To have had my first quick comeback but now I feel SO guilty!!

[firstquickcomeback]

I'll keep this brief,

We're staying in a hotel, sitting at breakfast and my 5yr old is being a handful (nothing crazy!) just he is very excitable and can be loud at times. Anyway we're all sorted and he's eating nicely and a lady passes our table (early 60's in age I'm guessing) she started talking and then I realized she was talking to me. So I said "pardon" to which she blurted out "he's quite a handful isn't he, I should think you'll be stopping and doing yourself a favour and not having any more!"
Then...without further thought I turned and said "and isn't it a shame your mother didn't stop before having you, she could have done us all a favour before bringing another judgmental person into the world"

Well my husbands jaw dropped! She said "excuse me?" I told her to go away.

The woman on the table across from me said it was the most entertaining thing she had heard all summer and told me she was out of line. BUT now I feel immensely guilty

Should I find her and apologise? WIBU?

@Comedycook

How did she deliver her line...if it was said seriously with a sneering look then yanbu. If she said it whilst smiling and laughing as in a joke, yabu.

How could telling a random stranger not to have any more children possibly be a joke???

Good for you OP, I bet if you hadn't said what you did at the time, you would be kicking yourself all day that you hadn't!

Your child was rude, loud, and annoying during breakfast at a hotel when people are hoping to relax and enjoy themselves, and have paid for the privilege. You were rude to not contain him.

She went a bit far, but no doubt was driven to it by what to you is just 'very excitable' and 'loud at times' behaviour and noise levels. What you said back was petty and vindictive.

Omg this has made my week fantastic well done!!!!

I was grateful. I have spent two years saving up for my holiday. I absolutely did not want my peaceful quiet breakfast ruined by out of control children

You can stay at an adults only hotel.

Unfortunately you have to share the world with a whole host of other human beings who may, at any given time, be having a bad day, a bad moment or simply have a harder time,coping with life.
For a myriad of reasons.

They may also be having a really good day and momentarily get excited.

When it comes to small children this happens quite easily and at 5 years old if NT, do absolutely know how to behave well but at such a young age they are still only learning how to manage and control feelings and impulse.

And with new exciting surroundings and sounds they wouldn't normally have, it often leads to over excitement.

It amazes me how people genuinely expect a young child to fully understand all social etiquette and behave as an adult should/would.

There are loud obnoxious adults who spoil my meals out just as much as children

Don't worry, I suspect she's laughting about herself now...
... or sobbing uncontrollably in her room.

I think you BOTH blurted out comments that came out rather more strongly than the way you meant them in your heads.

It's easy to see other people as 'perfect' and everything they do as fully intentional, while seeing yourself as struggling, imperfect and battling against the world. The other person is going through their own daily struggles, imperfections and foot in mouth moments too.

She probably meant 'he's quite a handful, I sympathise with you. Don't feel pressured to make your life harder for yourself'. Obviously that is not what she said.

She was wishing away a notional, not-yet-existent child, and saying this to you. You were wishing away a real, living person to that person. Your comment was objectively the more offensive.

But, we all say ridiculous things sometimes.

She went a bit far, but no doubt was driven to it by what to you is just 'very excitable' and 'loud at times' behaviour and noise levels. What you said back was petty and vindictive.
So the woman went "a bit far" but the op "was petty and vindictive"
How did you come up with that.
The op only mirrored back what the woman said

Don’t give it another thought, OP. Even if your child was laying waste the hotel, it was a profoundly unpleasant thing to say.

Why do you expect anyone to "empathise"?

Because it is human nature to look at a potentially stressful situation (excitable child in a new environment) and think I'm glad I'm not the one dealing with that, it looks stressful.

Indeed BorderlineHappy. If you're happy to dish out rude comments to strangers going about their everyday lives you should fully expect to get it right back at you. OP at least you only had to deal with her for that one incident; women like that are usually self-appointed family matriarchs who tend to give out unsolicited advice and expect others to fall in line with them.

She started it. She deserved it.

You dont get to comment on someone else's reproductive choices at the same time as insulting the child they have. You just dont get away with that.

If I'd been at the table beside yours, I'd have agreed with you and it would indeed have been entertaining.

She was rude and you were rude.
I wouldn't be looking for her in order to apologise any more than I expect she'll be looking for you in order to apologise.

She went a bit far, but no doubt was driven to it by what to you is just 'very excitable' and 'loud at times' behaviour and noise levels. What you said back was petty and vindictive.

