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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Breast feeding at 4? AIBU for my comment?

999 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 06/08/2021 13:01

I was asked to baby sit for a friend of my parent's over the weekend and her son is 4 years old (and would have been a bit of extra cash which I could do with). She let me know that she still breastfeeds him every morning, once at lunch and before bed, says it is comforting for him and for her and has no plans to stop any time soon and that she will do so at my house before she leaves. He is turning 5 in a a few weeks time, when I told her my family and I thought it was a bit strange to still be breastfeeding at 5 when he is starting school but that I wouldn't object to her doing so before leaving, she then decided to cancel the babysitting and told me I was no longer needed.

She has now decided she no longer wants to keep in touch with our family due to our 'judgemental and disgusting ways' and says I have deeply offended her. Coincidentally I have come across this article online where Ice T is defending his wife Coco who still breast feeds there daughter at 5. So AIBU and should I extend the olive branch and apologise? I wasn't intending to offend just gave my honest opinion and now I feel a bit guilty.

Article: www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-9865267/Ice-T-defends-wife-Coco-Austins-decision-continue-breastfeeding-five-year-old-daughter.html

OP posts:

101spacehoppers · 06/08/2021 16:24

@Theluggage15 women in poorer countries know perfectly well (or at least did until the big milk companies pulled the same crap there they did in the UK in the 1950s) that breastfeeding for longer has 'additional benefits' which include not dying from dirty water. They also include delayed fertility (which i though was a pretty good benefit too) and yes, because of 'the connection'. Why do you think poor women don't want that relationship with their babies? There are whole post birth mother centred rituals in lots of countries based on establishing that 'connection', facilitated by other women, not least because the 'connection' could save both their lives. It's not an invention of recent times.

I also think there's a wilful misunderstanding on what feeding an older toddler is like. I left both mine for regularly for a week at a time from about 9 months to travel for work. It's not every 90 minutes. Perfectly possible around all sorts of jobs.

shouldistop · 06/08/2021 16:24

Why did you feel the need to share your opinion? You know you don't have to share everything that pops into your head. What makes you think what you have to say about her breastfeeding is important enough to say out loud?
I'd probably find it slightly jarring seeing a 5yo breastfeeding but I'd keep my mouth shut.

GoldenOmber · 06/08/2021 16:25

Maybe next time you’re trying to ‘apologise’ to people, leave out the bit where you tell them you do find their parenting decisions weird and so do your whole family?

Original poster

crazymicrowave123 · 06/08/2021 16:26

@Crowtooyo why do people jump on the troll bandwagon as soon as someone has a different view to everyone else? I am a grown adult with my own child for god sake. Just because I think it's weird doesn't mean I am a troll or making this story up because I'm bored. I am genuinely thinking now, many who breastfeed past a certain again think everyone MUST agree and she is a perfect example of this. It started off me feeling bad for what I said and now I really don't after the back and forth she and I have had.

OP posts:

Zhampagne · 06/08/2021 16:31

[quote crazymicrowave123]@666TheNumberOfTheBeast I texted her to say I stand by what I said and my family do agree and that they told her this. I said I think It's strange but I do apologise if I offended her. I did say much earlier on she is very dramatic and has argued with us before. They have things up previously with other disagreements, and by her asking me to baby sit again after all of this shows me she isn't that offended after all or that she is desperate and now needs to act like she was still offended by getting me to backtrack.[/quote]
You may as well have poured petrol and tossed a lit match on the whole situation, OP. She may be dramatic but those comments would send most people nuclear. You could have apologised quite sincerely for (not IF - you did offend her, she told you so) upsetting her without compromising your apparently unshakeable beliefs on the matter of extended breastfeeding.

101spacehoppers · 06/08/2021 16:32

(Which doesn't mean you have to by the way. I do think it's important to recognise that 'choices' around Bf are massively mediated by culture, and that includes the lack of investment in BF support before and after birth. One of the saddest stats about the UK's low rates is how many women wanted to, for longer, but weren't adequately supported to do so)

Pigeonpocket · 06/08/2021 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Winemewhynot · 06/08/2021 16:34

OP, YANBU, especially with how you’ve explained with how the convo went.

I suspect she’s being over sensitive as she knows it’s not the norm, if she’s still feeding 3 times a day, is she going to go to school at lunchtime? Poor kid she needs to let him grow up!

bg21 · 06/08/2021 16:35

@Winemewhynot

OP, YANBU, especially with how you’ve explained with how the convo went.

I suspect she’s being over sensitive as she knows it’s not the norm, if she’s still feeding 3 times a day, is she going to go to school at lunchtime? Poor kid she needs to let him grow up!

I literally got lynched for my comment very similar to yours lol

CorianderBee · 06/08/2021 16:36

Yeah it wasn't your business to make that comment. You owe her an apology.

Zhampagne · 06/08/2021 16:36

'literally'

Greenmarmalade · 06/08/2021 16:38

I am genuinely thinking now, many who breastfeed past a certain again think everyone MUST agree and she is a perfect example of this.

Agree with what? Why do you need to agree with how someone feeds/nurtures/comforts their child?

