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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Skinny office feeder

578 replies

Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 08:10

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

OP posts:
datepanic · 02/08/2021 10:45

Don't lie.
Just say "No, thank you".
If she keeps trying to push it just keep saying "No, thank you".
No explanations necessary.
If someone repeatedly says no, thank you and she keeps pushing she's embarrassing herself in front of others.
She has issues.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/08/2021 10:48

I'm with you.. Many years ago I decided the only way to maintain the weight I had practically starved to get to, was to never eat cake or biscuits, no exceptions. Just say no. It becomes a habit, and everyone soon knows that you don't eat cake, and it stops becoming a big deal.
You don't need to explain.
Unfortunately I abandoned that way of eating when I was pregnant for the first time, and am no longer at that weight!

Rosieandjim04 · 02/08/2021 10:51

I don't really like cake or have a sweet tooth so I'd just say no and everyone's always respected that. , say you don't really have a sweet tooth.

Lweji · 02/08/2021 10:54

"I'm cutting cake and sugary treats from my diet and I'd appreciate if you respected that and didn't insist I eat it."

NautaOcts · 02/08/2021 10:58

Just Say No

But I feel your pain
Had an acquaintance like this at a group I was part of, she made fantastic cakes, would offer round and really pressure people to take some so you felt rude if you didn’t, then she didn’t have any herself “I couldn’t possibly”

Fairyliz · 02/08/2021 11:01

@Iwantamarshmallowman

There are a 100 lies you could tell .. im vegan , gluten free, dairy intolerant, i had some last week its fu**king discusting or simply just say say No thank you. I used to have a plus sized colleague who would make a huge cake for the team and then get really upset every time an even slightly slim person took a piece. One day she shouted at me that it made her sick that she didn't eat enough to keep a sparrow alive and she was massive while stupid little skinny girls like me stuffed their faces with cake all day. I wasn't even that slim and i went to the gym evey day. I never ate that cake again i just politely declined when it was offered.
@Iwantamarshmallowman Yes I’ve had the it’s unfair speech. No I just eat reasonable sized portions and exercise regularly. Most people have actually lost sight of a normal sized portion as evidenced by threads on here saying you have an eating disorder if you don’t eat a whole 2000 calorie pizza on your own.
Thewinterofdiscontent · 02/08/2021 11:01

I think it’s like giving up alcohol, people always try to persuade you to have just one ( I used to do this too to ge fair).

I was listening to a guy on radio 4 the other day whose mate tried to get him to have a drink after years of sobriety. The guy never forgave him. I understand that it’s more stressful than just saying no.

PalmsandCharms · 02/08/2021 11:03

Can't believe people are making cake woman out to be the devil or that she has an eating disorder. Plenty of people push cake/food on people, whatever their size. It's bloody human nature and we've all done it. Just grow a pair OP and say no ffs.

starfishmummy · 02/08/2021 11:09

I'd just keep saying no. If she ignores you and cuts you a piece anyway just leave it on the table at the end of the meeting. If anyone says anything then "Oh it's not mine, I told (feeder) that I didn't qwant any"

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 02/08/2021 11:10

@PalmsandCharms

Can't believe people are making cake woman out to be the devil or that she has an eating disorder. Plenty of people push cake/food on people, whatever their size. It's bloody human nature and we've all done it. Just grow a pair OP and say no ffs.
Actually, no, this is not 'human nature'. I've never bought cake into work except for special occasions, and have never pushed it on anyone. I just put it on the side and said "There's cake here for anyone who'd like some"

Most people don't push food on other people - pushing food on someone who's said no is shitty behaviour.

lastcall · 02/08/2021 11:11

I know someone like this. She works hard to stay at about a size 8 but is constantly making cakes, cookies, fudge, treats to bring into her work, send into school... I do wonder sometimes if it's a bit P/A to keep putting these items in front of everyone else.

gamerchick · 02/08/2021 11:12

Most people have actually lost sight of a normal sized portion as evidenced by threads on here saying you have an eating disorder if you don’t eat a whole 2000 calorie pizza on your own

Yes and call it competitive undereating Hmm it's weird.

LunaTheCat · 02/08/2021 11:14

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Just say no thank you I'm dieting.
Bless , but don’t say this! This woman is the sort that will use “ I am dieting”as a reason to hassle the OP forever more. I admire you OP - I am far too short for my weight but have zero willpower if there is cake in front of me!
eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 11:15

Most people don't push food on other people - pushing food on someone who's said no is shitty behaviour.

I seriously doubt someone is "pushing food" on someone in the middle of a work meeting 😂

trumpisagit · 02/08/2021 11:16

I don't like cake, is the best answer.
I am vegan, but don't want to get in a discussion with anyone who offers me cake. I would start with "no thanks" and if pushed "no I Don't like cake".
Both my DH and DS genuinely don't like cake, so I don't think it's weird.

Justgettingbye · 02/08/2021 11:18

My mum had weight issues (would go periods of not eating anything good and just live off sugar) and would feed me and my brother cakes/sweet stuff and we were overweight. Similar to you I've managed to keep my bmi relatively ok although I need to lose a bit more. I also worked in an office with a size 6/8 women who had an obsession with food, planning what she'd eat and when and commenting on what other ate in the end I stopped engaging as I was getting sucking in and becoming obsessed myself.

