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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not enjoy my children?

131 replies

TheBoredom · 04/08/2021 11:00

All the time?

Because of the Covid situation completely screwing up childcare this summer I am taking 4 weeks of parental leave plus 2 weeks annual leave to cover the school holidays. It would have cost £2k to use holiday clubs locally which is more than I earn. There is only one which would take both of them (there are more for 5+) 8-6pm. Usually grandparents would help too but they would not this year. DH is too busy and important to take more than 2 weeks leave for our holiday (last two weeks of the holidays).

DC are 4&6.

I am sick of "muuuummmy".
I am bored to tears.
The noise. DS roars all of the time and DD has a high pitched girly shriek.
They are bored of all of their toys.
They refuse to play in the garden, they prefer trashing the house.
The house is a mess.
Everything has to be booked a month ahead.
Over the park.
The fighting.
The constant snacks.
I am lonely and yet I don't get 5 minutes peace.
The weather has been mostly rubbish.
They had to isolate for a week at the end of term too so we have been off for 3 weeks already.
Money - I had £100 a week (£400) to spend on treats/ days out. I thought this would be loads but it barely covers anything - a trip to the cinema with popcorn and a drink cost over £30, swimming was £20. Petrol for days out - I have spent £100 more than usual. Our roof has sprung a leak and so we have had to dip into our holiday spending money to pay for it and so I am under pressure not to spend much so that we can enjoy our holiday at the end of the month.
My friends seem to be flaky - I made plans for play dates etc but they all seem to cancel/ amend the plans which makes them shit (eg my best friend from school lives two hours away, we planned to visit for a couple of days but she got a better offer so reduced it to a day trip which was just long and tedious with the DC fighting and shouting all the way home). Others want to go to soft play and have lunch out which would be another £30-£40.

My work got no cover for me and so my work is just building up. I feel panicked about that and end up logging on to work (work have said they will pay me back for this but it isn't the point - they should have got cover). I get calls and messages throughout the day. This is not helping at all.

I feel bad that I am not enjoying them. DH keeps telling me I should enjoy these days but I really, really don't. I am marking the days off like a prisoner.

We do have some good times - I have taken them out to as many places as I can but these are short lived. Today I am waiting in for the roofing man so we are stuck inside and DH has decided to work from home so that he can be here when the roof man comes (but we can't go out in case he is on a call when he turns up) but he is complaining about the noise (and has banned the tv because DS hit him).

Aargh. Roll on September.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LBOCS2 · 04/08/2021 18:14

Exactly @WaterBottle123 - if you're senior enough the majority of your meetings will be 'yours' so you can hop out of them if needs be. It's only an issue if you're externally facing, which is not the case in lots of senior roles; they're strategic rather than client involved.

longdistanceclaraaa · 04/08/2021 18:18

I was hoping that by age 4 and 6 it would be much better. Mine are 1 and 3 now....

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/08/2021 18:23

Tip 1 - download roblox
Tip 2 - buy pva glue and lots and lots of crafts
Tip 3 give the kids a hair brush so they can brush the cat Grin

Mine are 11 and 6 and I'm wfh full time.
Oh and lego. Usually they get restless at 3pm where I get an hour for lunch so I'll either go on trampoline with youngest or go to ducks. Oh and don't worry about the mess.

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/08/2021 18:25

But my dd aged 6 is very imaginative and crafty unlike my eldest. She has made lots of 3d things which is great but my god it makes a mess.

To not enjoy my children?
megletthesecond · 04/08/2021 18:26

Yanbu.

WaterBottle123 · 04/08/2021 18:27

[quote Pottedpalm]@WaterBottle123
You are joking, right?[/quote]
@Pottedpalm

No I am not. Corporate senior roles carry more flexibility.

WaterBottle123 · 04/08/2021 18:28

@LBOCS2

Exactly *@WaterBottle123* - if you're senior enough the majority of your meetings will be 'yours' so you can hop out of them if needs be. It's only an issue if you're externally facing, which is not the case in lots of senior roles; they're strategic rather than client involved.
@LBOCS2

Even my clients are pretty forgiving of a 2 min diversion to answer the door.

But then I'm not a man desperately trying to avoid childcare or domestic responsibilities

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/08/2021 18:30

Or pair of scissors and old clothing make a puppet or something. I was putting some mom jeans in bin yesterday and my 6 year old took them of me and cut them up and made this lol keeps her occupied. BTW I do nothing for any of this crafting stuff it's nice she keeps herself occupied whilst I work in kitchen with door closed

To not enjoy my children?
moita · 04/08/2021 18:30

OP - I hear you. I work part time and I time I got into the office is a welcome break from all of the demands.

We really have to drive to do anything decent. Our local park has gone to ruin so that's petrol and often paying for parking.

