Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

[9daystillwedding]

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

@9daystillwedding

He had a money to do with as he wished but he knew my boundaries and that strip clubs were not something I was comfortable with. He could have spent his money on almost anything apart from the strip club and It would have been a non issue as long as he stayed within the budget.

So he knew you'd be uncomfortable with it and didn't just go there, he had private dances.

And took money out for coke.

The money to have someone else's tits in front of him and snort Coke is money you now don't have for actual bills aka looking after your kids.

He sounds like a fucking loser.

And trying to convince you that using the joint account in the strip club was some sort of bat signal to you...?! Twat signal, more like. I would be offended if my partner genuinely thought I was stupid enough to believe that.

And his default response was to have a go at you.

What a prince. You'd be mad to marry someone like him.

Obviously it's your decision. But spending money on strip club, dances & coke when you're skinny with a baby and wedding?

OP, it'll be hard for you to get something out of this thread because, understandably, most commenters think you have a far bigger problem than what you posted about in your OP.

When you send your DP, and the father of your DC, out on his stag do with "cocaine money" then you have a bigger problem than you think you do.

It isn't normal to do that, it isn't normal to be so used to it that you just do it "becuase you know he will, and will be less disappointed if you just give him the money for it."

So no YANBU to cancel the wedding. But YABU if you're only cancelling it because of the strippers.

This.... "I think he's going to take it badly and potentially end the relationship but time will tell." is worrying. That you are with someone who you are worrying will "end the relationship" if you want to wait to get married until he stops spending family money on paying women to give his friends lap dances (and because he's let them pay for one for him). You shouldn't feel like that in a relationship. You shouldn't be so ground down that you think you have to let him do whatever he wants, with whoever he wants, and that he takes money from your family that could be spent on your DC to pay for sexual acts and cocaine.

So most people here will tell you to leave him not just cancel the wedding in nine days. But unfortunately when you've got to the "DPs cocaine pocket money" stage you most likely aren't going to just leave him. You'll most likely just let him make you more ground down and next time, "because you know he'll still do it", you'll give him cocaine and lap dance money.

How long before you're giving him "prostitute money"?

Don't let this be yours and your DCs life OP, because your DC shouldn't see that this is how men are, because most aren't, and he shouldn't see that women will just let their DP do this, because most won't

Of course his cocaine use is affecting your son. He’s taken food from the table your son eats at and snorted it up his nose.

Wake up love. Normal, nice blokes don’t disappear with the family food budget on strippers and coke.

Why did he buy his friends lap dances on his stag do? (Putting aside any opinions on buying them in the first place!)

I think what needs addressing is his ability to stick within boundaries. If he has a budget you need to trust he'll stick to it.

This is all about trust. And whether his reaction this morning means you'll trust him in future. Was it a huge mistake seeing friends from back home and he got carried away? And will he genuinely work overtime to pay it back and learn from that?

And will he stop using a CC for non emergency expenditure?

@9daystillwedding

He had a money to do with as he wished but he knew my boundaries and that strip clubs were not something I was comfortable with. He could have spent his money on almost anything apart from the strip club and It would have been a non issue as long as he stayed within the budget.

But he did go over budget (significantly) and he did go to a strip club.

OP it’s your life, but it doesn’t look like your P has any respect nor cares for your boundaries or towards his responsibilities towards you and your son.

I’d not marry him purely because a I wouldn’t want to be financially associated with someone who spends so recklessly with complete disregard of food and bills needing to be paid.
If you get married and he starts getting into debt you will find yourself financially liable for at least half of the debt. Your credit rating will take a beating being associated with him.

Postpone the wedding.

@9daystillwedding

I expected he would do cocaine he used to do it when he went out before our son was born so I kind of made sure he had the maximum budget possible to spend on his night out as I half expected it but one time isn't an issue for me and I did want him to enjoy his night out. Whilst I'd be extremely mad if he came home on drugs or ever brought drugs in to our home or near our son and I'd 100% be gone for this and the same if it was regular, I'm not going to be mad for something I half expected. I am mad, he spent so much money and still bought cocaine

Why are you OK with it?

Why are you even contemplating staying with this water?

I just feel so sorry for that little baby who's going to grow up into a trashy man like his father, thinking women are doormats to be used for sex. So much wasted potential.

@AdobeWanKenobi

Of course his cocaine use is affecting your son. He’s taken food from the table your son eats at and snorted it up his nose.

Wake up love. Normal, nice blokes don’t disappear with the family food budget on strippers and coke.

👏👏👏

He could have done overtime at any point to improve your finances, or even to prepare for his stag do.

I can see you agreed the bits you both wanted ahead of the wedding- him a stag do and you your nails and hair. I’m not pro illegal drugs but the £100 coke purchase is likely less than nails and hair.

I actually don’t think you can afford any of it- stag, beauty, post wedding spending money if extra spending on one night has triggered your concern. Can you not do a quiet registry office marriage? I recall it’s under £60.

His reaction this morning? He’s going to be narked to be woken how he was. He may have also been aware of you moving money.

He sounds like a mess... phone dying, paying for other people's lapdances, losing money, leaving money in the machine... this was all before 10pm! It just doesn't feel like the behaviour of a man ready to be a husband.

