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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 09:16

@speakout

. My experience with men is they just get carried away whilst being out at night, especially after a few drinks and they just don’t think when they spend money they don’t really have.

I am sorry that is your experience.
I chose not to have men in my life that go on benders and pay money to women to take off their clothes.

This.
OzMoz · 08/08/2021 09:19

When is he due home OP?

Hemingwaycat · 08/08/2021 09:23

You obviously need to have a lengthy chat with him before making any serious decisions but I don’t think I could marry someone who visits strip clubs. So sleazy.

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 09:27

I didn't hear from him when he charged his phone last night.
I rang him and woke him up and he hung up because he didn't appreciate me shouting at him as soon as he opened his eye... wanker.

Got a hold of him and apparently his friends bought him a lap dance for £35 so he bought two of them a lap dance which was the £70. He then said the other payment totalling £180 were him withdrawing money at the club in separate transactions because he lost some money. He had £100 cash on him as well (this wasn't his, his friend from home here in Wales gave him this to buy 10 cases of beer for the friend while he's in England as its cheaper in England than in Wales) this is also gone so he's going to have to use his credit card to make sure he gets the beer for his friend.

Don't know if I believe he lost some money but he isn't a liar and never has been so I'm more inclined to believe him

He says he didn't know they were going to a strip club and he couldn't call me to check it was OK as his phone was dead. I explained that he could have said no because he knew I wouldn't be comfortable with this and he said its a stag do, grow up I'm being immature and hung up.

He's just called me back now he's woken up properly and said he withdrew £100 at the strip club for cocaine and thinks he's left the money in the machine so withdrew another 80. He had one lap dance paid for by friends so only spent money at the strip club on his friends dances and drinks and then he had a bit of cash left on him which he used for drinks. He's annoyed with himself for losing the money. He said he used the joint account at the strip club so that I'd see he was there and that was his way of trying to he upfront with me coz he couldn't call and he did it thinking I'd be OK with it. He apologies and said he's going to pick up as much extra work as he can this week to attempt to make a little bit back. He also apologised for saying I need to grow up etc in previous phone he's grumpy when woken up so shouting as soon as he woke up he reacted badly.

Not sure how I feel about everything at the moment so going to have a think about it

OP posts:
Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 09:29

@Fieldsofstars

First things first op I’d be asking how much he went on to spend on his credit card.

I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this. Some friends his are as well, him spending so much money. Has he had to buy their time?

Supposedly nothing on the credit card but I'll be checking that when he gets home
OP posts:
Heliachi · 08/08/2021 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 09:31

@Hydrate

My husband says that the friends usually pay.
This was my thought but he paid for everything himself and even paid for 2 of his friends to have a lap dance.
OP posts:
speakout · 08/08/2021 09:31

It gets worse OP!!

he withdrew £100 at the strip club for cocaine - are you Ok with this?

PurpleFlower1983 · 08/08/2021 09:31

Wow, your latest update makes him sound even worse!

thecatsabsentcojones · 08/08/2021 09:35

Bloody hell, the brass neck of asking you to grow up. I’d be so livid that I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Being woken up is no excuse. Fuck him, what a wanker. On a tight budget no normal person would think almost £500 on tits and coke would be ok (we’re not on a tight budget but my husband would still be murdered by me for that combo).

I think if you want to stay with this bellend you need to work on being considerably more scary.

MojoJojo71 · 08/08/2021 09:39

So you agreed a budget and then he just thought ‘Fuck her, I’m blowing all the bills money on coke and lap dances’. What an arsehole.

LTB, seriously he doesn’t give a shit about you and your needs

Pinkyxx · 08/08/2021 09:40

gosh this is bringing back memories! Sound exactly like my ex and his stag do.. which I felt equally uncomfortable with (both what he did, the drugs he took, the women, the money he spent). Against my better instinct I went ahead - biggest mistake of my life.

I really shouldn't have been surprised when he spent over £1000 on a motor bike to ''congratulate'' himself when we had our child. ps. this was having told me I couldn't take maternity leave beyond the period my employer paid me in full unless I found a way to continue to cover 50% of our costs (e.g mortgage) as he wasn't going to cover these costs so I could sit at home...needless to say we're divorced.

Run for the hills and don't look back.

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 09:43

I expected he would do cocaine he used to do it when he went out before our son was born so I kind of made sure he had the maximum budget possible to spend on his night out as I half expected it but one time isn't an issue for me and I did want him to enjoy his night out. Whilst I'd be extremely mad if he came home on drugs or ever brought drugs in to our home or near our son and I'd 100% be gone for this and the same if it was regular, I'm not going to be mad for something I half expected. I am mad, he spent so much money and still bought cocaine

OP posts:
2pinkginsplease · 08/08/2021 09:43

He withdrew money for cocaine!