I take picnics everywhere so that does cut down on cost but it's hard when you go out with friends and they're splashing out on ice creams/coffees.

I adore my children more than anything but fuck me it's hard work!!!

moita · 04/08/2021 18:31

oh and mine are 3 and 5: both very clingy still

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/08/2021 18:32

She made this today the cat box other day

To not enjoy my children?
HereticFanjo · 04/08/2021 18:44

YANBU. I hate this brave new world of booking everything three fucking weeks ahead. Fucking hate it. You are not alone.

Graphista · 04/08/2021 18:44

You most definitely have a dh problem he needs a kick up the arse!

The very least he could have done is also taken parental leave he certainly is out of order dishing out punishments that he won't have to deal with!

he has never had them on his own for more than a few hours.

That's utterly ridiculous! About damn time he stepped up properly! The half term shite he's hoping childcare will be sorted by then and he won't have to make good on it

He can certainly do the bulk of the childcare at evenings and weekends!

Regarding costs :

Check local cinemas for special discounted kids film showings. When my dd was small our local cinema did cheap sat morning screenings of old kids films (but she'd not seen them) we took our own snacks and drinks in my rucksack style handbag

Have you checked your local and neighbouring councils pages for free/cheap school holiday events? There's usually loads of stuff being put on at libraries, museums and leisure centres.

Google "cheap and free activities for kids aged..." and you'll get loads of ideas, I recommend you look at guides and scouts websites too they're full of easy/cheap/free ideas

Have you loyalty cards? The points on those can often be exchanged for days out. Gets you more value usually than if you simply spent those points on shopping, or juggle to free up money. Eg Tesco Clubcard points used against mobile phone bill I think gets you triple value and so would free up a phone bills worth of money

Chores - they are not too young! They can be responsible for keeping their rooms tidy, putting clothes away inc dirty ones in hamper, taking their dirty dishes through to kitchen etc. This age is PERFECT For sock pairing duty.

Have a routine still and stick to it - seems like more work but I found kids quickly got used to it and actually liked knowing what we were doing each day and on that day each week (I was a childminder at this point)

"If it's Tuesday it must be the park... (Weather permitting but I wouldn't allow a light summer shower to put it off, kids are waterproof! Wrap em up warm and shower proof and they're generally fine. Plus it can be quieter on less sunny days meaning they had their pick of the equipment!)

"If it's 2pm that is quiet time..." I would engage them in listening to a story or reading or writing their own or drawing/colouring or a jigsaw, the little ones would nap

Everyone knows where they stand then.

Learn to embrace lazy mornings in front of the TV in pj's. If you're up and out too early you end up home with a huge chunk of the day still stretching ahead of you.

I'd agree with that. No point rushing to get up to effectively do nothing

Do you have separate finances and he's expecting you to pick up the bill for this?

Excellent question

High earner can mean big mortgage, high travel costs..

Can but doesn't have to - those things are choices

I had an early riser too so I feel your pain there! I too when she reached an appropriate age made sure she could access ready to eat/drink breakfast items so she didn't wake me up quite as early as bloody 5.30am!!

One thing I did which may not be possible for everyone but might help some as a future idea. I saved what I could when I could through term times -

jan - jun savings were used for summer holiday extras/cover

Jul - Dec savings were for Xmas and dds birthday (which is only a few weeks after Xmas and the first few years broke me!)

I know that doesn't help you now op but be good to sit and make a plan with dh like this for next year? Even if you have childcare cover then it will give you a bit extra for the weekends and your family holiday?

Pottedpalm · 04/08/2021 18:50

@LBOCS2

Exactly *@WaterBottle123* - if you're senior enough the majority of your meetings will be 'yours' so you can hop out of them if needs be. It's only an issue if you're externally facing, which is not the case in lots of senior roles; they're strategic rather than client involved.
Indeed; you wouldn’t pop to the door if you were a senior executive negotiating with a Chinese company, or the Saudis.
WildfirePonie · 04/08/2021 19:26

£2k on 4 weeks holiday club when I bring home £1.4k a month

And take into account what DH brings home, yes? Surely you're not expected to pay it all?!

JoanWilderbeast · 04/08/2021 19:36

Women's expectations of life have increased so much now, good thing obvs, children's expectations wrt attachment to their mum, not so much. It's a work in progress.

Roselilly36 · 04/08/2021 19:49

Those ages are tough Op. I can remember it well, my two little boys and the constant, arguing, fighting. And the mums at school helpfully say oh we love the school holidays, when I was thinking roll on September! But they grow up quick. My two are 20 & 18 now and best friends. It’s all worth it in the end. But bloody hard work at the time I know.