All very chaotic. I knew a man like this once but he had plenty of money so his silly escapades were always a bit of a joke. The fact your DP couldn't manage a night out without literally blowing your food and bills money just doesn't bode well.

I wouldn't marry him.

Couple of things you've got to look at:

-he went to the strip club knowing you wouldn't like it
-he paid for everything on his own stag do so what kind of 'friends' does he have?
-he stole his other 'friends' £100 for his own needs and now has to replace that leaving you another £100 out of pocket
-he's doing cocaine, whether you are okay with it or not it is not acceptable to be doing that as a father regardless and on top of that he used your bill/food money to feed that night out habit.
-he's got no sensible boundaries
-yeah alright he spent £500 but that was only because you removed his access to money, if you think about it he most likely would have completely cleared the household out of money (obviously depending on how much was in there)

And my biggest one, HE was the one that fucked up yet he blamed YOU for being upset and told YOU to 'grow up' huge gaslighting there and that has been massively overlooked.

Yeah alright he's apologised, that was nice of him but it's abit late now. And on top of that he's going to pick up extra hours at work so he won't be seeing you or your son as much and you won't be getting the physical support with your son which helps take the mental load off you.

There is so much to this if you read between the lines and I'll be honest, if you let him 'get away with it' this time just start counting down the months until the next.

Your priority is your son, not your wedding, not pleasing other people, your son. You sound well aware of that so you need to act on it.

Don't not marry this man, postpone the wedding until he can pull his bloody pants up and start acting like the husband you deserve and the father your son deserves,

@lazylinguist

Oh come on, OP. He's an arsehole for behaving like this, and by going ahead with the wedding , you would be making it crystal clear to him that he can do it again and again, as long as he's prepared to pay the small price of you being pissed off for a while each time. Go and check out the umpteen threads by women who thought their partner would step up/stop taking drugs/stop drinking excessively etc once they got married or had kids.

He has stepped up and is a amazing father to our son. He doesn't drink or do drugs excessively and has indeed stopped doing a lot of things he did before I was pregnant.

If he was regularly drinking, wasting money and doing cocaine I'd be gone already but whilst I'd like to cancel the wedding I'm not going to throw away the relationship. He's far from the immature boy he used to be, he stepped up and bettered himself the minute we knew we were pregnant. He's done everything he can to provide for us since and we are only struggling for money because covid affected his work but he's still managed to provide for us enough so that I can be a stay at home parent this entire time even with the changes he's had to make due to covid. He's not a bad person, yes he's made some stupid decisions last night which has caused us to need to post pone the wedding. But we probably should have postponed earlier when we knew it would be a bit of a struggle with money if we went ahead. I think we do need to sort out a few things and I think I'm going to suggest seeing a therapist together so we can make sure we are definitely on the same page

OP, when was the last time you spent anything on non-essentials for you? Not for your son, just for you because you felt like it / needed a pick-me-up? If you can't remember the last time you did this because of your current financial situation then I'd be getting very, very angry and looking at your boundaries.

Strippers and coke...
What a catch.....

All of these things he's done... It's very unkind to you, OP.
Don't marry an unkind man.

You'd be mad to marry him. You and your son are not his priority - he couldn't have made that more clear.

Well he is now making up absolute cock & bull stories, you do realise that?

He is panicking & from this point in will be gaslighting you into believing that it's you with the problem. He's already stated with the 'grow up' comment. SMH

Don't know if I believe he lost some money but he isn't a liar and never has been so I'm more inclined to believe him.

You don't know him. You think you do, but you don't. FFS lost money in a strip club that's hilarious.

You sound so deluded OP and you must have a dysfunctional view of things to think any of this behaviour is acceptable. You should get some self respect and want better for your child than what you are currently providing

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I just feel so sorry for that little baby who's going to grow up into a trashy man like his father, thinking women are doormats to be used for sex. So much wasted potential.

Stop that.

You've no idea if this will happen. Perhaps think of OP who is having a pretty terrible morning & now has to read your nasty post.

He has stepped up and is a amazing father to our son. He doesn't drink or do drugs excessively and has indeed stopped doing a lot of things he did before I was pregnant.

What else did he used to do before you were pregnant?!

Quite a lot of judgement going on here - just saying ..
There's a saying: when money runs out the door - love flies out of the window.

EVERYTHING is MUCH more stressful when you have no money (been there done that)
He made a mistake - got carried away - he's human.. if he is a genuinely good guy - then let him work the extra shifts - try and get some of the money back and forgive. If you can't forgive - then no good having a relationship where you carry a grudge

I have the same kind of relaxed view on drugs nowadays- it's not my thing but it's your choice. It's a shame he spent so much - but I get it was his (one and only ) stag do and he wasn't trying to hide it from you. Men in general are crap at budgettering.

I'd probably hang up too if someone called me first thing shouting at me

If you still love him to bits and the feeling is mutual I'd do what feels right
Good luck xx and try and make some friends who are local to you xx

Forget everything else, he went to a strip club. That's absolutely fowl.

Couldn't even look at him, never mind marry him.

Grotesque behaviour.

OP I'm glad you'll postpone the wedding and are planning on therapy.

But you deserve much better.

Prioritise your return to work. You don't want to be dependent on this man.