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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm 31 weeks pregnant and he has told no one

154 replies

victopai · 03/08/2021 21:08

Please can I get some advice on how I need to deal with this situation. I have been with my partner for 2 years (live separately). And I found out I was pregnant in jan (this is after years of previous fertility treatment so a shock). I'm now due in 7 weeks and he has told no one. He goes out with friends and has not told them. Has not told his ex I even exist or his children. This is dragging my self esteem to the ground. He is now saying he wants to be in a relationship with me but not ready for a child. That's fine, but I don't feel he can keep this on back burner any longer. What would you do in my situation? At the moment I am trying to plod along hoping for a change or/and exploding at the thought of our son being denied. I feel he wants the perks of a "relationship" with none of the commitment. Do I tell his friends and family, do I leave and never speak to him again, wait and empathise? It's been the worst 7 months of my life and it's breaking me. Thank you for reading

OP posts:
sconenotscon · 03/08/2021 21:15

Oh OP how awful for you... I don't have any real advice to offer because I can't imagine what I'd do in that situation but I didn't want to read and run Thanks

What's your financial situation like? And do you have supportive friends and family around you? I know it's much easier said than done but I would be making plans to raise baby alone

TwoAndAnOnion · 03/08/2021 21:15

Have you met any of his friends and family or are you a totally separate life?

TakeMe2Insanity · 03/08/2021 21:15

This awful. I’d spend my energy concentrating on my own wellness and the baby. Get yourself a birth partner who isn’t him, get people around you who you can rely on. He is not important your baby is.

Hankunamatata · 03/08/2021 21:20

How on earth cam henbe ina relationship woh you but not have one with his baby that you are carrying. Kick him to the kerb and focus on your baby.

SpacePotato · 03/08/2021 21:21

The fact he hasn't even told anyone about you pre pregnancy when you had already been together over a year, unfortunately suggest you were never in his long term plans.

I suspect it's going to cause shit for him somewhere as there is no need for the secrecy (unless he's still on/off with the ex?)

I would tell everyone, then prep myself for being a single parent.

Original poster
victopai · 03/08/2021 21:22

@TwoAndAnOnion

Have you met any of his friends and family or are you a totally separate life?
I have met his parent's and he has supposedly told them. But I do not believe him. They are the only people he has told me he has told.
OP posts:
Original poster
victopai · 03/08/2021 21:23

@sconenotscon

Oh OP how awful for you... I don't have any real advice to offer because I can't imagine what I'd do in that situation but I didn't want to read and run Thanks

What's your financial situation like? And do you have supportive friends and family around you? I know it's much easier said than done but I would be making plans to raise baby alone

Thank you for your reply. Yes lots of supportive friends and family and I have a good job with good maternity. But I am ashamed to tell my own family the situation to be honest.
OP posts:
Trying2310 · 03/08/2021 21:27

I'm so sorry he is making you feel like this at a vulnerable time. This should be such a special time time for you and his selfish and immature actions are ruining this for you. I would end the relationship and focus on your wellbeing and that of the baby. He hasn't shown any signs of being a good partner or father, and that is not likely to change. Have you family you could rely on? You deserve better, your wee baby deserves better. Surround yourself with people who care and love you properly.

Tablow · 03/08/2021 21:27

He wants to be in a relationship with you but doesn't want a child? Erm...you kind of come together now! I'd get rid. You seem well positioned. Enjoy life with your baby on your terms, not second guessing what an earth he's thinking for the next 5 years. Get out now. Enjoy your life.

Poptart4 · 03/08/2021 21:28

Imagine how your son will feel growing up with his dad in a relationship with his mother but having nothing to do with him. Can you imagine the damage that would do to a young child's self esteem and mental health.

He's already dragging you down, don't let him do it to your child.

