To not enjoy my children?

[TheBoredom]

All the time?

Because of the Covid situation completely screwing up childcare this summer I am taking 4 weeks of parental leave plus 2 weeks annual leave to cover the school holidays. It would have cost £2k to use holiday clubs locally which is more than I earn. There is only one which would take both of them (there are more for 5+) 8-6pm. Usually grandparents would help too but they would not this year. DH is too busy and important to take more than 2 weeks leave for our holiday (last two weeks of the holidays).

DC are 4&6.

I am sick of "muuuummmy".
I am bored to tears.
The noise. DS roars all of the time and DD has a high pitched girly shriek.
They are bored of all of their toys.
They refuse to play in the garden, they prefer trashing the house.
The house is a mess.
Everything has to be booked a month ahead.
Over the park.
The fighting.
The constant snacks.
I am lonely and yet I don't get 5 minutes peace.
The weather has been mostly rubbish.
They had to isolate for a week at the end of term too so we have been off for 3 weeks already.
Money - I had £100 a week (£400) to spend on treats/ days out. I thought this would be loads but it barely covers anything - a trip to the cinema with popcorn and a drink cost over £30, swimming was £20. Petrol for days out - I have spent £100 more than usual. Our roof has sprung a leak and so we have had to dip into our holiday spending money to pay for it and so I am under pressure not to spend much so that we can enjoy our holiday at the end of the month.
My friends seem to be flaky - I made plans for play dates etc but they all seem to cancel/ amend the plans which makes them shit (eg my best friend from school lives two hours away, we planned to visit for a couple of days but she got a better offer so reduced it to a day trip which was just long and tedious with the DC fighting and shouting all the way home). Others want to go to soft play and have lunch out which would be another £30-£40.

My work got no cover for me and so my work is just building up. I feel panicked about that and end up logging on to work (work have said they will pay me back for this but it isn't the point - they should have got cover). I get calls and messages throughout the day. This is not helping at all.

I feel bad that I am not enjoying them. DH keeps telling me I should enjoy these days but I really, really don't. I am marking the days off like a prisoner.

We do have some good times - I have taken them out to as many places as I can but these are short lived. Today I am waiting in for the roofing man so we are stuck inside and DH has decided to work from home so that he can be here when the roof man comes (but we can't go out in case he is on a call when he turns up) but he is complaining about the noise (and has banned the tv because DS hit him).

Aargh. Roll on September.

AIBU?

It's hard work. My DC are 6 and 8 and it's a lot easier now- those couple of years make a difference.
I would suggest getting out early - swim sessions are really busy here but if you book a 9am one they're more available. Or get on the scooters in the park at 9.
I also find that for a small treat they enjoy helping with the house work! So they run the hoover round, make beds (sort of) load up the washing machine. Then once they've been helpful for a couple of days we go and get a few cheap sweets from the shop.
Go to the library - in fact go to different libraries around your county.
Use the telly , it won't kill them and it isn't the end of the world.
Do you have a local leisure centre? Ours offers flexible summer childcare with fun activities for 3.50 an hour per child. Even a couple of hours for a couple of days might buy you some sanity.
Hang on in there

DH keeps telling me I should enjoy these days
Fuck him! Ok so I may be projecting slightly being 2 weeks in myself but seriously? He can’t handle more then a couple of weeks for an organised holiday with them but he says you should be “enjoying” it?
Nah.
It’s not enjoyable. Even more so when you realise the cost of just one day out.
You are the full time entertainment committee. The organiser, the financier, the full time referee and nag!

Lol. Definitely projecting. Sorry OP, no useful advice other then to say I hear you!

[quote takealettermsjones]@Pottedpalm He's not an arse because he can't help while he's working, he's an arse because he's far too busy and important to possibly take any annual leave so that he can share out the childcare, and also because he's unilaterally imposing punishments on the kids that actually end up punishing OP.[/quote]
We don’t know that; OP says he has taken two weeks for the holiday. Maybe realistically that IS all he can take. Many years DH was unable to take even his allocated number of holidays as the state of play simply didn’t facilitate it. He got paid extra instead but would have loved more time with the DC.
Ultimately it is very hard . I think helping the DC to amuse themselves is the way forward. If they are entertained every minute they come to expect it and can’t play independently.

