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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH - “Shut your effing mouth”

113 replies

GoAwayScaryVampire · 06/08/2021 15:14

How many and what pros do there need to be in a relationship for it to be worth putting up with anger management issue? Few weeks ago I was told to shut my effing mouth. That felt like a line was crossed. Other times things get thrown/kicked/smashed in the house. I say he has no “edit” button. He says exactly what he thinks, regardless of consequence. Therefore friendships always end sooner rather than later and we don’t have much of a social life. Also have small kids and one with SEN which puts more pressure on but was like this before as well. No physical violence towards anyone but the verbal can’t be intimidating. Would like to canvas opinion please. Thank you.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 06/08/2021 15:15

Does he do this at work?

Comtesse · 06/08/2021 15:16

Sounds really bad, like it might be escalating - you don’t need to put up with thisFlowers

DramaAlpaca · 06/08/2021 15:18

He's certainly crossed a line, on more than one occasion by the sounds of it. It's not normal and it's not OK. I couldn't live with someone who behaved like that. Imagine if he turned that anger on your children.

VorpalSword · 06/08/2021 15:18

No pros make it worth bring verbally abused and intimidated.

You say he has no “edit” button but how does he manage to hold down a job? I bet he doesn’t speak to his boss like that or kick and break things.

But that is irrelevant, he does it to you. And no it isn’t acceptable in any way. It is also doing harm to your children, who will grow up thinking that is the right way to behave, either as the giver or taker of abuse.

You know what you need to do, you will have read it enough on here. Start making plans and call Women’s Aid and/or a trusted friend to help you.

GoAwayScaryVampire · 06/08/2021 15:18

Yes he takes no prisoners and always says exactly what he thinks to everyone. No respect for bosses either. He doesn’t work since pandemic started as was too complicated with the kids.

OP posts:
JonahofArk · 06/08/2021 15:19

I bet you he does have an edit button in front of men who are bigger than him. Or people more powerful than him. Just not for those that he perceives he can overpower or who will put up with his behaviour-such as you.

Xmassprout · 06/08/2021 15:21

Is he actually doing anything to manage his anger? Getting any help? If not, I would leave without a seconds hesitation.

If he was getting help I would consider a temporary split until he got his shit together.

He is currently a very prominent role model for your children. Do you want this behaviour to be modelled? Likewise you're also a very prominent role model. Do you want your children growing up thinking it's normal to accept this kind of behaviour, that this behaviour is to be accepted?

ClemDanFango · 06/08/2021 15:23

LTB.

Returnoftheowl · 06/08/2021 15:23

@JonahofArk

I bet you he does have an edit button in front of men who are bigger than him. Or people more powerful than him. Just not for those that he perceives he can overpower or who will put up with his behaviour-such as you.
I'm afraid I agree with this. He can restraint himself in front of some people, but not you.

If the only positive is "no physical violence" then it's time to have a think about what is best for you.

WeatherwaxLives · 06/08/2021 15:25

I'm paraphrasing another poster I saw a while ago here - the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

None OP. Not a single pro can make what he's doing acceptable.

You have a choice whether to continue to live with him. Your kids don't. It must be scary for them when he starts shouting, throwing and breaking stuff? Do you all walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off?

DrManhattan · 06/08/2021 15:26

I wouldn't let anyone talk to me like that.

pelosi · 06/08/2021 15:27

The problem is the time that he is not shouting/swearing is still tainted by the times he does.

It starts to affect your confidence and happiness, often insidiously.

He won't ever change, he only crossed the line in terms of how you perceive him, not in his own mind.

WeatherwaxLives · 06/08/2021 15:27

Oh, and Other times things get thrown/kicked/smashed in the house is physical violence.

There's the air of 'this time it's an object, next time it couod be you'. Even if you don't feel that, potentially the DC do. Even if it's subconscious.

GoAwayScaryVampire · 06/08/2021 15:28

He’s big and powerful with a strong voice and I honestly think he would be scared of no one. He can also be an excellent father in many ways. He does all drop off and pick ups every day for all of the children (three different finish times). Makes breakfast, lunch and dinner for everyone all week. All clearing up as well. Does most of the domestic stuff. (Because my job is full on during week. I take over when i finish in the evenings). He just has a rage issue. It makes no difference how I react, weakly or strongly. This is just how he is and with everyone.

You would be absolutely dumbfounded at the things he has said to bosses, honestly. I can only assume he was that good at his job for them to have overlooked it.

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 06/08/2021 15:28

Unemployed verbally abusive bully with no friends. What the positives, they'd have to be pretty amazing to put be putting up with all that.

Philandbill · 06/08/2021 15:29

That sounds awful OP, I'm sorry that you are living with this. Please consider phoning Women's Aid for advice.

GoAwayScaryVampire · 06/08/2021 15:30

He isn’t doing anything to address his anger. Is his personality and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 06/08/2021 15:30

Is he interested in addressing the issue? If he is, there's lots he can do. If he's not then there is no point you trying to do anything - it won't work.

Sarahlou63 · 06/08/2021 15:31

Cross posted!

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 06/08/2021 15:33

He sounds like a right arsehole. I worked with a guy who had no “edit@ button. But he did / he never spoke to the CEO the way he spoke to junior staff. Some people modify their behaviour based on what they think they can get away with. His behaviour is a choice. He can absolutely control himself. And he obviously doesn’t think much of you if he behaves like that. You have a choice - stay and put up with his bullshit or finish with him. How much are you prepared to put up with? Violence? You are the victim of abuse, speak to a help line a d make a plan

Endeavormorse · 06/08/2021 15:33

@GoAwayScaryVampire

He’s big and powerful with a strong voice and I honestly think he would be scared of no one. He can also be an excellent father in many ways. He does all drop off and pick ups every day for all of the children (three different finish times). Makes breakfast, lunch and dinner for everyone all week. All clearing up as well. Does most of the domestic stuff. (Because my job is full on during week. I take over when i finish in the evenings). He just has a rage issue. It makes no difference how I react, weakly or strongly. This is just how he is and with everyone.

You would be absolutely dumbfounded at the things he has said to bosses, honestly. I can only assume he was that good at his job for them to have overlooked it.

And so he should! He doesn’t work! Another hero man doing what women do without a second thought.
GoAwayScaryVampire · 06/08/2021 15:35

He is currently unemployed because it is a decision that we made for our family. I got a pay rise which made it possible. With the kids and especially SEN child who was not able to attend school full time it was impossible for us both to be working. This was better for all of us.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 06/08/2021 15:36

As a previous poster said, he has got an 'edit button' but he is choosing not to use it.
Sounds like a right catch

GoAwayScaryVampire · 06/08/2021 15:36

Agree, I was just trying to indicate that he wasn’t a good-for-nothing waste of space. He works very hard.

OP posts:
pelosi · 06/08/2021 15:38

@GoAwayScaryVampire

He is currently unemployed because it is a decision that we made for our family. I got a pay rise which made it possible. With the kids and especially SEN child who was not able to attend school full time it was impossible for us both to be working. This was better for all of us.
Be careful else you'll be the one paying him maintenance.

If you're going to leave, make it soon.

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