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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at these comments from DH’s family?

106 replies

nonwor · 07/08/2021 10:53

DH has a low sperm count, so we used a sperm donor and DD is now 8 months old.

Our families didn't meet her until she was 3/4 months. Since she's gotten older, they've been making comments about DD not looking like DH, and asking him if he's sure he's her father etc.

They also ask if we're having another child, we always tell them we don't know and they say that we have to as it'll be unfair on DD being the only child etc.

Aibu to be annoyed at these comments?

OP posts:
FuckingFlumps · 07/08/2021 15:13

[quote MrsSchadenfreude]@arethereanyleftatall surely the details of the conception are only their business if the OP and her DH choose to share? It’s really none of their business.[/quote]
The trouble is whilst this statement would normally be completely fair you're talking about a child who should know from birth how she was conceived as its part of her story and should never be considered some sort of dirty secret that cannot be discussed.

This openness in telling her story isn't possible if you're intention is to keep the rest of the family in the dark. So in this situation it should be the whole families business because the importantace of not hiding how she was conceived outweighs the parents right to privacy.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/08/2021 15:30

I think whilst one would absolutely hope that the grandparents don't treat their non-biological gc any differently to a biological gc, surely that's their decision to make?

arethereanyleftatall · 07/08/2021 15:31

And another thing -at the moment it seems they're possibly thinking that you've had an affair to conceive - that's 'worse' than them knowing the truth.

FictionalCharacter · 07/08/2021 15:58

@Notimeforaname

Its extremely fucking rude for people to ask when you're having another baby. And just fucking moronic to tell you you need to have another one as it's not fair on the first.
This! I know plenty of people who were only children and were perfectly happy and fine. People who ask this are thinking of what they want (e.g. more grandchildren),, not what the child needs.
WhatAShilohPitt · 07/08/2021 16:16

I can’t believe how fucking rude some people are. It is NEVER ok to comment whether a child is ‘really yours’ or not for exactly this reason. IVF, adoption or a complicated paternity issue. None of that is their business unless you choose to tell them and not is your decision to have one or two children. I think you have to be firm with these nosy people. Firm to the point of spelling it out like you have here: ‘I don’t know if you realise but you are making me really uncomfortable by keep badgering me about this. It’s our decision alone to make. Can you not ask me about this again?’

WhatAShilohPitt · 07/08/2021 16:17

God that’s full of typos! I hope it made sense! Nor, not not.

AngryWhompingWillow · 07/08/2021 16:18

Until you come back and answer the question as to whether people KNOW that you and your DH used a sperm donor, no-one can advise you @nonwor !!!

UDontDans2Tekno · 07/08/2021 17:09

@AngryWhompingWillow

Until you come back and answer the question as to whether people KNOW that you and your DH used a sperm donor, no-one can advise you *@nonwor* !!!
its a bit like "my friend said something to me, should I be offended?"

who the fuck knows

AngryWhompingWillow · 07/08/2021 17:14

@UDontDans2Tekno

Exactly!

TakeYourFinalPosition · 07/08/2021 17:18

@AngryWhompingWillow

Until you come back and answer the question as to whether people KNOW that you and your DH used a sperm donor, no-one can advise you *@nonwor* !!!
True, but she may well think that is was made clear by DD not looking like DH, and asking him if he's sure he's her father etc.

If they knew she wasn't his, they wouldn't be worrying about if he was the father.

But unless OP comes back, there's no more advice than can be given, really.

HungryHippo11 · 07/08/2021 17:24

Our second child is the spitting image of me, doesn't look like my husband or our older child at all. My family would never ask if he was sure he is the father. How exceptionally rude, to both of you. Sperm donor or not they need to be told to stop

Original poster
nonwor · 07/08/2021 17:37

No, they don't know we used a sperm donor, I did think I made that clear in my OP

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 17:39

@nonwor

No, they don't know we used a sperm donor, I did think I made that clear in my OP
Where?!
TakeYourFinalPosition · 07/08/2021 17:40

@nonwor Presuming that you are sticking with that decision, DH needs to shut down any comments about her not being his - it'll be awkward but if he tells them that he doesn't want to hear any more speculation about paternity or whether or not she looks like him, rather bluntly, they are likely to be shocked enough to stop.

