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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irrationally sad about my dd's nose piercing?

185 replies

AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 10:39

DD is 16. She wants her nose pierced, and she is getting it done tomorrow. I have agreed to this, but I'm really, stupidly sad about it. I need some help unpicking what this is really about and why it's bothering me so much, and frankly, I think I probably need to be told to get over myself.

I really hate the way nose piercings look, always have done. My lovely best friend had one done when we were teenagers, and I hated it then. Still hate it now, even though I know some fabulous people who have them. I know it's just a tiny hole and a bit of jewelry, and ultimately, it's dd's nose and I totally respect her right to choose, but I feel inexplicably upset about it nonetheless.

She is a really good kid. Incredibly hardworking, sensible, respectful, considerate etc. I genuinely have nothing to complain about as she defies most of the stereotypes about teenagers. She is old enough now to get the piercing done without my consent but I know she wouldn't ever have done that - she'd prefer to have my blessing. She knows I don't like them but equally, she knows that I am not so controlling as to stop her from doing it without a valid reason. And I haven't got a reason, other than the fact that I really don't like it. Not sure if it's relevant, but in dd's mind, the piercing isn't just about the aesthetics, but it's also about connecting with half of her cultural heritage in which nose piercing is the norm. I know that this aspect is really important to her and I totally support her in wanting to connect with that. I just can't get past my visceral dislike of how they look.

So she has my consent (even though she doesn't actually need it), she has researched options carefully and will get it done in a reputable place but I am still struggling to process how I feel about it. I know it's totally my problem and I'm being fucking ridiculous. I don't want to show any negativity to dd once it has been done, so please help me to get past this!

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 11:09

@gannett

OP your self-awareness about how you feel will probably do most of the work here. You're at least digging into why you don't like nose piercings rather than reacting based on aesthetic dislike.

It's OK to have aesthetic dislikes, as long as it's not tied to prejudices about types of people. I don't like skinny jeans on men or unnaturally dyed blonde hair. Doesn't stop me being friends with people who do. We just have different fashion senses.

Maybe if you do some research about the history and meaning of nose piercings in that half of your daughter's heritage, that would help? It might not be your thing but it could shed some light on why it's other people's thing.

Yes, good idea to do some research. I will try that, thank you. Hopefully it will help.
OP posts:
Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 11:10

@Pebbledashery

I think.. Given the state of affairs with how some teenagers are at time.. I'd take a nose piercing over crime, teenage pregnancy, violence, delinquent behaviour. She sounds like a good kid, you've done a great job with her and you should be proud.
You're right, I should be grateful that this is the only thing I have to worry about with dd. We have been very lucky.
OP posts:
alrightfella · 06/08/2021 11:12

It's fine to be sad, just vent on here rather than to her.

Many people have piercings as teens that are removed by adulthood, me included. Just try and be pleased it's not a tattoo!

gobackanddoitproperly · 06/08/2021 11:13

My daughter is similar to yours I think, in that she would want my blessing. I don’t like nose piercings so I’d not give it.

I don’t think you need to unpick anything though. You don’t like nose piercings. It’s just an opinion, you’re allowed to have one.

Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 11:14

Hopefully people are right and I will just adapt and stop seeing the piercing once I'm used to it. I certainly won't be telling her if I think it looks horrible. At the end of the day, it's her body, so I need to accept and respect her choices...part of allowing them to grow up, I guess.

OP posts:
Pigeonpocket · 06/08/2021 11:16

Lots of tattoo hate on here Hmm

I think you have to remember that it's her body and she will likely do lots of things to it that you don't like. My sister used to pluck her eyebrows to nothing when she was a teenager and my mum wasn't a fan and told her she'd ruin her eyebrows, which she did, but it had nothing to do with my mum. A nose piercing probably feels more visceral than eyebrow plucking but it's basically the same thing - your child is changing how they look and it's not to your taste, when you've spent most of their life being more in control of their appearance. At some point you just have to let go.

Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 11:21

At some point you just have to let go.

