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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Skinny office feeder

578 replies

Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 08:10

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

OP posts:

Whybirdwhy · 02/08/2021 10:17

I just tell people I don't like cake (which I actually don't much). It actually works really well, I never get offered and if I am I never get any grief. How can anyone argue with that?

Developing an egg/dairy/gluten allergy might be handy.

What a pain, I do feel for you. Good advice from PP that you are not responsible for other people's reactions to what you want.

CrotchetyQuaver · 02/08/2021 10:19

She's likely struggling with her own eating disorder, this is classic behaviour when they're starving themselves - there'll be lots online about it I'm sure. I would just shut her down every time. I don't eat crap seems to cover all bases. Hopefully she'll stop bothering you and put her attention elsewhere.

CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2021 10:20

Continuing on the medical theme you could say you have a bit of a thyroid issue and sugary food isn’t good for it.

Alcemeg · 02/08/2021 10:21

I've only read your posts, OP, so apologies if someone else has already said this... but all the responses I've read assume you are saying all this in front of a crowd of people. If I were you I'd have a quiet word with her on her own and explain what you did in your original post. Then she won't push you to have some next time, and if she does you have every right to be as rude as some of the suggestions here.

Floralnomad · 02/08/2021 10:21

I really don’t understand the angst about this , just say no and if she makes any comments just say I’ve said NO .

QueeniesCroft · 02/08/2021 10:22

OP, I really feel for you. I have similar problems, and I've found the best way is to say that I don't have a sweet tooth. "No thanks, I'm not very keen on sweet things" is much more likely to be accepted and remembered than "No, I'm on a diet".

Mrgrinch · 02/08/2021 10:23

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

So sick of people thinking they can say what they like about thin people. Skinny is just as offensive as fat

Oh sure it is if someone called me skinny I'd kiss them,if they called me fat I'd probably lamp them.

Good for you. Skinny isn't a compliment. It's triggering and rude.

LouLou789 · 02/08/2021 10:24

Sooooo annoying! I used to know an older lady like this and she was vastly offended and affronted if people didn’t accept massive slices of cake -and tell her how wonderful she was-

Franklyfrost · 02/08/2021 10:24

I don’t like cake and people do get weird trying to give it to me. I will share what I’ve learnt from a lifetime of escaping gross cake.

What works is saying in the nicest tone, with eye contact and a smile: ‘I don’t want to eat this’.

Don’t say thanks for offering etc. Just say ‘I don’t want to eat this’.

Rinse and repeat.

Only once you’ve given the cake back or it’s obvious they’ve stopped trying to give it to you then you can say something to soften the blow: thanks for offering/ that’s beautiful icing etc.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/08/2021 10:24

I can't understand so-called grown-ups who can't just decline something without making a drama out of it, or need to justify themselves.

Calling someone "manipulative" because they offer cake? Seriously? Just do what you would teach your own kids to do! "No, thank you." Done.

Bullying and coercion can come in different formats. Just as one bully might demand you give them money to control you, another might try to force you into eating something that you don't want. Offering cake and accepting a 'no, thank you' is all great, but repeatedly insisting and trying to force is appalling controlling behaviour. It's just another way in which people count on your being too polite to offend them, as they shamelessly offend you.

I completely agree that inventing a fake medical condition is not a good idea - if you claim a gluten allergy and she makes a GF cake 'especially for you', she'll be even more forceful that you must have some 'after all the effort she's gone to for you'. Plus, that then makes it difficult if somebody later offers something around that you do want, that you couldn't have if you did genuinely have the condition.

I was also thinking of saying something like "Ooh, no, thanks - every time people bring home-made cake in, it always ends up giving me the raging squitters and leaves me rushing off to vomit every half hour!" (assuming that she's the only person who ever brings things in).

Either that or ask excitedly what that teeny, tiny delicate little decoration right in the middle of the cake is. Then, when she says she can't see anything, insist that it's there as she lowers her head to look more and more closely - and then, when she's a few inches away, shove her face right into it and shout "STOP TRYING TO FORCE ME TO EAT CAKE!!!"

Seriously, though, I would do as PP suggested and double it back on her. Insist in the same way she does to you, that 'just a small piece won't hurt' and 'life's too short not to treat yourself'. I do feel for her if she has an ED, but it's absolutely not on for her to ride roughshod over everybody else's needs, preferences and potential food issues/disorders.

Wheatfromchaff · 02/08/2021 10:24

Say 'no not for me'. I wouldn't even say thank you to be honest. No need to explain. If pushed point out that it isn't very professional to constantly bring in food for meetings. You aren't at a coffee morning. It isn't a lunch meeting. It is work. I imagine you aren't the only person who is fed up with it.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 02/08/2021 10:25

Yawn - oh how I do not miss office politics.

