Skinny office feeder

[Weallloveted]

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

Even on the odd occasion someone thought it appropriate to bring biscuits into a meeting they would just be put in the middle for people to help themselves or not as they wished. No pushing involved. It’s really very odd to bring cake into a meeting and make a big show of serving everyone.

I don't see any difference between this and trying to force a drink on someone who said 'no thanks'. Its awful.

And yet someone repeatedly pushing food in a work meeting is what this thread is about. Go figure.

technically the thread is about offering cake and the very puzzling inability of some people to just say.. no, thanks. No one is pushing anything.

Bloody hell, we try to teach our kids to say no to drugs and other unpleasantness, but some grown-up working adults can't even decline a slice of cake?! What kind of example to your kids is that. It's disturbing to make such an issue.

You should show the thread to management, and explain that cakes is wasting so much time and energy for the staff, it would be easier to ban them!

If she's insulted by you not eating the random food that she offers you then that's her issue.

Don't take it personally. Just keep politely declining. If others enjoy it then leave them to it.

I also find there is little in the office environment that can't be solved by just politely taking the person to one side and having a quiet word.

Just tell her how it makes you feel and why you don't want any, and ask her to please stop insisting because you find it difficult.

If she still persists after that then she would be a very unpleasant person and you'd have to get firmer about it, but I expect the above would sort it.

She probably doesn't even realise what she's doing is upsetting you.

God I don’t miss office culture.

I worked in male dominated offices and it was like a competitive eating challenge with McDonald’s, KFC, Greggs, breakfasts, kebabs ordered 3/5 times a week and if you didn’t partake and get at least a large meal and two sides you were seen as a pariah.

Then I’ve worked in female dominated offices and it’s a constant under-eating competition. Endless slimming world debates/half a sandwich/judging other’s lunches/commenting if you ever went to the butty van.

I worked in a tiny digital room where it was me and a handful of others and it was the only time I ever escaped the drama. If someone went to the shop and brought back a packet of biscuits you could eat them or not. It wasn’t an issue.

technically the thread is about offering cake and the very puzzling inability of some people to just say.. no, thanks. No one is pushing anything.

In the OP's words:

My issue is with a woman I work with. ... She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake.

She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward.

Thanks. I need to be brave. It's just that it happens so frequently. I do say no nearly every time but it always comes with some form of comment about how I am depriving myself.

The Op is declining, and declining, and declining, and occasionally giving in unhappily to the pressure and then feeling awful.

“ as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to.”

This is such a rude thing to say. Do you think every bigger person dosnt control them selves

No-one is forcing you to put cake in your mouth.

I would love to be a fly on the wall. Is she really making people feel awkward if they say no (which is possible, but a bit weird), or are you just not able to say no and mean it (in which case she's picking up on the fact you really do want cake and just need extra permission, which she thinks she's giving).

OP, I am this person.

Please just speak to her privately and explain you're not into eating cake, you'd appreciate her not offering it to you/not making a scene if you decline or don't have any.
One of my colleagues has done this and I was mortified that I'd made her feel so uncomfortable

she's picking up on the fact you really do want cake and just need extra permission

Oh yuk, no one picks up on that. Some people try to say no 'nicely', or feel embarassed that they keep being put into the same situation.

Bringing in cake to offer round in the office is one thing, but bringing cake in to a meeting is not OK unless prearranged. I would speak to your manager and ask if they can ask her not to bring food to meetings as you then have to sit and watch people eat it, get nagged to have some yourself etc.

There's no need to be polite

I agree. You have said know, she is pushing the cake on you. Simply say, preferably loudly

"I'm watching my weight and frankly its really undermining to have you pushing cake eating at every meeting".

Don't lie, don't make excuses. You are very unlikely to be the only person in the room made uncomfortable by having endless cake pushed upon them.

No She’s not a feeder,no need to pathologise it. you need to politely & firmly decline
If it’s hard to Decline take a prop,eg water bottle.say I’m fine with this thanks.
No lies about health conditions or diets, just a polite firm no. You don’t need a convoluted reason or to lie. Just decline. Give yourself permission to just say no

Just clearly say when offered that this amount of refined carbohydrate plays havoc with your blood glucose and you are making healthy choices,

"No, thank you. It doesn't look very appetising."

Noo don't apologise, don't explain 'no thank you it looks lovely but I don't want any, so kind of you to offer'. Broken record. If she runs out the 'life's too short' line just say 'absolutely'. 'are you dieting' 'no' and look quizzical. You absolutely don't need to make an excuse or say that you don't like cake. I might raise an eyebrow and say 'I promise you that I will have it just as soon as I feel like it, you don't need to be on my case, I assure you'.
She's getting some gratification from making and pushing it. At best she is seeking approval and trying to feel worthy, and its nothing to do with actual food, at worst sad to say she may have some very unhealthy eating disordered behaviours herself in the present or the past and be restricting or purging, often hidden by public eating. Either way, not your problem.

Just decline. What do you think will happen if you say no? It's embarrassing for her not you!

Please don’t lie about being diabetic. In an emergency situation, that information being passed on would recalibrate the priority of care and how decisions are made, potentially putting others at enhanced risk

Have you privately told her how you feel, and asked her to let it go with you a bit in a polite, kind way? Does she eat the cake herself at the same quantity in these meetings? I just ask as my ED manifested itself a bit like this: partly to be ‘look, I can be around cake and bake cake!’ and partly to derive some satisfaction from other people eating, when doing so myself was impossible.

Have you privately told her how you feel, and asked her to let it go with you a bit in a polite, kind way?

Honestly to hell with pussyfooting around the person who is the problem.

Women are so conditioned to "be kind" and keep everyone happy that too often we tie ourselves in knots. The cake pain has been told "no" and won't let it go. After that variations on "FOAD" are entirely reasonable.

There’s no need to be rude in this situation. Just say “no thank you” and move on. Don’t engage with her if she tries to pressure you. She’ll soon stop.

She is being rude but to stick up for her a little—I have big issues with food. I love to bake but I don’t want to eat it. So tbh if I worked in an office environment I would be the person bringing the huge cake every day and offering it round. I can see what she is (possibly) doing. However, I would never pressurise people to eat what I brought.

Just say no. It's not that difficult. The cake giver will look a right twat if she keeps on begging you to take a piece.

@OneTC

Grow a spine?

Absolutely no need to be so rude. Listen to yourself. Vile

I am the same as you, have lost weight and really have to work to keep it at a normal level. If I ate carrot cake at a meeting it would give me a taste for it and I would struggle to stop there.

I normally say thanks very much but I don’t like cake and don’t have a sweet tooth.

God, I don't miss the office cakes, the office biscuits and the other office offerings...including the office slow cooker

I am overweight, spent my life Yo -Yo ing and probably from the outside have a weird relationship with food as in I don't really like people to see me digging in !
Don't mention you are on a diet as that will set you up for observation whenever she sees you eat anything remotely 'naughty' she will comment.
I don't want to eat anything home made which I am unsure of how it was prepared that is my choice.
No Thank you , No Thank you and repeat No thank you is all that has to be said, if she takes offence thats her problem and she needs to take a few social queues.
Your weight and your body image has nothing to do with anyone else.