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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breast feeding at 4? AIBU for my comment?

999 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 06/08/2021 13:01

I was asked to baby sit for a friend of my parent's over the weekend and her son is 4 years old (and would have been a bit of extra cash which I could do with). She let me know that she still breastfeeds him every morning, once at lunch and before bed, says it is comforting for him and for her and has no plans to stop any time soon and that she will do so at my house before she leaves. He is turning 5 in a a few weeks time, when I told her my family and I thought it was a bit strange to still be breastfeeding at 5 when he is starting school but that I wouldn't object to her doing so before leaving, she then decided to cancel the babysitting and told me I was no longer needed.

She has now decided she no longer wants to keep in touch with our family due to our 'judgemental and disgusting ways' and says I have deeply offended her. Coincidentally I have come across this article online where Ice T is defending his wife Coco who still breast feeds there daughter at 5. So AIBU and should I extend the olive branch and apologise? I wasn't intending to offend just gave my honest opinion and now I feel a bit guilty.

Article: www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-9865267/Ice-T-defends-wife-Coco-Austins-decision-continue-breastfeeding-five-year-old-daughter.html

OP posts:
NoCauseRebel · 06/08/2021 13:57

I probably wouldn’t have said anything, but tbh I would probably have already distanced myself from someone who breastfeeds a child of that age.

This has nothing to do with the child’s need for breast milk or even comfort, it is all about the mother’s need, and it feels almost sexual to be bf a child of that age. Not to mention the fact that he will be teased and ridiculed.

For people who say that it’s the western world who are out of touch, no it isn’t. Parents in 3rd world countries bf later because often children are malnourished in those countries, so BF does still have health benefits for them. But in the UK it is about the parent and nothing more. In fact it is IMO detrimental to a child to breastfeed them when they’re about to start school.

We would say the same about a child in nappies with the exception of SN, this is no different.

hehehhehe · 06/08/2021 13:57

What a mess.

I wouldn't expect to be in contact with her again but in your position I would send her a card apologising for hurting her feelings. She's probably afraid that you've said what everyone is thinking.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 06/08/2021 13:57

Breastfeeding at that age is pretty much like giving your kid a hug, it's a comfort for the mum and the kid, nothing weird about it at all Confused

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 06/08/2021 13:57

I personally judge people who don't breastfeed their children for the full term, i.e. at least 2.5 years and well beyond, as I think it is every child's right. I don't voice that opinion though as it would be rude to do so. We all never know what the other person's experience is as we haven't lived it ourselves, which is why commenting is inappropriate.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/08/2021 13:58

@eightyfourandahalf

You can imagine how much teasing a child that age will get if the others find out.. even a 4 year old know that BF is for babies...

It's beyond weird, you are better off without her, but naive to expect someone like that woman to take a comment kindly!

Someone like that?? Someone like what exactly? What kind of woman do you think she is that op is better off without her?

My friend was still comfort feeding her daughter at 4. No idea if she still is (at 6) as I've not seen them in ages (covid). Her DD is a bright, funny and confident little girl. Her Mom is a wonderful caring woman who works with vulnerable adults. I can't imagine anyone would be better off for NOT knowing them

SweatyPie · 06/08/2021 13:58

@bloodywhitecat

Is feeding the breastmilk of another species to your 5 year old strange too? When I think about it I find it more strange that we happily drink cows/sheep/goats milk but not human milk.
It's not like we drink cows milk straight from the udders though, is it? We all eat the produce of another species- since all food is biological matter

I mean, I wouldn't say anything but at that age, wouldn't you just express it and give it in a cup? Her choice but yeah... not the same as drinking cows' milk

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 06/08/2021 13:58

@Fivebyfive2

But you didn't just say it was your opinion, you told her you and your family think so, meaning she knows you were all discussing it negatively. It was none of your business and a really rude, unnecessary thing to say to her.
I only said this after she had a go at me and got quite snippy with her anger for my comment, so I said I am not the only one in my family who agrees with this. It was a back and forth not a comment I just made out of no where, I didn't intend for it to become an argument, and I immediately backtracked once I realised she was offended, but damage was done
OP posts:
MrsKeats · 06/08/2021 13:59

I think it's a bit weird but no way I would say anything.
I breastfed till 2.

pinkcircustop · 06/08/2021 13:59

She spoke to me again and I told her why I thought it was strange and that my family agreed.

Oh so that’s where you get it from. Your family are nasty and rude too and have brought you up to be the same.

No wonder she doesn’t want anything to do with the lot of you. I’m surprised anyone does.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 06/08/2021 13:59

it feels almost sexual to be bf a child of that age.

What a disgusting thing to say.

Letsgetquizzy · 06/08/2021 13:59

I think you've had an overwhelming response, OP, and that you shouldn't have said anything to her but you have my sympathy. From your description, she caught you on the hop and you spoke without thinking.

What this thread does convince me, however, is that it is safer nowadays not to voice any opinion whatsoever on any topic whatsoever lest we offend anyone. Whatever happened to disagreeing with the opinions of others but being secure in your own choices.