What the woman said was vindictive. What if the op was having a miscarriage or had just had a stillborn baby? The woman can fuck right off with her “clumsy” comments.

Best thread of the day goes to..... You 🙏😁

Well done Op - hopefully it will make her think twice before being so rude, judgemental and hurtful to someone else in future.

I had a moment like this many years ago when I was trapped on a plane with my tired crying 1 year old. It must have been awful for everyone but it wasn’t exactly a picnic for me either. The woman in front stood up and started ranting at me to take her somewhere else (em, for a walk outside??) that she had four children and they never ever behaved like this and I barked back, out of nowhere, “well I feel sorry for your four children having a bitch like you for their mother”. And it felt wonderful.

Lol

Whenever I see threads saying I gave a quick comeback for once in my life here’s what I said I always think 🤔 you don’t feel bad your either proud and just wanted to share or it’s what you thought of replying after the event happened.

@Notimeforaname

I was grateful. I have spent two years saving up for my holiday. I absolutely did not want my peaceful quiet breakfast ruined by out of control children

You can stay at an adults only hotel.

Unfortunately you have to share the world with a whole host of other human beings who may, at any given time, be having a bad day, a bad moment or simply have a harder time,coping with life.
For a myriad of reasons.

They may also be having a really good day and momentarily get excited.

When it comes to small children this happens quite easily and at 5 years old if NT, do absolutely know how to behave well but at such a young age they are still only learning how to manage and control feelings and impulse.

And with new exciting surroundings and sounds they wouldn't normally have, it often leads to over excitement.

It amazes me how people genuinely expect a young child to fully understand all social etiquette and behave as an adult should/would.

firstly - no, I do not have to restrict myself to staying in an adult only hotel, which in any case I couldn't as not all my group was over 18 2- no, I do not have any problem sharing the world with any number of children. I have been a foster carer for many years 3- no, this behaviour as described by the OP is not acceptable in a 5 year old and 4- no, this is not a case of a good or bad day happening - this is a mother who sees nothing wrong in her child behaving in such a way as to make another member of the public feel the need to come over to her and attempt to tell her that she is not coping with the child she currently has.

The other woman was rude, yes, but who knows how much this child had intruded on her and wound her up to get her to this point.

The OP admits the child had actually gone up to the woman's table. The Op admits the child is a "handful" and "excitable and loud"

The OP sees nothing wrong in that. The OP needs to learn to control their child now, or the "excitable and loud" handful of a 5 year old is going to become a 10 year old with far worse problems, then a teen with worse problems still

The Op also needs to control their child out of consideration for the public around them.

The OP is concerned about nothing other than gathering "praise" for her o-so-clever ( in her opinion) putdown, which was basically to tell the woman she should never have been born.

So we have a 5 year old behaving like a naughty 2 year old, running up to other people's tables at breakfast, being noisy, and taking time to settle, and a parents who's response, when someone tries to tell them (all be it rudely and clumsily) that they are not coping with having a child in a public dining area, that they should not exist, and then coming on mumsnet expecting a pat on the back?

They are not getting a pat on the back from me.

They are getting the truth

Which is that they are not controlling their child adequately and that needs to change before things get worse.

Good for you Monicuddle what was her response to that?

Your son must have been causing a scene for her to comment. You might be used to it but at 5 he shouldn't need to make loud noises at the breakfast table.

Should I find her and apologise? WIBU?

Sorry to be blunt, but this is why women will always lag behind men. Stop overthinking it and grow a pair. Someone was rude, you put them in their place. End of.

Don’t feel guilty and I like the person who commented and showed you support! They didn’t see an issue.

I was grateful. I have spent two years saving up for my holiday. I absolutely did not want my peaceful quiet breakfast ruined by out of control children.

There are adults only hotels specifically for this reason. I always used to holiday in adult only hotels pre-children, they are amazing.

I sometimes think we have reverted back 200 years to “children should be seen and not heard.” Certain people seem to have completely unrealistic expectations as to how small children behave. Even when well behaved they can be on the noisier side.

We all have to share this planet with billions of other people, including children. If that bothers you that much, either stay home or only go to designated adults only places.

Also, adults can be just as bad, if not worse than children. I’m sure we’ve all been trying to enjoy a nice meal in a restaurant and had a herd of drunk and rowdy drunken adults on a nearby table ruining it for everybody. Give me an excited child over that any day.

I'm a grandma who is on gransnet.
I'm pretty sure if that woman posted on GN saying she made this light-hearted comment and got a rude retort - she'd be told it was her own fault.
Don't apologise, OP.