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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at these comments from DH’s family?

106 replies

nonwor · 07/08/2021 10:53

DH has a low sperm count, so we used a sperm donor and DD is now 8 months old.

Our families didn't meet her until she was 3/4 months. Since she's gotten older, they've been making comments about DD not looking like DH, and asking him if he's sure he's her father etc.

They also ask if we're having another child, we always tell them we don't know and they say that we have to as it'll be unfair on DD being the only child etc.

Aibu to be annoyed at these comments?

OP posts:

Comedycook · 07/08/2021 10:54

Do they know you used a sperm donor?

Pastrydame · 07/08/2021 10:58

Well yes, if they know about the donor those comments just make no sense. Remember your dc will still grow up to be a lot like the person who raises her even if not a generic link.
I assume they don't know, and these are very normal comments to make about a baby - each side of the family generally claiming the baby looks like one of them. They are not badly meant if they are not aware. Not sure how to handle though.
At 8 months just laugh and say "give us time to get used to this one" or similar if asked about a new baby.
Congratulations on you lo OP.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 07/08/2021 11:03

I think its natural for people to ask if you're going to have another, and often they can be a bit forceful with their opinions probably without realising or meaning to be.

The comments about looking like DH - might be something people observe but probably quite rude to air those opinions to you.

Pastrydame · 07/08/2021 11:04

Jokes about a child looking like the milkman have been around forever.

onemorerose · 07/08/2021 11:05

Do they know you used a sperm donor?

FuckingFlumps · 07/08/2021 11:10

As others have asked do they know you used a sperm donor, I'm assuming not given the comments.

It's natural for family to look for similarities when new babies come along. I would go for the honest approach, surely you will be telling her, her story as she grows anyway so it's never going to be a big secret.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/08/2021 11:10

I hope he's saying firmly 'Of course I'm her father! Stop asking that, it's really offensive'. Push back. He is her father. He's chosen to be. Legally too given that you're married (man married to woman at the time she gives birth is legally father of the child).

The 'are you having another?' comments are very common though still out of line. But just brush those off as already suggested. Or say 'we'll see' to every mention of it.

PotteringAlong · 07/08/2021 11:12

We comment on who my children look like / what random characteristics seem to have been plucked out of thin air and they are both biologically mine and DH’s!

I think that, nicely, if they don’t know you’ve used a sperm donor then you are being a tad oversensitive about what are normal conversations.

As an aside, if they don’t know you need to think about broaching that subject. It’s a secondary school genetics lesson disaster waiting to happen if you don’t…

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 11:14

Do they know you had troubles having a baby and had to use a sperm donor?

The replies to your post will be very dependant on the answer to this!

Bagelsandbrie · 07/08/2021 11:14

I’m guessing they don’t know you used a donor? If they don’t know they don’t mean any harm by their comments.

Notimeforaname · 07/08/2021 11:15

I'm assuming you haven't told them about the sperm donation..?

Notimeforaname · 07/08/2021 11:17

Its extremely fucking rude for people to ask when you're having another baby. And just fucking moronic to tell you you need to have another one as it's not fair on the first.

LIZS · 07/08/2021 11:17

If they don't know then you are setting yourselves up for a lifetime of this. Have you decided not to tell them? People will always look for likenesses and mention siblings otherwise.

clickychicky · 07/08/2021 11:17

Tell them it's insensitive to ask people about having another baby. People need to learn this.

As for not looking like dad, it's pretty rude to go around asking dad if he is sure he's the father. How often are these comments happening? Could dad say yes he is sure and could they stop asking as its insulting?

clickychicky · 07/08/2021 11:18

(man married to woman at the time she gives birth is legally father of the child). really? That's a bit old fashioned, surprised they haven't changed that.

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2021 11:18

Asking him if he's sure he's the father is downright rude.

The rest is pretty normal.

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 07/08/2021 11:34

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

The 'are you having another?' comments are very common though still out of line. But just brush those off as already suggested. Or say 'we'll see' to every mention of it.

'Man married to the woman ..... is the father.......'

Can you point to where this is stated, @Skiptheheartsandflowers ?

lastcall · 07/08/2021 11:35

If you haven't share the fact that you've had to use a sperm donor. then a deadpan 'He takes after me and my family, clearly."

bonfireheart · 07/08/2021 11:37

My DD13 looks nothing like her dad, but is 100% his. My nephew has two dark haired parents and has red hair himself. The number of people who ask if he is adopted gets very tedious very quickly.

OaxacaChihuahua · 07/08/2021 11:45

'Man married to the woman ..... is the father.......'

Can you point to where this is stated, @Skiptheheartsandflowers ?

In the U.K., there is a presumption of paternity in favour of the man who is married to the mother of a baby at any time from the child’s conception to it’s birth. That presumption is rebuttable, but requires a court order of paternity to be rebutted. If no such order is sought, the husband of the mother is presumed in law to be the father of the baby.

starsdontburn · 07/08/2021 11:48

it's very rude but how different looking are we talking? enough to justify explaining about the donor?

BashfulClam · 07/08/2021 11:50

@DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo a child born to a married woman is classed as a ‘product of the marriage’ and legally the husband is considered to be the father. This is why when registering the child you can register the fathers name if you gave a marry age certificate but if unmarried the father has to go and agree to add his name.

BashfulClam · 07/08/2021 11:55

You don’t have to tell them anything apart from to keep their opinions to themselves.

KingdomScrolls · 07/08/2021 12:03

When DS was really small he looked nothing like me, he literally had his father's face (without the beard) on s baby's body. People would joke 'good job you gave birth to him you wouldn't know he was yours if not', and things like 'Christ he's clearly not the milkman's' to DH. He's biologically both of ours so it didn't hour any nerves. Now he's older he has my fair complexion, eye colour and strawberry blonde hair colour (DH has olive skin and dark hair and eyes), and still has DHs exact face. So he's a real combination of the two of us, people now comment on that. They're not comments I would make but I think a lot of people do. So to me this hinges on whether they know you used a donor or not, if they do it's bloody rude, if they don't they think they're making jokey comments from the safety of knowing you are both his biological parents. We have an only and get comments about having another all the time, so I wouldn't think twice about that.

DinosaurDiana · 07/08/2021 12:05

If they think he’s her biological father they will ,be looking for similarities !

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