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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Skinny office feeder

578 replies

Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 08:10

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

OP posts:
5128gap · 02/08/2021 14:05

Poor woman. 13 pages of analysis of her diet and psychology for the crime of sharing cake while slim. It's really quite common for people to try to talk other people into treats, cake, drinks etc and is generally about not wanting someone to miss out. The people who don't want them just refuse. Job done.

Baileyscheesecake · 02/08/2021 14:05

Try replying “Life’s too short to be forced to eat things I don’t want to eat.” I totally understand your problem - I have a similar problem with cravings and it’s a constant life long battle. Don’t give in to her bullying and selfish attitude. Maybe try saying to her “Live and let live - you want cake and I don’t. It would be a boring world if we were all the same” Good luck and well done on staying within your BMI - that’s a real achievement from being obese. Don’t let her ruin what you’ve worked so hard to achieve. Flowers

CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2021 14:05

I was skinny in my 20s. It was purely a matter of luck, didn't work at it at all. These days I'm a couple of stone heavier and work hard to keep from getting heavier.

Asparaguspatchkid · 02/08/2021 14:08

I just say "No thanks, I don't really like cake, but you enjoy it!" which very luckily for me is true (though can't say the same for cheese...) Everyone thinks it's weird, but don't question it. I think not liking something that you've obviously tried before leaves it less open to questioning.

Has she seen you eat cake recently? If so, could just say you've gone off it and all the sugar makes your teeth hurt these days.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 14:09

@DillonPanthersTexas

'skinnies' or just people who had a healthy weight?

Quite, it's rather telling the language being used here.

especially that with MN, "skinny" probably means a size 12 anyway!
CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2021 14:11

especially that with MN, "skinny" probably means a size 12 anyway!

Mee-ow!

Fros · 02/08/2021 14:29

Couple of options/suggestions
Most people have put on lockdown lbs and the government is encouraging that we all eat healthier - will your workplace be willing to push this and ban shared cakes and confectionery (and maybe offer fruit in meetings instead)?

If she's otherwise a reasonable person, explain one on one that while you don't want to upset her, you are finding the persist nagging to eat detrimental to your health especially in front of others (then send her a follow-up email thanking her for her understanding - if you have to go through any kind of grievance/hr route you've got it documented)

If she's not that reasonable, or she's already ignoring a direct request to cease pestering you, refuse politely the first time, but then state "no means no" in a loud flat tone, and immediately turn away and make conversation with someone else on a different topic.

I had an issue where polite "no thanks" were being ignored or just avoided altogether - I'd find a piece of (shitty value supermarket) cake already waiting when I arrived for my shift, or one magically appearing at my elbow with the feeder quickly moving halfway across the room looking pointedly away. A quite loud and mildly exasperated "Anyone else want me to bin the unwanted food that's been dumped on their workstation when I take this?" (food bins in the kitchenette) worked where a hundred polite refusals had failed.

Toomuchtodoo · 02/08/2021 14:31

Smile and say
No thanks, I've decided to cut out crap from my diet.

inpixiehollow · 02/08/2021 14:35

"Thanks but not today"
"Oh go on you can treat yourself!"
smile "maybe next time*
Rinse and repeat.

Toomuchtodoo · 02/08/2021 14:38

@DillonPanthersTexas

'skinnies' or just people who had a healthy weight?

Quite, it's rather telling the language being used here.

I kind of agree with this. There seems to be a trend whereby people who are slim are belittled andcalled skinny. Is it jealousy?Shock I had a FB friend put up a post of two women. One was slim, the other was plus size.

The caption underneath was
'Share if you agree that women look great whether skinny or curvy'
So , a derogatory name for one and positive name for the other.
Obviously written by someone who is seriously overweight.
I did not share.

RhonaRed · 02/08/2021 14:38

Nowdays I'd say: thanks but I don't eat sugar.

ChargingBuck · 02/08/2021 14:39

@PalmsandCharms

Can't believe people are making cake woman out to be the devil or that she has an eating disorder. Plenty of people push cake/food on people, whatever their size. It's bloody human nature and we've all done it. Just grow a pair OP and say no ffs.
"We've all done it" ??? Have we? How would you know?

Unlike you Palms, I don't speak for everyone on this thread, but I haven't, & I'll bet there are plenty more than don't have a problem with hearing another person's "no thanks".

It's weird & intrusive to keep pushing.

ChittyChittyBangBangChicken · 02/08/2021 14:39

I haven't read this whole thread, but I have to say, even if it's been said a hundred times already, that you don't have to be overweight to have type 2 diabetes or be pre-diabetic.

Aside from that, I'd just tell her you stick to a strict diet/don't want any cake and stick to it. If she makes things awkward, that's on her, and surely she'll tire of asking, eventually, if you always refuse.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/08/2021 14:40

I don’t get why people can’t eat and drink what they want without insisting that others do the same

Because they are rude fuckers and know people will suck up their appalling manners.

Honestly OP - the best advice anyone can give you is to practice asserting yourself. Easier said than done but practice a couple of options for what you want to say next time it happens, then use them to tell her to stop doing it - just like most men would do.

It won't change as long as you are more worried about being nice than stopping her behaviour.

RhonaRed · 02/08/2021 14:41

I agree that the time for tolerance of this chivvying behaviour around food is over.

