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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irrationally sad about my dd's nose piercing?

185 replies

AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 10:39

DD is 16. She wants her nose pierced, and she is getting it done tomorrow. I have agreed to this, but I'm really, stupidly sad about it. I need some help unpicking what this is really about and why it's bothering me so much, and frankly, I think I probably need to be told to get over myself.

I really hate the way nose piercings look, always have done. My lovely best friend had one done when we were teenagers, and I hated it then. Still hate it now, even though I know some fabulous people who have them. I know it's just a tiny hole and a bit of jewelry, and ultimately, it's dd's nose and I totally respect her right to choose, but I feel inexplicably upset about it nonetheless.

She is a really good kid. Incredibly hardworking, sensible, respectful, considerate etc. I genuinely have nothing to complain about as she defies most of the stereotypes about teenagers. She is old enough now to get the piercing done without my consent but I know she wouldn't ever have done that - she'd prefer to have my blessing. She knows I don't like them but equally, she knows that I am not so controlling as to stop her from doing it without a valid reason. And I haven't got a reason, other than the fact that I really don't like it. Not sure if it's relevant, but in dd's mind, the piercing isn't just about the aesthetics, but it's also about connecting with half of her cultural heritage in which nose piercing is the norm. I know that this aspect is really important to her and I totally support her in wanting to connect with that. I just can't get past my visceral dislike of how they look.

So she has my consent (even though she doesn't actually need it), she has researched options carefully and will get it done in a reputable place but I am still struggling to process how I feel about it. I know it's totally my problem and I'm being fucking ridiculous. I don't want to show any negativity to dd once it has been done, so please help me to get past this!

OP posts:
ChainJane · 06/08/2021 10:44

I've never understood why there isn't an age limit for piercings in the same way there is for tattoos. OK they're not necessarily so permanent because small holes can heal over if someone decides not to wear jewellery any more but it's still a body modification. In my view a small tattoo on the arm is less of a big deal than having your ears disked.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 06/08/2021 10:44

It's ok to feel sad about her decision (privately) but from everything else you've said she sounds amazing! Lucky you! Just focus on all those positives. You'll likely get used ro the piercing and not even notice it before long.

Hemingwaycat · 06/08/2021 10:46

Sounds rather melodramatic. It’s just a nose ring, if she doesn’t like it she can take it out and the hole will close up. She won’t be permanently disfigured. I had about 12 facial piercings at her age, none have left scars. The only scar I have from a piercing is on my wrist but it’s just two tiny white dots.

Newmum29 · 06/08/2021 10:46

If it helps I got mine done at 25 (my dad hated piercings and tattoos and to me it wasn’t worth the hassle/didn’t want it enough). I didn’t like it and took it out after a month. My mum and sister on the other hand were stuck with their tattoos. Could be a lot worse!

Chibbles · 06/08/2021 10:47

You're allowed to feel sad op.

But it might be worth considering why you dislike it so much. Is it just the appearance? Or do you associate it with a certain kind of person?

I have a lot of tattoos and piercings, and there are some piercings I don't like the look of!

Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 10:48

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal

It's ok to feel sad about her decision (privately) but from everything else you've said she sounds amazing! Lucky you! Just focus on all those positives. You'll likely get used ro the piercing and not even notice it before long.
Thank you, and yes you're right - she is amazing, we've had a stupidly easy ride through the teenage years thus far and I know that I should be really grateful if this is the only thing that I've got to worry about.

Hopefully you're right and I'll get used to it. I don't really understand why I have such a strong reaction against it tbh. I had no issue with her getting her ears pierced.

I just need to get over myself, don't I?!

OP posts:
pelosi · 06/08/2021 10:49

The hole will close really quickly if she loses interest (which she inevitably). Be glad it's not a tattoo.

Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 10:51

@Chibbles

You're allowed to feel sad op.

But it might be worth considering why you dislike it so much. Is it just the appearance? Or do you associate it with a certain kind of person?

I have a lot of tattoos and piercings, and there are some piercings I don't like the look of!

I honestly don't know why I dislike it so much. 🤷 I don't like the look of it, but there must be something deeper to produce such a strong reaction.

I don't think it's that I associate it with a certain type of person, but maybe there is something there. Some of my closest friends over the years have had nose piercings though, so you'd think that would be enough to break any negative associations.Confused

OP posts:
OaxacaChihuahua · 06/08/2021 10:56

She sounds great and I think you’ve been lovely - not all parents have the sense and decency to put their feelings on things like this aside when it comes to their children.

