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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have had my first quick comeback but now I feel SO guilty!!

326 replies

firstquickcomeback · 06/08/2021 09:38

I'll keep this brief,

We're staying in a hotel, sitting at breakfast and my 5yr old is being a handful (nothing crazy!) just he is very excitable and can be loud at times. Anyway we're all sorted and he's eating nicely and a lady passes our table (early 60's in age I'm guessing) she started talking and then I realized she was talking to me. So I said "pardon" to which she blurted out "he's quite a handful isn't he, I should think you'll be stopping and doing yourself a favour and not having any more!" Shock
Then...without further thought I turned and said "and isn't it a shame your mother didn't stop before having you, she could have done us all a favour before bringing another judgmental person into the world"

Well my husbands jaw dropped! She said "excuse me?" I told her to go away.

The woman on the table across from me said it was the most entertaining thing she had heard all summer and told me she was out of line. BUT now I feel immensely guilty Sad

Should I find her and apologise? WIBU?

OP posts:
CanIPullYouForAChat · 06/08/2021 11:39

Also, no one is saying you can never be annoyed by a child. I’m sure even the most tolerant of us have inwardly sighed when hearing a loud child in a confined space.

But there’s a big difference between just being inwardly annoyed, and actually going up to the parent and making rude comments and telling them they shouldn’t have any more children. That was disgustingly rude and the woman got what she deserved.

I’m sure I’ll be called horribly ageist but there is a definite culture of certain people over 60 who think they can go around making rude comments to strangers, but are absolutely staggered when someone says something back. “Dishing it out and not being able to take it” is completely true.

eightyfourandahalf · 06/08/2021 11:42

This thread reminds me that even on a forum dominated by parents, there’s a thin but very real thread of dislike and intolerance of small children in public places in British culture.

British children are stereotypically seen as horribly rude and complete snowflakes.

Confusing being a child and have no boundaries is exactly what is seen as wrong with the Brits.

Surely PARENTS are perfectly able to judge what is not acceptable children behaviour, and have an opinion. Happiness in a child is not measured in the amount of noise and disturbance they are causing, quite the opposite actually.

Notimeforaname · 06/08/2021 11:43

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SmallChairs · 06/08/2021 11:46

@eightyfourandahalf

This thread reminds me that even on a forum dominated by parents, there’s a thin but very real thread of dislike and intolerance of small children in public places in British culture.

British children are stereotypically seen as horribly rude and complete snowflakes.

Confusing being a child and have no boundaries is exactly what is seen as wrong with the Brits.

Surely PARENTS are perfectly able to judge what is not acceptable children behaviour, and have an opinion. Happiness in a child is not measured in the amount of noise and disturbance they are causing, quite the opposite actually.

I am not British, but lived in England for many years —and lots of other places too — and I don’t recognise this at all. I could certainly point to a number of other cultures in which children inconveniencing adults is far more encouraged.
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 06/08/2021 11:47

This thread reminds me that even on a forum dominated by parents, there’s a thin but very real thread of dislike and intolerance of small children in public places in British culture.

I'm not sure I agree with that. I think there's a real dislike of shit and entitled parenting. There's loads of threads where (for e.g.) someone's child has been hit by another child and the parent of the hitter has done fuck all to control their child or even apologised. Replies mostly criticise the parent's response rather than the child's behaviour.

eightyfourandahalf · 06/08/2021 11:49

I would love to know where children are actually encouraged to be a nuisance Confused

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/08/2021 11:52

Love it! What a brilliant comeback.

vivainsomnia · 06/08/2021 11:53

No, she was rude but I certainly get where she's coming from. My and OH pet hate is going to a nice hotel, looking forward to a nice breakfast, still trying to wake up, enjoying a break from the buzz and noise from day to day life, to find ourself rushing through it, desperate to get out because a kid is being a brat and their parents hardly do anything about it, seeming to think it is perfectly acceptable and not bothered that there are disturbing an entire room.

So part of me think good on her, but ultimately, as you've rightly pointed out, she was being no better than you showing bad manners.

Arcminute · 06/08/2021 11:53

“ British children are stereotypically seen as horribly rude and complete snowflakes.

Confusing being a child and have no boundaries is exactly what is seen as wrong with the Brits. ”

Who stereotypically sees them this way?

I am half British, half from another European country (and I spent most of my childhood in that country) and I don’t hear this stereotype. Where is the stereotype perceived?

SmallChairs · 06/08/2021 11:55

@Sweetpeasaremadeforbees

This thread reminds me that even on a forum dominated by parents, there’s a thin but very real thread of dislike and intolerance of small children in public places in British culture.

I'm not sure I agree with that. I think there's a real dislike of shit and entitled parenting. There's loads of threads where (for e.g.) someone's child has been hit by another child and the parent of the hitter has done fuck all to control their child or even apologised. Replies mostly criticise the parent's response rather than the child's behaviour.

