I'm 31 weeks pregnant and he has told no one

[victopai]

Please can I get some advice on how I need to deal with this situation. I have been with my partner for 2 years (live separately). And I found out I was pregnant in jan (this is after years of previous fertility treatment so a shock). I'm now due in 7 weeks and he has told no one. He goes out with friends and has not told them. Has not told his ex I even exist or his children. This is dragging my self esteem to the ground. He is now saying he wants to be in a relationship with me but not ready for a child. That's fine, but I don't feel he can keep this on back burner any longer. What would you do in my situation? At the moment I am trying to plod along hoping for a change or/and exploding at the thought of our son being denied. I feel he wants the perks of a "relationship" with none of the commitment. Do I tell his friends and family, do I leave and never speak to him again, wait and empathise? It's been the worst 7 months of my life and it's breaking me. Thank you for reading

[Ahwelltoobad]

@victopai, I couldn't stop thinking about what you wrote early on in this thread: 'But I am ashamed to tell my own family the situation to be honest.' - You know what, they'll be upset FOR you, but not upset WITH you. Imagine you were the parent, and this happened to your daughter, wouldn't you be wanting to care for her and shield her from harm (and from that runny yoghurt (new term from a recent parking thread!))? Nothing to be ashamed about - that's all on him. I really feel for you and wish you all the best going forward.

[Hugoslavia]

Btw, this happened to a friend of mine. He accused her of getting pregnant deliberately and that he didn't want a baby or anything to do with it. he was mid twenties at the time. He didn't tell anyone. Not a soul. He didn't even tell his closest friends of his dilemma. He just pretended that the whole thing did not exist. My friend decided to keep the baby, move back home to be closer to family and raise it alone. She has never received or asked for any maintenance. They don't have each others contact details and haven't communicated since. I think that she texted him when the baby was born, but that was it. My friend is very happy with her life and her close bond with her child. I often think that it must eat away at the guy. It must screw up any future potential relationships. How do you go on to marry someone else and have children with them knowing that you have another child out there? He was youngish and hen pecked by his parents, which effected his decision as he was scared of disappointing them. Your partner is so much worse. Having had children already, and being older, he should know and understand the love that children bring. The fact that he doesn't is a major red flag. How can you ever love or respect someone like that?

[Antwerpen]

@DoodleBelle

Don’t entertain this nonsense. Break up. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Give baby your surname and your choice of first name. Contact his mum and dad yourself if you feel comfortable doing so and would like them to know they are going to be grandparents. Look in to CMS to set up regular maintenance payments as he doesn’t sound like he will be forthcoming with money and he’s proven he is unreliable. Keep your chin up, you can do this!

Wise advice

[rainbowstardrops]

All sounds very odd. Are you sure he isn't still with the 'ex'?
Two years in and you haven't been allowed to even meet his children? Nah, ditch the loser.

[Notcoolmum]

@Soontobe60

Those of you telling the OP not to put the father’s name on the birth certificate, whilst this is understandable, it doesn’t mean their name can never be added. All the father has to do is go to court to apply for a declaration of parentage, he’d need a DNA test to prove this, and then the courts automatically notify the registrar who will reregister the birth with the father’s name added.
Looking at it from the child’s POV, there’s many adults out there that spend a great deal of time and heartache trying to find out who their father was as he wasn’t named in the birth certificate. A birth certificate belongs to the child, not the parent. It should reflect the truth about the child’s parents.

You can't out there baby's father on the BC though I'd you aren't married abs he doesn't come to register the baby with you. Seems unlikely he would be willing to rock up.

Hope you are OK OP. Please choose a supportive birth partner and have plans for someone to help you after the birth. You may need a section or other procedures which mean you need someone to stay with you for a while after birth.

Def contact CMS when you can. Did you get on with his parents? Did they know you were on a relationship at least?

[IrisAtwood]

I would see how he reacts when the baby is here. It is surprising how people change.

My ex husband didn’t want a baby. I got pregnant and he was awful all the way through the pregnancy but once our son was born he was absolutely delighted and within two years wanted another one.

We did get divorced when our son was three however as he was physically and emotionally abusive.

[NewlyGranny]

He wants to be in a relationship with you but he's not "ready" for a child? Should have had the snip or used a condom then, shouldn't he?!

In what universe does he imagine he can separate you from the baby and go on seeing you?

He's batshit, I'm sorry. Talk to his parents and update them on the pregnancy - after all, he's told them, right? - and then get the legal stuff in place so he has to support his child. It may be that the grandparents might like to have contact even if their DS doesn't.

Think hard about the implications or registering him as the father on baby's BC or not registering him.

What a piece of cooked spaghetti he turned out to be!

[IdblowJonSnow]

Ditch him op. You can do so much better.

And yes, do tell everyone.

Draw support from your family and friends.

[NoProblem123]

He wouldn’t be having any ‘perks’ off me.
Dump his sorry arse, you deserve better.

Congratulations on your pregnancy it’s awesome news

[Darbs76]

This is awful, no wonder it’s been a terrible time for you. You’ve been given some great advice. It’s not easy to walk away but I hope you are able to find the strength to do that. You’ll be ok, it will be a lot easier breaking up now than further down the line. If he’s not ready for another child then leave him to it and enjoy your baby

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

My sons father told me he wasn’t ready and has never seen us since.
He does pay maintenance luckily but only after I went through the CMS and got him to prove DNA. It wasn’t the money but I didn’t want him turning round and saying he couldn’t be sure if he was the dad as the reason for ignoring his child.

