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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Skinny office feeder

578 replies

Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 08:10

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/08/2021 09:52

I wouldn't give her what she's manipulating to get. You don't owe her an apology or an excuse. She's the one trying to foist something on you that you don't want - 'No thank you' is polite. It is impolite of her to press and if she does then I like PP's suggestion of "I don't eat crap".

Absolutely don't make up medical conditions or lie to get yourself out of this, why would you need to do that?

Clymene · 02/08/2021 09:53

@EishetChayil

This happened at a former workplace of mine. A woman who was clearly spiralling into anorexia kept bringing huge cakes in, that she would foist on others while not eating any herself.

I have a history of ED myself, and was absolutely furious that she was being so manipulative while I was trying so hard every day not to let my eating issues spill over into daily life. In the end I went to HR and reported her for compromising my mental health and being unprofessional. Might sound harsh, but I was honestly so angry at her.

Yep. I was going to say that this is very typical anorexic behaviour.
gamerchick · 02/08/2021 09:55

@Frymetothemoon

"I'm sorry, but I have to watch my sugar intake for health reasons" and if she insists "I've already told you I can't, please stop insisting"

A friend of mine used to do this while I was losing weight, until his mum pointed out he was being a "food bully"

This, don't make something up.

She's being as irritating as those people who can't accept no to alcohol and insist on just 1. Assert yourself, look her dead in the eye and say no thankyou.

DanielTigersMummy21 · 02/08/2021 09:55

This is why I like WFH. Control of the working environment.

Some people have an addictive personality and find it hard to resist food that's in front of them, I'm one of them.

ChargingBuck · 02/08/2021 09:55

Calling someone "manipulative" because they offer cake? Seriously?

No, @eightyfourandahalf. Did you not read the OP?
Offering cake is fine & dandy.
Refusing to hear somebody saying "no thank you", & insisting time & again that they eat some, is manipulative & bullying.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 02/08/2021 09:56

I'm quite shocked reading some of the replies about tuis women being a bully. Could it not just be that this women just likes baking and eating cake while being blessed with the type of metabolism that allows her to do this and not put on weight. Also at the weight you describe yourself at you probably also look quite slim and she wouldn't necessarily think a piece of cake would do you any harm at all! ( I'm at the very upper end of the healthy BMI range and do not look at all overweight)

I love baking and when I was working I would take cakes into the office if I'd had a baking weekend of trying out new recipes. I was also , back then,very slim and could eat without putting on weight.

At 50 I'm no longer blessed with being able to eat without putting on weight and recently I've been doing Noom which gives you daily pep talks and covers how to deal with people offering and encouraging you to eat stuff you don't really want to. It has really helped me with my willpower. If I give in to someone else's pressure to eat it really is my problem and no one else's.

Needless to say my baking hobby is on hold until I get back to the weight I want to be.

Mreggsworth · 02/08/2021 09:56

I may be reading too much into it, but from experience working in eating disorders the 'feeders' often are ones with eating problems for two reasons;

-Gives them a sense of vicariously enjoying food through others
-Gives them a sense of control that they are able to decide what other people are eating.

Most people who are very skinny but claim to stuff their face with cake all the time, may well be telling the truth, but they may be very controlled in all other regards when it comes to food.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 02/08/2021 09:56

Tbh, the fact that so many people on here think that the best way to get out of eating something you don't want to eat is to invent a medical condition is eye-opening to me.

If you say "I'd love to but I'm diabetic", she will hear an invitation to bring diabetes-friendly treats. If you say "I'd love to but can't eat wheat", she will hear an invitation to bring gluten-free cakes next time.

Just sat what you mean, which is "No". It's not rude to want to choose what you put in your body. There is absolutely no justification needed and, believe me, everyone else will think she's the weird one, not you, when she pushes it.

Mayhemmumma · 02/08/2021 09:57

I'm exactly like you (though haven't lost that 3 stone yet!)

I'd find this really hard because I would find it hard to say no! I have little self control with cake...

But what works for me in my office is to say 'no thanks, if I eat one I'll want the packet' (it's usually biscuits) then people laugh it off and leave me be and don't say go on just have the one etc

CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2021 09:57

Eh? So we can all say we're pre-diabetic on the basis that we might possibly have a gene that makes diabetes more likely? Can we all equally claim to be pre-cancerous or pre-alzheimers? What a load of shite.

Pre diabetic is a thing. It can show up in blood tests.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 02/08/2021 09:59

@CounsellorTroi

Eh? So we can all say we're pre-diabetic on the basis that we might possibly have a gene that makes diabetes more likely? Can we all equally claim to be pre-cancerous or pre-alzheimers? What a load of shite.

Pre diabetic is a thing. It can show up in blood tests.

But that's not what that poster was suggesting. She was saying the OP should claim to be pre-diabetic on the basis that it might possibly be true, not on the basis that is was actually true.

Pre-cancerous cells are also a thing, but you shouldn't claim you have medical conditions unless you know you actually have them.

ChargingBuck · 02/08/2021 10:00

That said, it might help you to practice having just one small slice of something nice then saying no to more (hard, I know).

Eh?

Are YOU the cake-pusher, @Purplewithred?
OP doesn't want to eat any fucking cake.
Why would "a small slice" be "helpful"?

milkyaqua · 02/08/2021 10:00

You also shouldn't have to declare your actual medical conditions just to finally shut up/deter a food pusher.

Cherrysoup · 02/08/2021 10:00

Have a quiet, very serious word with her. I’d be telling it’s none of her business if you don’t want to eat cake and you do not appreciate her insistence. She should not be trying to dictate to you what you eat. It’s a form of control, she wants to keep everyone around her less skinny than her?

Iwantamarshmallowman · 02/08/2021 10:01

There are a 100 lies you could tell .. im vegan , gluten free, dairy intolerant, i had some last week its fu**king discusting or simply just say say No thank you.
I used to have a plus sized colleague who would make a huge cake for the team and then get really upset every time an even slightly slim person took a piece. One day she shouted at me that it made her sick that she didn't eat enough to keep a sparrow alive and she was massive while stupid little skinny girls like me stuffed their faces with cake all day. I wasn't even that slim and i went to the gym evey day. I never ate that cake again i just politely declined when it was offered.

DillonPanthersTexas · 02/08/2021 10:01

When next offered a slice of cake frisbee the plate hard against the wall, flip the meeting room table over and then do one of those slow motion Matrix style leaps in the air before kicking skinny cake women clean through the plate glass window and onto the street below while screaming 'I don't like cake'. Calmly sit down and return to item no. 2 on the meeting agenda.

Well the above is about as useful as most of the suggested responses on here.

diddl · 02/08/2021 10:03

"No thank you"

"No thank you"

"Why do yoi keep asking?"

Arsebucket · 02/08/2021 10:04

My MIL is like this.

3 months ago I cut out all sugar for health reasons. I’m 100% better than I was, my skin, my health, I’ve lost weight.

But i’m still morbidly obese with a long way to go and she still insists on dropping round all sorts of cakes and treats most days.

dh has told her not to. Delivered them back. when she wouldn’t take them back (“let the kids eat them” um, no thanks), he’s told her they have been binned (we can’t seem to give them away, no charities here that will accept fresh food we have tried them all), she still brings more.

Lulola · 02/08/2021 10:06

If you know she makes it herself…Respond with “which bakery is this from so I know to about it because I always find it really dry?”

Or call her out on it saying why are you so desperate for me to eat something I don’t want?

Arsebucket · 02/08/2021 10:06

Also, a firm “will you please stop asking me if I want cake? I don’t. Thanks.” would do.

But then I’m past caring what I say now.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 10:07

@DillonPanthersTexas

When next offered a slice of cake frisbee the plate hard against the wall, flip the meeting room table over and then do one of those slow motion Matrix style leaps in the air before kicking skinny cake women clean through the plate glass window and onto the street below while screaming 'I don't like cake'. Calmly sit down and return to item no. 2 on the meeting agenda.

Well the above is about as useful as most of the suggested responses on here.

I like your style 😂
nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 02/08/2021 10:08

‘No thank you’ on repeat.

If she still doesn’t get the hint ‘I hate to be unkind it was just very dry last time’

YouthfulIndiscretion · 02/08/2021 10:12

“That looks lovely and very tempting but for boring health reasons I really can’t eat any. Could you please do me a big favour and not offer me cakes in future?”

Lovelybottom · 02/08/2021 10:14

@TheNeverEndingOver

Feeders like this tend to have their own weird weight/food issues.

I know it can feel awkward, but you need to pick a line and stick to it. Maybe even practise it in the mirror - 'No thanks, not for me' and then look away. 'Not today thanks, I'm fine' and then smile. Just remember you are not in the wrong. I wouldn't add any specific reason, as you don't have to justify yourself - if she gets upset it is her issue!

This
Sparklfairy · 02/08/2021 10:15

I don't really 'do' sweet stuff so would have no problem saying no thanks.

She sounds a devious sort though, so would trap me with crisps and pizza and I would be all over that like the tazmanian devil Grin

Honestly OP this is really rude behaviour from her. I know PPs are saying don't make up lies but tbh when you're backed into a corner like that it's very different. IMO just say whatever you need to to get her off your case!