Skinny office feeder

[Weallloveted]

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

Absolutely no need to be so rude. Listen to yourself. Vile

A bit of an overreaction? I don't get it either. All you have to say is no. It's not that difficult.

Hi all, thanks for the many replies. I haven’t been able to check the thread for a couple of hours.
For those worried that I would lie about being diabetic - don’t worry, I don’t actually intend to do this. I just thought that it would be easier to have some sort of universally accepted excuse but i can see now that it’s not for me to make excuses.

Also, just to make it clear, I do refuse the cake most of the time. It’s just the comments I get when I do. Yes, deep down i know it’s not for me to make the excuses. She shouldn’t make a big deal of it. And it’s really not me imagining it. She’s a big fan of post positivity and that stuff (despite being very slender herself).

To the person who thought it was rude to say the stuff about not looking like I strictly control my food intake, I didn’t mean to cause offence. I’m not saying big people have no self-control. Maybe I should have said restricted rather than controlled.

Whatever she is up to, she is trying to yield some kind of "power".

Its a sodding cake in an office meeting, not a cold was summit slight of hand.

I love how this women has been built up on this thread to be some evil skinny Machiavellian character ensuring her workplace alpha status via the medium of home baking.

Tell her you find sugar addictive and you're trying hard to have much less of it. If she insists after that, laugh and say "would you offer an alcoholic just a little glass of champagne?"

Might make the point

That’s such a convoluted and staged response. Sure to create tension

I don't think its a good idea to give a reason after you've said no. You can pull her up for not accepting the first 'no'; you don't need to make up a scenario to teach her a lesson.

@Lsquiggles

Just decline. What do you think will happen if you say no? It's embarrassing for her not you!

I do say no! I thought that was clear in my OP. It’s just that it’s not accepted and is met with coaxing to treat myself. The vast majority of the time I don’t have any cake but the coaxing still happens and it’s hard to be faced with trigger foods on a regular basis (kinda like an alcoholic having to work behind a bar I guess).

I think anybody who is going to respect your reasons would also respect your initial 'No', so there's little point in saying much except to make it clear that you do not want cake.

I guess another point I was hoping to make with my thread is that food can be such an issue for many people. If you feel tempted to encourage others to eat something (even if with good intentions), just don’t. Don’t comment on what they eat, what they have made for lunch and don’t push if they say no thanks. You have no idea what they are dealing with.

To be fair, it’s similar with alcohol. I don’t drink either (I don’t like the taste or the effect) and the amount of people who take it as a personal insult is phenomenal. I don’t get why people can’t eat and drink what they want without insisting that others do the same.

@ZaraW good for you - there’s a way that it can be worded that doesn’t require such a rude and arrogant response. It’s just called being a decent human being

I suppose you could just say yes and take it, if she insists, and then just put it back with the rest of the cake straight away. If she sees you do it, it'll make her words totally meaningless, which will be fair, because she will have already taken the meaning out of your 'No'.

Make sure you stick a mint or some gum in your mouth as she approaches, so that you've got a safe few minutes where you can hold the cake but not eat it!

I feel your pain, I have low willpower and I'd cave quite quickly to this, I can understand that having an "excuse" then stops you from being tempted too! Yes I'd just explain that that you have to be careful with what you eat and it looks lovely but not for you.

I bet she wouldn't dream of inflicting this sort of pressure on a male colleague

Of course she wouldn't. Men get heard when they say no.

I don't know why some posters are claiming that it can't be a power play because it's 'just' cake - some women absolutely do try to exert control over others through food!

I can't explain what kick they get out of it, but that's the only possible reason someone would spend their time, money and effort on constant baking and then trying to make people eat what they've made.

I would hate this. Eating habits are such a personal thing, and whilst I'm slim I have to watch what I eat to remain so. Plus, I've been known to suffer from severe IBS and at those times I have to be really careful about what I'm eating, so I don't really want to go into details with people in the office about my bowels just because I refuse a cookie! I think it's overstepping the mark to try to force people to eat something when they don't want to. Can you just say you eat Keto? Lots of people do nowadays. Just say it's what works for you and you like eating that way and to eat a load of sugar would ruin your diet.

I don’t get why people can’t eat and drink what they want without insisting that others do the same.

