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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's not appropriate to text your ex at this time of night?

113 replies

VeeVeey2 · 01/08/2021 22:46

I've been with OH for years, we have DC together and I'm pregnant. I'm also SM to the DSC who are here every week (tonight being one of our nights with them)

The kids are all in bed sleeping whilst me and OH are watching a film, rare bit of us time, his phone starts pinging and it's his ex.

I ask what the matter is and he said she's ironing out the details for them going home tomorrow, can he take them back at 3 etc.

AIBU to think it's an inappropriate time to text and she should have waited until tomorrow?

Backstory: huge lack of boundaries and it gets on my nerves.

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 01/08/2021 23:54

your phone your setting. people can text at midnight doesn't mean it alerts you.
look at your convenience.
silent mode after 10pm in this house.

Newmumatlast · 02/08/2021 00:51

@CallMeRisley

One evening a notification popped up on my app which is for my DD’s school work etc, it was a video of her class doing a song for their harvest festival. My ex also has login for the app but doesn’t look at it as routinely as me. I texted him “video of DD class added to app just now, if you’d like to have a look”. No reply from him then about 15 mins later I got a text from his partner’s phone saying “could you please refrain from texting X at this time of night”. It was 8.10pm. It made me feel really embarrassed and cautious of texting again when we have always previously had an amicable and friendly relationship.
The only person who shouldve been embarrassed is her
NiceGerbil · 02/08/2021 02:18

They know each others patterns so assume she knew he was likely to be up probs.

Texts just sit there anyway. She sent when thought to. He can read whenever.

What does he think? Did you tell him you didn't like it?

If he doesn't then he just doesn't answer till morning. Easy.

JohnSteinbeck · 02/08/2021 02:23

Yes, I think it’s inappropriate. When the same happened with us, we had a talk about boundaries and how much my partner was letting his ex into our relationship. She was also calling him in drunken states late at night. A bit different cos these are adult kids, but in a way that made it worse.

He texted her in the end saying please only text after 9pm if it’s of major importance. She’s never done it since.

My ex also asked me - I was texting him early ish 7/7.30 about school things for our DC and I suspect his gf was upset. So I respected the boundary & stopped.

lilmishap · 02/08/2021 05:28

I tend to send those 'shit I forgot to txt about that earlier' texts just before I crash out. I don't expect a reply until morning it's just when I remember to send the damn things.

If she was ringing it would be different, but I don't see a txt as intrusive. You don't have to respond until a reasonable hour.

AlternativePerspective · 02/08/2021 05:36

I have friends who text me at 3 AM when they can’t sleep.

I keep unusual hours so it’s not uncommon for me to reply. Grin but if I’m sleeping then my phone is on silent and so if they don’t get a reply they know I’m not awake but it’s fine.

There are certain people, e.g.if my mum texted me late at night I’d worry that something might be up and vice versa as I have some health problems, but anyone else is fine.

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2021 05:38

I know what you mean op because I try not to text people too early or late as well

Is this part of a wider issue about boundaries?

clickychicky · 02/08/2021 05:51

It doesn't matter who it is he should be able to not reply if he wants. If it couldn't wait until morning I'd be annoyed at him but as it was plans for the next day it seems fair enough.

Wjevtvha · 02/08/2021 06:03

If me amd DH are watching a film or doing something together I’d expect him to wait until after to reply to his ex as it’s our time ( unless it can’t wait obvs)

clickychicky · 02/08/2021 06:54

@Wjevtvha

If me amd DH are watching a film or doing something together I’d expect him to wait until after to reply to his ex as it’s our time ( unless it can’t wait obvs)
Same. And it's him i'd be annoyed with for having no self control.
pilates · 02/08/2021 07:05

It’s no big deal tbh unless she does it all the time.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/08/2021 07:30

My ex works shifts so he often texts me at 2am! (DS's dad) I don't think it's a big deal, we only speak about DS.

icedcoffees · 02/08/2021 07:33

It's really no big deal.

Muma1992 · 02/08/2021 07:35

The great thing about texts is that they don't require instant replies like speaking on the phone. His ex was 100% fine to text him and the only person you should be annoyed at is your OH for replying straight away

GoldBar · 02/08/2021 07:45

I don't message after 11pm or before 7am. I think everything else is fine. I don't mind being messaged outside those times but I wouldn't do it myself.

Eviethyme · 02/08/2021 07:55

Not like she was asking for nudes or a booty call - _- give your head a wobble as they say.

Tiana4 · 02/08/2021 08:26

It is late to text. Like other PPs though, given it's about their shared DC, it's up to your DP and his ex what time they text each other as there's a legitimate reason to communicate.

If it had woken him up then it'd be annoying but it didn't.
If it was all the time, it would be annoying & DP might want to ask she texts earlier. I don't text after 10pm generally, but I'm not a night owl in my hours.

Since she was changing arrangements for the next day, I can understand that she'd want to let him know as early as possible so at least it was there when he woke up next day if he wasn't up already.

I think yabu if you said anything but 'ooooh that's a bit late, is it urgent? What do we need to do?'

Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 10:21

@Eviethyme

Not like she was asking for nudes or a booty call - _- give your head a wobble as they say.
Don't be so patronising. You have no idea what has gone on in the past. There have been many, many times that she has hugely overstepped the mark. They both have.

Also it's peculiar, I posted exactly the same into a step parenting group I'm in and it was a unanimous YANBU.

What is it they say about Mumsnet and step parents...

OP posts:
CanofCant · 02/08/2021 10:26

He's also 'overstepped the mark' with her and yet he still answered her texts when he was supposed to be having a nice time with just you? Why did he do that when I assume you have made it clear how it makes you feel?

Yes she is probably a pain in the arse but he is the one that is supposed to be your partner.

Clymene · 02/08/2021 10:27

Perhaps you should stick to the step parenting group then?

Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 10:29

@CanofCant

He's also 'overstepped the mark' with her and yet he still answered her texts when he was supposed to be having a nice time with just you? Why did he do that when I assume you have made it clear how it makes you feel?

Yes she is probably a pain in the arse but he is the one that is supposed to be your partner.

I agree with you. I'm annoyed with him.
OP posts:
Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 10:30

@Clymene

Perhaps you should stick to the step parenting group then?
Well what a good idea. I'll do just that in future if I ever want to discuss anything related to blended families.
OP posts:
Yesitsbess · 02/08/2021 10:32

My ex and I don't message or call after 9pm unless one of the kids is on fire.

OP I might be in the minority here but I can totally see your view. Especially if there have been late evening interruptions frequently in the past.

Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 10:37

@Yesitsbess

My ex and I don't message or call after 9pm unless one of the kids is on fire.

OP I might be in the minority here but I can totally see your view. Especially if there have been late evening interruptions frequently in the past.

Thank you, I'm glad not everybody thinks I'm some neurotic unreasonable person.

Yes there have been.

I have a thin skin when it comes to her because of shit behaviour on both of their parts, but if I wrote the whole story I would be ripped to pieces for being a mug.

OP posts:
Yesitsbess · 02/08/2021 10:43

I thought that might be the case. No advice really but I feel your pain!