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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 08/08/2021 09:54

I know this is said far too readily here, and I'm not quite saying LTB that immediately - but please give serious thought to a) marrying this idiot and b) ending the relationship.

The most benevolent interpretation of his behaviour is that he's immature & reckless. Unable to look after his money, going along with plans he doesn't have money for, that he knows you'd be unhappy with

More seriously, you are in a very tight financial position, and yet he's happy to squander so much money, take cocaine (I know you say you're ok as a one-off); he goes to strip clubs & has a lap dance. Are you ok with this? Total deal-breaker for me.

And he's stolen his pal's £100 and will have to pay back.

I would think seriously about your future with this man. Your post resonated with me too, as I spent many nights sitting up watching our joint account being emptied by my (now ex) H. We had two professional reasonably well-paid jobs, and by the end of our marriage (3 small kids), we had almost nothing, I sometimes hadn't money for food. I couldn't tell anyone. I will never forget the horror of it. I've been tight for money at times since but never had that fear watching money disappear, out of my control.

pudcat · 08/08/2021 09:55

Cocaine ???? that would be the end for me without anything else. What a waster

pbdr · 08/08/2021 09:55

So he has thrown your family (including your young baby) into financial difficulty by recklessly spending your money on lapdances and cocaine. This is not someone I would be excited to get married to.

LJAKS · 08/08/2021 09:57

Can't quite believe that you think it's acceptable to use money that you've said is so tight on cocaine! Think I've lost any sympathy based on that alone 🥴

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 09:57

@Iwonder08

Wow.. OP you have rather strange priorities.. You are mostly worried about money when he is taking drugs which you 'expected him to take'.
I'm more worried about money because the cocaine didn't affect me or my son. The money he spent it what affects me and my son.

I was brought up by people who had a relaxed view to drugs and did do drugs in my teenage years. Therefore I think my view on it is more relaxed that others because of thi. However I will under no circumstances allow my son to be raised how I was and my oh knows that. A one of doing cocaine isn't hurting us and he's 2 hours away from home and isn't coming home on drugs

OP posts:
Needapoodle · 08/08/2021 09:58

Sorry op but your boundaries are non existent.

lazylinguist · 08/08/2021 09:59

Oh come on, OP. He's an arsehole for behaving like this, and by going ahead with the wedding , you would be making it crystal clear to him that he can do it again and again, as long as he's prepared to pay the small price of you being pissed off for a while each time. Go and check out the umpteen threads by women who thought their partner would step up/stop taking drugs/stop drinking excessively etc once they got married or had kids.

Needapoodle · 08/08/2021 09:59

A one of doing cocaine isn't hurting us and he's 2 hours away from home and isn't coming home on drugs

Well... It is hurting you because £100 of your money has gone up his nose.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 08/08/2021 10:01

@Needapoodle

Sorry op but your boundaries are non existent.
This. Feeling very sorry for the child that has been born into this whole situation. Drug-using dad who spends non existent family money on watching vulnerable women getting naked. Grim.
Needapoodle · 08/08/2021 10:01

was brought up by people who had a relaxed view to drugs and did do drugs in my teenage years. Therefore I think my view on it is more relaxed that others because of thi. However I will under no circumstances allow my son to be raised how I was and my oh knows that.

And you don't think you have a relaxed attitude to drugs?

pinkyredrose · 08/08/2021 10:01

He said he used the joint account at the strip club so that I'd see he was there and that was his way of trying to he upfront with me coz he couldn't call and he did it thinking I'd be OK with it

More likely he was pissed and didn't think. OP you're not having a hen night but he 'insisted' on a stag do? Does he do this often, insist on things?

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 10:01

He had a money to do with as he wished but he knew my boundaries and that strip clubs were not something I was comfortable with. He could have spent his money on almost anything apart from the strip club and It would have been a non issue as long as he stayed within the budget.

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 08/08/2021 10:03

@9daystillwedding

I just googled this and it says if that's the case in can take 5 days to show back into your account so time will tell I guess
Oh yes. It doesn’t update immediately

It takes it back very quickly. But no. Doesn’t update immediately. They have to have it counted etc. It gets complicated. But it will update. It will pull it back if no one takes it and it’s pretty quick. Few seconds.

Merryoldgoat · 08/08/2021 10:03

All of the contortions and justifications from him are worthless OP.

You are struggling for money.
You cancelled a large wedding to save money.
He insisted on a stag do you can’t really afford.
He went to a strip club when he knew you wouldn’t be happy with that.

It’s all bollocks - he’s done exactly what he wanted to, got his own way and left you short of money.

My friends talked about male strippers for my hen. I told them in no uncertain terms that if a stripper arrived I’d out and end to the party there and then and send the stripper off immediately.

If he’s not adult enough to say ‘no - I’m not going - this is my party and I don’t want to go’ then he’s not adult enough to get married.

Marrying him would be an enormous mistake.

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 10:04

@Needapoodle

was brought up by people who had a relaxed view to drugs and did do drugs in my teenage years. Therefore I think my view on it is more relaxed that others because of thi. However I will under no circumstances allow my son to be raised how I was and my oh knows that.

And you don't think you have a relaxed attitude to drugs?

