I'm 31 weeks pregnant and he has told no one

[victopai]

Please can I get some advice on how I need to deal with this situation. I have been with my partner for 2 years (live separately). And I found out I was pregnant in jan (this is after years of previous fertility treatment so a shock). I'm now due in 7 weeks and he has told no one. He goes out with friends and has not told them. Has not told his ex I even exist or his children. This is dragging my self esteem to the ground. He is now saying he wants to be in a relationship with me but not ready for a child. That's fine, but I don't feel he can keep this on back burner any longer. What would you do in my situation? At the moment I am trying to plod along hoping for a change or/and exploding at the thought of our son being denied. I feel he wants the perks of a "relationship" with none of the commitment. Do I tell his friends and family, do I leave and never speak to him again, wait and empathise? It's been the worst 7 months of my life and it's breaking me. Thank you for reading

He is now saying he wants to be in a relationship with me but not ready for a child. That's fine, but I don't feel he can keep this on back burner any longer.

This really isn't fine.. He's destroying your self-esteem to the point you'll take any of his crumbs.

I'd finish with him pronto and NOT name him as father and give the baby my surname. In some respects it's easier he hasn't told his parents as then you won't get guilt-tripped.

You can still claim CMS via DNA testing.

OP you've been given some very good advice to prepare yourself as a life as a single mother.
I would say give his parents the chance to be grandparents. One of my dcs dad isnt interested but his parents have been very supportive to me and have a great bond with their grandchild.
They could turn out to be helpful supportive people to you and your child.
Good luck

Sounds like a cf

I would think you need to move in together before baby comes or call relationship to an end.

Hoping you have family and friends to support you and that you can enjoy some lovely newborn cuddles when the time comes!

I recognise this dynamic.

A dear friend of mine was in a similar position, except he wasn't saying he didn't want to be a father and they were living together - but he was hiding her existence from his 'ex' and two children.

He was still entangled with his ex to the extent that she thought they'd get back together and that twat was letting her think that way because it meant he could have his cake and eat it, so to speak.

OP. Speak to his parents.

I would also contact the ex to make sure he isn't still involved with her but I know that puts you in an awkward position.

He is now saying he wants to be in a relationship with me but not ready for a child. That's fine

I mean, that isn’t fine because you’re going to have his child in a few weeks! He needs to get a grip. I wouldn’t be able to continue with the relationship and I’d honestly be reluctant to add him to the birth certificate. Don’t give your baby his surname whatever you do, I’m sorry to say but I think he’s going to be a deadbeat.

Op, you have had some really good advice here. I hope you take it. Do it today.

Ah OP, I'm so sorry that what should be a really exciting (if slightly nerve wracking!) part of your life is being ruined by this man.

I can only echo what almost every poster has said. Finish this 'relationship', don't put his name on the birth certificate (he probably wouldn't let you anyway) give your baby your surname, tell your friends and family what's going on, and when the baby's born, put in a CMS claim.

A PP detailed what she went through with her husband. Can you imagine trying to pretend (as far as you could) that you didn't really have a baby so as not to upset him? Please just nip this in the bud right now, as it's not going to get any better.

@Soontobe60

Those of you telling the OP not to put the father’s name on the birth certificate, whilst this is understandable, it doesn’t mean their name can never be added. All the father has to do is go to court to apply for a declaration of parentage, he’d need a DNA test to prove this, and then the courts automatically notify the registrar who will reregister the birth with the father’s name added. Looking at it from the child’s POV, there’s many adults out there that spend a great deal of time and heartache trying to find out who their father was as he wasn’t named in the birth certificate. A birth certificate belongs to the child, not the parent. It should reflect the truth about the child’s parents.

In the event it may not be down to the OP. As they aren't married she can't name him on the BC unless he attends the appointment with her. She could get a statutory declaration of parentage but it will need to be notarised and I don't think she should have to worry about additional admin when she is preparing for life as a single parent, do you? As you say, there is absolutely nothing to stop the father adding himself to the BC whenever he wishes but I wonder if a man who has told no-one about this pregnancy is likely to be arsed, tbh.

The children can still know who their father is whatever happens with the birth certificate. What is best depends whether he would be likely to mis-use his parental powers the birth certificate gives him or not.

I'm just echoing everyone else. End it and let his parents know.
You will feel so much better without this loser hanging round you in the last few weeks of pregnancy. Get support from family and friends.