I am on the verge of saying Thanks but I'm I choosing not to eat rubbish.😂

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/08/2021 14:45

I haven't read this whole thread, but I have to say, even if it's been said a hundred times already, that you don't have to be overweight to have type 2 diabetes or be pre-diabetic.

Technically, I suppose everybody could potentially be described as pre-diabetic, unless they already have diabetes. In the same way that I'm sitting here writing this, even though I am actually pre-dead. Diabetes occurs when your pancreas is not working properly, or has failed completely - and all of us will eventually have a pancreas that doesn't work any more....

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 14:46

Seconded, @ChargingBuck.

@PalmsandCharms We haven't all done it. Some of us respect from the off when someone says no thanks. Pushing people to eat cake isn't human nature. It might be yours, but speak for yourself.

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 14:46

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I haven't read this whole thread, but I have to say, even if it's been said a hundred times already, that you don't have to be overweight to have type 2 diabetes or be pre-diabetic.

Technically, I suppose everybody could potentially be described as pre-diabetic, unless they already have diabetes. In the same way that I'm sitting here writing this, even though I am actually pre-dead. Diabetes occurs when your pancreas is not working properly, or has failed completely - and all of us will eventually have a pancreas that doesn't work any more....

Pre-dead Grin Grin
toocold54 · 02/08/2021 14:51

Can't believe people are making cake woman out to be the devil or that she has an eating disorder. Plenty of people push cake/food on people, whatever their size. It's bloody human nature and we've all done it. Just grow a pair OP and say no ffs.

I don’t believe for one second the women is the devil or has any other intentions other than good ones. In a lot of families and cultures food is love and they want to share that with you and their way of doing it is by cooking.

Whilst sugary cakes aren’t necessarily good for your waistline I do think home baking/cooking is good for your soul and she is probably someone who thinks who cares about weight when it makes you feel so good - but its also frustrating when someone doesn’t put weight on easily/has an eating disorder doesn’t realise that that one slice of cake can cause a lot of damage. It’s lovely to offer but get the hint when someone says no.

AngryWhompingWillow · 02/08/2021 14:54

YANBU @Weallloveted

I am speaking from my own experience here, but I have always found that people try to push food (high sugar/high fat) food on me a LOT more when I am on a diet, and trying to lose weight.

I have several people in my life who try to sabotage it. I don't think they are doing it to be malicious or nasty, but deep down they don't want me to lose weight. (I am not very overweight, and need to lose approximately 2 stone, but I do need to lose some weight.)

I am currently trying hard to lose weight (on intermittent fasting,) as my weight stalled about a month ago, after losing 12 pounds in the first 6 months of the year.

I keep getting 'go on have a chocolate cookie it won't hurt you,' and similar statements thrown at me, and someone who keeps deliberately buying me crisps and a mars bar and the like when they go out. I am on a DIET, but they still do it. Not feeders, but diet-derailers. It really pisses me off

AngryWhompingWillow · 02/08/2021 14:54

@PalmsandCharms

Can't believe people are making cake woman out to be the devil or that she has an eating disorder. Plenty of people push cake/food on people, whatever their size. It's bloody human nature and we've all done it. Just grow a pair OP and say no ffs.

@ChargingBuck

"We've all done it" ??? Have we? How would you know?

Unlike you Palms, I don't speak for everyone on this thread, but I haven't, & I'll bet there are plenty more than don't have a problem with hearing another person's "no thanks".

It's weird & intrusive to keep pushing.

Agree with you chargingbuck It's very presumptuous to assume everyone is a pushy fucker. I don't push high fat crap on people who clearly don't want it. Only the most obnoxious of people do that shit, along with telling you how 'silly' you are for saying no. Like you don't know your own fucking mind! Hmm

middleeasternpromise · 02/08/2021 15:01

This could be a boundary issue for you OP - you setting boundaries with your colleague, who may mean very well or may indeed have her own issues that she's not quite aware of.

I would match her comment for comment in good humor initially - so in response to 'life's to short' I would say 'life will be short if I eat cake like that' ..... laugh laugh laugh

If she ups the pressure - you can then see you are dealing with someone who is pushing other peoples boundaries and may need a bit of feedback about how that isn't appropriate. I would switch tone and give good eye contact, then I would say - 'you know, none of us can know what another person's relationship with food is really like - I therefore think its important to respect each others boundaries. Sharing food can be a great connector but not if we don't respect each others wishes. Then it can actually do the reverse. I am sure that was not what is intended here. Your cake looks lovely but I wont be taking a piece, I do really appreciate the offer. kind, warm smile whilst holding firm eye contact.

uggmum · 02/08/2021 15:02

I had a woman in my team who did this.

She literally bought a cake in every day. Would insist that everyone had some but never had any herself.

In the end I told her that for health reasons I had cut out all refined sugar from my diet. After a while she stopped asking me if I wanted any.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/08/2021 15:05

In a lot of families and cultures food is love and they want to share that with you and their way of doing it is by cooking

And we manage to do that by thought and care in food and offering good hospitality which precludes rudely refusing to consider the feelings of guests/colleagues.

ShitPoetryClub · 02/08/2021 15:07

I work in a physio dept with super fit, health conscious twenty somethings. It's all matcha tea!
Knowing they wouldn't want cake, I brought in fruit when it was my birthday Wink
Nope that didn't work at all, they were all "Good God, do you know how much sugar is in a grape"
Grin
Just tell her you aren't having any cake and mean it.