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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Skinny office feeder

578 replies

Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 08:10

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 15:08

I have never pushed people to eat anything but I’ve had it happen to me many times. Just because a lot of people do it doesn’t make it okay. You’d hope that your people wouldn’t be similarly tolerant of someone pushing someone giving up smoking to just have one ciggie or an alcoholic to have just one pint (although I know this exists). It seems that those on diets are fair game to be ridiculed though and pushed to break their plans (and no I don’t like those skinny v curvy memes either but honestly being called skinny isn’t half as derogatory as being called fat). Fine, maybe I should have said that she is very slender (size 6-8 and about 5’7”) rather than skinny if it offends people. As you can hopefully tell by my posts though I am not a fat positive activist, although ironically my slender colleague IS (despite her own size). I am not saying she looks bad (far from it). All I want is for her to stop pushing sweet treats on me and make comments when I say no.
Being overweight can have as dire health complications as smoking and drinking. My uncle who is obese has had triple bypass surgery which is weight related and has type 2 diabetes. I just wish it wasn’t normalised to try to pressure others to eat foods that aren’t good for them. Each to their own but keep the cakes to yourself and spare a thought for those of us who struggle.

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 02/08/2021 15:10

@ShitPoetryClub

I work in a physio dept with super fit, health conscious twenty somethings. It's all matcha tea! Knowing they wouldn't want cake, I brought in fruit when it was my birthday Wink Nope that didn't work at all, they were all "Good God, do you know how much sugar is in a grape" Grin Just tell her you aren't having any cake and mean it.
Should have given the OTs cake, they eat anything and are grateful
Cadent · 02/08/2021 15:12

She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake.

*I do refuse most of the time. It's just the comments I get when I do."

I actually think this is a case for HR. I know of two colleagues who are currently affected by eating disorders and I think cakes in all/most meetings would be really difficult for them.

Fine to have cake/chocs whatever on a desk in the office, but what she is doing in unreeasonable.

I would speak to her manager or HR.

EspressoDoubleShot · 02/08/2021 15:13

Surely HR and manager would ask op what has she done rather than immediately escalate?

ShitPoetryClub · 02/08/2021 15:14

EspressoDoubleShot
GrinGrin
I am an OT!

iwanttobeonleave · 02/08/2021 15:15

"Not for me thanks" smile and move straight along.

I've worked with similar and I swear the one I worked with revelled in others weight problems, it was a power thing, I think.

EspressoDoubleShot · 02/08/2021 15:15

All OT I have worked with wouldn’t decline a cake, they’d eat with gusto and be good company too

MaMelon · 02/08/2021 15:24

I work for the NHS too - no cake ever goes uneaten.

Fruit yes - but not cake (or indeed any other form of sugary baked goods)

Gemma2019 · 02/08/2021 15:26

I have noticed that there is one woman at work who will take the cake if really pushed to have a piece and say thanks I’ll eat it with lunch, and then throws the cake discreetly in the bin.

Cadent · 02/08/2021 15:27

@EspressoDoubleShot

Surely HR and manager would ask op what has she done rather than immediately escalate?
It's not OP;s job to fix it though, that's what managers and HR are for.
Cadent · 02/08/2021 15:28

@Gemma2019

I have noticed that there is one woman at work who will take the cake if really pushed to have a piece and say thanks I’ll eat it with lunch, and then throws the cake discreetly in the bin.
But that's not a solution, it's just appeasing someone in a toxic environment.
toocold54 · 02/08/2021 15:30

All OT I have worked with wouldn’t decline a cake, they’d eat with gusto and be good company too

What is an OT?

QueeniesCroft · 02/08/2021 15:32

@ShitPoetryClub

I work in a physio dept with super fit, health conscious twenty somethings. It's all matcha tea! Knowing they wouldn't want cake, I brought in fruit when it was my birthday Wink Nope that didn't work at all, they were all "Good God, do you know how much sugar is in a grape" Grin Just tell her you aren't having any cake and mean it.
I swear I've seen that kind of comment on here (about the grape). Mentioning weight on Mn is a bit like feeding a Gremlin after midnight!
DillonPanthersTexas · 02/08/2021 15:35

lt's not OP;s job to fix it though, that's what managers and HR are for.

