To not enjoy my children?

[TheBoredom]

All the time?

Because of the Covid situation completely screwing up childcare this summer I am taking 4 weeks of parental leave plus 2 weeks annual leave to cover the school holidays. It would have cost £2k to use holiday clubs locally which is more than I earn. There is only one which would take both of them (there are more for 5+) 8-6pm. Usually grandparents would help too but they would not this year. DH is too busy and important to take more than 2 weeks leave for our holiday (last two weeks of the holidays).

DC are 4&6.

I am sick of "muuuummmy".
I am bored to tears.
The noise. DS roars all of the time and DD has a high pitched girly shriek.
They are bored of all of their toys.
They refuse to play in the garden, they prefer trashing the house.
The house is a mess.
Everything has to be booked a month ahead.
Over the park.
The fighting.
The constant snacks.
I am lonely and yet I don't get 5 minutes peace.
The weather has been mostly rubbish.
They had to isolate for a week at the end of term too so we have been off for 3 weeks already.
Money - I had £100 a week (£400) to spend on treats/ days out. I thought this would be loads but it barely covers anything - a trip to the cinema with popcorn and a drink cost over £30, swimming was £20. Petrol for days out - I have spent £100 more than usual. Our roof has sprung a leak and so we have had to dip into our holiday spending money to pay for it and so I am under pressure not to spend much so that we can enjoy our holiday at the end of the month.
My friends seem to be flaky - I made plans for play dates etc but they all seem to cancel/ amend the plans which makes them shit (eg my best friend from school lives two hours away, we planned to visit for a couple of days but she got a better offer so reduced it to a day trip which was just long and tedious with the DC fighting and shouting all the way home). Others want to go to soft play and have lunch out which would be another £30-£40.

My work got no cover for me and so my work is just building up. I feel panicked about that and end up logging on to work (work have said they will pay me back for this but it isn't the point - they should have got cover). I get calls and messages throughout the day. This is not helping at all.

I feel bad that I am not enjoying them. DH keeps telling me I should enjoy these days but I really, really don't. I am marking the days off like a prisoner.

We do have some good times - I have taken them out to as many places as I can but these are short lived. Today I am waiting in for the roofing man so we are stuck inside and DH has decided to work from home so that he can be here when the roof man comes (but we can't go out in case he is on a call when he turns up) but he is complaining about the noise (and has banned the tv because DS hit him).

Aargh. Roll on September.

AIBU?

YANBU

DH keeps telling you to enjoy it? Pack up and go away for a week and see how much he fucking enjoys it.

Dickhead.

YANBU. Small kids are a pain in the arse. I wish I’d realised that before I had some.

YANBU children at that age are very demanding and extremely hard work it's fine not to enjoy an enforced 6 weeks of childcare. Even SAHM dread the long summer holidays.

Don't worry about expensive trips out at 4-6 though they don't appreciate them the same way that older children do and you'll end frustrated that you wasted your money and they still moaned (which is ok that's what children do).

Practical ideas:
-Give up on the mess, yes house will be a state for 6 weeks but you can sort it all out when they go back. With two small children constantly at home you are never going to get more than not dangerously unhygienic without running yourself into the ground.
-Children want to be where you are so if you want them to play in the garden you have to be in the garden too.
-Embrace outdoor messy stuff, water bubbles and a load of plastic bits in a tub is always a winner as is an opportunity to dig about in the mud ans make mud pies etc.
-Get a load of shaving foam and stick in on a pinned down rubbish bag and let them draw in it.
-Make salt dough using flour water and salt and let them mess about with it.
-Take them on long walks to tire them out, they'll moan the whole way but at least you'll get out of the house.
-Build a den inside out of kitchen chairs with sheets pinned to it with clothes pegs. Let them play in said den with tablets/books it will be infinitely more attractive than doing the same activity in their bedrooms.
-If you have to stick them in front of the TV or tablets to get some peace so be it.

Generally just except the fact that its all a bit shit but other people feel this way too and will be over in September.

p.s. this is not on your DH is being a massive twat Today I am waiting in for the roofing man so we are stuck inside and DH has decided to work from home so that he can be here when the roof man comes (but we can't go out in case he is on a call when he turns up) but he is complaining about the noise (and has banned the tv because DS hit him).