Please do not say no thank you - I am trying to be good - sets my teeth on edge just writing it!

Matrons · 02/08/2021 10:25

Beware the office feeder! I used to work with someone v similar, very slim woman bringing in unwanted cakes all the time. I think she had controlling instincts and she felt better watching bigger women eating while she restricted her intake. Eventually I just started saying no thanks im watching my intake and just repeated.

I'm exactly same as you op, one cake and my day is a disaster....I felt much better mentally once I started refusing

Franklyfrost · 02/08/2021 10:26

As soon as you start making excuses as to why you’re not eating the cake it implies you should be eating the cake. Don’t make excuses. You get to choose what you want to eat and when.

SamVimes6 · 02/08/2021 10:26

CounsellorTroi
Continuing on the medical theme you could say you have a bit of a thyroid issue and sugary food isn’t good for it

Why lie? Cake pusher needs to accept “no thank you” as an answer, no need to start inventing back stories

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 02/08/2021 10:26

@Franklyfrost

As soon as you start making excuses as to why you’re not eating the cake it implies you should be eating the cake. Don’t make excuses. You get to choose what you want to eat and when.

100%

ZaraW · 02/08/2021 10:30

I'm finding it really strange people are telling you to lie about not wanting the cake to make her feel better.

youdoyoutoday · 02/08/2021 10:31

I feel your pain! My best friend was the office cake pusher being the size 8 that she is and me, a size 18. I was just honest with her and told her that it's a struggle for me and she would make me a little fruit salad which was nice.

brittleheadgirl · 02/08/2021 10:32

@CrotchetyQuaver

You do know someone can be skinny and eat shit loads of cake? I'm one of them and while being called skinny is irritating, it's nothing more.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/08/2021 10:33

The old MN favourite: "Eeuugghhh, that looks disgusting - I'd rather poo in my hands and clap than eat that crap!"

It's one thing if you're a parent desperately trying to get vegetables into your toddler, but I never understand why some adults are so desperate to force another adult to eat some cake, drink alcohol or whatever, despite their polite refusals. If it's so great and you don't want any, that just means there's more left over for them, doesn't it?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/08/2021 10:35

I'm finding it really strange people are telling you to lie about not wanting the cake to make her feel better.

Absolutely - especially when cake woman clearly couldn't care less about OP's feelings.

Cocogreen · 02/08/2021 10:35

I'd just say " thanks, but I don't eat cake any more."
Not that it's her business but if asked I'd just say " doctor's orders".
Just keep repeating that every time a cake appears and she'll probably give up.

JonahofArk · 02/08/2021 10:37

The worst thing you could do is over-explain yourself. She will use it against you. Do you want her to constantly talk about your eating habits and diet etc? The best approach is to just keep saying no. And when she asks why, say because you don't want any cake. It's that simple. And repeat. If she carries on, then ask her why she is so determined to feed you cake. Put her on the spot.

scoobydoo1971 · 02/08/2021 10:37

She may have an eating disorder, or be naturally thin. She may think she is the next mega-star chef and seek compliments on her cake offerings. She may be pushy to seek validation for what a valued member of the office team she is. You can say no, and tell her it is for medical reasons if it makes you feel better. To be honest, it is when you are watching your weight. If I have sugar or caffeine after 3pm then I can guarantee a sleepless night! If people keep accepting her cake, it starts a vicious circle...she bakes and brings, people eat, say thanks etc, and then she bakes more. When I was a teenager and in my early-20's I was prone to weight gain due to (then undiagnosed) polycystic ovaries. I later found out I had insulin resistance so I only had to sit next to a carb, and would gain half a stone. I had an extreme diet which wasn't healthy and very restrictive. I became obsessed with baking at Uni. Cookies and brownies, especially. Loved the smell, the process of making...never ate them...shared with others, and felt 'proud' of myself that I had refrained from temptation. Eating disorders so funny things to your head. Don't see woman in the office as 'skinny' enemy number one, but come to understand she may have a dozen problems of her own and seeks recognition/ feedback through cake baking for the masses.

Confusedandshaken · 02/08/2021 10:44

'No thanks, I'm off cake at the moment. '. No need to explain. If she persists repeat firmly ' I said No thank you'.

'Feeding' is a way people with eating disorders control food. They have the pleasure of preparing it without having to eat it themselves. My anorexic DS does it often. I don't enable her by eating it.

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