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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at these comments from DH’s family?

106 replies

nonwor · 07/08/2021 10:53

DH has a low sperm count, so we used a sperm donor and DD is now 8 months old.

Our families didn't meet her until she was 3/4 months. Since she's gotten older, they've been making comments about DD not looking like DH, and asking him if he's sure he's her father etc.

They also ask if we're having another child, we always tell them we don't know and they say that we have to as it'll be unfair on DD being the only child etc.

Aibu to be annoyed at these comments?

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 07/08/2021 12:16

If they know she was conceived using donor sperm then their comments are unkind. If they don't know then their comments are understandable.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2021 12:22

@ApolloandDaphne

If they know she was conceived using donor sperm then their comments are unkind. If they don't know then their comments are understandable.
This

Whether they know or not is the key point and it’s not addressed,

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/08/2021 12:23

They are thoroughly rude on both counts. Your DH should telling them to shut up and mind their own business

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 12:23

They should butt out, frankly.

It is a pity you told them your child was conceived with a sperm donor but that is done now.

As for it not being fair to have an only child, for some people it just works out that way for all sorts of reasons. I have an only child (42 now), and it has never been a problem. I do sometimes think, even now, it would be nice for my child to have somebody related when I pop my clogs but I can't do anything about it. Husband and I made sure he had a good life and lots of friends, still does.

Perhaps your husband can have a word with the family and tell them to back off with the personal comments.

Many children don't look like either parent by the way and for most, how they look changes over the years.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/08/2021 12:23

If they don't know about the sperm donor then they have a bloody cheek asking about your babies parentage and I would shut them right down.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 07/08/2021 12:26

If they don't know about the sperm donor I'm presuming you're not going to tell DD in the future either?
Personally I'd be worried about this secret coming back to bite me on the bum years down the line.

Terhou · 07/08/2021 12:29

Sperm donor or not, it's nonsense to make a big thing about who an 8 month old looks like. Children often get their looks from a mixture of more distant relatives. It's equally nonsense to bang on about having another child so soon after the first. However, it's probably simplest to ignore the comments about who the baby looks like and divert the conversation; and if they ask about having another, just smile brightly and say "We'll decide when the time is right" and move on.

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 12:30

It is a pity you told them your child was conceived with a sperm donor but that is done now

The OP hasn’t actually answered if the family know or not!

Terhou · 07/08/2021 12:31

You could always fall back on the cold stare response plus "Did you mean to be so rude?"

FuckingFlumps · 07/08/2021 12:31

@Noshowwithoutpunch

If they don't know about the sperm donor I'm presuming you're not going to tell DD in the future either? Personally I'd be worried about this secret coming back to bite me on the bum years down the line.
Oh I really hope not. As I said earlier surely she will know her own story and therefore others will know too.

I honestly thought in 2021 people now understood just how important it was to be honest and tell their children the truth about their parentage. A child should know their story from before they are old enough to remember otherwise, it should never come as a shock to them and there should never be a huge reveal.

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 12:36

@Howshouldibehave

It is a pity you told them your child was conceived with a sperm donor but that is done now

The OP hasn’t actually answered if the family know or not!

I thought she did but, looking back, it seems she didn't so I must have dreamed it.

What they don't know doesn't hurt them, it's entirely the business of the op, husband and, later on, child if necessary.

The family are being too intrusive in my opinion.

Winemewhynot · 07/08/2021 12:54

Well I think the most important question is do they know you used a donor and therefore that he is not the biological father and so obviously she won’t look like him?

If they know this then they’re idiots, but if they don’t know then you’re the silly one.

Also the question re: having another one, it’s just standard, I get it all the time, annoying but just smile and change the subject.

LividLaVidaLoca · 07/08/2021 12:59

You should have had HFEA mandatory counselling and know that being honest and open about the donor is the best way.

It seems your family don’t know. It would be preferable if they had known from the start. Things are only secrets if they aren’t given the light of day.

Unsure33 · 07/08/2021 13:03

Why do people post, miss out vital info then don’t answer questions?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 07/08/2021 13:10

asking him if he's sure he's her father etc.

I think that answers the “do they know” question.

And also suggests that this isn’t just the normal “oh she looks like XXX” comments.

They’re probably not intending to step on the particular nerve that they’re touching, OP, but it sounds like they’ve maybe picked up on there being something they don’t know?

Unless they’re generally just arseholes…

Ignore the comments about future children. Sadly it’s a curse most women seem to have to bear. In the end we bluntly said they’d be last to know when we did plan on having children if they kept pressuring and asking us, and they did stop.

Biker47 · 07/08/2021 13:13

I mean if they know, it's obviously a joke, but if they don't you can hardly blame them if your child looks nothing like one of their parents. I'm sure families have been broken up in the past when relatives have made comments about the looks of children, and then that's went further into finding out that the child isn't actually theirs; which obviously isn't applicable here as both parents know a donor was used, but family members won't know that unless you tell them.

WeAreTheHeroes · 07/08/2021 13:18

@Unsure33

Why do people post, miss out vital info then don’t answer questions?
There seem to be a lot of threads like this today!
1forAll74 · 07/08/2021 13:41

I guess there are some people in families, who will have a tendency , to come out with these kind of statements, and it's best to put up, an shut up, regarding such things.

DinosaurDiana · 07/08/2021 13:43

@Unsure33

Why do people post, miss out vital info then don’t answer questions?
Makes you wonder if it’s a troll.
JudgeJ · 07/08/2021 13:45

@Pastrydame

Jokes about a child looking like the milkman have been around forever.
When my first daughter was born a bit early she looked very tanned, yellowish really, and almost black hair, my work friends in a Mediterannean school laughed and said 'I smell garlic', apparently that was their way of doubting paternity!
girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 13:55

As others have asked, do they know you used a sperm donor?

Either way, I think family are allowed to ask about whether you'll have another.
If they don't know about the donor, they probably don't know about the fertility issues.
If they do know, they know it's perfectly plausible you could use a donor again.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/08/2021 14:14

I think it's a little unfair on them that you haven't told them he's not their biological grandchild.

MrsSchadenfreude · 07/08/2021 14:20

@arethereanyleftatall surely the details of the conception are only their business if the OP and her DH choose to share? It’s really none of their business.

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2021 14:25

@arethereanyleftatall

I think it's a little unfair on them that you haven't told them he's not their biological grandchild.
Why? It’s none of their business.
arethereanyleftatall · 07/08/2021 14:26

I'm not sure @MrsSchadenfreude
I'd never thought about it before this thread. But I do think they have a right to know.