I'm really sorry that sounds very tough. You do appear to have a dh problem here though. If he's not on active parenting then he can't be dishing out punishments.

Yanbu at all, it sounds like you're having a really tough time

Sit down with DH and tell him to get his head out of his arse and help. He's not too busy and important to take some leave. If he's not going to be around to help, he doesn't get to use banning the TV the next day as a punishment. He can give consequences at the time (naughty step or whatever).

Tell work you're unavailable while on leave and block their numbers. You can address the work that's piled up when you go back, but be clear that you can't do overtime to catch up and that they need someone else to cover your absences. Your leave is there for rest and recuperation, and they're being wholly unreasonable to penalise you for taking it.

Can you do some cheaper days out? Go to the library, the swings, feed the ducks, museums? You could maybe set up a home cinema with a DVD, duvets downstairs, shop bought popcorn etc. Would they enjoy cooking or baking? Can be relatively cheap for ingredients - cakes, bread, pizza dough, etc. If your budget can stretch to physical toys it might help to tire them out - trampoline, hula hoop, pogo stick, stilts. Get them to write a play (or use a favourite story book if they're stuck), dress up and act it out, and set up a camera to film it so they can watch it back.

I'm out of ideas but if you look up cheap activity ideas on FB or Instagram there are usually lots!

You have a DH problem.

YANBU. I have four children and it's really hard, and relentless.

I thought from your description that you were a a single parent. This is not OK from your DH. It doesn't sound like he is pulling his weight. Does he at least take over at weekends?

Thank you.
It helps knowing I am not alone.
How SAHP do it, I do not know!!

I think having a list of things to do when we are home will help. I do usually get them out in the morning to wear them out and then let them play/ watch tv in the afternoons.

Usually DH is at work and not here so he doesn't get to make useful comments He has said he will take half term off if we have not found childcare by then (our childminder retired) which will be interesting as he has never had them on his own for more than a few hours.

One thing mine did at that age was build diagonal alley in their bedrooms with boxes and Lego, we just about managed for it to not be a fire hazard, but it kept it up and them busy most of the summer. They drew on the boxes made Lego things for the shops did loads of imagining stuff, watched the films (again) made hogwarts food in the kitchen.

And frankly if DH wants to ban the tv and for them to be quiet I’d dump them in his office and go out for the day. He’s only able to do what he is doing because you are enabling it, he therefore can not dictate what goes on to allow that to happen.

@PigeonPink

YANBU. Small kids are a pain in the arse. I wish I’d realised that before I had some.

At those ages it was a mix of seeing friends, tv, park, playing at home and being bored!
Luckily money wasn’t an issue so soft play etc was order of the day. Or we’d go to park and picnic w friends. Sometimes we’d see their cousins.
The meeting up was often for my sanity as well as theirs. By those ages they were seeing friends from school so I got some respite as well.
Your Dh sounds like a pita. I’d go for a coffee and leave him to deal w builder and kids to piss him off!

I feel your pain, we had 2 weeks of isolation at end of term so a 8.5 week summer holiday here. 2 boys that rarely contend to themselves unless in front of a screen or wrecking the house 😑 constant food demands, bickering, mithering me. I know when they get back to school I'll miss them to bits but would be fab to get a few hours peace once in a blue moon ( youngest still comes in my bed at night so I'm with them at least 23 hours a day) and I'm a person that needs solo time to decompress. Frazzled doesn't come close to describing my current mood 🤦

Your DH sounds a little selfish but perhaps you need to be clearer with him about how hard it is to manage your day while being micromanaged by someone else.
You could spend less on days out. I agree with a pp who suggested long walks. Make this (or some similar exercise) the focus of many days out. You could drive to different places to vary the walks. They will moan but after a couple of hours of exercise every other part of the day really does become a lot easier. A picnic or hot chocolate with a TV movie or a trip to a second hand bookshop becomes a huge treat. Sympathies - been there!

I just wanted to check that you are not comparing holiday club prices to just your salary? Your husband is gaining by not having to do childcare too, so at the least half of the cost should be notionally coming out of his salary. It's not fair that it should always fall to you to cover.