Yes I said my view is more relaxed that others. A one off night doing cocaine would have been fine had he stayed under budget because its not affecting my son. However because he went over budget and still spent money on it as well as a strip club there is an issue.
OP posts:
Aprilx · 08/08/2021 10:04

@9daystillwedding

I didn't hear from him when he charged his phone last night. I rang him and woke him up and he hung up because he didn't appreciate me shouting at him as soon as he opened his eye... wanker.

Got a hold of him and apparently his friends bought him a lap dance for £35 so he bought two of them a lap dance which was the £70. He then said the other payment totalling £180 were him withdrawing money at the club in separate transactions because he lost some money. He had £100 cash on him as well (this wasn't his, his friend from home here in Wales gave him this to buy 10 cases of beer for the friend while he's in England as its cheaper in England than in Wales) this is also gone so he's going to have to use his credit card to make sure he gets the beer for his friend.

Don't know if I believe he lost some money but he isn't a liar and never has been so I'm more inclined to believe him

He says he didn't know they were going to a strip club and he couldn't call me to check it was OK as his phone was dead. I explained that he could have said no because he knew I wouldn't be comfortable with this and he said its a stag do, grow up I'm being immature and hung up.

He's just called me back now he's woken up properly and said he withdrew £100 at the strip club for cocaine and thinks he's left the money in the machine so withdrew another 80. He had one lap dance paid for by friends so only spent money at the strip club on his friends dances and drinks and then he had a bit of cash left on him which he used for drinks. He's annoyed with himself for losing the money. He said he used the joint account at the strip club so that I'd see he was there and that was his way of trying to he upfront with me coz he couldn't call and he did it thinking I'd be OK with it. He apologies and said he's going to pick up as much extra work as he can this week to attempt to make a little bit back. He also apologised for saying I need to grow up etc in previous phone he's grumpy when woken up so shouting as soon as he woke up he reacted badly.

Not sure how I feel about everything at the moment so going to have a think about it

What a load of baloney, “never been a liar” pfft. He sounds utterly ghastly, don’t tie yourself to this repulsive man.
iamtopazmortmain · 08/08/2021 10:05

Do people really behave/ think like this? You both have very little money and a baby who depends on you, a partner who goes out to strip clubs and takes illegal drugs, and yet your main concern is whether or not to go ahead with a wedding. Out of that whole list your biggest concern is whether or not you can afford to lose the money you have already spent on the wedding???

I must live in a parallel universe.

Needapoodle · 08/08/2021 10:06

The people who raised you had a relaxed attitude to drugs. You have a relaxed attitude to drugs. Your mum was abusive
You're happy for your partner to take coke and spend family money on it. What boundaries do you actually have to make sure your son doesn't end up being raised the same way you did? There's already a relaxed attitude to drug taking in the home he's being raised in. How will you stop oh coming home still under the influence next time? How will you stop him taking drugs in your home? He will probably just tell you to grow up and continue doing whatever he wants.

This might sound harsh but Jesus Christ woman wake up.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/08/2021 10:06

OP, I feel very sorry for you reading about your upbringing & relationship experience.

This man is not good partner or father material.

As your wedding is only 9 days away, I would cancel that and at least pause the relationship. Give yourself some time.

And ignore the crappy comments about your son - you sound like a caring sensible mother to me.

Lostinthemail · 08/08/2021 10:07

So did you cancel the wedding yet or are you going to wait until he makes some of the money he lost back?

ChunkySloth · 08/08/2021 10:07

I wouldn't be ok with spending on cocaine when so skint.

I couldn't look at him the same way if he went out and wasted all our money on the shit yours has, when skint either.

Let alone the going to a strip club.

More fool you if you do marry him op, he's shown you who he is and where his priorities lie.

Who insists on a stag when money is tight???

pinkyredrose · 08/08/2021 10:08

So did you cancel the wedding yet

Christ it's 10am on Sunday morning, give her a chance!

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 10:08

@pinkyredrose

He said he used the joint account at the strip club so that I'd see he was there and that was his way of trying to he upfront with me coz he couldn't call and he did it thinking I'd be OK with it

More likely he was pissed and didn't think. OP you're not having a hen night but he 'insisted' on a stag do? Does he do this often, insist on things?

No he doesn't insist on things often. We recently moved 2 hours away from his friends so since they aren't coming to the wedding and we aren't really doing anything with everyone to celebrate he wanted a night out with them which I thought was fair. Had I know it was a £500 night it definitely wouldn't have been budgeted for at all. He would have had to go without
OP posts:
lazylinguist · 08/08/2021 10:10

A one off night doing cocaine would have been fine had he stayed under budget because its not affecting my son. However because he went over budget and still spent money on it as well as a strip club there is an issue.

It you think that spending too much money on one occasion is going to affect your son's life more than having a father who takes drugs, treats women as objects and has no respect for the child's mother 9 days before they're supposed to be getting married, then that is your issue.

Needapoodle · 08/08/2021 10:10

Yes I said my view is more relaxed that others. A one off night doing cocaine would have been fine had he stayed under budget because its not affecting my son. However because he went over budget and still spent money on it as well as a strip club there is an issue.

Of course it's affecting your son! If he hadn't got the coke you'd be £100 up! Why does he need coke to have a good night?