To be irrationally sad about my dd's nose piercing?

[AlexaShutUp]

DD is 16. She wants her nose pierced, and she is getting it done tomorrow. I have agreed to this, but I'm really, stupidly sad about it. I need some help unpicking what this is really about and why it's bothering me so much, and frankly, I think I probably need to be told to get over myself.

I really hate the way nose piercings look, always have done. My lovely best friend had one done when we were teenagers, and I hated it then. Still hate it now, even though I know some fabulous people who have them. I know it's just a tiny hole and a bit of jewelry, and ultimately, it's dd's nose and I totally respect her right to choose, but I feel inexplicably upset about it nonetheless.

She is a really good kid. Incredibly hardworking, sensible, respectful, considerate etc. I genuinely have nothing to complain about as she defies most of the stereotypes about teenagers. She is old enough now to get the piercing done without my consent but I know she wouldn't ever have done that - she'd prefer to have my blessing. She knows I don't like them but equally, she knows that I am not so controlling as to stop her from doing it without a valid reason. And I haven't got a reason, other than the fact that I really don't like it. Not sure if it's relevant, but in dd's mind, the piercing isn't just about the aesthetics, but it's also about connecting with half of her cultural heritage in which nose piercing is the norm. I know that this aspect is really important to her and I totally support her in wanting to connect with that. I just can't get past my visceral dislike of how they look.

So she has my consent (even though she doesn't actually need it), she has researched options carefully and will get it done in a reputable place but I am still struggling to process how I feel about it. I know it's totally my problem and I'm being fucking ridiculous. I don't want to show any negativity to dd once it has been done, so please help me to get past this!

And yes, I totally get that we're lucky with dd. She has made parenting very easy for us, and I don't take that for granted.

I’ve got tattoos and piercings myself and I’m well over 30. I’m just saying the majority of people who had their nose pierced at 16 probably don’t keep it into “proper” adulthood. I think I took my nose piercing out in my mid-20’s. The hole is still there though so I can always reclaim it!

@LST

Thanks AlexaShutUp - I certainly didn't want to be mean but where you are now really is a cause for celebration.

I’d be sad too. I don’t like nose piercings, they remind me of bulls with nose rings and I think they look awful on many people. I don’t see the point of them other than peer pressure or wanting to look like friends/celebs.

If you have flawless skin and a tiny stud it looks very different to a ring or big chunks of metal protruding from your nostrils. If you have spots or blemishes (like many young people) then a nose stud draws the eye to those.

And it’s not like a temporary tattoo she can reverse, if she changes her mind she’ll be left with a scar. My friend had a nose piercing in college, when she took it out she said snot leaked through the hole until it closed! And it left a noticeable scar. All my friends had piercings age 16-18, from eyebrow to navel, and now we’re in our 30s nobody has kept any piercing other than ear lobes.

Does your daughter realise many professions frown upon facial piercings? That there’s an infection risk? That she’d have to take the piercing out for most professional interviews? Even in less professional settings nose piercings are often considered a safety hazard in case they get caught and torn, so it’s either tape over them or take them out.

I don’t think you’re irrational for being upset. A piercing isn’t like a piece of clothing or shoes that she might wear for a year then move on from.

@impossible

Thanks AlexaShutUp - I certainly didn't want to be mean but where you are now really is a cause for celebration.

Thanks @impossible, that's a good way of looking at it.

I'm actually quite taken with the idea of buying her a nose stud. It would signal my acceptance of her decision even though she knows it wouldn't have been my choice.

I've learned from this thread that I would need to find out the size before buying anything. Is there anything else that I might need to know? Where would be a good place to buy nose studs? Do they stock them in normal jewelers?

@StrangeToSee

I’d be sad too. I don’t like nose piercings, they remind me of bulls with nose rings and I think they look awful on many people. I don’t see the point of them other than peer pressure or wanting to look like friends/celebs.

If you have flawless skin and a tiny stud it looks very different to a ring or big chunks of metal protruding from your nostrils. If you have spots or blemishes (like many young people) then a nose stud draws the eye to those.

And it’s not like a temporary tattoo she can reverse, if she changes her mind she’ll be left with a scar. My friend had a nose piercing in college, when she took it out she said snot leaked through the hole until it closed! And it left a noticeable scar. All my friends had piercings age 16-18, from eyebrow to navel, and now we’re in our 30s nobody has kept any piercing other than ear lobes.

Does your daughter realise many professions frown upon facial piercings? That there’s an infection risk? That she’d have to take the piercing out for most professional interviews? Even in less professional settings nose piercings are often considered a safety hazard in case they get caught and torn, so it’s either tape over them or take them out.

I don’t think you’re irrational for being upset. A piercing isn’t like a piece of clothing or shoes that she might wear for a year then move on from.

How big was the hole and how much snot did she produce?! I have quite a thick ring in for a nose and I have never leaked snot!

As others have said if she wants to take it out it'll heal over fast and won't leave a noticeable scar. I've had mine done three times, think I was about 13 the first time and you wouldn't know at all.
One tip from personal experience is if she wants a ring to get it pierced with a stud first then change to a ring once it's healed, mine just wouldn't heal with a ring, was constantly red and sore but once I changed it to a stud it was totally normal within a couple of days and I was able to put a ring back in

@whatagloriousthingtobe

As others have said if she wants to take it out it'll heal over fast and won't leave a noticeable scar. I've had mine done three times, think I was about 13 the first time and you wouldn't know at all. One tip from personal experience is if she wants a ring to get it pierced with a stud first then change to a ring once it's healed, mine just wouldn't heal with a ring, was constantly red and sore but once I changed it to a stud it was totally normal within a couple of days and I was able to put a ring back in

Thanks @whatagloriousthingtobe, she seems to want a stud anyway.

