To be irrationally sad about my dd's nose piercing?

[AlexaShutUp]

DD is 16. She wants her nose pierced, and she is getting it done tomorrow. I have agreed to this, but I'm really, stupidly sad about it. I need some help unpicking what this is really about and why it's bothering me so much, and frankly, I think I probably need to be told to get over myself.

I really hate the way nose piercings look, always have done. My lovely best friend had one done when we were teenagers, and I hated it then. Still hate it now, even though I know some fabulous people who have them. I know it's just a tiny hole and a bit of jewelry, and ultimately, it's dd's nose and I totally respect her right to choose, but I feel inexplicably upset about it nonetheless.

She is a really good kid. Incredibly hardworking, sensible, respectful, considerate etc. I genuinely have nothing to complain about as she defies most of the stereotypes about teenagers. She is old enough now to get the piercing done without my consent but I know she wouldn't ever have done that - she'd prefer to have my blessing. She knows I don't like them but equally, she knows that I am not so controlling as to stop her from doing it without a valid reason. And I haven't got a reason, other than the fact that I really don't like it. Not sure if it's relevant, but in dd's mind, the piercing isn't just about the aesthetics, but it's also about connecting with half of her cultural heritage in which nose piercing is the norm. I know that this aspect is really important to her and I totally support her in wanting to connect with that. I just can't get past my visceral dislike of how they look.

So she has my consent (even though she doesn't actually need it), she has researched options carefully and will get it done in a reputable place but I am still struggling to process how I feel about it. I know it's totally my problem and I'm being fucking ridiculous. I don't want to show any negativity to dd once it has been done, so please help me to get past this!

@eightyfourandahalf

What makes you think I can't talk to her?

This wasn't a personal attack, it was a reply to people who think they should never say anything to their children.

All I said was that it's not unreasonable to be "sad" about something. You asked!

Now you are weirdly defensive and justify yourself, it's weird.

OP really wasn’t being defensive. Your whole post used the word ‘you’ - grammatically, you are speaking directly to OP. If it was a general observation, use a generic word, such as ‘people’ next time.

@SmallChairs

Well, as the parent of a melodramatic 9 year old who appears to be heading rapidly for his teens, do spill the beans on your model daughter!

No beans to spill, I'm afraid. We're pretty average parents, I reckon. She has just been easy since she was tiny, so I think it's more luck than design.

Thank you @Hadjab!

You have a really healthy attitude to this OP.

You're acknowledging your own feelings but you're not letting them getting in the way of your daughter's autonomy. Many people are not able to put a lid on their own feelings like that, and it gets in the way of good parenting.

Although it's hard for you, you are handling this in the exact right way. You sound like an excellent parent.

She has different tastes to you. Much like you'd have had different tastes to your parents when you were 16.

There you go. Unpicked it for ya

FWIW OP I think nose piercings (and 99% of tattoos) look bloody awful too but I'm a bit of an old fogie and I remember my mum not understanding why I dressed the way I did in the 90's. C'est la vie.

It could be worse. I was pregnant at 16. Perspective is everything

@onelittlefrog

You have a really healthy attitude to this OP.

You're acknowledging your own feelings but you're not letting them getting in the way of your daughter's autonomy. Many people are not able to put a lid on their own feelings like that, and it gets in the way of good parenting.

Although it's hard for you, you are handling this in the exact right way. You sound like an excellent parent.

This with bells on

I'm 49 and I want one.

That's probably not very helpful OP

@AlexaShutUp love your username by the way

Feck, @AlexaShutUp, I genuinely thought I might get a parenting secret on this thread!

Back to wondering what my 9 year old’s first body modification will be. Other than blue hair, which he’s already done, bring at the kind of hippy school where hair experiments are frequent.

@NashvilleQueen
Go
For it.

Why not eh ?

@Bonniegirlie

No, you're not irrational at all. Nose piercings are absolutely revolting to look at. They really, really gross me out. Literally make me heave. I could not live with someone in my house every day where I had to look at that. God no. I would be telling her she needed to find somewhere else to live.

