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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breast feeding at 4? AIBU for my comment?

999 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 06/08/2021 13:01

I was asked to baby sit for a friend of my parent's over the weekend and her son is 4 years old (and would have been a bit of extra cash which I could do with). She let me know that she still breastfeeds him every morning, once at lunch and before bed, says it is comforting for him and for her and has no plans to stop any time soon and that she will do so at my house before she leaves. He is turning 5 in a a few weeks time, when I told her my family and I thought it was a bit strange to still be breastfeeding at 5 when he is starting school but that I wouldn't object to her doing so before leaving, she then decided to cancel the babysitting and told me I was no longer needed.

She has now decided she no longer wants to keep in touch with our family due to our 'judgemental and disgusting ways' and says I have deeply offended her. Coincidentally I have come across this article online where Ice T is defending his wife Coco who still breast feeds there daughter at 5. So AIBU and should I extend the olive branch and apologise? I wasn't intending to offend just gave my honest opinion and now I feel a bit guilty.

Article: www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-9865267/Ice-T-defends-wife-Coco-Austins-decision-continue-breastfeeding-five-year-old-daughter.html

OP posts:
IWantT0BreakFree · 06/08/2021 15:16

I am happy to learn about what it does and I do know all of the amazing benefits

Then do some learning, OP. You quite obviously don't know all of the benefits otherwise you wouldn't hold the opinion that breastfeeding beyond a certain age is "pointless" and that four is way too old.

Nomoreideasleft · 06/08/2021 15:16

I agree with you, OP, that it's weird, but it's definitely best not to voice these things.

3AndStopping · 06/08/2021 15:18

@burritofan

Honestly, after 2.5 years I’m ready to stop, DD isn’t, but people like the OP and the cat’s bum mouth “ooh, it’s not right” lot on this thread make me want to breastfeed DD til she’s pensionable

same 👍🏼

Thenose · 06/08/2021 15:19

It would be fair to say that breastfeeding a four-year-old is 'unusual' or 'uncommon' because only a minority of mothers do so. However, you said it was 'strange' and expanded with comments suggesting that you thought that she was badly parenting her child, which was fucking insulting. I'm not surprised she dropped you.

PinkPomeranian · 06/08/2021 15:19

YWBU for giving her your unsolicited judgement.

YWBVU for adding that your family has been judging her behind her back.

YABU for being so upset that someone else is breastfeeding their child of any age. It happens to be biologically normal for a 4.5 year old to be nursing, even if it isn't common in our part of the world anymore. There are a range of benefits to both the mother and the child in doing so. As your former friend was explaining her routine to assist with your babysitting, and not expounding on the virtues of her decision to breastfeed for any length of time, you really shouldn't have said anything at all.

Anyone who is upset at the thought of someone breastfeeding in their home, or who suggests that there are sexual overtones, is seriously messed up.

The irony of you doing this and posting this on World Breastfeeding Week.

speakout · 06/08/2021 15:19

It is both depressing to read of the bigoted attitude of some on this thread, but also heartening to read of those with more enightened attitudes.
I breastfed my kids to 5 and 4 years respectively.
I have done my fair share of arguing over the years, and I was often a lone voice in the wilderness.
Very interestig debate!

wincarwoo · 06/08/2021 15:20

@Nomoreideasleft

I agree with you, OP, that it's weird, but it's definitely best not to voice these things.
How is it weird? Unusual. Yes. Weird no.

No wonder we have so many issues when people are so intolerant to others doing things that have no effect on them whatsoever.

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 06/08/2021 15:21

@PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat

When I say its strange I mean its unusual, and not something I think is needed.

We’ve established that you’re in no way qualified to make the second statement there, but are you truly claiming not to understand the difference in connotation between ‘strange’ and ‘unusual’?

Didn't know I needed a qualification to have an opinion. Either way I think its strange because it's unusual and not the norm for a 5 year old to still be breastfeeding. Is that a better explanation of what I meant, for you? (Operative word being think, not saying it is fact...) @PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat
OP posts:
Taliskerskye · 06/08/2021 15:21

I’m pretty sure poor starving people would rather not have to breastfeed and actually go to college or school or have a job and have all the luxuries of the western world.

Then they could afford to chose to do something that’s so natural without being forced into it!! It amazes me the utter self absorbedness of western women still.

Any culture that doesn’t have to feed after a certain age mainly doesn’t continue - but yes I’m sure all those poor starving folk are doing it for the woke bonus

NormanStangerson · 06/08/2021 15:21

@eightyfourandahalf

Women do really hate other women don’t they? Fuck sake Hmm Women don't have to agree with other women just because they both happen to have a vagina. It's not "hating other women" to have an opinion, and not to blindly agree with everything.
I agree, I have been quietly sitting on the opinion that I find breastfeeding a five year old pretty odd. But I didn’t express that. Labia’s proud pronouncement that she judges women who don’t/can’t breastfeed (as is apparently a child’s right) is what I objected to. It is not her countering the nasty argument that is ensuing in this thread, it is simply fuelling it and illustrating that women don’t just not support each other, they publicly denigrate each other.
Skysblue · 06/08/2021 15:21

Definitely apologise. How would you feel if someone told you that they’d been discussing you with their family, who you had considered friends, and that they’d all agreed that you’re strange? That was incredibly rude of you.

bg21 · 06/08/2021 15:22

breastfeeding at that age is for the mums benefit not the child , what is she going to do pop into school every lunchtime to feed him ?

