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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH - “Shut your effing mouth”

113 replies

GoAwayScaryVampire · 06/08/2021 15:14

How many and what pros do there need to be in a relationship for it to be worth putting up with anger management issue? Few weeks ago I was told to shut my effing mouth. That felt like a line was crossed. Other times things get thrown/kicked/smashed in the house. I say he has no “edit” button. He says exactly what he thinks, regardless of consequence. Therefore friendships always end sooner rather than later and we don’t have much of a social life. Also have small kids and one with SEN which puts more pressure on but was like this before as well. No physical violence towards anyone but the verbal can’t be intimidating. Would like to canvas opinion please. Thank you.

OP posts:
DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 06/08/2021 16:16

OP, how can we help you?

What made you post this today?

What can we do to get you some perspective / some help / some support?

Things sound very hard for you and it's easy to become frozen and overwhelmed.

Sporadica · 06/08/2021 16:17

.... to be worth putting up with anger management issue? Uncontrolled and destructive anger is common, easily treated, and often quick- or targeted onset. If he were willing to get help, I'd say absolutely stick with him, but keep yourself and children/family safe in the meantime.

But you say he thinks he has no problem, it's his "personality", and he won't seek or accept help. If you're tried your best to educate him, to persuade him, to make him care that he's making your life a misery and making you live in fear and he still won't even try to change - get out.

Alcemeg · 06/08/2021 16:18

@GoAwayScaryVampire

Yes he takes no prisoners and always says exactly what he thinks to everyone. No respect for bosses either. He doesn’t work since pandemic started as was too complicated with the kids.
This is his personality, and I'm guessing you actually admire a lot of these qualities in him (?), but are beginning to tire of the fact that without an edit button he can be a bit of a loose cannon.

He says exactly what he thinks, regardless of consequence. Therefore friendships always end sooner rather than later and we don’t have much of a social life.

Maybe you're starting to feel a bit lonely and/or restricted by the consequences of his refusal to compromise?

Have you explained to him how it's affecting your life generally, how you felt when he swore at you, how intimidating it is when he shouts and throws things around? Regardless of his personality, he should be able to take on board what's making you unhappy and make an effort not to do it again. Otherwise, he's very selfish.

This might sound alarmist, but it may be that if you are weighing the pros and cons of being in a relationship with him, it might already be too late. Being happy in a relationship with someone is not like a points scoring system, you either are or you're not, and currently it sounds as though you're not.

So it's either (1) talk to him and he tones things down; or (2) talk to him and he says he will do differently, but it turns out he can't because he'd need a personality transplant; or (3) talk to him and he refuses to listen.

(1) is OK (if not too late in terms of how you feel), but (2) and (3) create an impasse that bodes ill for the future.

good luck OP Flowers

Ozanj · 06/08/2021 16:25

Anger management for this type of thing can be treated but he needs to want to do it. Once he starts hurting people / himself it’s less easier to fix

Onthebrink87 · 06/08/2021 16:26

My first ever LTB. When you find yourself moderating everything you do or say to try and manage his reactions - you're in an abusive relationship. You don't deserve to live like that and neither do your children. My dcs dad was the same and 5 years on from leaving I'm still struggling to help my eldest with crippling anxiety.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 06/08/2021 16:33

Come round to my house. I'll make you a cup of tea. How many teaspoons of shit would you like in it?

notagermannoun · 06/08/2021 16:34

Afraid this is abuse OP.

I had a partner who progressed from verbal abuse to punching furniture as you describe, then throwing things. I got hit by stuff on two occasions.

Then he started 'disciplining' the kids cos I wasn't doing it. He pulled our SN son down the stairs on his back.

I left him.

Speak to your local authority. If he's so unpleasant your friends and family don't want to be around him, this is controlling abuse. Either way, it's a horrible situation to be in and you and your kids deserve better, OP.

ChaToilLeam · 06/08/2021 16:38

I’m sorry, OP, he is abusive. Good fathers do not abuse the mothers of their children. It is affecting them, whether you see it or not.

SlatternIsMyMiddleName · 06/08/2021 16:42

You don’t need to canvass opinion. You know it’s not right. You know (or at least it’s dawning on you) that his behavior is wrong. You don’t need to ask strangers’ permission to leave. Go. Just go. Be safe.

Steakandcheeseplease · 06/08/2021 16:44

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

Unemployed verbally abusive bully with no friends. What the positives, they'd have to be pretty amazing to put be putting up with all that.
This. OP be careful your kids don't follow suit
PearlclutchersInc · 06/08/2021 16:53

don'tsmoke Well said - what can the hive do to support you Flowers

PearlclutchersInc · 06/08/2021 16:54

Ooops, OP what support do you need?

