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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's not appropriate to text your ex at this time of night?

113 replies

VeeVeey2 · 01/08/2021 22:46

I've been with OH for years, we have DC together and I'm pregnant. I'm also SM to the DSC who are here every week (tonight being one of our nights with them)

The kids are all in bed sleeping whilst me and OH are watching a film, rare bit of us time, his phone starts pinging and it's his ex.

I ask what the matter is and he said she's ironing out the details for them going home tomorrow, can he take them back at 3 etc.

AIBU to think it's an inappropriate time to text and she should have waited until tomorrow?

Backstory: huge lack of boundaries and it gets on my nerves.

OP posts:
AdelindSchade · 02/08/2021 10:52

I'm obviously in the minority and 'old school " but I'm with you OP. I wouldn't text anybody late at night or early in the morning and especially not in this kind of scenario unless there was good reason.

CanofCant · 02/08/2021 10:52

That's rubbish OP. Even more so that you are pregnant and he still doesn't care about upsetting you after what I assume was quite a serious indiscretion on his part.

Darkstar4855 · 02/08/2021 10:56

Phone calls unreasonable. Texts reasonable as long as a reply is not immediately expected.

Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 11:01

Serious indiscretion indeed.

Oh stuff it I've name changed anyway.

They slept together when I was pregnant with our first child. A pissed up ONS.

It was a long time ago now and I decided to forgive and work to get past it, which i have for the most part. I'm satisfied that nothing has happened since or is likely to again, but..

After something like that happens firm boundaries are a must, especially when going NC with the other party isn't possible. In our case due to shared DSC.

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 02/08/2021 11:01

Thing is OP, the responses you got are based on your original post, and from what you've written there the majority of us wouldn't have a problem with it/have done it ourselves. If you'd added in that they both have form (no details required) then I think the responses would've been different.

So after reading your update, yeah I'm not surprised you're annoyed.

Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 11:05

@KurtWilde

Thing is OP, the responses you got are based on your original post, and from what you've written there the majority of us wouldn't have a problem with it/have done it ourselves. If you'd added in that they both have form (no details required) then I think the responses would've been different.

So after reading your update, yeah I'm not surprised you're annoyed.

I understand.

I was very reluctant to give the full story because I couldn't stomach a pile on telling me what a mug I am.

However, it's obviously relevant isn't it so I should have given more detail in the OP.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 11:07

I posted as I needed an outlet for my frustration at the time. I didn't want to get into a row with OH when the children were next door. I quietly made my point last night and will be addressing it properly today when DSC have gone home.

OP posts:
CanofCant · 02/08/2021 11:15

Ugh, I don't know how you could even look at him let alone have a second child with him. I hope by some miracle he realises what a massive shit he is and spends the rest of his life making it up to you but he hasn't so far has he? That update makes his behaviour even worse, he should be doing everything he can to put you at ease.

KurtWilde · 02/08/2021 11:15

@VeeVeey2 totally understandable. I've also been in a position where I forgave a major indiscretion so we could hopefully move forward. The last thing you need when you're trying to get over something like that is a load of random people telling you you're a mug for doing it. You're not.

And you're right to feel annoyed. In this instance, a firmer boundary needs to be put in place. Of course they need to discuss their DC, but your DP needs to be more mindful of how he deals with late night messages - all things considered!

SmallPrawnEnergy · 02/08/2021 11:15

The thing is OP, you’ve chosen to “move past” this incident, however you can’t really do that when these 2 people need to be in regular communication to parent their children. You’re directing your emotions to the wrong party, your issue really is your husband. Messaging at a semi reasonable time about the children isn’t really inappropriate, however you clearly don’t trust your other half to act appropriately with her. So you need to sit down and instil some rigid boundaries here and he needs to relay them to her. No phone contact between the hours of 9pm and 7am unless it’s an emergency for example. If she chose to break this then he can simply not respond until the morning. It’s up to you how to handle this but your other half is the one disrespecting you here.

Yesitsbess · 02/08/2021 11:16

@VeeVeey2

Oh that's awful. Put your foot down.

Muma1992 · 02/08/2021 11:18

@VeeVeey2

Serious indiscretion indeed.

Oh stuff it I've name changed anyway.

They slept together when I was pregnant with our first child. A pissed up ONS.

It was a long time ago now and I decided to forgive and work to get past it, which i have for the most part. I'm satisfied that nothing has happened since or is likely to again, but..

After something like that happens firm boundaries are a must, especially when going NC with the other party isn't possible. In our case due to shared DSC.

