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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Skinny office feeder

578 replies

Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 08:10

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 21:13

HR & manager are supposed to be balanced & objective to both parties not just the cake eater who can’t say no. I’d really wonder about someone ability to manage situations & transferable skills if they can’t say no thanks!

I’m not going to go to HR. And if you knew anything about binge eating, you wouldn’t say it’s just a case of being unable to say ‘no thanks’. I can avoid stuff but I don’t deal well with it when people question that or comment on my food choices. I wish as a society we could change our attitudes to food a bit more.

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 02/08/2021 21:15

"However, the word "borderline" is a handy word. You are not saying you are, but that there is a higher risk of it."

Please please please don't do this. Please don't refer to yourself as borderline diabetic. As a T1 diabetic since aged 1, I find this incredibly offensive.

Please just grow a pair of bollocks and talk to her one day and ask her not to, because you don't like it.

Iwishiwereamillionaire · 02/08/2021 21:18

I’d never be brave enough but if she kept insisting after you’ve politely declined, I’d like to think I’d declare very loudly “ sorry no thanks the last cake gave me the shits for days so I’ll pass!” I’d imagine she won’t offer again Grin

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 21:24

I wish as a society we could change our attitudes to food a bit more

I agree with a lot of what you're saying, but it does feel a bit like you're wanting society to change attitude so that you don't have to change yours.

I know that you can't change an eating disorder (easily), but you can change your attitude to this situation and work it more in your favour, rather than feeling that it's her against you.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 02/08/2021 21:24

Please please please don't do this. Please don't refer to yourself as borderline diabetic. As a T1 diabetic since aged 1, I find this incredibly offensive.

Don’t use “personally offensive” to stop other people talking about their problems.
Yes you have it harder but knowing T2 is preventable and still ending up with it is difficult too.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 02/08/2021 21:26

It's your own decision whether to eat cake or not. I'm overweight, and when I'm in the office there is always something on the go. I always decline and it barely raises an eyebrow now.

I appreciate though that I'm not really the world's greatest lover of cake.

RandomMess · 02/08/2021 21:27

I'm shocked at how many posters refuse to see that the cake provider is actually being rude to consistently comment on those that decline a piece.

You take in cake/fruit/sweets/biscuits whatever to share with your team. It's left somewhere for every one to access and have some if they wish. You don't go around making a point of people needing to have some or making them uncomfortable if they decline it, how is that kind or nice or even ok.

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 21:32

@Oblomov21

"However, the word "borderline" is a handy word. You are not saying you are, but that there is a higher risk of it."

Please please please don't do this. Please don't refer to yourself as borderline diabetic. As a T1 diabetic since aged 1, I find this incredibly offensive.

Please just grow a pair of bollocks and talk to her one day and ask her not to, because you don't like it.

Why is it offensive to you? I fail to see how it's a comment on you or anybody else with the same diagnosis as you.

Also, what are people supposed to say when they don't quite have T2 but are heading that way?

Feetupteashot · 02/08/2021 21:38

I hated this I'm an office I worked in. Competitive cake bringing in and resisting, then weight watchers weigh in every Friday! In an open plan office, give me strength

RandomMess · 02/08/2021 21:39

"Pre-diabetic" is a recognised term? It means with healthier low carb eating you can usually prevent yourself developing diabetes.

ChargingBuck · 02/08/2021 21:44

@BobMortimersPetOwl

It's your own decision whether to eat cake or not. I'm overweight, and when I'm in the office there is always something on the go. I always decline and it barely raises an eyebrow now.

I appreciate though that I'm not really the world's greatest lover of cake.

FFS, the OP has an eating disorder. Wind your neck in.

I don't care for rum - so should I go on a thread made by an alcoholic, & post, in gleeful spite, that I always decline whisky?

Summerfun54321 · 02/08/2021 22:16

I worked with a slim girl who said “I treat myself on Saturdays”. She shut down the office treat offerings without offending anyone.