PickAChew · 06/08/2021 16:56

You wouldn't want to eat a sandwich with a little bit of shit on it, would you?

He is awful. He is violent. It doesn't matter if it's not towards you (yet).

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 17:16

You say 'in some ways he is an excellent father' then say this: He just has a rage issue. It makes no difference how I react, weakly or strongly. This is just how he is and with everyone.

He is NOT an excellent father.

Anyone could do pick ups and drop offs. That's not excellent parenting, it's travel.

Anyone could make meals. That's not excellent parenting, it's cooking.

Excellent parenting is nurturing, being a role model and behaving like a fucking grown up who can control yourself so your children don't have to be raised in a household where the mood is dictated by the loudest, moodiest, nastiest bully present. In this case, your partner.

And FYI, throwing things, breaking things etc IS physical violence.

Your children are being raised in an abusive household.

By the way, he either genuinely never does any of this shouting / raging in front of the kids in which case he can control it but chooses not to around other people including you OR he does do it in front of them.

Either way, they are being raised in an abusive household. Can you really not see that?

SirGawain · 06/08/2021 17:22

Like most bullies, and that’s what he is, I’ll bet he would turn into a snivelling coward if someone stood to him. Get some self respect OP and kick him out.

Hoppinggreen · 06/08/2021 17:26

@GoAwayScaryVampire

He is currently unemployed because it is a decision that we made for our family. I got a pay rise which made it possible. With the kids and especially SEN child who was not able to attend school full time it was impossible for us both to be working. This was better for all of us.
Well yes but that just means that all the house/kids stuff is his job He’s not being a great father doing all that stuff, if you were doing it you wouldn’t be described as a great mother
humblesims · 06/08/2021 17:27

He doesn’t lose it with the children. He only chucks stuff about in front of me
So he can control his anger then? And is choosing not to, in front of you.
You also have a choice, whether to accept his rage, or not. Personally I would not.

mummymeister · 06/08/2021 17:29

Tell you what OP just ignore it! let it go on and see it escalate. next it will be throwing stuff around in front of the kids. Then oops I didnt mean for that book/dvd/cup to hit you it was an accident honest. then oops I didnt mean for that book/dvd/cup to hit the children. then oops my fist was supposed to go through the wall but you moved and I hit you in the face. Then.....

He behaves like this because you facilitate it. He has no consequences. swears at his boss and becomes unemployable? no worries you let him give up work and stay at home and you go to work. but what happens when he crosses the line at school with your kids friends, parents or teachers?

Dont wait to end up being a statistic. he either sorts out his issues now or you need to walk. Whilst you still can.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 06/08/2021 17:36

We each draw our boundaries in different places. What you describe would be a deal breaker for me as I won't tolerate being shouted at or sworn at. Smashing things would happen once and he'd be gone, as I refuse to share my home with anybody who doesn't treat me and it with respect. I've no time for violence, bullying or intimidation.

I'd say never underestimate how savvy children can be. Whether he's done it in front of them or not is neither here nor there as they'll likely know what's going on, unless their bedrooms are soundproof caves.

godmum56 · 06/08/2021 17:37

zero pros no matter how good a dad he is.

WaterIsBest · 06/08/2021 17:37

Walk away, especially with Children involved

Duchess379 · 06/08/2021 17:38

You say one of your kids has SEN, but I think your husband has issues as well. No filter, no care of anyone else sounds on the autism spectrum to me..

SimonJT · 06/08/2021 17:45

@Duchess379

You say one of your kids has SEN, but I think your husband has issues as well. No filter, no care of anyone else sounds on the autism spectrum to me..
Ah bingo, ableist bullshit post has arrived.

Abusive twat doesn’t equal ASD, you should be ashamed of yourself.

SimonJT · 06/08/2021 17:47

Would he be happy to watch his children be shouted at, have things thrown etc by a partner when they are in a relationship when they’re older?

Even if he took this seriously and decided to seek help via anger management, until that process is well underway he really shouldn’t be in the family home.

IdreamofPilates · 06/08/2021 18:00

Vampire, scary or not - it is only a matter of time before the verbal becomes physical. I am not convinced by your 'this was better for all of us' statement - only better for him because he is out of the way of bosses/colleagues who he can try and intimidate and possibly avoid prosecution for assault or a tribunal hearing. Either way, the situation is not good for YOU or YOUR CHILDREN!!! Why would you want to be treading on eggshells, never knowing what he is going to say or do next. It doesn't have to be alcohol related either - from experience, a pleasant evening at home can turn on a sixpence in absolute seconds.