To not give in & clean the kitchen, before environmental health is called

[Debbiethemum]

DH & I agreed months ago that he would be responsible for cleaning the kitchen & bathroom, I would do the rest of the house and the laundry.

I have given in and cleaned those two rooms a couple of times (just before visitors were expected). BUT I am getting sick of it.

MIL is coming for the weekend and even I can't bear the kitchen any more in it's current state.

How much nagging is OK and what deadline should I give him.

Debbiethemum - kitchens need to be cleaned every day and bathrooms at least twice a week and most of the grot of the housework is in those rooms. The rest of the house needs hoovering and dusting once a week. Laundry is a clean job.

Think you negotiated a very good deal for yourself with your DH . Maybe you should just renegotiate one that is a bit fairer for him...

I learnt a lesson long ago.
DH will never notice dirt / mess.

It is better just to do it for yourself and be proud of yourself.

Anna - we are all out of the house all day during the week. The surface where packed lunches are made etc is obviously wiped after use. Tyr not to be too judgemental

Nagging will get you no where. Say, "right, your mother is coming. This evening you do the kitchen and I'll do the bathroom" - or vice versa, according to your preference.

And Anna's right. If you don't like the dirt and he can't see it, then you need to look again at your arrangement. That or argue a lot.

But it used to be just the bathroom and he still wouldn't do it. Why the f*k should I work full time, do most of the childcare and clean the whole bl*dy house, sort out menu's for the week, while he does nothing

And the laundry for 4

So what does your DH do apart from work?

Do you share your money?

Get a cleaner and get him to forfeit something he enjoys like beer......

a (male) work colleague once explained to me the reason men and women argue over housework:

A woman thinks "If I haven't cleaned it, it must be dirty"

A man thinks "If it doesn't look dirty, it must be clean"

remembering that has kept me sane at times.

at cleaning kitchen every day!

You shouldn't. But this way isn't working either is it?

For this weekend - get it done. Unless your MIL would be sympathetic to the fact that it was a mess becasue DH hadn't done his share (just imagining my MIL's response to that ). And then you need to have a bit of a chat I reckon.

what would his reaction be if you calmly pointed out the division of labour? would he voluntarily admit that it wasn't fair?

People have different views on what is clean and tidy.

I'll gut my house and dp comes home then starts 'cleaning' our already clean kitchen, but never once has he touched the bathroom.

Same goes for the kids, I tell them to do their rooms each day, they do, to a point, but I still go over them once a week and do them to my standards.

I agree with tellusmater, you start one job and tell him to do the other.

Don't make his job just the washing. I made that mistake, my whites are now grey and it took me ages to catch up. I told him he had to do at least 1 load of washing a day, He did 3 in 2 weeks! He didn't fold any of it. It has now become my job once again.

It's just a man thing.

Yes. Definitely offer a cleaner as an option to your DH.

Get a cleaner!

Why should either of you clean if you work f/t????

DTM - indeed, why the f should you. i agree.

Tell him that you are prepared to negotiate differnt jobs, if he would rather, but that you will not do everything.

And if he does not do the kitchen and bathroom before your MIL arrives, then you will engage a hired cleaner and take the cost out of his share of spare money.

I completely disagree with the poeple who say 'oh, you do it'. It isn't possible to have two wohps, children and not to share the domestic tasks. Not unless you are prepared to be a complete martyr to everyone else in the household.

Grrrr at the whole 'it's a man thing'.

they can learn to do it properley, none of it is difficult - and if you let them get away with that yu are joining in thier conspiracy to dump the whole lot on you.

My DP can do every single domestic task that I can, to the same standards. So can my brother. I would be totally contemptuous of any man who did that pathetci 'I'm hopeless' act.

Other people do things differently, you can't micro-manage, and i do bite my toungue when DP hangs the washing 'the wrong way up' etc - but i daresay he does the same thing!

I am a SAHM and dp works full-time, I still expect him to do something in the house.

A cleaner that he is paying for is definitely an option. DP cooks dinner around once/twice a week, if he doesn't want to then he gets a take away or we go out, that's his choice afaic, as long as someone that isn't me is cooking it.

When we used to both work ft out of the house it didnt get too messy in the day so this was our plan...

he picked dd up and came home and did her dinner and homework, when i got home I would cook our dinner then once dd was in bed we would both spend 30mins tidying/ cleaning until it was all done then we would both sit down together. At weekends we took it in turns to take dd out while the other gutted the house or sometimes we would do it together when dd was in bed. It worked for us and we couldnt afford a cleaner so didnt have that option.

Don't have enough money for a cleaner, though as soon as DH is in a stable job & I can find a decent cleaner we will.

DH does do about half the cooking, and usually the weekly shop. He also does the car maintenance & general DIY, so not totally uesless - but he enjoys those last two.

I also do all of the general tidying or get the children to (even if that does take 10 times longer) and make all the packed lunches.

I just wish he would do his share of cleaning.

Ooops late to a meeting, must go

Blimey Anna, we live in a filth pit by your standards.

Debbie, it is hard but please don't give in - that "Oh I might as well do it myself" thing is understandable but it lets men messy people (sorry, I know sometimes it's the woman) off the hook and always has done. Either go down the cleaner route, or tell him straight (calmly not angry) tonight - we agreed you would do X and you have not done it, it needs doing today and I suggest you start now, it takes x much time and I will be doing , let's have a drink after we're all done. Make it clear there is no getting away from it and it is not acceptable that he has not done it so far. I have done this wth DP - left to himself he'd ignore it, constant nagging would just make him put it off. I got fed up with nagging and we agreed on chores we would each do, we do them after DS goes to bed and then we can relax. I try not to nag as such, I just say matter-of-factly "x, y and z need doing tonight as we have visitors coming - when are you going to do yours, shall we have dinner before or after?" etc. I never say "Please do x, when ae you going to do Y" - I just talk as if he will obviously do them, just like me.

I do know where you are coming from as when we first moved in together my DP agreed - in fact suggested himself - that he woulld do the hoovering every Saturday. 6 months down the line, he had never done it. I pointed this out and he claimed that he jad done it, every saturday! In his mind, agreeing to it was as good as doing it and he genuinely didn't realise he hadn't actually done it until I pointed it out...

Sounds as if your DP does do quite a lot Debbie and it is not because you enjoy a job that it doesn't count towards your share of joint household responsibilities .

DP has to be nagged every thursday to put the bin out, sometimes I ask him as much as ten times, and other times I get fed up and do it myself then he moans and says I shouldn't have done it, it's his job!

TBF though, he does say that he knows when I nag him it's his own fault for not doing things straight away, rather than me just being a nag!

I agree with that - it helps to divide the labour according to what you do best and find easiest. I do the washing in our house because DP loathes hanging up washing - but I'm happy for him to do the dishwashing as his chore instead. He fixes computers and sets up all forms of household-nology because that's his thing, I iron shirts and fix buttons because I prefer it. Etc.

ugh, I hate ironing.