You'd tell your own daughter to move out because you don't like the look of her anymore?

Blimey.

This on the other hand, OP, is an example of what not to do!

I got mind pierced when I was about 17/28 (27 now) I kept it in for about 2/3 years and I STILL have the hole in my nose which is visible, it has not closed up. For that reason I strongly regret it.

17/18 I meant.

I had mine done when I was her age. Only last a couple of months. She may change her mind.

Indeed @onelittlefrog

Kicking your actual child out over jewellery. How sad to expect your children to have all the same tastes as you or they're banished from their home.

The OP is an example to us all.

This probably is more of a coincidence @Bonniegirlie but my brother got his eyebrow pierced aged 15 and my mum lost it and kicked him out. He wandered the streets the whole evening as he wasn't allowed back in and got hit by a car. He was ok, but ironically needed surgery on his face because the collision caused a cut above his eyebrow which got dirt in it 1 the surgeon had to remove his eyebrow piercing in order to perform the surgery. So mum got her way in the end.

I went through a (wonderful) emo phase and got my belly button, nipple and tongue pierced.

All are now out and have left horrible holes, the nipple un particular was a pain when I came to breastfeed when I had my DC later in life and my tongue piercing trapped a nerve and I got so many infections I took that out eventually too.

But I don't regret it because learning lessons and exploring your identity is part of life.

I know what you mean - my DD (15) has stared saying she likes those nose rings that go through the 'middle' bit (like a bull).
I am keeping quiet as the moment I say anything negative she will go and get it done.
Maybe I should use reverse psychology!!
She is v v squeamish and has no pain threshold whatsoever so I am hoping that this will change her mind!!

s but you're not letting them getting in the way of your daughter's autonomy. Many people are not able to put a lid on their own feelings like that, and it gets in the way of good parenting.

loving the smug posts, but what you call "good parenting" is called "lazy parenting" by others. Each to their own...

@MumofSpud my sister's DD wanted a bull piercing (agree they're ugly piercings) and sister said "you'll look like a bull or a pig". Niece of course got it done. When her DD2 wanted the same years later sister said "Oh YES it will look amazing, I love your sisters' piercing" and niece2 changed her mind the next day 😂😂

piecing holes don't always heal, my daughter and I both leave our earrings out for months, I've not worn mine sine I started to wear a mask, holes still useable

You have a really healthy attitude to this OP.

You're acknowledging your own feelings but you're not letting them getting in the way of your daughter's autonomy. Many people are not able to put a lid on their own feelings like that, and it gets in the way of good parenting.

Although it's hard for you, you are handling this in the exact right way. You sound like an excellent parent.

^This. My dd is about to turn 16. She dresses pretty alternatively and very androgynously. Although I don't disapprove of that, I do have feelings about it (and might feel the same as you if she decided to go for certain piercings). She's currently talking about having a buzz cut.

It's hard to quantify what my feelings are... I think she's great for being herself and having the confidence to resist pressure to conform. I'm also kind of relieved she's not going down the route of fakery, enhancement and the very sexualised look. But part of me wants to protect her from the (wrong) assumptions other people might make when they look at her. And part of me hankers for how simple things were when she was little! Like you, I am supportive of her and am positive about how she looks.

Thank you all for being so kind...wasn't expecting that in AIBU at all. Quite the contrary, in fact - I was fully prepared to be told off for being a bit ridiculous, as I know I probably am!

@SmallChairs, sorry I don't have any wisdom to share, I wish I did. DD is an only child due to secondary infertility. DH and I always joke that it's better that we never had another one because dd makes us look amazing as parents but with a second, we'd almost certainly have been found out.

@NashvilleQueen, I reckon you should go for it if you really want it done!

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop, that's an awful story about your brother. Your mum must have felt awful.

@Lanadelbae9, don't know what size. She said a small one, but I will ask.