I've realised you can decline food and it doesn't mean you don't dislike the person Smile

1WayOrAnother2 · 02/08/2021 11:20

There are so many great rude replied... but if you have to work with this person, you probably want to avoid that route!

There is always the 'no thanks -I love it but flour/sugar/cake gives me terrible wind'. (Carby foods do this -a bit- to most people :) )

milkyaqua · 02/08/2021 11:21

@eightyfourandahalf

Most people don't push food on other people - pushing food on someone who's said no is shitty behaviour.

I seriously doubt someone is "pushing food" on someone in the middle of a work meeting 😂

And yet someone repeatedly pushing food in a work meeting is what this thread is about. Go figure.
CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2021 11:26

Actually, no, this is not 'human nature'. I've never bought cake into work except for special occasions, and have never pushed it on anyone. I just put it on the side and said "There's cake here for anyone who'd like some"

Absolutely this. I only took cake into work on my birthday or, on one occasion, my last day in the office. I sent an email round to say there was cake in the kitchen and please help yourselves. I never ever pushed it on anyone.

Human nature my arse.

Marguerite2000 · 02/08/2021 11:29

Say 'no thankyou'. If she offers again, say 'I've already said no. I'm not going to change my mind no matter how many times you offer. now piss off
Should get your point across and stop her hassling you.

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 11:29

This is a boundaries thing. She's perfectly entitled to say 'Go on, go on, go on!', and you're perfectly entitled to say 'I don't want any cake.'

Nobody but you is in charge of whether the cake actually goes into your mouth. That's the only boundary you need to worry about. The words are irrelevant. I'd have a quiet chat with her and ask her as a favour to stop offering. Then if she keeps doing it, remind her that you've already had the conversation, and you'd prefer if she stopped offering. She'll start to feel a bit stupid after while. People do, if you put them in a position where it's made clear that they're simply not listening to a basic request.

CoolCatTaco · 02/08/2021 11:30

Keep saying no and if she won't give it up just tell her you don't think she's much of a baker tbh and you don't like her big dry cakes! Rude, but it might shut her up.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 02/08/2021 11:31

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

“No thank you”

Every single time. Do not explain why not. Just “no thank you”.

I really hate when some people think they’re entitled to dictate what people do and do not eat.

This. You owe her NO explanation. No thank you. Rinse repeat, irrespective of her insistence. Or, no thank you, I don't like it.
TedImgoingmad · 02/08/2021 11:34

There's a big difference between bringing in cake, leaving it by the coffee machine and inviting people to help themselves; and bringing it into a closed, professional environment, and putting people on the spot to eat it. The former is kindness. The latter is a power play.

Whatever she is up to, she is trying to yield some kind of "power". That might be by putting you and others on the back foot by putting you on the spot and making you uncomfortable prior to a professional discussion. She may be aware of your (and other's) weight issues, and know that wafting cake in you/their faces negatively effects their concentration. She may be a massive show off/insecure, and needs to make herself the centre of attention and do something to get a lot of (fake) praise, and victim status when she is cruelly refused by the likes of you. It may just be as pathetic as making herself feel better about herself, because she can eat cake without weight gain and is both showing this off and hoping the rest of you get fat.

I've saw this type behaviour from a powerful (and semi famous) business woman, who would target any woman on the other side of a negotiation (especially if they were young) and push biscuits at them, asking them why they wouldn't eat them if they refused. Biscuit scoffing would have absolutely nothing to do with the business meeting, where these younger women were usually there in support roles for the main negotiator, and were not there to interact with biscuit woman. It was just this woman's way of yielding power over another woman in the room.

I'd be interested if OP's colleague pushes her cake on the men as much as she does on the women.

Don't make up excuses for her. Just keep saying no, I don't want any. If she persists, you could try putting her on the spot and ask her why she keeps insisting when somebody says no.

brittleheadgirl · 02/08/2021 11:40

@TedImgoingmad

There's a big difference between bringing in cake, leaving it by the coffee machine and inviting people to help themselves; and bringing it into a closed, professional environment, and putting people on the spot to eat it. The former is kindness. The latter is a power play.

Whatever she is up to, she is trying to yield some kind of "power". That might be by putting you and others on the back foot by putting you on the spot and making you uncomfortable prior to a professional discussion. She may be aware of your (and other's) weight issues, and know that wafting cake in you/their faces negatively effects their concentration. She may be a massive show off/insecure, and needs to make herself the centre of attention and do something to get a lot of (fake) praise, and victim status when she is cruelly refused by the likes of you. It may just be as pathetic as making herself feel better about herself, because she can eat cake without weight gain and is both showing this off and hoping the rest of you get fat.

I've saw this type behaviour from a powerful (and semi famous) business woman, who would target any woman on the other side of a negotiation (especially if they were young) and push biscuits at them, asking them why they wouldn't eat them if they refused. Biscuit scoffing would have absolutely nothing to do with the business meeting, where these younger women were usually there in support roles for the main negotiator, and were not there to interact with biscuit woman. It was just this woman's way of yielding power over another woman in the room.

I'd be interested if OP's colleague pushes her cake on the men as much as she does on the women.

Don't make up excuses for her. Just keep saying no, I don't want any. If she persists, you could try putting her on the spot and ask her why she keeps insisting when somebody says no.

This with bells on!!! I bet she wouldn't dream of inflicting this sort of pressure on a male colleague Hmm