DH - “Shut your effing mouth”

[GoAwayScaryVampire]

How many and what pros do there need to be in a relationship for it to be worth putting up with anger management issue? Few weeks ago I was told to shut my effing mouth. That felt like a line was crossed. Other times things get thrown/kicked/smashed in the house. I say he has no “edit” button. He says exactly what he thinks, regardless of consequence. Therefore friendships always end sooner rather than later and we don’t have much of a social life. Also have small kids and one with SEN which puts more pressure on but was like this before as well. No physical violence towards anyone but the verbal can’t be intimidating. Would like to canvas opinion please. Thank you.

@Bellend101

Never in a million years could I make a decision to leave my children home alone with a man with a "rage issue". Your pay rise must have been something pretty fucking special.

I have already said that he doesn’t behave this way with the children. Don’t insult me as a mother.

OP,
Good that you are getting a plan together.
You need tonfocus on childcare, as you do not want him to claim he is their primary carer.

Also, start a paper trail with your GP about his anger and your worries.

You need to be proactive.

Get on to womens aid for good advice as to how you can plan best to get him out.

It doesn’t happen often and I believe that the children are fine. He is a nurturing, affectionate father and he cares deeply about his children. It’s a situation that needs to be carefully managed.

Women and children don't need to manage the 'rage', whether intermittent or frequent, of a decent man.

I have already said that he doesn’t behave this way with the children.

So he can choose when to behave this way. And he chooses to direct it towards you.

You don't seem to realise how shocking it is to posters to hear someone say 'shut your fucking mouth' and it not change everything. I understand you don't feel that way because he's behaved similarly to you, friends (you say he's lost), colleagues / bosses (you say we wouldn't even believe the stuff he's said to them) but that just goes to show how conditioned you are.

You're now doubling down and defending him because you feel attacked as a mother. I understand that must feel shit. But it's shitter for kids who grow up watching men like this operate. You have a choice, they don't.

Also, why should I go anywhere. I didn’t do anything wrong. I think this is something that I will need to create a longer term plan around getting him out.

I'm confused because in one breathe you say he's not that bad or a risk but in another you (thankfully) seem to get that it's unacceptable, unsafe and unfair on the kids. When people say 'leave' they don't mean leave the home, they mean leave him.

Some posters here have got carried away on then basis of the little information shared and imagined a far worse domestic situation that what this truly is. It doesn’t happen often and I believe that the children are fine. He is a nurturing, affectionate father and he cares deeply about his children. It’s a situation that needs to be carefully managed.

This is literally exactly what my mother would say.

The throwing, kicking and smashing things would be my personal Rubicon, OP.

It is an act of aggression, and my ex used to do it to try and frighten me into agreeing with him. And telling you to "shut your effing mouth" is just horrible. He has no respect for you, OP, and precious little for anyone else either.

I also wouldn't children growing up in an environment where that sort of behaviour was considered acceptable.

If I was in your shoes, I'd LTB.

I have already said that he doesn’t behave this way with the children.

How do you know that? He is alone with them more than you are. Do you think your children would tell you? Why would they? this is their normal. Someone else's children will tell their parents some day when they are over in your house - because they won't see it as normal.

If he doesn't behave that way with the children - ever - then it is a choice he makes with you and everyone else. interesting that.

It doesn't happen often you say. It doesn't happen EVER in most homes.

Men like this don't tend to react well to teenagers.

To those that said he was unemployable - this is not true.

And yet...

Yes he takes no prisoners and always says exactly what he thinks to everyone. No respect for bosses either.

You would be absolutely dumbfounded at the things he has said to bosses, honestly. I can only assume he was that good at his job for them to have overlooked it.

He isn’t doing anything to address his anger. Is his personality and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it.

In a job market where there are increasingly far more applicants than job roles, in almost all sectors, he's hardly a prime candidate for holding onto a job is he? Bad attitude, says things that would shock everyone and has done fuck all to address it.

Im always astounded by OPs who don't seem to understand that people can only go by what they themselves have said yet get angry when reminded of what they've said!

Excuse after excuse to stay with this piece of shit. You’ve been told numerous times by people who’ve been through this, the effect this will have on your kids. You are choosing to ignore it because it doesn’t suit you.

It’s so depressing to read thread after thread of mothers willing to put their children through abuse in their own homes because their husband is “a good dad” or “a nice guy really”. You should always choose your children, and you are not so I think people are entitled to question your parenting.

Also, I hope your husband “says what he thinks” to the wrong person and gets what he deserves. Big man frightening his wife and children.

I’ll ignore those who’ve been rude/insulting

Oh and I would say it's rude/insulting to dismiss the contributions of women who have been with men with this 'rage' issue or grown up as the child of them. Their experiences are not attacks on you, they are cautionary tales and as one of them eloquently explained - your comments are exactly what their mothers would have said. Doesn't that give you food for thought rather than seemingly angering you? It's uncomfortable to have a mirror held up to your behaviour, for anyone. But it's important. Especially when kids are involved.

I have already said that he doesn’t behave this way with the children. Don’t insult me as a mother.

Then he doesn’t have a ‘rage issue’.

When you have a genuine issue then you can’t control who you lash out on.
But he can control it so he’s just lashing out around you! Which makes him abusive as he is fully in control and choosing to do it.

Doing the basic household and childcare when you’re a stay at home parent isn’t exceptional. And not being physically violent isn’t really a ‘pro’ it’s literally just the absence of a massive con.

Honestly I don’t know what pros I’d need to tolerate this. I can’t imagine any, unless it was in a post apocalyptic world where there was no food and gangs of cannibals roamed the earth and staying with this man was the only safe place in the world.

And he is damaging your kids, even if he isn’t directly abusive to them. Your daughters are watching him to see how they should be treated in a relationship. Your sons are learning how they can behave in a relationship. He is damaging them in the future.