Sounds awful. But non of us know you or him and what the relationship has been like up to this point.
But his comments are seriously not supportive and basically disrespectful at a very vulnerable time for you.
Was the pregnancy a surprise? Had you discussed it when you found out i.e the future?
I mean he has children, so he knows the score. He may be a brilliant or crap dad to the others, who knows.
Not telling friends is weird or meeting anyone.

The main thing is, that you have to consider whether it's worth waiting to see if this man will step up for you enough to stay with him. What kind of father he is with/without being with you is out of your control anyway. Can you put up with this treatment and will it change?

Just be prepared to do it alone anyway. It's not easy, but you're not alone and have some support. I think once you decide, you need to be honest with everyone. You'll be reieved and start to feel stronger.

Also with the grandparents, can you contact them? It might be awkward, but way better than a lifetime of what ifs? My son has a great realtionship with his dads mum and he's not around. Wouldn't be without her.
Also big decisions take time, so give yourself a break.

So many positives OP.

Financially secure.
Lots of support.
Not living with him.
He has shown you who he is BEFORE the baby is born.
You haven't made the mistake of giving the baby his name.

So many positives.

Inform his parents ehen the baby is born and move forward with your life.

He is a waster.
At least you know.

@Soontobe60

Those of you telling the OP not to put the father’s name on the birth certificate, whilst this is understandable, it doesn’t mean their name can never be added. All the father has to do is go to court to apply for a declaration of parentage, he’d need a DNA test to prove this, and then the courts automatically notify the registrar who will reregister the birth with the father’s name added. Looking at it from the child’s POV, there’s many adults out there that spend a great deal of time and heartache trying to find out who their father was as he wasn’t named in the birth certificate. A birth certificate belongs to the child, not the parent. It should reflect the truth about the child’s parents.

If he deigns to make the effort to go to court at least it would show interest in his child.

As for the father's name on the birth certificate reflecting 'the truth'...what crock! 1) A child can still know who their father is without him being named on the birth cert and 2) a married woman can name her husband as the father of her child on the birth certificate even when he isn't. How's that for truth!!

@Zhampagne

I am really sorry that this happened to you but do you see that this experience is precisely why OP should end things now?

On reflection, yes. A decent guy would not behave like the OP’s partner.

I would not deprive the baby of knowing who their father is though so I would definitely put his name on the birth certificate and go for CMS.

What a horrible situation, I think you need to make s plan to do this alone, give the baby your name, don't put him on the birth certificate, start a CMS case and look out for you and your baby. Hugs x

Honestly, I would cut all contact, not tell him I've given birth, not give the child his last name or put him on the birth certificate.

So sorry you are going through this. I honestly think leaving is the only answer. Your baby is a dirty secret. I'd walk

Hope you're doing ok OP - thinking of you x

@Wallywobbles and @IrisAtwood sorry to hear what you've been through too

Thank you everyone. Sincerely from the bottom of my heart. I broke up with him today. I'm upset, but feel lighter and positive of the future for me and my baby. I have taken in every last message, and didn't get to 38 years old and where I am in life to get dragged down by someone i actually do not need. My sister is going to take me to a spa and let me cry all day if I need to. And I'm going to give myself some time. Thank you all again. Once the baby is born, I will raise a glass to all of you wise women who have given me the strength when I thought I had lost it.

You’ll be a great mum. Strong, independent, courageous - a good role model - and, most of all, you really wanted a baby. Wishing you well.

Glad you let us know OP - what a fab sister you have and what a lovely aunt she will be. This baby will be loved hugely and will be a wonderful addition to your family. Well done for taking a stand against such fuckwittery. I hope the birth goes well and you are soon head over heels with your baby - and if you feel like you have been run over by a bus (emotionally I mean)... that's not a sign you've made a bad choice - all new mums feel like that until they get into their stride, take all the support you can and know you (and all new mums) deserve support and love.

A tough call but a great one, having a dad who doesn't want to be involved is a death by a thousand cuts of small rejections and being a low priority. You're making a really strong step for your life with your child

I want to give you a round of applause.

Tough decision, but you've made it, and life for you and your baby will be much better for it.

(Your sister sounds ace too, by the way.)

Onwards and upwards!!!

Sounds like my ex. I finished it with him then contacted his mother once baby was born she was in complete shock to have a grandchild but plays a big part in dc life now so best thing I did. He doesn't want anything todo with child.

Well done for breaking up with him! I think that was totally the right thing to do. Now you can enjoy your pregnancy and baby without him bringing you down about it and eating away at your self esteem. You don't need him.. more than that he's actually detrimental to you. He doesnt respect you and you deserve respect. Its his loss what a scummy guy.