Speaking as someone who breastfed 4 DC (and was quite relieved that none of them wanted to go beyond 2 years old).

hehehhehe · 06/08/2021 14:00

nocause

What an obnoxious post. You don't know every child in the UK and their individual preferences or dietary habits, or if they'll be starting mainstream school. How dare you suggest it has nothing to do with the child or put yourself in a position to declare it 'almost sexual'. You have no idea what you're talking about. Thank goodness you're not creating policy.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/08/2021 14:01

it feels almost sexual to be bf a child of that age it honestly says more about you that you'd look at that situation and assume Mom is getting off on it sexually than it does the Mom.

Well you'd def judge me Labia, i expressed for 6 months and 4 months respectively for DS and DTwins. What an awful shit Mom i am

PomegranateQueen · 06/08/2021 14:01

What's strange is people criticising mothers for doing what is biologically normal, while drinking breastmilk from another mammal. Really boggles my mind.

I'm not surprised you lost your friend OP, your comments would have really hurt her feelings.

dus29 · 06/08/2021 14:01

It's highly unusual, and I say that as someone who fed their toddler to sleep for naps, I'm not sure why anyone is pretending otherwise? Aren't the breastfeeding rates after six months about 1%? If you have had a thread called "AIBU to be breastfeeding my nearly 5 year old", you would get a massive amount of flack!

That aside, it's best to be tactful and keep your opinion to yourself. I wonder if she is very defensive about it? I was in a breastfeeding support group and they were quite defensive, probably because breastfeeding rates are low in the UK, especially after six months, and they felt like they were fighting against "the norm". Ironically, when you are struggling with breastfeeding and having to supplement with formula, there is a huge amount of pressure to breastfeed. It is such a loaded subject (along with sleep training, that always puts the cat amongst the pigeons), I wish it wasn't as it isn't helping any of us, regardless of our feeding choices.

1forAll74 · 06/08/2021 14:02

It wasn't the best to comment on this, as inevitably there are going to be some women who breast feed for a long time, who will get iffy, about others comments re this. I think that quite a few people will have the same view as you, but live and learn I suppose.

PegasusReturns · 06/08/2021 14:02

It was rude and stupid to say something. No one likes criticism and so her response was entirely predictable.

That said BF an almost 5 year old is a bridge too far for me. I know many people are fine with it but I do find it strange.

It’s a strange thing because it’s clear than BF an infant is no ones business: it’s the right thing to do. And BF a teen would be wholly inappropriate and so would be peoples business. I don’t know where the cut off is for when it stops being none of your business. Because there must be one.

TheQueef · 06/08/2021 14:03

There are some surprising replies on this thread, apart from the unbelievable unreasonableness of the OP.

Knittingupastorm · 06/08/2021 14:03

it feels almost sexual to be bf a child of that age.

That says more about you tbh.

ancientgeordiegirl · 06/08/2021 14:03

YABU. My Sister breastfed both her children till 4. Her daughter still talks fondly of it as she found it sweet and said it tasted of melon (to her at least). The World Health Organisation also recommends feeding babies until 2 so perhaps your friend did that and found it convenient and decided to keep going. Imagine all the money she has saved on Formula / follow on milk, bottles, teats etc. over the years ! Whilst it was not for me (I breastfed 3 until about 12 - 13 months) it's a very personal opinion and since breastfeeding is known to help prevent allergies and some other issues perhaps she has read up on it and has decided that the benefits make it very worthwhile. One of the Ecclestone girls breastfed her daughter till 5 and was very open about it. I think it's not appropriate to comment on it as you make people uncomfortable and as women we should be encouraging and applauding personal choice.

hehehhehe · 06/08/2021 14:03

I personally judge people who don't breastfeed their children for the full term, i.e. at least 2.5 years and well beyond, as I think it is every child's right.

Do you do a quick questionnaire to check it was the parent's choice not to bf to this age before commencing judgement, or just judge everyone regardless of what difficulties they may have had or indeed resistance from the child? Genuine question.

Datingandnoideahowto · 06/08/2021 14:04

Yeah you should’ve kept your mouth shut.

MondayYogurt · 06/08/2021 14:04

Just say sorry.
She can't be that good a friend of your parents if she's dumping the whole family over your one comment though.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/08/2021 14:04

From your description, she caught you on the hop and you spoke without thinking...safer nowadays not to voice any opinion whatsoever on any topic whatsoever lest we offend anyone.

Caught on the hop, apologised for being ignorant of the issue / we all do what we think best etc, fine. Caught on the hop, dragging family into it causing everyone to double down on the judgement of how shes damaging her kid, not so much.

Not sure about nowadays - its never been polite to express rude opinions about others people's choices that don't affect you when its bloody obvious it's going to hurt the other person

PomegranateQueen · 06/08/2021 14:04

SweatyPie

It's pretty wierd when you think about it. Just because you aren't personally milking the cow, someone is putting the pump on those teats and artificially inseminating the cows.

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