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 06/08/2021 16:40

The thing is op, and others, the baby or toddler or child is only ever one day older.. It just continues, if the mother is happy to stay child-led. For me I put some limits in and it became a morning only thing shortly after 2, having been on demand up to a few months before that. It continued as a little hello cuddle each morning, finally petering out so that days and weeks would pass with none and then he'd go again so that I couldn't tell you when it ended, after 4 for final 'feed' though. All I can tell you is, it was the opposite of weird, it was the loveliest thing and I we are so close and have the fondest memories of that precious time. I could rant or LOL at the 'doing it for the mother' comments but anyone who has actually done it will be rolling your eyes with a laugh at that one! I feel sorry for your friend, as she was probably feeling funny about it to say it anyway.

shouldistop · 06/08/2021 16:40

I am genuinely thinking now, many who breastfeed past a certain again think everyone MUST agree

Why is it any of your business? You don't have to agree, you just have to keep your mouth shut.

Greenmarmalade · 06/08/2021 16:42

My daughter is about to start school. She won’t have a clue if any of her classmates are breastfed, or many other things about them. Neither will she care. It won’t be a problem.

milkieway · 06/08/2021 16:43

@Pigeonpocket

I am genuinely thinking now, many who breastfeed past a certain again think everyone MUST agree

Do you think everyone MUST agree that breastfeeding until 1 is fine, like you did? Why is your opinion on which age is acceptable the correct one? My mother thinks breastfeeding past 6 months is wrong because that's what she was told in the 80s - is she allowed to tell you that you're weird and make you feel ashamed for feeding until 12 months?

I don't think everyone must agree that natural term breastfeeding is for them. I do think they should accept that it's fine for other people to do it, and I don't think it's OK to call people weird or strange for doing it.

Lots of people still think homosexuality is weird. Understandably, gay people aren't OK if people tell them it's weird. That doesn't mean they want everyone to be gay, though, does it. It just means they want to be able to do something that's completely natural and not get shit for it.

This!! Well said

DamnUserName21 · 06/08/2021 16:44

@5zeds

Not sure I'd take offence if someone commented to me on the breastfeeding of my four year old because it is strange (unusual) in the UK, especially if I was doing it in front of my friend. lots of things are unusual though, is it ok to comment on them and say how you and your family “feel” about it?

If I'm breastfeeding my four year old in front of a friend, it might invite a comment, ok or not.

eightyfourandahalf · 06/08/2021 16:47

I am genuinely thinking now, many who breastfeed past a certain again think everyone MUST agree and she is a perfect example of this.

It's more than they know it's weird and are very defensive and touchy about it.

If you tell a mother that's it's weird to BF a 2 months old, they will just ignore you or shake their head. What else are you supposed to feed a 2 months old baby! (haters, not starting a thread about BF vs bottle feeding please...)

A 4 year old? harder to play the "natural" card. So of course they know, and get all huffy and superior.

Whywonttheyhelpme · 06/08/2021 16:47

Hahaha. You were always going to be flamed for this @crazymicrowave123. For what it is worth, I breastfed my DC till they were a year old then stopped because I felt it unnecessary. I still think it is unnecessary but I wouldn’t say that outright to someone who thinks the opposite.

Opinions are like bum holes, everyone has one but it is best not to share it in public

shouldistop · 06/08/2021 16:48

My daughter is about to start school. She won’t have a clue if any of her classmates are breastfed, or many other things about them. Neither will she care. It won’t be a problem.

Yeah, my eldest is about to start school and he wouldn't care of know if any classmates were still breastfeeding. Small children are very accepting, it's adults who are judgemental twats.

HungryHippo11 · 06/08/2021 16:49

It's clearly all about the mother wanting the child to stay a baby.
You haven't seen my 3 year olds massive tantrums when I tell her she can't breastfeed. Seriously, I would love to stop but she loves it and it helps her to sleep.

666TheNumberOfTheBeast · 06/08/2021 16:50

@Whywonttheyhelpme

Hahaha. You were always going to be flamed for this *@crazymicrowave123*. For what it is worth, I breastfed my DC till they were a year old then stopped because I felt it unnecessary. I still think it is unnecessary but I wouldn’t say that outright to someone who thinks the opposite.

Opinions are like bum holes, everyone has one but it is best not to share it in public

The thing is, all children are different. They all develop at different rates. We don’t complain if a child walks at 8 months and another not till 14 months. I don’t think there is a universal cut off point, it should be what works for mum and child. And in this case, she feels 4+ is still working for them both. And that’s okay! It’s not OPs child, it’s her own.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 06/08/2021 16:53

Unnecessary, many things are, breastfeeding in the first place is! The nutritional and immunity benefits past one year are widely known. My just turned 6yo has never been to the doctor, has never been sick. I can't prove it as I have no control case for the same child but I personally put that down to BF.

dft6432 · 06/08/2021 16:53

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here. The conversation drifted into that area and what you said wasn't the end of the world. I BF my kids but would expect some friends to have a different view and perhaps find it strange if I was still doing it at 4. That's ok, we all parent differently.

You made a mild comment and a more proportionate response from her might have been to explain why it works well for her and her child. For me, she overreacted by escalating it.

speakout · 06/08/2021 16:56

You haven't seen my 3 year olds massive tantrums when I tell her she can't breastfeed. Seriously, I would love to stop but she loves it and it helps her to sleep.

Yes. I relate to that.
Classmates of a 4 year old would have no idea if a child is breastfed.

Most chidren of that age are usually just "touching base" in the evening. Nothing like the habits of a young baby.
Most children of 4 or 5 don't tend to discuss cosy family activities- whether its having a bath with Mummy, keepping a night light on, wearing nighttime nappies ( which many do at that age), having daddy in bed to read a story, keeping a little snuggly toy nearby to slepp.
I have breastfed a 4 and 5 year old- never came up in conversation with classmates.

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