You need to dump this creep.

mumpalumps · 03/08/2021 21:28

I can hear how exhausted and overwhelmed you are over the disregard your partner (not a term he deserves) has shown you. This man has told you clearly who he is, believe him, it doesn't sound like he plans to be there for either of you, believe me when I say you are worthy of of much better than this, as is your new baby. You both deserve to be loved, cherished and cared for. Don't let this person make the birth about whether or not he will turn up, make it about you and your lovely new baby.

My ex-partner spent my pregnancy changing his mind about whether he wanted to be a dad or not, now he is has missed out on our beautiful daughter and both our lives are richer for it. Only you can decide what you are prepared to put up with, but my hope is you recognise you are both worth much more than this.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 03/08/2021 21:30

Sounds like he hasn't broken up with his wife.

Knickerthief1 · 03/08/2021 21:35

I also would suspect that he still has some kind of relationship with his ex. Please leave this behind as it can only drag you further down.

Figgygal · 03/08/2021 21:35

Yes you should leave him And never speak to him again
What an arsehole
Apply for CMS though

Sceptre86 · 03/08/2021 21:41

He wants to be in a relationship with you but is not ready for a child and that is fine? No it really isn't. Do not devalue yourself or your baby. You need to find the strength to tell your family and get the support you need, a man that would say this to his girlfriend, pregnant of 7 months is not a good one. You need to ditch the lowlife and prepare yourself for life as a single mum. I'm not saying it will be easy to do any of the above, it won't but you need to find the strength as this is unacceptable.

Viviennemary · 03/08/2021 21:45

I'd say the relationship is dead in the water. You don't live together. He hadn't told anybody about the baby. Walk away from this loser. And apply for maintenance.

PrincessNutella · 03/08/2021 21:54

Don't give the baby his last name.

AnyFucker · 03/08/2021 21:58

What does he want you to do ? Keep the baby in a cupboard or something ?

This loser is stupid as well as being a dick. Get rid.

Drivingmisspotty · 03/08/2021 21:59

Don’t be ashamed! It is not you that is acting unreasonably here.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 03/08/2021 22:20

Don't be ashamed! He is the one who has acted shamefully, not you. Hold your head up high. Good luck Flowers

RandomMess · 03/08/2021 22:21

Ensure you name the baby and use your surname. Put in a claim for CMS too because I doubt he'll be coughing up a reasonable amount willingly.

I'd assume the relationship is dead and done and move forwards as a single parent.

toocold54 · 03/08/2021 22:26

What an awful situation! So he could have a wife and kids and you wouldn’t know!
He has kept you his little secret.

Don’t give him the satisfaction of dumping you once the baby arrives.
Get in there first and text him tonight and tell him you don’t want to be with him.
You can tell your family it wasn’t working out so you decided to finish it.
I think you finishing it will be so much better than waiting for him to do it.

Once the baby is born then you can sort out maintenance etc but don’t think about all of that right now.

Looubylou · 03/08/2021 22:33

Please don't accept this behaviour OP, focus on your baby and yourself. I would end this relationship and concentrate on preparing for baby and motherhood. You can do it. Also you have nothing to be embarrassed about - he is the loser in every sense. If he appears in the future wanting contact, I would tell him to go to court - if he doesn't bother, that speaks volumes. He sounds selfish and untrustworthy.

DoodleBelle · 03/08/2021 22:39

Don’t entertain this nonsense. Break up. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Give baby your surname and your choice of first name. Contact his mum and dad yourself if you feel comfortable doing so and would like them to know they are going to be grandparents. Look in to CMS to set up regular maintenance payments as he doesn’t sound like he will be forthcoming with money and he’s proven he is unreliable. Keep your chin up, you can do this!

youdoyoutoday · 03/08/2021 22:40

Honestly, fuck him off and certainly don't give the baby his surname.
In a few weeks time your life is going to change and you don't have time for this bullshit.

Good luck with the baby and please spend your time enjoying being a mother rather than worrying about this twerp of a man!!

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