Yes you can buy in a jewelers, though I think stud size is determined by the piercer, according to anatomy. Your dd would need to wait up to a couple of months for the piercing to heal so wouldn't be able to change her stud for a while. You might want to get her a stud with a reciept so she can swap.

Incidentally, I don't much like them either though my ds has a nose stud so small I forget it's there.

I had mine done at 14 and it was fine

I'm not sure why a lot of people are assuming she'll get bored of it, or grow out of it.

I have both sides of my nose pierced, wearing rings on both sides (both were done over ten years ago - I'm almost 30 now - and I still LOVE them and am complimented on them all the time!).
I also have a Medusa piercing, a tongue piercing (which is also over ten years old), one of my ear lobes is stretched to 19mm, and I have give or take (as I can't actually remember) 10 other ear piercings.

The only piercings I've ever had done which I've taken out, was my belly piercing - three close pregnancies meant taking the jewellery in and out was a ball ache, and I had the corner of my mouth pierced. I took that out as it didn't heal properly, but if it did, I'd likely have kept it.

If I'd told my parents about each and every piercing or tattoo (I have lots of tattoos too) I was going to get, they probably would've just sighed and said 'again?' and let me get on with it. It's my body, it's really nothing to do with them!

I think it's important to let your kids do what they want to do. My dc are all still very young, but we already know that when they're older, we'll never stand in their way when it comes to 'body mods'.

Life is too short to blend in

@impossible

Yes you can buy in a jewelers, though I think stud size is determined by the piercer, according to anatomy. Your dd would need to wait up to a couple of months for the piercing to heal so wouldn't be able to change her stud for a while. You might want to get her a stud with a reciept so she can swap.

Incidentally, I don't much like them either though my ds has a nose stud so small I forget it's there.

Thanks impossible. I will get one with a receipt so that she can swap it if she likes. Might have to wait until after they're done to know the size then.

Life is too short to blend in

I admire that approach in many ways. I have spent most of my life trying to blend in. Wish I had the confidence not to care!

Not sure piercings and tattoos have anything to do with "blending in" anymore. In some places, you can even be the only one out because you don't have one.

Awwww...nose piercings are lovely... she could do far worse.

My mum cried the first time I dyed my hair. I think it’s a sign your little girl is growing up!

It's lovely that you have agreed to this and supported her (even if you don't like the way they look).

I've got numerous piercings and a few tattoos. Up until very recently I didn't have my nose pierced. I got it pierced last weekend, two small studs on the same side. I have chatted to lots of people this week, including people who see me on a regular basis. As of yet, no one has even mentioned it so it may be that your daughter's is just as discrete and you don't really notice it.

My friend had a nose piercing in college, when she took it out she said snot leaked through the hole until it closed!
How does snot leak out of a hole on the top of your nostril? Rhetorical question as it doesn’t, unless you’re talking about a septum piercing which even then I’ve never ever had a problem with snot leaking when it’s not in.

And it left a noticeable scar.
I’ve got scars from spots that haven’t even popped. DP has had stitches and never scared from them, everyone’s skin is different so you can’t make such a statement.

Does your daughter realise many professions frown upon facial piercings? That there’s an infection risk? That she’d have to take the piercing out for most professional interviews? Even in less professional settings nose piercings are often considered a safety hazard in case they get caught and torn, so it’s either tape over them or take them out.
Do YOU realise that many “professional” settings also don’t judge you on your physical appearance. I have worked for local government, large corporate sporting organisations, education, charities and not once have I needed to remove any of my facial piercings. Judgemental and outdated attitudes like this are waning thankfully, and with regards to the “health and safety” aspect the same goes for lobe piercings in many settings, but you don’t seem to have an issue with that.

I’d be sad too. I don’t like nose piercings, they remind me of bulls with nose rings and I think they look awful on many people.
This stands out to me though, especially given OP has stated partner the reasoning she wants to get the piercing is cultural. Cultural ignorance and underlying racism at its finest!

Buying a nose stud sounds a lovely idea. I'm not sure if shops will exchange studs if they are not faulty though. Perhaps you could take your daughter out to choose a stud for her together?

I really don't like nose rings. They actually make me feel a bit sick. But a little stud on one side can look quite nice.

Your daughter sounds lovely.

@ConfusedBear

Buying a nose stud sounds a lovely idea. I'm not sure if shops will exchange studs if they are not faulty though. Perhaps you could take your daughter out to choose a stud for her together?

Thanks @ConfusedBear, that sounds like a good plan.

And thanks @LoveFall, she is indeed lovely!

Sounds like you're handling it well OP. My mum was always supportive of me getting new piercings and tattoos (after the initial shock) and I always felt that it was really nice that I could go home and show her my latest additions and she would be all excited for me. I don't know what she really thought but I felt she was on my side. Bless her. I'm in my mid 30s now and only have my nose stud left but I am covered in tattoos. Haha.

Not sure if this has been mentioned but I would really recommend double checking that the piercer uses a decent quality stud/ring. I can't remember what the correct type is, but silver in particular is so bad because it can permanently dye the skin around the stud black and it will be really hard if not impossible to get rid of it. It's called argyria and it's so annoying but easily prevented with proper jewellery.

Further to @impossible’s suggestion if you’re going with her to the appointment the piercing studio will have a selection of jewellery so you could buy her one in the correct size from them to surprise her with whilst she’s having it done! Are there particularly relevant metals or colours to her heritage, such as gold or red?

I remember in my teen goth phase my Mum spotting the most fabulous velvet skirt when we were out shopping and buying it for me; I treasured it because she was putting aside her own preferences and thinking about what I would really like (also it was fricking gorgeous!).