Yanbu I’m a sahm I feel I should be better and enjoy this but the hours are crap, the pay is crap and the coworkers are ok but in small doses (also how do 4 smallish kids eat as much as 10 and wear enough clothes to make this much washing?)
I’ve had a lot of flaky friends too, one just text to say not going to park incase of rain do you want to do the most expensive soft play in the area, no thanks I’ll keep my £60 for an hour thanks
Only 33 sleeps to go!

The issue here is your husband not taking leave when he should be.

Your kids trashing the house does sound like boredom. Can you switch up the activities you are doing? I know it's hard to think of stuff.
Sounds difficult

@PigeonPink

YANBU. Small kids are a pain in the arse. I wish I’d realised that before I had some.

This really tickled me. So bloody true!!

@TheSmallAssassin

I just wanted to check that you are not comparing holiday club prices to just your salary? Your husband is gaining by not having to do childcare too, so at the least half of the cost should be notionally coming out of his salary. It's not fair that it should always fall to you to cover.

This. Although I do appreciate that as a family, you might be down as a result of childcare costs.

Personally, I'd have organised a mix of you having them and childcare. Especially if work is refusing to get cover - even if you just did a few days a week work while they're at holiday club, just to try keep vaguely on top of things.

But basically, your DH is being a dick. Yes, there are things you can do that are cheap but sometimes, the best way to manage is throw money at the problem. It's not clear to me why you must suffer for 4 weeks so that for 2 weeks, while he's off, everyone has a blast? That's ridiculous.

As for the roof thing - I'd be laughing in his face on that. Either he's there for the roof man and you are going out. Or he leaves it to you. He certainly doesn't get to complain about noise when he is the one insisting you're all at home together.

At a more practical level, he could help in other ways - if he's working from home, on those days, he needs to make sure he knocks off at a set time so that you can leave the house/go for a bath/ disappear into another room while he deals with the DC and their supper. Ditto, first thing in the morning.

If you have a class WhatsApp group, can you send out a general messaging saying something like, "we're thinking of having a picnic in the park tomorrow if anyone is free and would like to join us" because it's a pity your regular friends are so flakey. We wouldn't survive without the complicated labyrinth of swapped playdates and arrangements with a few core friends.

All these people saying DH is being an arse; he is working from home. Working from home means he has to be available to take calls when they come. It doesn’t include childcare. The wfh era is no more; schools and childcare settings are open so people should not be minding children and working from home.
I don’t tjink the OP is unreasonable at all; having young children to entertain all day is wearying. I used to leave the DTs to it for periods so that they learned to amuse themselves. In the garden on good days definitely, with cars and chalk and a few pieces of wood for roadway play; mud kitchen; treasure hunt or just mooching and using their imagination.

I'm on maternity leave but with older children too and feel the same OP (and the worst part is I'm a primary school teacher so am actually quite fond of small children!). I find it so hard not having a few minutes peace - even having lunch with a 3 year old making the conversation is quite exhausting. I also find you need so, so many activities to fill the day. I know suggestions on threads like these are made with the best of intentions and they do provide good ideas, but I sometimes feel like 'and what about all the other hours in the day?!'. We had lunch and baked two different types of cake yesterday, one after the other, and not even an hour had passed.

Yes, but by that logic, @Pottedpalm, how can he also be available for the roofer? I fully agree with you that he's wfh and not childcare (something I would very much like my own husband to remember without being reminded of) but he can't have it both ways.

Also. I very much disagree with this whole thing where one parent gives a punishment that they then don't have to see through/enforce/suffer the fallout from. Fine, ban tv for hitting. But not when it impacts you; he needs to find a different punishment (time out? Removal of another toy?) because that's just rubbish.

Also ALSO, I HATE this narrative that partners have of 'you should enjoy it'. Yeah, thanks. Fuck off.

Small children are just hard work. Lots of good suggestions above. I also like taking them to the free zoo (pets at home) to look at the animals. And giving mine a couple of quid each to spend in Poundland. That always goes down well, spending their own monies!

@Pottedpalm He's not an arse because he can't help while he's working, he's an arse because he's far too busy and important to possibly take any annual leave so that he can share out the childcare, and also because he's unilaterally imposing punishments on the kids that actually end up punishing OP.