That’s fair enough, but from what the OP said, the child was being calmed down perfectly adequately by his parents, no one was hurt, and the brief annoyance of his loud voice snd juice-spilling was over by the time the other woman approached. And she wasn’t saying ‘Please stop your child kicking my chair/screaming/throwing cereal’, all of which would have been perfectly reasonable.
Arcminute · 06/08/2021 11:56

@vivainsomnia

No, she was rude but I certainly get where she's coming from. My and OH pet hate is going to a nice hotel, looking forward to a nice breakfast, still trying to wake up, enjoying a break from the buzz and noise from day to day life, to find ourself rushing through it, desperate to get out because a kid is being a brat and their parents hardly do anything about it, seeming to think it is perfectly acceptable and not bothered that there are disturbing an entire room.

So part of me think good on her, but ultimately, as you've rightly pointed out, she was being no better than you showing bad manners.

Yes we all get why some people get annoyed. But if you were going to say something would you not say “your child disturbed my breakfast and I am not happy about it” rather than something irrelevant and rude? I would be far more “good on her” about a clear statement of dissatisfaction with the situation as it affected her, than something oblique.
Starjammer · 06/08/2021 11:56

Calling a 5yo on holiday 'horrendous' for switching chairs a few times and accidentally spilling a juice. Bloody hell.

Stay at an adults-only hotel if you don't want the occasional excitable small child. We did pre-DC.

bewilderedhedgehog · 06/08/2021 11:58

I don't think it was a great comeback. I think you were both rude, and it's pricked your conscience which is why you are feeling guilty. Also at 5 (unless there are any specific reasons e.g. disability) your child should be able to behave in a public place.

saveforthat · 06/08/2021 12:00

Why is it relevant that she was early 60s

cherrybonbons · 06/08/2021 12:01

OP stop justifying yourself,
You reacted to a situation, like a normal human being.

People seem to think as parents, we have the utmost control over our children. But it's HARD. Yes we must discipline and teach right from wrong. But sometimes situations happen outside our control. You sound like you got it back under control as soon as you could,
I wouldn't dare to tell an adult how to behave to why do we think it's appropriate to tell an adult how to get their children to behave.

Yes it's annoying to have children being difficult when trying to enjoy breakfast. But if we go off this mantra; then parents of multiple children, children with SEN, etc, would never be allowed to do anything for fear of being told off by another.
The lady was rude. Who is she to tell you about your life.

As long as the disruptive behaviour doesn't go on for ages and ages and a parent is trying, then it really doesn't bother me what others are up to.
Why, just because someone has a child at a table means that others think they can have an opinion on that family is beyond me.

Good for you OP.

Katefoster · 06/08/2021 12:02

This is brilliant. Well done OP, maybe she'll think twice before insulting another person again

MaMelon · 06/08/2021 12:02

Well done OP. It will hopefully serve as a reminder to her that if you dish up rudeness then you might just get it served right back to you.

You’re feeling guilty because you wouldn’t normally think or speak like this - it goes against your instincts.

SmallChairs · 06/08/2021 12:03

@saveforthat

Why is it relevant that she was early 60s
Same reason as it’s relevant the child was five? Contextual information?
itsgettingwierd · 06/08/2021 12:03

British children are stereotypically seen as horribly rude and complete snowflakes

Who by?

Compared to the independence older children have in Europe I can see why Europeans may think this.

But having raised a child in Europe in a very mixed European community I can assure you they think British people expect too much from young children.

Their 5yo haven't started school and they still view them as babies at that age.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2021 12:05

Did ye? Aye.

MotherOfGremlins · 06/08/2021 12:05

All the people who hate bratty children ruining their holiday should be choosing adults only venues and not ruining the holidays of others by being judgemental.

My kids can be loud and boisterous, and I'm sick of the looks and comments that we get as a family. I refuse to stop going on holiday just because of the children's disabilities, and while I do what I can to keep things calm, I refuse to performance parent them so it appears that I'm trying to make them behave when I know that they can't help it. My family's happiness is just as important as anyone else's.

The OP's child doesn't have SEN (as far as I know), but my point is that all the judgemental posts give a little idea of what life can be like when you're just trying to live life with children who have an invisible disability.

bullyingadvice2017 · 06/08/2021 12:09

Don't feel rude! She was rude.
You will laugh about it for years to come

BlowDryRat · 06/08/2021 12:09

You didn't say anything to her that she hadn't already said to you about your DS. Don't feel guilty and don't hide if you see her around! Stand tall, act unconcerned.

eightyfourandahalf · 06/08/2021 12:09

MotherOfGremlins
All the people who hate bratty children ruining their holiday should be choosing adults only venues and not ruining the holidays of others by being judgemental.

and we find one of the parents...
If you want to have bratty children, up to you to rent a place in the middle of nowhere. You have no right to ruin everybody's holidays.

and again, what do you suggest children who are inconvenienced by naughty and feral children do?

Your choice to have kids, up to you to parent them, or keep them out of the way if you can't be bothered.

BlowDryRat · 06/08/2021 12:10

What did your DH say BTW?