Obviously this will change a lot of people's opinions. I said it was fine for her to text at any hour and him to read/reply later. Now I think they're both horrible and there are some blurred lines here about texting after hours to me. I'm sorry, you deserve better than him x
Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 11:22

Thank you ladies, apologies for the huge drip feed. I'm glad you can now see why that was (and why I didn't want to go into it in my OP)

Boundaries were much more rigid in the early days / aftermath of what happened. As time has gone by, they have become lax.

It feels to me, that they both think, that because I have forgiven.. I should be able to essentially forget. It's not that easy and is never going to happen.

My plan is to sit him down later and make it absolutely clear that I'm not happy with late night text exchanges, for any reason that isn't an emergency to do with DSC.

OP posts:
Wizzbangfizz · 02/08/2021 11:23

What a Prince eh? Urgh what a horrible situation. Your reaction now is totally understandable.

Dragon50 · 02/08/2021 11:23

OP the context (which you've given) makes the difference I think.

I agree with other posters re texting not being inappropriate as less intrusive.I send/receive text all hours (friends/family) otherwise I forget. Calls saved for reasonable hrs.

However in your situation (which I won’t comment presumably you had your reasons), it’s not about a text as such, but 1. Boundaries, 2. The fact that he ‘parked’ you to respond.

I imagine you are a bit more sensitive to the situation as you are pregnant and it’s a reminder.

Dragon50 · 02/08/2021 11:25

Also, presumably you’d be just upset if he interrupted say lunch at 2pm with you to respond to her.

If the case, again it’s the boundaries.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/08/2021 11:27

Messages can be sent any time. It is up to the phone owner to decide what time they dont want to be disturbed after, and silence their phone accordingly.

Flowers500 · 02/08/2021 12:15

@VeeVeey2

Serious indiscretion indeed.

Oh stuff it I've name changed anyway.

They slept together when I was pregnant with our first child. A pissed up ONS.

It was a long time ago now and I decided to forgive and work to get past it, which i have for the most part. I'm satisfied that nothing has happened since or is likely to again, but..

After something like that happens firm boundaries are a must, especially when going NC with the other party isn't possible. In our case due to shared DSC.

What are you having multiple children with a lying, cheating scumbag? Ultimately it is him you should be angry with. I don’t understand how you could move beyond this?
Jobsharenightmare · 02/08/2021 12:17

I'm with you OP. I wouldn't text about the children at that hour either.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/08/2021 12:37

What are you having multiple children with a lying, cheating scumbag? Ultimately it is him you should be angry with. I don’t understand how you could move beyond this?

This. And it's ok if you have changed your mind and can't move past it even though you've tried to. What he did would be unforgivable in almost everyone's eyes. At your most vulnerable time he betrayed you with someone he will always have to be in touch with.

I couldn't look at him much less have more children with him. It's ok if you decide you can't be with him after all. This relationship cannot be good for your mental health at all.

1FootInTheRave · 02/08/2021 12:44

So not only did he fuck someone else whilst you were pregnant.

He fucked the one person he has to maintain contact with.

Good luck getting past that.

Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 12:57

And this is exactly why I withheld that information to begin with. Sharp digs at me, the innocent party.

"Why are you having more children with this man"

I don't think anybody has the right to ask why somebodies children exist to be fair, regardless of circumstances. I'm a good parent and will be a good parent regardless of whether we're together or not.

Truth be told, I thought I had done a good job of getting past it but things have resurfaced for me since being pregnant now. Hormones perhaps, or because it takes me back to feeling vulnerable again.

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 02/08/2021 13:01

I'm sorry @VeeVeey2 wouldn't it have been nice of just once people could've kept their digs to themselves.

CanofCant · 02/08/2021 13:06

It's not sharp digs, it's frustration that you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. He slept with the one person that he is already connected to for life. Now you are pregnant and understandably feeling vulnerable again, he is behaving shamefully by not respecting the contact boundaries you have asked him to abide by in order to give you peace of mind.

Obviously it's easy to make these comments with an outsiders perspective but his life doesn't seem to be impacted by his decision to betray you at all. I just think he's a dick and that your pregnancy and mental health shouldn't suffer because he can't be faithful.

Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 13:09

@KurtWilde

I'm sorry *@VeeVeey2* wouldn't it have been nice of just once people could've kept their digs to themselves.
Absolutely yes Sad

It's basically rubbing salt into the wounds.

I'm well aware what the MN demographic think of women like me who choose to stay.

On here it's LTB or you're a mug and will be spoken to as such.

Life isn't always that simple as we know.

I'm sure most people would like to think they'd just up and go, if it were them. I said the same once upon a time.

Not so easy in practice when you have children, shared finances, shared lives etc and to add to that, I'm actually extremely fond of my DSC who I care for just as much as my own.

They haven't had an easy couple of years, exposed to things they shouldn't have been, thanks to BM, so I'm not just going to abandon them either.

OP posts: