just wasted his time by doing that last night.

Yes until this month the credit card has only ever been to build himself credit in the UK as he isn't from the UK so had no credit, its never been a problem and it was just to pay the phone bill each month, which he then paid off immediately. I think the credit card is going to he closed very shortly after this.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 10:35

He's grateful I moved the rest of the money because he said he was so drunk and knows he was stupid

The poor lamb.

Even when drunk, decent fathers don't want to spend money they don't really have on strippers and coke because being drunk doesn't make you unaware of the fact you're living month to month money wise.

He would rather pay to have another woman's tits in his face and coke up his nose than be sure his son has enough food on the table and all the bills are paid.

He's an absolute arsehole.

Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 10:35

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Men in general are crap at budgettering.

This is such infantilising bullshit.

Having a penis doesn't mean you are less able to use a spreadsheet or notes to track your finances unless you're trying to type or write with that penis.

This 'boys will be boys' and 'it's just what men are like' attitude is what makes women feel obliged to carry the mental load and forgive hurtful, idiotic behaviour.

Decent men, kind men, nice, normal men are perfectly capable of budgeting. And of not spending family money (that their family doesn't even really have) on strippers and coke. That's not bad 'budgeting', it's being a selfish wanker.

The only partner I ever had (I've had 4- and I'm 50) who could budget was the one who had anger issues and wanted to be in control.. just saying you should each play to your strengths
Elys3 · 08/08/2021 10:35

Sorry you are going through this. It would be sensible to cancel the wedding and see if you can work things out. I would suggest individual Counselling for you to see in the meantime if you can build stronger boundaries and work out a plan for managing your anxiety.

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 10:37

@tobedtoMNandfart

Please don't defend him to us. How depressing.

Hold on to your anger, stand your ground. You don't need to LTB but you do need to raise your expectations. You and your son deserve better behaviour than that displayed so far.

Its definitely not ok. I'm not trying to defend him, although reading my comments it does seem that way. I'm just trying to get across that the cocaine isn't an issue and he usually is a good partner and father.

I'm still angry, he's still getting a piece of my mind when he gets home and the wedding is very much postponed and I want to see a therapist with him before we consider rearranging.

OP posts:
Maximum71 · 08/08/2021 10:38

Dear lady, get off this thread. The mums on here are not doing you any favours with their judgemental comments. Follow your instincts xxx

PearlFriday · 08/08/2021 10:40

Don't marry him! There's no point trying to work on things either.

This is who he is.

knittingaddict · 08/08/2021 10:41

@Maximum71

Dear lady, get off this thread. The mums on here are not doing you any favours with their judgemental comments. Follow your instincts xxx
Lady? Hmm

So what's your advice then as you haven't said.

2021V2 · 08/08/2021 10:42

You sent him out expecting him to do cocaine and not having a problem with it.

For that reason I'm out. No point in giving you advice.

tobedtoMNandfart · 08/08/2021 10:42

@Maximum71

Dear lady, get off this thread. The mums on here are not doing you any favours with their judgemental comments. Follow your instincts xxx
But she should heed your judgemental comment. 🤣
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 10:47

@Maximum71

Dear lady, get off this thread. The mums on here are not doing you any favours with their judgemental comments. Follow your instincts xxx
If you're a woman, you might want to check your internalised misogyny because it's dripping off your posts.

Not everyone is a mum who is replying by the way. And it's ok to judge someone who spends money they don't have on strippers and coke... your bar is low when it comes to expectations of men and im sorry for you about that, but it doesn't mean everyone else's has to be so low.

sadperson16 · 08/08/2021 10:47

Is this a funny wee story to wile away the time?

Doodlebug71 · 08/08/2021 10:47

Its definitely not ok. I'm not trying to defend him, although reading my comments it does seem that way. I'm just trying to get across that the cocaine isn't an issue and he usually is a good partner and father.

Cocaine use isn't an issue for you? Sad Your poor kid.

iamtopazmortmain · 08/08/2021 10:49

This wedding is clearly going ahead so it really is a waste of time me typing again, but for what it's worth.

He couldn't even be bothered to make up a decent set of lies to cover himself. He went out with every intention of doing what he wanted - going to a strip club, snorting cocaine, being the big man treating his mates to a good old boys night out (by the way his mates clearly are higher on his list of priorities than his son or has partner, because the stag do is when the stag gets treated and not the other way around).

The OP seems happy enough to let him treat her, and even more sadly, their son in this way. It's not ok for any one to be using a class A drug, and it is most especially not ok when they have a child they are already struggling to support. Every penny spent on that is a penny not being spent where it is most needed .

This is one of the most depressing threads I have read in a very long time. Stop giving this loser the time of day until he decides to sort himself out.

MsPavlichenko · 08/08/2021 10:52

You mentioned previous abusive relationships. Have you done the Freedom Programme? If not please have a look. It’s life changing.

Being better than your previous partner doesn’t mean that your current partner isn’t abusive by the way, just that it’s different.

liveforsummer · 08/08/2021 10:52

Sorry his story sounds like he's not even been bothered to make up a decent lie. Did his financially stable older friends really sit there and let him pay for everything on HIS stag night? Doubtful! Then he lost the £100 he withdrew for drugs so withdrew another £80. £180 for cocaine when you're barely even able to afford your basic wedding that you now can't even have due to his extravagance. You don't even sound annoyed anymore! I think your judgment is off due to past relationships and this won't be the last time you find yourself in this position with this man. Especially now you've bought his story so easily. I'd have his bags waiting for him on the door step! Can't believe the poster that said the money on cocaine was fine as it's less than OP's wedding hair and nails so all fair - wtf 🤣🤣🤣

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 10:53

The rest of the money was for bills and to cover our spending while we are away for the week and then to tide us over until my OH next pay day

He chose coke, booze and strippers over this.

He's not a good dad.