The comments on other children are par for the course. You can speak up about those, too - it worked for us! - Or ignore them and act blank when they bring it up, and hopefully they'll stop.

And if it's any reassurance at all, DH is an only child and is very happy, sociable and confident. He may well have been with siblings too, but that didn't happen and he's not suffered for it. Your DD won't either.

Chickoletta · 07/08/2021 17:44

@nonwor

No, they don't know we used a sperm donor, I did think I made that clear in my OP
You didn’t.

The comments about her not looking like her dad are touching a nerve with you because of the situation but they’re not unusual or unkindly meant. The comments about whether you’ll have more are intrusive and rude.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 17:46

You're being unreasonable then, if they don't know.

If she bears no resemblance to him at all - especially if he has strong features - they're bound to question it.

Just tell them she absolutely is his every single time. They'll stop asking eventually.

Or, tell them the truth...
You'll have to tell your DD eventually I would assume.

Soubriquet · 07/08/2021 17:47

Well, of course they are going make these comments

Your dd literally will not look like her father because you used a sperm donor and didn’t tell them

You don’t have to make it sound so secret. It isn’t sordid. Just be matter of fact about it. “Well no, she wouldn’t would she? We used a sperm donor. Anyway how’s Johnny doing in school now!”

Kite22 · 07/08/2021 17:49

No, they don't know we used a sperm donor, I did think I made that clear in my OP

Where ? Clearly you didn't, as so many people have asked..

However, you just reply the same as you would if the baby didn't particularly look like him and was naturally his. Nothing is meant by it. I have known hundreds of babies that don't look much like one of their parents. You just remind people 'well, they are their own little person' or similar. In our family we'd say "Phew, that's lucky" if someone said one of ours doesn't look like dh.

People will see what they want.
I know two families where their dc are adopted - no genetic link at all to either parent, and people still often say "Oh, hasn't she got her Daddy's eyes" or "I can see his Mum in the shape of his nose" or whatever.

Just agree, or make a light hearted comment.

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 17:50

People make comments like that all the time.
DH’s gran was obsessed with telling me DC looked like her side of the family when they really didn’t.

When DH and I moved in together, people asked when we were getting married. When we married, they asked when we were having a baby. Once DC1 was born, they asked when we’d have another. When DC2 was born, they asked if we’d try again for a boy! When DC3 was born, they asked if our telly was broken Grin

People like to say stuff.

I’m intrigued to know which bit of your OP was supposed to let people know that you hadn’t told family about the speed donor-please tell!

FuckingFlumps · 07/08/2021 17:58

@nonwor

No, they don't know we used a sperm donor, I did think I made that clear in my OP
Why don't you tell them that you used a sperm donor. Unless you plan on the very inadvisable route of not telling your daughter then they will know eventually anyway. It should not be a secret.
PotteringAlong · 07/08/2021 17:59

Well if they don’t know then you’re being over sensitive about common comments.

I stand by my statement that you need it not to be a secret though. Do tongue rolling in secondary school in genetics and you’re knackered…

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 18:05

No, they don't know we used a sperm donor.

Good. Keep it that way. The remarks will die down in time but you and husband could make it known that you are getting fed up with them.

yourestandingonmyneck · 07/08/2021 18:24

Such an odd post and attitude. No, you didn't make it at all clear that you hadn't told them you used a sperm donor.

That'll be why they are saying that. They don't realise they are touching a nerve. People are always just keen to talk about family resemblances.

It is rude / annoying to keep asking you about having another one. You don't owe them any sort of reply to that though and just need to try to not let it get to you.

AngelDelightUk · 07/08/2021 18:36

They probably think they are being funny, although possibly think you had an affair. I think you just need to shut them down, say of course he’s the babies Dad and if they don’t stop then you’ll stop visiting

UDontDans2Tekno · 07/08/2021 18:46

@nonwor

No, they don't know we used a sperm donor, I did think I made that clear in my OP
DH has a low sperm count, so we used a sperm donor and DD is now 8 months old.

Our families didn't meet her until she was 3/4 months. Since she's gotten older, they've been making comments about DD not looking like DH, and asking him if he's sure he's her father etc.

They also ask if we're having another child, we always tell them we don't know and they say that we have to as it'll be unfair on DD being the only child etc.

Aibu to be annoyed at these comments

Where?