I agree. I sometimes made cake for my birthday or work anniversary and took it in. I told people it was available. If someone didn't want any, that's fine. I did let people know whether it was vegan (usually not) or gluten free or whatever if they asked, so they could make an informed choice, but that's all. I expect colleagues to manage their own medical and religious dietary requirements and personal preferences. They can tell me about it if they want, but if they would rather keep it to themselves, that's fine, too. It's accepted that you can say, "no thanks, but happy birthday."

Although I would have banned the man who used to say, "oooh, lovely," and then smacked his lips loudly. Stabbing him would have been a kindness to everyone.

Don’t make up a food related health condition. My daughter has a real and serious one that people make up. Then they ditch said health condition at restaurants, allow cross contamination etc. It is really hard for her as it makes people think she is fussy and she isn’t.

I bet she wouldn't dream of inflicting this sort of pressure on a male colleague

Of course she wouldn't. Men get heard when they say no.

Women too, but (most) men are not afraid to say NO or care that someone a bit precious might be offended because they don't fancy a slice of cake. I am female, and I am heard perfectly well when I say no.

I also don't buy the crap about women having sweet tooth but men not.

As for the questions about whether she eats it herself, yes I think so although I don’t know what else she eats of course. She certainly never has more than once piece as far as I remember. It’s a good point about her maybe having eating issues or that she’s had them in the past. I’m fine with people eating whatever they like. I just don’t like the way that cakes and sweets are almost fetishised by some people, whatever their motivations are.

For those who regularly bake or take sweets to work, why don’t you just bring in enough for yourselves? And why is it almost exclusively high fat, high sugar food and not healthy stuff that is seen to be acceptable to share around? I just don’t get the whole needing others to eat sweets thing. Like if you fancy cake, buy a slice from the bakery. Don’t go and buy a huge Colin the Caterpillar cake as an ‘afternoon treat’ for everyone.

I do realise that my food issues are my problem but it’s hard to work in that sort of environment. I’m glad I’m not the only one from the replies.

I was friends with someone like this, seemed to be able to eat anything and never gain weight. We lived together for while and I realised that her vomiting 10x a day was the reason why!

Anyway, I don't like cake or biscuits and I also get the pressure to join in and try to force something down to be part of the group. Its annoying and unpleasant. I just say don't like cake now, eventually everyone gets the message.

I have on occasion taken in food for colleagues, we all do
Food is sociable & convivial that’s why it’s shared and offered. It’s a norm in all cultures to offer and share food. It’s a deep and bonding experience
Now of course people can decline and should if they want to. However don’t presume to limit sharing of food because you find it uncomfortable and struggle to say no. Not everyone experiences food as something to be battled, or rejected. It’s ok to share and it’s ok to take enough for a group, offer the food and leave it up to the individual to chose

@ZaraW

Absolutely no need to be so rude. Listen to yourself. Vile

A bit of an overreaction? I don't get it either. All you have to say is no. It's not that difficult.

She does say no - it's right there in the OP

The problem is the co-worker refusing to take no for an answer

@EspressoDoubleShot

I have on occasion taken in food for colleagues, we all do Food is sociable & convivial that’s why it’s shared and offered. It’s a norm in all cultures to offer and share food. It’s a deep and bonding experience Now of course people can decline and should if they want to. However don’t presume to limit sharing of food because you find it uncomfortable and struggle to say no. Not everyone experiences food as something to be battled, or rejected. It’s ok to share and it’s ok to take enough for a group, offer the food and leave it up to the individual to chose

I think that if the co-worker took no for an answer there would be no problem - people don't want to be cajoled and guilt-tripped when they've said no

I just don’t like the way that cakes and sweets are almost fetishised by some people, whatever their motivations are.

For those who regularly bake or take sweets to work, why don’t you just bring in enough for yourselves? And why is it almost exclusively high fat, high sugar food and not healthy stuff that is seen to be acceptable to share around? I just don’t get the whole needing others to eat sweets thing.
Completely agree with this and I actually hate this aspect of working in an office. I don't buy cakes and biscuits in for myself at home, but when they're constantly being offered at work it's difficult to avoid the temptation. Birthdays it's fine, but every day is too much.

She certainly never has more than once piece as far as I remember.

like most people basically!

Blaming others because some of you have weird food issues is very childish. Most people would find it rude to take more than one piece of cake in a communal setting anyway, even if they did want one.

I get fed up with people poking sugar at me. I have trouble stopping once I start stuffing sugar in my gob. The people I have known over the years who do this usually have an issue with food themselves. I wish they would not try to manage it by feeding everyone else.