To think that it's not appropriate to text your ex at this time of night?

[VeeVeey2]

I've been with OH for years, we have DC together and I'm pregnant. I'm also SM to the DSC who are here every week (tonight being one of our nights with them)

The kids are all in bed sleeping whilst me and OH are watching a film, rare bit of us time, his phone starts pinging and it's his ex.

I ask what the matter is and he said she's ironing out the details for them going home tomorrow, can he take them back at 3 etc.

AIBU to think it's an inappropriate time to text and she should have waited until tomorrow?

Backstory: huge lack of boundaries and it gets on my nerves.

No not unreasonable to text when it’s about the kids

Not really, if he was asleep he would reply in the morning surely?

Maybe it's the first time she's had the chance to think about it. Maybe she's a night owl and likes to sort things out at night. Who gives a shit? It's a reasonable thing for her to text about and trying to control the times it's acceptable for them to communicate is a hiding to nothing. If your partner doesn't want to receive texts at that time he can put his phone on DND.

Why is your time together so rare?

It’s not that late really. What difference doe it make if she text tonight and what makes it “inappropriate “?

@RevolvingPivot

Why is your time together so rare?

We work opposite shifts.

I can see people think I'm unreasonable, perhaps it's just me then.

Generally I don't message people late at night if it can wait until the morning.

I don't think it's inappropriate, he doesn't have to read them or reply.
Maybe next time they could both iron out the plans earlier/at a more convenient time.

Surely thats just one message?

But to some people it’s not late, and you were still up both up.

@JulesCobb

Surely thats just one message?

No, there was multiple.

Any time adter 11pm is a bit late (unless an emergency)

I wouldn't ring someone at this time unless it was an emergency but a text message is absolutely fine imo.

Is it multiple on the same subject? I think it's reasonable to text a parent about their kids. His boundaries are "yep, got that ex, will finalise in the morning".

You are annoyed with the wrong person. Your OH needn't have replied. He could have waited until the morning surely?

Realises I’ve been texting my ex about kids..
Could this be me!

Generally I don't message people late at night if it can wait until the morning

In a global world with many comms channels, I think most people stopped thinking like that long ago. I have friends and colleagues all over the world. They send me messages when it's a good time for them, and I read them when it's a good time for me. I deal with issues at a good time for me, and I assume others deploy the functionality installed on every smart device for the purpose of blocking notifications during their sleep or relaxing hours if they don't wish to read them at a given time, or that they go old skool and turn the device off or leave it in another room.

@Awrite

You are annoyed with the wrong person. Your OH needn't have replied. He could have waited until the morning surely?

Absolutely he could have done.

@NocturneGmajor

Realises I’ve been texting my ex about kids.. Could this be me!

Quite possibly! Does your name begin with a L?

Ex has messaged me before at 10 and vice versa about ds it didn't occur to inform dh about it.

I've been known to send texts to my exh at this time of night about DC, and vice versa. It's not particularly late.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

Generally I don't message people late at night if it can wait until the morning

In a global world with many comms channels, I think most people stopped thinking like that long ago. I have friends and colleagues all over the world. They send me messages when it's a good time for them, and I read them when it's a good time for me. I deal with issues at a good time for me, and I assume others deploy the functionality installed on every smart device for the purpose of blocking notifications during their sleep or relaxing hours if they don't wish to read them at a given time, or that they go old skool and turn the device off or leave it in another room.

You raise a valid point

I am quite old school in that I don't message people late at night unless in an emergency, but clearly I'm the odd one out and I can see that most think it's fine.

I message whenever I remember to. I don’t have the best memory, and can lose a thought thread quickly. My ex is fine with this, as he’s known me over 20 years. Thankfully his wife knows that if his phone pings at stupid o’clock due to me, it will just be a “before my brain barfs…” message. I realise, however, that this is our situation and can’t be applied to your own.

Messaging isn’t like a phone call, where it demands an immediate response. So texting at 11pm isn’t the same as ringing at 11pm.

I think texting at any time of day is fine. The onus is on the other person as to whether they’re in a mood to read or respond.

One evening a notification popped up on my app which is for my DD’s school work etc, it was a video of her class doing a song for their harvest festival. My ex also has login for the app but doesn’t look at it as routinely as me. I texted him “video of DD class added to app just now, if you’d like to have a look”. No reply from him then about 15 mins later I got a text from his partner’s phone saying “could you please refrain from texting X at this time of night”. It was 8.10pm. It made me feel really embarrassed and cautious of texting again when we have always previously had an amicable and friendly relationship.

Surely she’s trying to give you more notice by texting then rather than in the morning? And as people have said, it’s a text not a phone call, doesn’t have to be replied to there and then. But the sooner arrangements are made the less disruption there is the next day.