And I imagine most managers would roll their eyes and wonder why the supposed grown ups in their team can't say no to a slice of cake.

catmothertes1 · 02/08/2021 15:40

I could have written your post word for word. I feel your pain.

Original poster
Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 15:40

I think those who have suggested that I have a quiet word with her are probably right. Hopefully that will make her stop. I am on annual leave at the moment but when I get back I will bite the bullet and hopefully she will stop.

I just can’t think what’s in it for her to ‘fatten me up’ so hopefully it’s just her being oblivious. I already weigh a good 2 or 3 stone more than her when I’m at 24.8 BMI so it can hardly be any sense of threat in that regard. My heaviest point was during the initial lockdown when the office was shut (although half of it had probably gone on before that) and she’s not seen me at my very heaviest ‘in the flesh’ and maybe doesn’t realise how bad it was and how my weight can spiral when I lose control. I was over 14 stone at my heaviest and struggled to walk up a flight of stairs. I lost 3 stone before returning to the office earlier this year and was definitely slimmer than before but not quite as dramatic in the eyes of my colleagues (nobody mentioned anything so I assume they didn’t notice it).

OP posts:
Grapewrath · 02/08/2021 15:41

Christ some of the comments on here- HR over someone bringing in cake etc. Unbelievable.
Op. Cake lady is probably trying to be nice as lots of people like to be persuaded to indulge as in ‘ooh go on then’. Maybe take her to one side and explain that refusing air is hard so could she maybe not offer as you are really concentrating on your health issues.
Some people are feeders because that’s how they were brought up so see it as a love language. Or they just think they’re doing something nice. Not everyone who likes to bake or offer cake has an eating disorder it is a spiteful diet saboteur.
Some people can eat cake and enjoy it without it having consequences and I don’t think you can hold them responsible for your own

Original poster
Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 15:43

@catmothertes1

I could have written your post word for word. I feel your pain.
Thank you Flowers
OP posts:
quizqueen · 02/08/2021 15:59

Tell her that life is not too short to eat mountains of cake when you are her size but, in your case, it's a recipe for disaster and you don't appreciate her insistence that everyone has to eat them. If people said what they really mean to people instead of pussyfooting around and being so meek then they won't get taken advantage of so often.

mustlovegin · 02/08/2021 16:18

Tell your colleague to sod off OP (politely, obviously). It's none of her business whether you eat the cake or not

I don't think she has ever had a weight problem

Given how insistent and obsessed with cake you say she is, I think she actually may have a (possibly covert) weight problem

ElizaDoolots · 02/08/2021 16:30

lt's not OP;s job to fix it though, that's what managers and HR are for

I’m HR and I would not be amused at someone bringing this issue to my team. As if we don’t have better things to do than get involved in drama over a cake!

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 16:36

It's not about you, OP. Let her have her irritating cake behaviour if you don't feel like talking to her about it. All you have to manage is what goes in your mouth. Nobody else's strangeness can change that.

FunTimes2020 · 02/08/2021 16:38

@OneTC

Grow a spine?
And you can have a saucer of milk Hmm
IsThePopeCatholic · 02/08/2021 16:47

People with food issues (particularly anorexia) love cooking for others and watching them eat. She is getting satisfaction from watching others eat whilst she controls her own intake. I have worked in an eating disorders ward and I have witnessed this time and time again.

It’s classic.

FatJan · 02/08/2021 16:48

Ultimately you need to get help for your food addition (which sounds severe as you say you completely lost control if you have one piece of cake) as it is impacting your life and your relationships with others. You need to do this instead of trying to shift blame onto a woman who brings in casket to work. The problem doesn't lie with her in this case.