However it is a million times easier being a single mum of one than having a husband or partner as well. You can get a routine that suits you, you can be minimalist, get yourself a NCT group for (practical) support. More importantly you can sleep, do the house or go to work and not have to worry.
Don’t put him on the birth certificate ( dna will prove it) so you don’t have to be in contact for legal things.

[Lsquiggles]

Oh OP he sounds like such a scumbag and you deserve so much better! You'll be much happier without him

[DoubleTweenQueen]

@victopai You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Tell your family and friends so you have the support and love - and excitement - missing in your life at this important time.

Focus on yourself and your little one fully. Once you have your baby in your arms your focus will change, and it will bring into stark resolution how badly you boyfriend has behaved towards you.

You can have a perfectly beautiful life without this person in your life, making you feel not good enough. It's actually him who is not good enough for you. Focus on his flaws. Distance yourself from him as much as possible. He's shown who he is.

It's not you!

[butterpuffed]

This is all very odd. I guess it goes deeper than the baby issue as you say he's not even told his friends . So you've never met them in all this time ? Or his children. That's so sad.

Some are saying that he's still with his ex but you've actually met his parents . He must have issues he's not discussed with you

[MrsPerfect12]

Please don't put his name on the birth certificate, it can be added later if he sorts himself out but not removed. This will save you some headaches later. I also agree with the others leave. This won't work and you're setting yourself up for a lot of heartache doing this later. Wishing you the best of luck.

[Zhampagne]

@DoodleBelle

Don’t entertain this nonsense. Break up. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Give baby your surname and your choice of first name. Contact his mum and dad yourself if you feel comfortable doing so and would like them to know they are going to be grandparents. Look in to CMS to set up regular maintenance payments as he doesn’t sound like he will be forthcoming with money and he’s proven he is unreliable. Keep your chin up, you can do this!

This is really good advice, and I would only add that you could also start to think about a supportive friend or family member who would make a good birth partner, as they could also attend antenatal classes with you if you wanted.

[Zhampagne]

@IrisAtwood

I would see how he reacts when the baby is here. It is surprising how people change.

My ex husband didn’t want a baby. I got pregnant and he was awful all the way through the pregnancy but once our son was born he was absolutely delighted and within two years wanted another one.

We did get divorced when our son was three however as he was physically and emotionally abusive.

I am really sorry that this happened to you but do you see that this experience is precisely why OP should end things now?

[Alicesweewonders]

So he wants nothing to do with his child, but still wants to see you to get his leg over?

Christ. He'll have it made, won't he. The life of Riley, all the perks & none of the work.

Can you imagine how you'll feel when the baby comes? It's all consuming with a newborn, sleepless nights, endless feeds. Him popping over all rested, wanting a quickie. You'll end up resenting him, or he'll resent you for not giving him the attention he's used to.

Finish it before it gets bad, and it will. Focus on you & your baby. You both deserve better.

[4togonow]

What does his suggestion of a relationship with you with no child look like?

Are you on social media? Any mutual friends/acquaintances? Surely people will find out that way.

[quixote9]

Aww. Don't feel bad about yourself! Or ashamed toward your family. He's the one being a jerk. He's the one who should feel ashamed, but, being a jerk, probably won't.

I'd add myself to the chorus saying "Dump him." I know it's easier said than done. But, really, you'll be much happier with the child without having to put up with his nonsense all the time. All he'll do is make you sad.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

do I leave and never speak to him again

YES.

I'm so sorry, but this man has already dragged your self-esteem to the ground.

What an absolute tosser. He's not 'ready for a child' when you're over 7 months pregnant?

Make plans now to be a single mother and raise your son not to ever treat a woman this way.

Congratulations and good luck. And it's also OK to be fucking furious about the way this prick has treated you.

[spinningspaniels]

Your baby deserves better than a Dad who won't tell people of their existence. Please don't let this man have a place in their life and let him do this to their self esteem. Do you want your baby to feel like you do??

Block all contact, get as much support around you as you can, and enjoy your baby

[Tinpotspectator]

Truthfully, you deserve more than this.

[thelastgoldeneagle]

Bless you, this sounds awful. He sounds awful.

He's caused you so much stress this entire pregnancy - I'd dump him and focus on myself and the baby from now on. Your life will be so much nicer. Rely on your support network!

Apply for CM when the baby is here.

[FabianK]

@Hugoslavia

Btw, this happened to a friend of mine. He accused her of getting pregnant deliberately and that he didn't want a baby or anything to do with it. he was mid twenties at the time. He didn't tell anyone. Not a soul. He didn't even tell his closest friends of his dilemma. He just pretended that the whole thing did not exist. My friend decided to keep the baby, move back home to be closer to family and raise it alone. She has never received or asked for any maintenance. They don't have each others contact details and haven't communicated since. I think that she texted him when the baby was born, but that was it. My friend is very happy with her life and her close bond with her child. I often think that it must eat away at the guy. It must screw up any future potential relationships. How do you go on to marry someone else and have children with them knowing that you have another child out there? He was youngish and hen pecked by his parents, which effected his decision as he was scared of disappointing them. Your partner is so much worse. Having had children already, and being older, he should know and understand the love that children bring. The fact that he doesn't is a major red flag. How can you ever love or respect someone like that?

You’re underestimating how cruel some people can be. I bet he sleeps very well at night and hardly thinks of the child.