Heronwatcher · 04/08/2021 20:09

Does your DP need to be fully engaged on all of his calls (I would doubt it). If not, could he be doing stuff like tidying/ sorting washing/ meal prepping etc whilst on non essential calls. Other things I would suggest-
Pay for a cleaner once a week, if necessary stick it on an interest free credit card for 6 months
Get your DP to block off an hour in his diary each day when he will be with the kids. You go out for a coffee or otherwise just get out of the house.
Get membership to a soft play for a month (or discounted passes)- again on a credit card if necessary.
Get your DP to batch cook meals at the weekend and freeze them to defrost each day. Also get your DP to prep lunch in the morning before he starts work- even just sandwiches on a plate in the fridge.
Make sure you get a lie in at the weekend. I think that everyone is a little bit jaded about childcare this year so don’t feel bad about it but I do agree that your DP does need to step up and make things a bit easier for you if you’re going to make it to September without having a major breakdown! I also think that you need to stop worrying about work, it’s not really fair of them to expect you to do everything that you would’ve done in the period when they haven’t been paying you. You’ll just have to manage expectations when you get back to work and make the point that you can’t take on new stuff until you’ve cleared the backlog, but don’t worry about that until you have to.

nukeitfromorbit · 04/08/2021 21:31

@pottedpalm
Indeed; you wouldn’t pop to the door if you were a senior executive negotiating with a Chinese company, or the Saudis.

very true but nor would you be working from home so you could chat with the roofer in this position either.

Honestly given that the OP has told us her DH job isn't especially well paid or senior how likely do you think this scenario applies here.

How many really vital meetings like this do you think take place at home with a houseful of kids and a roofer on the way?

nukeitfromorbit · 04/08/2021 21:33

To be fair I think if you're working from home then you do need to be working and that has to take priority BUT he does not need to be working at home today. I am very confident the OP could have dealt with the roofer by herself if complete silence was vital.

nukeitfromorbit · 04/08/2021 21:35

@Christmasfairy2020

Or pair of scissors and old clothing make a puppet or something. I was putting some mom jeans in bin yesterday and my 6 year old took them of me and cut them up and made this lol keeps her occupied. BTW I do nothing for any of this crafting stuff it's nice she keeps herself occupied whilst I work in kitchen with door closed
Love this! My DD used to keep herself entertained for hours doing junk modelling.
prettylittlepumpkin · 04/08/2021 21:51

YANBU although I agree your dh should step in every chance he gets. I am wfh pt and looking after my 8yo so I'm pretty sure he can help more than what's on your posts. 8 yo are 1000x easier but equally annoying so hopefully you can find some ideas that help your dc ages.

I set out on a Sunday what activities dc will be forced to doing. So this week it's been scooting around the garden.
A sticker activity book from tescos
A massive reel of paper and some stamping pens. Not sure the stamping pens are going to make it to the end of summer though never knew how violent one could be with them
The stamping pens are quite good because dd seems to get some kind of therapy from being stuck with me all day by jabbing the paper endlessly.

Making cookies. Easy cookies. Ones that the ingredients come in 'cup measurements' so I can just measure everything in one cup and shove it in the dish washer Then dd 'washes up'/ floods the kitchen floor just before daddy lunchtime. Note dh will then moan about state of kitchen cue his chance to get involved...

Park
The woods
Anywhere outside come wind rain or shine because then the mess isn't indoors.
Plays with toys
Argues with me
Performs a gymnastic show, a really bad one but means I'm sat down doing 'amazing' eyebrow movements to convince dd I truly do think the forward roll into the dolls house was olympics worthy. But I'm still sat down with a tea, not moving. Because moving exerts energy I don't have Grin
Good luck OP

BettyOBarley · 04/08/2021 21:51

Yanbu!
Mine are 7 & 4 and it's bloody hard work.
They just assume it's constant entertainment every day... and the bickering! God, the bickering.
People at work envy me having 6 weeks off (term time only) and don't get me wrong I'm very lucky but none of that time is your own! It's exhausting.
What I've tried to do so far this holiday is take them out / do a decent activity in the morning then afternoons are movie/popcorn/tablet/"amuse yourself, mummy's having a break time"!

lalafafa · 04/08/2021 22:16

I’m struggling to understand what you thought having kids would be like. Get your Dh to muck in more, he’s obviously finding it as tedious as you do but skiving off parent duties.

zukiecat · 04/08/2021 22:55

@nukeitfromorbit

I just wanted to reply to your comment about SAHM dreading the long summer holidays.

My DDs are adults now, but I absolutely loved every school holiday! I didn't see any of it as enforced child care.

We didn't do fancy activities and holiday clubs, just played in the garden, maybe a wee walk to the park.

I was never happier than when I was with my daughters. I've been on my own since 2002, but even when still with XH, I was practically a single parent, I did everything, and I loved it all.

DD2 still lives with me, and we are each other's best friend, we're super close.

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