@pottedpalm - amazing how often it's the man who simply can't come up with some kind of flexible arrangement. Amazing.

Doesn't seem to matter what job he does. But if it's the person with a penis who does it, it's impossible to "let the team down", "they won't let me be flexible" or whatever. I see it in my own relationship (with a DH who in all other ways is actually great), and even more in SIL's relationship. It's bollocks.

Yanbu - I found the dependent years pretty wearing. I'd come in for work and it was constant demand for drinks and snacks, and one can only play with young kids for so long. The good news it doesn't last forever and they do start to get their own drinks and make their own sandwiches eventually. Hang on in there

I teach secondary. I used to dread the summer holidays when kids were little, as, like your said, it's full on but also lonely. And after the madness of a typical school year, I just wanted time off by myself.

They're older now and I'm barely seeing them. Do I miss those years- especially from 1-7? Do I bollocks.

Yeah I'm not buying it, I agree with @TiredButDancing. I've seen it countless times. Women are expected to be flexible, whereas if a man does, it's seen as going over and above. My own DH when taking time off to look after our sick child was asked "can't your wife do it?"

It was OP's own words that her DH is "too busy and important," which I took as sarcasm, meaning that he could if he wanted to, but he's painting a picture that the company will fall apart if he takes leave for a week or two (which is rarely the case). Don't forget the OP is not relying solely on annual leave either; she's had to take additional parental leave, which the DH is also legally entitled to do.

Yes looking after your own children 24/7 is mostly shit. Welcome to the club. I'm a sahm and no grandparents. I detest the summer holidays. It's hellish. Constant demands

As usual there is a bit of a character assignation of the husband but I agree his comments were clearly a bit Insensitive

However - if you have childcare issues why are you still holidaying together for 2 weeks.....we don't have childcare during school holidays so we have to split it between us meaning no joint holidays

If you were worried about work then surely you'd just have to suck up the £2k cost - and anyway saying childcare is more than you earn js a bit of MN no no - the cost should be split with DH and if his job is as important as you say then he should be able to afford to split the cost?

The holiday was booked at the end of last year and circumstances have changed in that our CM has retired, she finished at the end of term. We haven't been able to find a replacement yet but from September our DD will be at school and we will be able to use the school holiday club and childcare vouchers for most of the holidays. The only viable alternative we could get this summer was £50 a day each, no vouchers.

We both used quite a lot of holiday during the lockdown - one day a week each to relieve the pressure on us - and so neither of us had enough leave to take over these holidays. I get more leave than DH.

DH struggles to get more leave over the summer holidays as it is, I don't think they would agree to him taking unpaid leave now anyway. Although he never asked. He is the higher earner too so it would make an impact on finances if he took unpaid leave.

It just didn't make sense to spend £2k on 4 weeks holiday club when I bring home £1.4k a month and could take unpaid leave. I was actually looking forward to it

My work have never had someone take parental leave before and (apparently) it wasn't logged properly that my team would be short staffed, so they have authorised holiday for my colleagues too and there isn't enough cover to go round. They are doing the really urgent stuff but everything else is just piling up and I feel anxious just thinking about it. I am doing about 2hrs a night sorting through emails and prioritising what needs to be done now. I won't log on at all when we are away.

It is hard work OP. We’ve just come back from two weeks camping and I am honestly exhausted.

It seems so odd to me that so many women don't actually know what it's like to look after their own kids 24/7. I know a working mum who took the summer off and honestly she was shocked at how hard it was.

Argh OP it sucks doesn’t it! And there is nothing like someone telling you that you should be cherishing it to make you question your own sanity. It’s so normal. Kids struggle with the lack of routine over the summer. - mine are certainly less likeable when out of routine. I’m looking forward to when they are old enough for whole day drop off play dates…

@Comedycook

It seems so odd to me that so many women don't actually know what it's like to look after their own kids 24/7. I know a working mum who took the summer off and honestly she was shocked at how hard it was.

