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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at these comments from DH’s family?

106 replies

nonwor · 07/08/2021 10:53

DH has a low sperm count, so we used a sperm donor and DD is now 8 months old.

Our families didn't meet her until she was 3/4 months. Since she's gotten older, they've been making comments about DD not looking like DH, and asking him if he's sure he's her father etc.

They also ask if we're having another child, we always tell them we don't know and they say that we have to as it'll be unfair on DD being the only child etc.

Aibu to be annoyed at these comments?

OP posts:
ImRhondaAndthesearentreal · 07/08/2021 18:50

@nonwor

No, they don't know we used a sperm donor, I did think I made that clear in my OP
Well, you didn't.
AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2021 18:54

Are you being unreasonable? Yes and no. But I think it would be a good idea to try to harden your shell a bit otherwise you're going to end up feeling bad a lot more often that you need to.

If they don't know how can you expect them not to say something unfortunate at one point or another?

My DH and his brother are very tall, well over 6 ft. My iLs were probably 5'3' and 5'7". His family used to make jokes about 'the postman' etc. My iLs brushed them off as stupid jokes. Obvs not as sensitive as your situation is, but just an example of the type of thing someone might say thinking they are being terribly clever.

Contrariwise, I'm adopted and my mum and I would often get comments about how much I looked like her. I suppose we could have thought of those comments as insensitive, but since the commenters had no way of knowing the truth we just shrugged them off.

I'm not saying you need to tell the family anything. But you need to understand that the comments come from a place of ignorance of the facts not to intentionally hurt you.

As far as future children, again, everyone gets those comments and one has to learn to let them roll of one's back. They aren't saying to make you feel bad since they don't know your situation.

These days especially it's not clever to joke about paternity or family resemblance as families are created in many different ways.

Pastrydame · 07/08/2021 18:55

Maybe they know he had a low sperm count/problems conceiving and are suspicious about how the baby got here?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 07/08/2021 18:59

Are they saying it in a jokey way not knowing they are hitting on a sensitive subject? Or does it run in the family and they are seriously wondering you have had an affair?

At the end of the day it's none of their business so you could make a joke and say 'actually he's the milkmans!' If your DH will see the funny side. Usually people get the hint and stop making comments.

twinningatlife · 07/08/2021 19:05

Do you intend to tell the child one day?

Holly60 · 07/08/2021 19:12

@LividLaVidaLoca

You should have had HFEA mandatory counselling and know that being honest and open about the donor is the best way.

It seems your family don’t know. It would be preferable if they had known from the start. Things are only secrets if they aren’t given the light of day.

I totally agree with this. That would have avoided this issue completely, and any other unforeseen things you are now going to have to deal with as a result of not being honest with people. Also, are you going to tell your DD? If so, it’s going to be a hell of a secret for her to have to hide from her grandparents in the future. Of course, she might decide to tell them. If you are thinking you aren’t going to tell her, that is also hugely problematic.

I feel like perhaps you haven’t really thought this through ….

twinningatlife · 07/08/2021 19:15

I agree that your immediate family should have known from the start - now you've just invited speculation and gossip behind your backs which is worse to be honest

saraclara · 07/08/2021 19:28

The comments about her not looking like her dad are touching a nerve with you because of the situation but they’re not unusual or unkindly meant.

That. So being snippy about it as others have suggested, is only going to raise questions. And they won't be about sperm donors.
So do what the rest of us do and laugh off the comments with "yep, he's definitely more my side of the family " or "I know, that nose is definitely all his own rather than either of ours!"

Looubylou · 07/08/2021 19:29

It wasn't clear. As they don't know, I don't think they are meaning to be rude, these are very common comments to make. YANBU to find it upsetting, but YABU to seem angry towards them. I would hope they would be far more sensitive if they did know. Moving forward, you could tell them, or if nor, learn to let these innocent comments go over your heads. Congratulations on your DC.

PearlFriday · 07/08/2021 19:32

I think you should just say ''lucky girl looks like me!''

arethereanyleftatall · 07/08/2021 19:33

If you're not going to tell anyone, then you'd best learn to get used to this.