CecilyP · 06/08/2021 15:22

Because 5 year olds still have MILK teeth for drinking MILK.

Nope, they have small teeth because their mouths are too small to accommodate adult teeth. Possessors of a full set of milk teeth are perfectly capable of chewing normal food. In the English we call these small teeth milk teeth. (not sure if it’s the same in every language!

8/9/12 year olds have started to lose their MILK teeth and are beginning puberty.

The first ones tend to drop out at age 5, the last ones maybe 11.

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 06/08/2021 15:22

@PinkPomeranian

YWBU for giving her your unsolicited judgement.

YWBVU for adding that your family has been judging her behind her back.

YABU for being so upset that someone else is breastfeeding their child of any age. It happens to be biologically normal for a 4.5 year old to be nursing, even if it isn't common in our part of the world anymore. There are a range of benefits to both the mother and the child in doing so. As your former friend was explaining her routine to assist with your babysitting, and not expounding on the virtues of her decision to breastfeed for any length of time, you really shouldn't have said anything at all.

Anyone who is upset at the thought of someone breastfeeding in their home, or who suggests that there are sexual overtones, is seriously messed up.

The irony of you doing this and posting this on World Breastfeeding Week.

Had no idea it was world breastfeeding week, didn't even know there was a week for that! I am not that upset I was just wondering whether I was supposed to be grovelling for forgiveness to family friend but have now realised there is no point because apologising for offending her is one thing, having a non changing opinion is another.
OP posts:
AngryWhompingWillow · 06/08/2021 15:23

@crazymicrowave123

YANBU for thinking it odd to still be breastfeeding a child when they're 5 years old.

YABU to comment negatively on it.

Neverrains · 06/08/2021 15:23

@bg21

breastfeeding at that age is for the mums benefit not the child , what is she going to do pop into school every lunchtime to feed him ?
What benefit do you think it is giving to the mum?
Bluntness100 · 06/08/2021 15:23

Well clearly some people don’t even know the definition of strange. Which is embarrassing for them. It means surprising or unusual. As such the ops use of language was completely correct.

ArnoldJudasRimmer · 06/08/2021 15:23

@bg21

breastfeeding at that age is for the mums benefit not the child , what is she going to do pop into school every lunchtime to feed him ?
Is it? So at what age does it stop being for the child's benefit?
milkieway · 06/08/2021 15:24

So I guess anyone who's a bit different to you or "unusual" you'd feel entitled to judge and pass comment on?

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 06/08/2021 15:26

‘Not the norm’ is a broadly factual statement.

‘Unusual’ is perhaps a touch more loaded but generally pretty neutral, expressing no significant positive or negative opinion.

‘Strange’ is a synonym for ‘weird’ or ‘odd’ and implies a strongly negative judgement.

I hope that’s clear.

AleynEivlys · 06/08/2021 15:26

To all those saying that mothers force their older children to continue breastfeeding to keep them babies for longer, are 'needy', etc. ...

I mean, maybe that's the case for some? But my personal experience was nothing like that at all. Three years ago, I had a 4 year old and a 1 year old. The 4 year old was still wanting to breastfeed before bed, while I was more than ready to stop, as frankly it was a bit of a pain in the arse for me, also having then 1 year old who wanted to breastfeed a lot more often than her older sister.

I subscribed to the belief that a child would naturally wean on their own, though it didn't really seem to be happening. In the end, I developed an aversion to my older daughter breastfeeding - full on feelings of horrible, skin crawling, irrational anger (at her) while she was doing it. In the end, I just started holding it back/putting it off until she stopped asking.

Same thing happened as my 1 year old got older, so I followed the same method and she eventually stopped soon after she turned 3. My natural limit, before I start to find it grates on me seems to be about 3 years, by which point my children were mature and reasonable enough to give it up quite easily, though I am sure they would happily have continued.

I don't think that makes me needy and am glad they had it for as long as I cope reasonably cope with.

3AndStopping · 06/08/2021 15:26

@bg21

breastfeeding at that age is for the mums benefit not the child

How do you know? What are you suggesting mum is getting out of it? I’m still breastfeeding my 2yo and I can assure you it is absolutely all for her. I’ve had more than enough but she has not. Should I let her know it’s all for my benefit so she can drop the act?

wincarwoo · 06/08/2021 15:26

@bg21 another complete ignoramus

pommepommefrites · 06/08/2021 15:26

The most judgemental attitude I had towards extended breastfeeding was my dad who was always nagging me to stop and telling me his friends opinions on me still breastfeeding my two year old (why are you discussing my tits with your mates?) I've stopped now but this shit really used to fuck me off, made me want to stop speaking to him rather stop feeding.

AfternoonToffee · 06/08/2021 15:28

I have a just turned 4 year old and I cant imagine breastfeeding him at this stage in his life.

The thing is one does not just wake up one morning and decide to bf a 4 year old, they are simply a day older than they were yesterday, so if you had fed a child till they were 3 years and 364 days it wouldn't seem strange to feed them when they were 4.