The going over budget I could deal with, strip clubs don’t bother me but buying drugs would be the end of the relationship for me!

speakout · 08/08/2021 09:43

*but my husband would still be murdered by me for that combo).

I think if you want to stay with this bellend you need to work on being considerably more scary.*

Not the way I operate.
If a man wants to behave like this then let him.
You think being"scary" is the way to make a man recognise responsibility and prioritise the welfare of his family?

Fetasalad · 08/08/2021 09:44

As per my previous post OP, my DH did pretty much exactly the same and we are still very happily married. You don't have to LTB at all. If he's genuinely sorry and it's not a regular thing, it's likely he just got carried away in the moment of having his crazy night with his mates.

onelittlefrog · 08/08/2021 09:46

It's never unreasonable to cancel a wedding for any reason.

This is the rest of your life - if you have any doubts at all then you don't do it.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 08/08/2021 09:48

He's a selfish loser with contempt for women and the mentality of a horny teenager. This is what you want to model to your little boy is it?

Nocutenamesleft · 08/08/2021 09:48

@9daystillwedding

I didn't hear from him when he charged his phone last night. I rang him and woke him up and he hung up because he didn't appreciate me shouting at him as soon as he opened his eye... wanker.

Got a hold of him and apparently his friends bought him a lap dance for £35 so he bought two of them a lap dance which was the £70. He then said the other payment totalling £180 were him withdrawing money at the club in separate transactions because he lost some money. He had £100 cash on him as well (this wasn't his, his friend from home here in Wales gave him this to buy 10 cases of beer for the friend while he's in England as its cheaper in England than in Wales) this is also gone so he's going to have to use his credit card to make sure he gets the beer for his friend.

Don't know if I believe he lost some money but he isn't a liar and never has been so I'm more inclined to believe him

He says he didn't know they were going to a strip club and he couldn't call me to check it was OK as his phone was dead. I explained that he could have said no because he knew I wouldn't be comfortable with this and he said its a stag do, grow up I'm being immature and hung up.

He's just called me back now he's woken up properly and said he withdrew £100 at the strip club for cocaine and thinks he's left the money in the machine so withdrew another 80. He had one lap dance paid for by friends so only spent money at the strip club on his friends dances and drinks and then he had a bit of cash left on him which he used for drinks. He's annoyed with himself for losing the money. He said he used the joint account at the strip club so that I'd see he was there and that was his way of trying to he upfront with me coz he couldn't call and he did it thinking I'd be OK with it. He apologies and said he's going to pick up as much extra work as he can this week to attempt to make a little bit back. He also apologised for saying I need to grow up etc in previous phone he's grumpy when woken up so shouting as soon as he woke up he reacted badly.

Not sure how I feel about everything at the moment so going to have a think about it

Not sure if anyone’s said this as I haven’t RTFT

But if he left cash in the machine. It pulls it back in after 10 seconds and then updates at the bank.

So that’s bullshit.

Iwonder08 · 08/08/2021 09:49

Wow.. OP you have rather strange priorities.. You are mostly worried about money when he is taking drugs which you 'expected him to take'.

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 09:51

I just googled this and it says if that's the case in can take 5 days to show back into your account so time will tell I guess

OP posts:
MsHedgehog · 08/08/2021 09:51

OP, only you know the dynamics of your relationship. Where you stand on cocaine, the strip club, the spending, etc. And everyone here has a different viewpoint on things. For example, whilst you’re ok with the cocaine and not the strip club, it would be the other way round for me, so everyone’s no go points are different.

With that in mind, try not to be too influenced by PPs judging your relationship or your partner on things that work in your relationship. If he doesn’t lie to you, and he genuinely believed spending on the joint account was his way of telling you, maybe give him the benefit of doubt?

The bigger question, however, is that your thoughts went straight to calling off the wedding, so do you have any other doubts? Instead of being mad at him when he comes home, you seriously considered calling off the wedding? Why? Was the stag an excuse for you to use? Are you already questioning your relationship? That’s what you should maybe be focussing on.

HollowTalk · 08/08/2021 09:51

He spent your wedding money and your food and bills money on his friends having lap dances? It's unbelievable. How come the groom had to pay for all that?

labazslovesliving · 08/08/2021 09:53

spending half the budget on strip clubs etc? massive red lights LTB

nancydroo · 08/08/2021 09:54

YANBU. Postpone the wedding until you are both able to afford it. Take the hit on what you've already spent. Very depressing start to a marriage is to be laden with debt.

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