Can you explain what's odd about it if the woman is working? How is she meant to know if she's not used to it?

@Comedycook

It seems so odd to me that so many women don't actually know what it's like to look after their own kids 24/7. I know a working mum who took the summer off and honestly she was shocked at how hard it was.

Why is that shocking? I have never done it before - odd days and holidays with my DH but not this long at home before. I am sure a SAHP would struggle going to work FT if they had never done it before.

So often I hear women criticise mums who dislike the school holidays, usually working mums who think it must be lovely to hang out all summer with your kids...in reality it's shit mostly

@Comedycook

So often I hear women criticise mums who dislike the school holidays, usually working mums who think it must be lovely to hang out all summer with your kids...in reality it's shit mostly

Again, what's odd about it? If someone hasn't experienced it how are they going to know what it's like?

You don't make sense.

Meet friends with kids as much as possible- drink coffee while the kids play. This is the only way to keep sanity!

No. YANBU
It's like a 24/7 nanny slash housekeeper job but without the pay and no time off or space to even think a thought without someone fucking pestering you. At least nannies get to clock off

@Isthisit22

Meet friends with kids as much as possible- drink coffee while the kids play. This is the only way to keep sanity!

I think this is the biggest thing really. you need to have friends or acquaintances in the same situation as yourself and so if you can have playdates and generally they can then entertain themselves to am extent.

Me and DH were just talking about how we need to get mixed In more with people with kids and same mindframes etc as we currently barely see friends who are at different stages in life.

@Pottedpalm

All these people saying DH is being an arse; he is working from home. Working from home means he has to be available to take calls when they come. It doesn’t include childcare. The wfh era is no more; schools and childcare settings are open so people should not be minding children and working from home. I don’t tjink the OP is unreasonable at all; having young children to entertain all day is wearying. I used to leave the DTs to it for periods so that they learned to amuse themselves. In the garden on good days definitely, with cars and chalk and a few pieces of wood for roadway play; mud kitchen; treasure hunt or just mooching and using their imagination.

I don't think anyone's saying he's being an arse for not doing childcare while working.

He's being an arse for

1. Insisting on WFH, insisting on quiet but also insisting the OP can't go out because he thinks he is too important to tell his colleagues he's got to jump off a call for 5 mins to speak to the roof man
2. Thinking he is too busy and important to take ANY time off to look after his kids over the summer
3. When OP complains, telling her she should be enjoying it rather than empathising or suggesting any alternatives!

@AtrociousCircumstance

You have a DH problem.

My opinions exactly.

My DH takes two weeks off in the summer holidays or he stumps up the money for childcare out of his spending money.

Honestly why did you have them?

What did you think it would be like 🤷🏼‍♀️

YANBU.

I'm fucking sick of the myth that women should enjoy motherhood 24/7.

I've had something really heartbreaking and upsetting happen this week. Yesterday my father told me I should just concentrate on what's important and appreciate my children.

I do appreciate my DC. However as a lone parent who is permanently knackered I think I'm also allowed to want a break and something to look forward to.

[quote TiredButDancing]@pottedpalm - amazing how often it's the man who simply can't come up with some kind of flexible arrangement. Amazing.

Doesn't seem to matter what job he does. But if it's the person with a penis who does it, it's impossible to "let the team down", "they won't let me be flexible" or whatever. I see it in my own relationship (with a DH who in all other ways is actually great), and even more in SIL's relationship. It's bollocks.[/quote]
Maybe in your experience this is so. However, not sure all jobs work in the same way. If you are heading up a multi million ( or even billion) pound contract you don’t just stamp your foot and demand your annual leave, or extra days. You suck it up and keep negotiating. It’s not as simple ad ‘not being seen as a team player’, it is your team. More than one holiday has been spent with me on the beach with the DC, and DH back in the hotel room for much of the day, working. Not ideal, but necessary.