Yes, I know you're right @Pigeonpocket. And I'm trying, which is why I've said to her to go and get it done. I am just struggling to process my own feelings about it, I suppose. Maybe it's partly about having to accept that she's nearly an adult now and will make choices that are different from what I would choose. Mostly, we are quite similar and see eye to eye on stuff, so I haven't had to deal with this that much. Perhaps I'm just sad that my little girl is growing up.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 06/08/2021 11:23

c.part of allowing them to grow up, I guess.
yes this

BizzyIzzyfruitpie · 06/08/2021 11:23

I think they can look lovely, I have one 😂. I had it done over 30 years ago. I have a tiny diamond stud, it’s hardly noticeable. I don’t like nose rings!

The only thing I will say is that for me it’s permanent. The hole is very obvious without the stud in. if I leave it out it never closes on the outside. That’s something to think about.

Pigeonpocket · 06/08/2021 11:28

@AlexaShutUp

At some point you just have to let go.

Yes, I know you're right @Pigeonpocket. And I'm trying, which is why I've said to her to go and get it done. I am just struggling to process my own feelings about it, I suppose. Maybe it's partly about having to accept that she's nearly an adult now and will make choices that are different from what I would choose. Mostly, we are quite similar and see eye to eye on stuff, so I haven't had to deal with this that much. Perhaps I'm just sad that my little girl is growing up.

It sounds like that's why you feel so sad about it, that she's growing up and pulling away from you, rather than it being the nose piercing itself. It must be difficult when you've always agreed with her in the past and not had a defiant teenager to deal with or anything. If this is the first time she's done something you're not happy about then no wonder it's hit you hard, even if it's something as nothing-y as a piercing. It's sad to realise children are separate and independent from you even though it's inevitable and a good thing. I'm sure you'll get past it, you sound like a great mum.
Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 11:35

Thanks @Pigeonpocket, I think you're right that it's probably about accepting that she is a separate and independent person. In theory, I have always known and accepted that, but in practice, I haven't really been challenged by it in any meaningful way, because dd is always so sensible and because we generally agree on stuff anyway.

On the one hand, I'm glad that she has handled this issue in such a mature way. She hasn't just gone off and got the piercing done, like some of her friends have done. She knows that I don't like it but she is assertive enough to be able to say that she respects how I feel but she wants to get it done anyway. I want her to assert that autonomy over her own body and one bit of me is glad that she feels able to do it. I do just need to let go, don't I?Grin

Maybe I'll surprise myself and actually like it when I see it. Will try to keep an open mind!

OP posts:
LST · 06/08/2021 11:36

I've had my facial piercings since I was around 14. I'm 31 now and still like them

eightyfourandahalf · 06/08/2021 11:38

Mine are not even allowed to have their ear pierced until they are independent anyway Grin

Yours is allowed, of course YANBU to have feelings about it or even give her your opinion. If you can't even talk to your own daughter, it's not a good relationship is it.

LST · 06/08/2021 11:40

@Pigeonpocket

Lots of tattoo hate on here Hmm

I think you have to remember that it's her body and she will likely do lots of things to it that you don't like. My sister used to pluck her eyebrows to nothing when she was a teenager and my mum wasn't a fan and told her she'd ruin her eyebrows, which she did, but it had nothing to do with my mum. A nose piercing probably feels more visceral than eyebrow plucking but it's basically the same thing - your child is changing how they look and it's not to your taste, when you've spent most of their life being more in control of their appearance. At some point you just have to let go.

There is always lots of hate towards piercings, tattoos or anyone that doesn't mould into the MN aesthetic
steppemum · 06/08/2021 11:42

I have always siad to my kids - you can wear whatever clothes and hair styels you like, but be very careful before doing anything permanent, and I have encouraged them to wait to 18 at least.

dd is now 16 and wants to get a bar at the top of her ear. I think it will look awful, but it is her choice, and my line is the same as it has always been - when it is permanent, you can't change your mind, so think carefully.
Interestingly she hasn't done it yet. I thought she would over the summer, but she hasn't.

As parents we really need to let go of our own opinions on style etc. In fact if our kids only dressed/wore/did things that we liked, that would make them mini me, which would be awful. I try and get interested in their style and work with them.
I think a nose peircing is pretty discreet. Imagine if it was one of those discs in the ear to make your earhole huge - horrible ugly things, and very permanent!

Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 11:44

@eightyfourandahalf

Mine are not even allowed to have their ear pierced until they are independent anyway Grin

Yours is allowed, of course YANBU to have feelings about it or even give her your opinion. If you can't even talk to your own daughter, it's not a good relationship is it.

What makes you think I can't talk to her?

She knows how I feel about it as we have talked about it quite a lot. However, she also knows that I have no wish to control what she does to her own body without any valid reason. Our relationship is based on open communication and mutual respect. On this occasion, her very strong desire to get the piercing done overrides my objections to it, because it's her body and her right to choose. Not because I haven't told her how I feel.

Now that the decision has been made and she's getting it done, though, I see no point in me continuing to bang on about not liking it. The time for that has passed. I guess that is why I came on here to work through my feelings instead.

OP posts:
eightyfourandahalf · 06/08/2021 11:47

What makes you think I can't talk to her?

This wasn't a personal attack, it was a reply to people who think they should never say anything to their children.

All I said was that it's not unreasonable to be "sad" about something. You asked!

Now you are weirdly defensive and justify yourself, it's weird.

PheasantsNest · 06/08/2021 11:51

My DD has recently got hers done. I hate it but as she's old enough I can't do anything about it. It spoils her face.

IdblowJonSnow · 06/08/2021 11:53

I've had it done twice. Turned out to be a pain in the ass. Both times I just let it heal up, no visible marks.

Is she going to have a really tiny stud? They look quite pretty I think.

Yanbu to feel the way you do. You're doing the right thing keeping it to yourself. You'll probably get used to it very quickly once it's done.

Sounds like you have a lovely relationship! Smile

LST · 06/08/2021 11:55

@steppemum

I have always siad to my kids - you can wear whatever clothes and hair styels you like, but be very careful before doing anything permanent, and I have encouraged them to wait to 18 at least.

dd is now 16 and wants to get a bar at the top of her ear. I think it will look awful, but it is her choice, and my line is the same as it has always been - when it is permanent, you can't change your mind, so think carefully.
Interestingly she hasn't done it yet. I thought she would over the summer, but she hasn't.

As parents we really need to let go of our own opinions on style etc. In fact if our kids only dressed/wore/did things that we liked, that would make them mini me, which would be awful. I try and get interested in their style and work with them.
I think a nose peircing is pretty discreet. Imagine if it was one of those discs in the ear to make your earhole huge - horrible ugly things, and very permanent!

I'd be wary about the bar. It's one piercing I have never had as everyone I have ever known to have it had a right nightmare trying to get it to heal correctly
Fernando072020 · 06/08/2021 11:55

You sound like a great mum, op.
You're allowed to feel sad about it, sometimes there's no explanation for how we feel but the fact you putting those feelings aside for your daughter is amazing and selfless

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 06/08/2021 11:57

Op as in your original post you describe a lovely natures level headed mature 16 year old.

I have one of them too and we took her for a nose piercing at 14 as she really wanted to try it and as other posters have said it closes over really quickly if they choose to take the piercing out.

Your going to have to grow a thicker skin if a nose piercing at 16 is bothering you.

Once they start doing other things and exploring other things as they grow up it gets trickier

ExConstance · 06/08/2021 11:57

I'm wondering if, because she has been such a wonderful daughter and you are very close that it is not the piercing itself you are unhappy about but because it is a manifestation that there is a significant issue you disagree on?
I tend to find with my sons that we get on very well, share values and tastes in any things and then wham! you get an oddball point of view about something expressed that you are not expecting that makes you feel a bit discombobulated.

Original poster
AlexaShutUp · 06/08/2021 11:57

@steppemum, yes, I have always taken the same approach with my dd. For the most part, I really like her style, although it's quite different to anything I wear. She looks great.

As you say, I guess a nose piercing will be reasonably discreet. Hopefully I will just get used to it!

OP posts:
Minfilia · 06/08/2021 11:58

I get it. My DD16 just had her septum pierced and I bloody hate it!

I’ve never told her that though.

I just console myself with the fact that she can hide it quite easily by pushing it up inside her nostrils as it’s a half ring, and it looks like she has no piercing… but honestly, I think she looks like some kind of farmyard animal and it’s ruined her pretty face Blush

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