Skinny office feeder

[Weallloveted]

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

Maybe just say that you're looking after yourself?

cakes, not caskets. that would be worrying

@FatJan

Ultimately you need to get help for your food addition (which sounds severe as you say you completely lost control if you have one piece of cake) as it is impacting your life and your relationships with others. You need to do this instead of trying to shift blame onto a woman who brings in casket to work. The problem doesn't lie with her in this case.

I’ve had CBT but it’s still very difficult. I might try something like overeaters anonymous. However, it’s hard to get help on the NHS unless you’re very overweight or underweight (and even then it’s hard). Binge eating is totally normalised in our society and by itself isn’t seen as particularly serious). There’s whole channels on YouTube devoted to extreme binge eating (mukbangs). The only thing I find helps is avoiding any trigger food which I’m actually quite good at doing but it makes it difficult when people push it. Maybe I should just be more open with people about my struggles but I feel very ashamed of it all.

People with food issues (particularly anorexia) love cooking for others and watching them eat. She is getting satisfaction from watching others eat whilst she controls her own intake. I have worked in an eating disorders ward and I have witnessed this time and time again

^This is what I meant

I feel very ashamed of it all

You shouldn't be and you also don't need to explain your issues to anyone. It's no one's business but your own

@FatJan

Ultimately you need to get help for your food addition (which sounds severe as you say you completely lost control if you have one piece of cake) as it is impacting your life and your relationships with others. You need to do this instead of trying to shift blame onto a woman who brings in casket to work. The problem doesn't lie with her in this case.

Also out of genuine interest, would you say this if I were addicted to nicotine or alcohol and someone wasn’t taking no for an answer when I said I didn’t want a drink or a fag? Or would you think the other person was at least somewhat to blame then? Because for me and many others, food addiction is as real as addiction to alcohol or drugs. I take ownership of my problem, I have realised that maybe she has a problem too but I still think any sort of ‘go on’ behaviour where someone has said no is out of order.

For those who regularly bake or take sweets to work, why don’t you just bring in enough for yourselves? And why is it almost exclusively high fat, high sugar food and not healthy stuff that is seen to be acceptable to share around? I just don’t get the whole needing others to eat sweets thing. Like if you fancy cake, buy a slice from the bakery. Don’t go and buy a huge Colin the Caterpillar cake as an ‘afternoon treat’ for everyone.

I’m guilty of this. I sometimes quite like baking if the mood takes me, but I don’t want to eat it due to my own weight issues so often take it into work. I don’t force anyone to do anything though, just usually leave it in the kitchen with a help yourself note and by the end of the day it’s all gone.

I could make healthier snacks. I’ve tried a few from the Davina book, but the results are mixed and some aren’t eaten. And being honest I’m just not sure that maple syrup is any better than good old sugar.

@mustlovegin

I feel very ashamed of it all

You shouldn't be and you also don't need to explain your issues to anyone. It's no one's business but your own

Thank you

Just say thanks but no thanks. If she pushes just say you don't want any. Just be stern it's your body not hers. Hate when people don't take no for an answer.

I don't think she has ever had a weight problem

Given how insistent and obsessed with cake you say she is, I think she actually may have a (possibly covert) weight problem

I know two people who have a serious obsession with cake.

One used to be obese and is now very healthy and slim. When she was obese she never ate cake but now she’ll have it every day.
The other is very slim, I’d say underweight size 4-6 around 5’7” and she will eat an entire cake everyday if you let her.
She doesn’t have any food issues but is just obsessed with cake although it must be more than good genetics to stay so slim so she probably has an underlining thyroid condition or something.

But there must be something about cake that triggers an obsession in people as I have heard it a few times.

When did it become a daily occurrence to take cake in anyway?

I remember being told about alcohol at work. That had changed by my era. I wish this junk food era would die a death too.

But there must be something about cake that triggers an obsession in people as I have heard it a few times

It hits the 'bliss point', which is the same proportions of fat and carbohydrate as breast milk. Therefore we are programmed to eat it and demand more and more and more without knowing limits.

All the big food manufacturers are onto this; check the labels on any of the addictive foods, sweet or savoury. Pretty much all of them have a 2:1 ratio of calories from carbohydrate:fat. It's not found anywhere in nature except breast milk. Adults are meant to have it!

That's why cake is so popular and always has been; this is the kind of bliss point you could make for yourself at home, before the big names took over. We also made it at home via things like cheese or butter on toast, baked potatoes with lots of cheese or butter, bread and dripping (in the olden days) etc. It's natural that we want it: our bodies want to be fat. It's just not natural that it's so available.

