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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH - “Shut your effing mouth”

113 replies

GoAwayScaryVampire · 06/08/2021 15:14

How many and what pros do there need to be in a relationship for it to be worth putting up with anger management issue? Few weeks ago I was told to shut my effing mouth. That felt like a line was crossed. Other times things get thrown/kicked/smashed in the house. I say he has no “edit” button. He says exactly what he thinks, regardless of consequence. Therefore friendships always end sooner rather than later and we don’t have much of a social life. Also have small kids and one with SEN which puts more pressure on but was like this before as well. No physical violence towards anyone but the verbal can’t be intimidating. Would like to canvas opinion please. Thank you.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 06/08/2021 18:09

He can also be an excellent father in many ways He is NOT an excellent father. He’s a fucking shit father. Good fathers don’t do what he’s doing. They don’t smash their children’s homes up, or frighten them and their mother, or tell their children’s mother to shut their effing mouth.

He doesn’t lose it with the children. He only chucks stuff about in front of me. That doesn’t make it better. I can guarantee you from personal experience that hearing it from upstairs, or even just knowing something could trigger him to kick off at any minute is hurting your children.

He just has a rage issue. It makes no difference how I react, weakly or strongly. This is just how he is and with everyone Rage is not a personality trait.

He’s breaking and smashing things in front of you because he wants you to understand that he could just as easily be hitting you. I would bet my next pay that you have a relatively short window of time before he stops smashing objects and starts attacking you. I think he is dangerous and will become more dangerous. I hope you find the strength to get away before things deteriorate further.

IdreamofPilates · 06/08/2021 18:11

The man is an a'hole and IS a waste of space, despite what you say. If you have any amount of self-respect and truly care for your childrens' safety and wellbeing, as well as your own - get the hell out of there. He is an obnoxious POS. School runs, cooking etc are nothing - what else is he going to do if he's not working (more like unemployable)?

EKGEMS · 06/08/2021 18:13

An anti-social loser-let's all throw a parade for this Father of the year! Hmm

Unsure33 · 06/08/2021 18:15

I know someone like this , said it was his personality etc.

Until his wife left him . Then he begged to have anger management courses etc etc. But it was too late .

His second marriage is completely different to be honest and he does not have the same issues to the extent he had before .

I did not think a leopard can change their spots but in this case he did .

HippeePrincess · 06/08/2021 18:17

I chose yaba as there are no amount of pros worth putting up with anger issues or abuse in a relationship. None.

changes50 · 06/08/2021 18:27

He sounds like a coward to me, no real man acts like that, by the way he sounds like the man who called himself my dad but the only memories I have is of a vile bully towards mum and us kids.

godmum56 · 06/08/2021 18:30

@Duchess379

You say one of your kids has SEN, but I think your husband has issues as well. No filter, no care of anyone else sounds on the autism spectrum to me..
but he does seem to have filters....
Cazck · 06/08/2021 18:42

Understand very well your situation, I can see why you would tolerate it to an extent as no one is perfect but it is very hard knowing where to draw the line. Splitting the family is such a life changer and big event for all concerned.
It sounds like if it wasn't for his anger issues he would be ok to be with? How does he speak to you outside of the angry moments? I think the last question is key. Some men/women can cause just as much damage with narcissistic behaviour which hopefully isn't the case.
Not saying that swearing at you is ok- know a person who had this happen in front of children and it has changed the relationship completely and respect that was once felt.
If it lies simply with his anger issues then a serious chat outside of the kids hearing is an absolute must and for him to come up with a plan of how he is going to acknowledge it and deal with it.

ThinWomansBrain · 06/08/2021 18:50

an excellent father
Really - teaching your children by example that it's OK to shout, swear and verbally abuse people?
Leave

PurpleMustang · 06/08/2021 19:03

If you do decide to leave, I haven't seen it mentioned but a thought, be careful as you both have placed him as the SAHP. If you decide to split do not leave on your own, else he will be claiming maintenance from you and you will be struggling to see your kids. Either you would need to leave with the kids or get him to leave on his own. And you would need to have a plan in place for out of school care around your work.

DrSbaitso · 06/08/2021 19:04

I take my daughter to school and feed her. And I subject her to a house of shouting, swearing and breaking things. I won't change, it's my personality, it's not a problem.

Tell me what an excellent mother I am.

Topseyt · 06/08/2021 19:04

Why does almost every woman in such an awful and abusive relationship try to claim that the man is an excellent father?

Leave him. He’s a shit and will get worse too.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 06/08/2021 19:13

@Topseyt

Why does almost every woman in such an awful and abusive relationship try to claim that the man is an excellent father?

Leave him. He’s a shit and will get worse too.

Low standards.
DrSbaitso · 06/08/2021 19:19

Low standards, but also this odd phenomenon in which a woman can accept that a man is treating her like dirt, but refuses to see that he's doing the same to the children. Even if it really is only subjecting them to witnessing his shittiness towards her and he isn't ever directly shitty to them too which never happens anyway

My mother was like this too, and yes I'm angry about it.