I expect that time is your friend - you will get used to it, I promise Flowers

oblada · 06/08/2021 10:57

If it helps my parents were pretty against nose piercings too, didn't like the way it looked, my mum in particular found it quite icky if that makes sense. I got one done when I was 24, they got used to it, didn't find it as awful on me... They also didn't like tattoos and i have a few now.

happinessischocolate · 06/08/2021 11:00

I have no piercings and no tattoos, my 19 year old dd has several piercings in each ear, nose piercing and belly button piercing. She now also has 4 tattoos, 2 of which week done earlier this week. She also has blond and red hair. 😁

I don't actually "see" any of it anymore, I just see my lovely dd, I even had to stop and think what colour her hair currently is. Her body, her life, I'm just pleased employers and people in general are a lot less judgemental about it all than when I was growing up. She's happy, works hard and is amazing at her job, that's all that matters.

Lellochip · 06/08/2021 11:00

My mum cried when I told her I'd had it done at 19. Wailed that I'd look like a chav. Once she saw it she quite liked it Grin

Stompythedinosaur · 06/08/2021 11:00

You are doing the right thing in putting your feelings to one side - I think it can be hard as parents to remember we don't own our children's bodies.

I imagine there may be many time ahead where your dd will choose aspects of appearance you don't personally like.

Mrsjayy · 06/08/2021 11:00

If you don't like them you don't like them not much will change your mind but she thinks it's nice it's part cultural as you said you are going to have to just get used to it. I get you don't like the look of them but being sad is a bit of an overreaction isn't it ?

Dixiechickonhols · 06/08/2021 11:01

I’m not keen and have told my 15 year old that. There was a really pretty girl in my sixth form who had hers done and everyone thought she shouldn’t have it didn’t look nice on her.
TBH the half her heritage thing is probably root of your strong reaction if you are no longer with her Dad eg were you treated badly by his family members and they had same piercings.

Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 11:02

Thanks @OaxacaChihuahua. I do try to be as reasonable and rational as I can, but it's bloody difficult to put my personal feelings aside sometimes though! Hopefully you're right and I'll get used to it in time.

@oblada, yes that does help. It's good to know that your parents got used to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 11:04

I don't actually "see" any of it anymore, I just see my lovely dd, I even had to stop and think what colour her hair currently is. Her body, her life, I'm just pleased employers and people in general are a lot less judgemental about it all than when I was growing up. She's happy, works hard and is amazing at her job, that's all that matters.

Thank you @happinessischocolate, wise words.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 11:05

I think it can be hard as parents to remember we don't own our children's bodies.

Yes indeed, @Stompythedinosaur. Very true.

OP posts:
Luckystar1 · 06/08/2021 11:05

My children are only young, but I actually have thought about this before. I think I too would feel sad (even though I actually like piercings!) as I would see it as marking their beautiful and perfect bodies that I love so much!

I know it’s silly and makes absolutely no difference but I think that’s why I would feel sad!

gannett · 06/08/2021 11:05

OP your self-awareness about how you feel will probably do most of the work here. You're at least digging into why you don't like nose piercings rather than reacting based on aesthetic dislike.

It's OK to have aesthetic dislikes, as long as it's not tied to prejudices about types of people. I don't like skinny jeans on men or unnaturally dyed blonde hair. Doesn't stop me being friends with people who do. We just have different fashion senses.

Maybe if you do some research about the history and meaning of nose piercings in that half of your daughter's heritage, that would help? It might not be your thing but it could shed some light on why it's other people's thing.

Pebbledashery · 06/08/2021 11:06

I think.. Given the state of affairs with how some teenagers are at time.. I'd take a nose piercing over crime, teenage pregnancy, violence, delinquent behaviour. She sounds like a good kid, you've done a great job with her and you should be proud.

Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 11:06

@Mrsjayy, yes, I'm sure that being sad is an overreaction, which is partly why I posted, I guess. I can't really explain why I feel like this. I know it isn't rational, but I can't shake it.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 06/08/2021 11:07

My eldest dd is nearly 30 with piercings and tattoos it really is just part of her now as a pp said you don't see it, although she had a part of her ear pierced that makes me feel a bit queasy I'm not sure why !

Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 11:08

@Dixiechickonhols

I’m not keen and have told my 15 year old that. There was a really pretty girl in my sixth form who had hers done and everyone thought she shouldn’t have it didn’t look nice on her. TBH the half her heritage thing is probably root of your strong reaction if you are no longer with her Dad eg were you treated badly by his family members and they had same piercings.
No, not this at all. I'm still happily married to her dad, his family are absolutely lovely and I have friends with the same piercings too. If anything, the cultural aspect makes it slightly easier for me to accept it... but I still don't like how it looks.
OP posts:
justaweeone · 06/08/2021 11:09

Op
I understand how you feel, although my Dd didn't get her nose pierced she did have loads of ear piercings that I wasn't keen on.
I know they look fab on some people!
I didn't say a thing as it was her choice however at the age of 23 they are gone, mainly due to the job she has after leaving uni.
The 2 main piercings are still there but even out of work rarely wears earrings, in fact had to borrow a pair of diamond studs from me recently for an event.

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