Yes and it shouldn't be available non stop in the workplace by people who won't let you say no.

It hits the 'bliss point', which is the same proportions of fat and carbohydrate as breast milk. Therefore we are programmed to eat it and demand more and more and more without knowing limits.

Wow I never knew that that’s so interesting!!

@toocold54

It's terrifying. We're a society of increasingly bouncing adult babies, being manipulated out of our health and money by this simple formula, along with other formulas like carefully designed special offers, and colourful shiny wrappers that mimic the colourful shininess of ripe fruit.

We are SO manipulated. Our biology is being taken advantage of. Our bodies want to be fat, for safety, security.

It's worth knowing. Check some food labels. 2:1 calories from carb:calories from fat. On nearly everything we love to eat, and can't stop, even though we know it's wrong.

I don't know anyone who is particular obsessed with cake, chocolate though plenty seem to crave it and always have some in the house. But then these foods are manufactured to be desirable and addictive, no wonder people keep going back for more.

@DillonPanthersTexas

lt's not OP;s job to fix it though, that's what managers and HR are for.

And I imagine most managers would roll their eyes and wonder why the supposed grown ups in their team can't say no to a slice of cake.

HR and managers aren’t there to intervene when an adult can’t say no HR & manager are supposed to be balanced & objective to both parties not just the cake eater who can’t say no. I’d really wonder about someone ability to manage situations & transferable skills if they can’t say no thanks!

I'm not sure it's exactly the same as nicotine:

"Go on, have a cigarette"

and

"Go on, have a piece of homemade cake"

aren't quite on the same level.

One is known to be cancerous and addictive, the other isn't harmful for the vast majority of people (diabetics, severe binge eaters etc excluded).

If you are in the group who is at risk of severe harm from cake, then you are responsible for your actions. You can say no and keep saying no and fend off the awkwardness (this is a social issue not directly related to binge eating) or tell her you can't have any for health reasons.

I think it's complicated by you accepting the cake sometimes and not others. For this reason I'd avoid saying anything like diabetes etc. that some have suggested. Go straight to the no thank you and deal with the awkwardness.

This woman isn't a drug pusher, although that's how you seem to see her.

I'd have to hear EXACTLY what she says when you refuse cake to see if she really is the militant cake pusher as described, but as it stands, my overwhelming impression is that you struggle to say no and want this woman to stop bringing cake in because of your binge eating, which isn't fair to either her or the rest of the team, who must be eating the cake for her to continue to make it.

One is known to be cancerous and addictive, the other isn't harmful for the vast majority of people (diabetics, severe binge eaters etc excluded).

Alcohol isn't a problem for most people. Is it ok to push that on someone who has said "no"?

The OP says "no", cake woman doesn't accept that. Whether or not you approve of the words she uses is irrelevant - she isn't taking "no" for an answer and she should be.

A size 8 is not close to medically underweight, wtf?

@FatJan

Ultimately you need to get help for your food addition (which sounds severe as you say you completely lost control if you have one piece of cake) as it is impacting your life and your relationships with others. You need to do this instead of trying to shift blame onto a woman who brings in casket to work. The problem doesn't lie with her in this case.

I haven't seen OP shift any blame - she's been totally open about her issue with food, & it's entirely normal to get pissed off when someone refuses to take "no" for an answer.

The Feeder sounds like a royal pain in the arse. That's got nothing to do with however OP manages her issue, & everything to do with being a mannerless control freak.

It's really not normal, let alone professional, to insist on bringing cake into every work meeting, & declaring that "no meeting can be complete without cake". She's an attention-seeking pillock, & there's nothing wrong with OP for feeling irritated & undermined by her ridiculous behaviour.

This woman isn't a drug pusher, she's a boundary pusher.

Why make an excuse. Just say no thanks I prefer healthy snacks, but you guys dig in

@riromay

A size 8 is not close to medically underweight, wtf?

Oh fgs, I said 6-8 and she’s tall. Trust me, she’s really very very slender. Anyway I only mentioned it because lots of people seem to think that feeders are overweight themselves and want others to be bigger too. I wanted to make the point that this woman does not fall into that category and is able to maintain a low weight while eating cake (which I can’t). That was all. No shade on her for her size. People can be what size they want.

One is known to be cancerous and addictive, the other isn't harmful for the vast majority of people (diabetics, severe binge eaters etc excluded).

Not quite. Obesity is a major public health crisis. Over a third of adults are obese and there are people having their limbs amputated or having heart attacks due to food. Read about the research that says junk food can alter the brain structure. It can be just as harmful as fags and booze.