I can't explain it. We see it over and over again, to varying extremes, and I do not understand it.

I hate angry, shouty men. They're not good dads, they're not good bosses, they're not good friends, they're not good partners, they're not good housemates, they're not good lovers, they're not good men, they're not good at anything.

Pallisers · 06/08/2021 19:30

At this point "he is a great father" is a red flag to me in posts.

mummysquasher · 06/08/2021 19:42

For a long time I thought my exh only swore, screamed and smashed stuff in front of me and could control himself around our son... Then one day our then 3 year old came home from an outing with his dad and fearfully told me he'd had a toiletting accident while they were out and "my Daddy banged". I assumed he meant exh had hit something in anger. DS started screaming at me when I said "no". He'd seen it worked for his father. Within a few weeks exh escalated to screaming in both of our faces, smashing stuff and then throwing stuff directly at me. That was the point I started putting plans in place to leave. We were gone a few weeks later. It's not been easy but three years on every day in our little flat without exh dictating the atmosphere is a blessing. The Freedom Programme opened my eyes to all the other ways he'd been abusive. All the things I'd excused. Make your plans and leave.

PrincessNutella · 06/08/2021 19:47

That's the tragedy of these guys. They won't know when they've had the last temper tantrum that people they love will listen to. Those people will just be gone.

WhatAShilohPitt · 06/08/2021 20:15

It’s interesting to me that he’s pretty much always been this way. I wonder how / why he’s got to this age without needing to deal with the consequences of saying what he likes. What’s his relationship like with his parents? Did he grow up around a lot of shouting / arguing? Are his siblings similar in temperament?

Angliski · 06/08/2021 20:20

OP my dad’s like this. My mum left because she didn’t want us to think this was a normal way to speak to people. He is still like it now, a bit better with age but dsm still has to put up with some fairly spectacular outbursts. I overheard my half brother lose his shit the other day and he sounded just like him, so mum was right that it does influence. We were both just frightened all the time. It does sound like he is a more involved dh so I get that it is hard to call and there were lots of downsides for us to a broken home. No advice just empathy x

DrSbaitso · 06/08/2021 20:26

I wonder how / why he’s got to this age without needing to deal with the consequences of saying what he likes.

Being told he's wonderful and a great father no doubt helps.

My mother would sometimes have a go at my father for his appalling temper but she usually deferred to it (thus leading him to think it was righteous), never gave him any actual consequence for it and spent the rest of the time telling him how amazing he was. Lo and behold, he saw no reason to modify his behaviour and thought it was everyone else's job to make sure he never got angry.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 20:35

I wonder how / why he’s got to this age without needing to deal with the consequences of saying what he likes.

A variety of reasons. Enablers. People around him having low bars. Being given the benefit if the doubt without deserving it. But most of all, a big ego without merit and an absolute lack of giving a fuck.

He's a bully. An abuser.

Unfortunately OP is enabling him to continue to become a bully. Her children deserve at least one parent to recognise how unhealthy, toxic and unfair it is to raise children under the same roof as a man like this. To show them that this is what a relationship looks like, that's it's normal.

This is how the cycle continues for generations. Poor kids.

Bellend101 · 06/08/2021 20:39

Never in a million years could I make a decision to leave my children home alone with a man with a "rage issue". Your pay rise must have been something pretty fucking special.

Jmommy · 06/08/2021 20:41

Grew up with a father who was mentally abusive, not all the time but too often. They are still together with my mum. Honestly, I resent my mum for that aspect of my childhood even more than my dad himself. Why did she allow it? Why didn’t she just dump him? I wished for them to divorce! Today I’m in some sort of civilized terms with my father but I have feelings of hate and actually pity him to an extent as well. We mainly seem to fake to be in ok terms in my view. Is this the kind of family dynamic you want? Or rather a home with good atmosphere for your children?

GoAwayScaryVampire · 06/08/2021 20:42

Thank you for those that ask what support I need. I’ll ignore those who’ve been rude/insulting. It was a genuine question. Some posters here have got carried away on then basis of the little information shared and imagined a far worse domestic situation that what this truly is. It doesn’t happen often and I believe that the children are fine. He is a nurturing, affectionate father and he cares deeply about his children. It’s a situation that needs to be carefully managed. I cannot in reality just walk out the door. I just sighed up for a pretty large mortgage a few months ago so that the kids could finally have the space that they need. I cannot move them again without causing significant anxiety. (Consider ASD element here also. DS is still getting over this recent move). Also, why should I go anywhere. I didn’t do anything wrong. I think this is something that I will need to create a longer term plan around getting him out. To those that said he was unemployable - this is not true. We planned for him to go back to work over coming months. As soon as he has an income again he should be able to leave. Then I will just need to figure out a complicated juggling act. :-(

OP posts:
Immaculatemisconception · 06/08/2021 20:43

You and your kids need to leave, now.

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