Trampolean · 02/08/2021 22:23

@Weallloveted there is a BED support line and they have tonnes of resources too, you might find it useful. There's also quite an active support network community on Instagram, its really useful to hear from others and what's worked for them, how they deal with triggers, and somewhere to chat if you're feeling down about it all. Overweight for as long as I can remember until last year, now a healthy weight and 8 months binge free which I never dreamed would happen. Still challenging a lot of the time and completely understand what you are saying about triggers.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/08/2021 22:36

It's your own decision whether to eat cake or not. I'm overweight, and when I'm in the office there is always something on the go. I always decline and it barely raises an eyebrow now

So completely different to the OP's situation is rudely ignored in favour of repeated public pressure to conform and eat cake?

Just a quick bit of virtue signalling?

Cadent · 02/08/2021 22:39

@Thewinterofdiscontent

Please please please don't do this. Please don't refer to yourself as borderline diabetic. As a T1 diabetic since aged 1, I find this incredibly offensive.

Don’t use “personally offensive” to stop other people talking about their problems.
Yes you have it harder but knowing T2 is preventable and still ending up with it is difficult too.

I agree @Thewinterofdiscontent the doctor tells my mum she is borderline diabetic, is she being offensive?"
Fros · 02/08/2021 22:41

It's absolutely reasonable to get HR involved if a pushy colleague won't take no for an answer. The initial offer isn't really a problem, it's the comments and badgering that follow

Cadent · 02/08/2021 22:45

HR and managers aren’t there to intervene when an adult can’t say no HR & manager are supposed to be balanced & objective to both parties not just the cake eater who can’t say no. I’d really wonder about someone ability to manage situations & transferable skills if they can’t say no thanks!

But this isn't refusal of cake for someone's birthday, this is happening in most/all of their meetings with this person. OP is saying no and then is being challenged for it. There is a line and this woman is crossing it.

MyrrAgain · 02/08/2021 23:11

I agree with you. These people have no idea. Would you offer alcohol and INSIST on it to someone who has had difficulty managing their alcohol intake? No. Would you push caffine and other drugs on people who don't use it? No. Would you make a vegetarian eat your meaty food or continually go on about it at a restaurant - well some do - but no. She can fuck off. And why should anyone be forced to eat a large piece of sugary fat anyway even if they are a healthy weight and never had any food issues?
Maintaining my weight is an on-going struggle. I don't need something forced on me that is 1/4 of my day's food intake that I don't even want.

MyrrAgain · 02/08/2021 23:13

Actually - tell her you're attempting a more vegan lifestyle due to the ethics of it - so you're gradually reducing animal products (of which i'm sure are stuffed into the cakes - butter - eggs - etc). So it's going against your new principles.
IF she comments on any non-vegan food you later eat, reiterate that it's a style you're attempting more of, not 100% committed to it yet because it's a new way of life, and starting with reducing unnecessary animal products e.g. snacks and 1/2 your meals a day to start with.

Happymum12345 · 02/08/2021 23:16

Say no & laugh off her comments when she says something like that.

EBearhug · 02/08/2021 23:21

Don't lie. Don't give her the chance to bring in gkuten-free or vegan cake or something made with stevie instead of sugar or something. Just say no without explanations and tell her to stop hassling you about it.

EBearhug · 02/08/2021 23:21

Stevia, not stevie.

RandomMess · 02/08/2021 23:30

I think I would say no thank you and visibly roll your eyes at any follow comment. Perhaps with another "No" and look her directly in the eyes.

Is she pushes again perhaps ask her why she is being rude?

Can you dig deep and be more assertive?

It's disappointing that your manager hasn't picked up on the dynamic or are they unaware that you are sensitive and feel obligated?

Another thing could be to accept some then not eat it at all, or have one bite and say you didn't like it. The next time you can say "no, I didn't enjoy it last time".

Decide on approach you feel comfortable with and execute it.

Is it possible this person has a hide of steel and utterly oblivious to how inappropriate she is being?

SylvanianFrenemies · 02/08/2021 23:40

"No thanks" ought to be enough.

If it really isnt "Oh there's no point keeping offering me cake. It's just not my thing and I don't want to end up being rude".

Musication · 03/08/2021 06:38

Sorry, but your 'skinny' colleague isn't responsible for your issues with controlling your sugar intake. She is allowed to offer cake around it is a normal thing to do. Also, slim people don't much like being called skinny.