Heronwatcher · 07/08/2021 19:35

We are always talking about who looks like who in my family. 2 of my kids look just like me, the others not. My niece looks like the image of my gran. It’s just something we say, and I find it nice to compare. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t fully welcome a child which I wasn’t genetically related but when kids do, or don’t, look like parents it’s just something that people comment on. If this is going to bug you then you need to tell them the truth. I think it might also be better for your child otherwise, as others have said, they will find out anyway and it will look like it was a dirty secret. Your DH does realise that having a low sperm count is nothing to be ashamed of?

HauteGirlSummer · 07/08/2021 19:52

To be fair both situations can be avoided if they knew you used a sperm donor.

They wouldn't mention the baby not looking like their dad as that would be obvious and insensitive. They also wouldn't question if you were having a second child either since it'd be clear you have fertility issues.

Maybe let them know so they stop making these jokes?

LIZS · 07/08/2021 20:05

If you have made a decision not to tell anyone, as is your right, you do need a few comments to respond with. While dc is a baby it should be easy as babies tend not to instantly resemble either parent. The expectation of a sibling is slightly different and enquiries plain nosy but a "we're grateful for the one we have" "let's just enjoy having her" should close it down. There are limited circumstances where others might need to know or find out but do consider if you may plan to tell her later.

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/08/2021 20:15

I thought the question from them 'Are you sure you're the father' was clear enough to mean that they didn't know. If they knew, they wouldn't be asking.

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/08/2021 20:18

My brother didn't look like either of our parents. I don't remember it being a big thing. Some years later Mum found a bag of old photos clearing out her great aunt's house, and there was one of a great uncle as a child - the spitting image of my brother.

Tubbs99 · 07/08/2021 20:23

Are you planning on telling your DD? You do realise that this secret will come out eventually.

Kite22 · 07/08/2021 20:40

It often happens in families that siblings don't look like one another, or both look like one parent and not the other or they look like one each, or like neither.
I've got friends with 3 gorgeous little boys with really ginger hair - neither parent has ginger hair. I've got other friends where one parent has African heritage and really really dark skin, the other parent is the palest of pale. The child is white, but with a blonde afro.
Genetics are really weird.
Growing up, people used to say two of my siblings looked like my Dad, one sibling looks like my Mum and they'd turn to me and go "hmmmm" Grin. It was never an issue. It was quite funny in fact. When I hit about 16, everyone started saying I looked like my Dad's sister (no-one had seen that before). We change as we grow.

So, what I am trying to say is that there is no guarantee any child will look like their Dad, at any point in their lives, let alone when they are still a baby.

Premier12 · 07/08/2021 20:48

@nonwor

No, they don't know we used a sperm donor, I did think I made that clear in my OP
No, it's not mentioned
Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 20:56

@Tubbs99

Are you planning on telling your DD? You do realise that this secret will come out eventually.
I don't see why it should. In television dramas, people always need transplants of some kind which means it is revealed but, honestly, how many people do you know who has needed a transplant?

There's more chance of it coming out if people are told. There is no need to tell anyone.

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 20:57

'have' needed a transplant, not 'has'.

Tubbs99 · 07/08/2021 21:01

Are you suggesting that she shouldn’t tell her own DD about her own background/about her biological father? Her DD has a right to know. Genetic testing is getting more popular and even more so as her DD ages. Nothing to do with transplants.

Biancadelrioisback · 07/08/2021 21:15

This is literally something that happens to everyone when a baby is born...people try and figure out who the baby looks like.
Seems strange you haven't told them unless you're very LC

Biancadelrioisback · 07/08/2021 21:18

I think everyone has a right to know how they came to be. If it's talked about from an early age, there is probably less chance of the child having identity issues when they inevitably do find out.

Namechangeforthis88 · 07/08/2021 21:24

On the only child front, DS is an only and markedly more sociable, thoughtful and confident than a couple of cousins that have a couple of siblings. He is pretty relentlessly happy.

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