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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's not appropriate to text your ex at this time of night?

113 replies

VeeVeey2 · 01/08/2021 22:46

I've been with OH for years, we have DC together and I'm pregnant. I'm also SM to the DSC who are here every week (tonight being one of our nights with them)

The kids are all in bed sleeping whilst me and OH are watching a film, rare bit of us time, his phone starts pinging and it's his ex.

I ask what the matter is and he said she's ironing out the details for them going home tomorrow, can he take them back at 3 etc.

AIBU to think it's an inappropriate time to text and she should have waited until tomorrow?

Backstory: huge lack of boundaries and it gets on my nerves.

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 02/08/2021 13:11

Completely agree, @VeeVeey2 other people's lives must be so simple, so cut and dry with no grey areas eh.

FinallyFluid · 02/08/2021 13:24

Someone needs to show her the facility on her phone to schedule the message to go the next morning, she gets to deal with it, he gets to enjoy his evening with you.

Flowers500 · 02/08/2021 13:28

@KurtWilde

I'm sorry *@VeeVeey2* wouldn't it have been nice of just once people could've kept their digs to themselves.
I’m sorry if it reads like a dig, it’s not—you are right to be bloody pissed at him and not ok with anything he does. I don’t think there is any way to move past this, he will be in constant contact with her and you know he’s totally untrustworthy. There is no basis here to ever have a trusting, adult relationship. He is not a candidate for a partner.

You can only really move on after infidelity if you can have solid assurances that it won’t happen again, and you can start to trust again. You would be silly and naive to trust him, therefore there can be no basis of trust, and no proper adult relationship.

I don’t judge you, I just think you are utterly wasting your time if you ever think you can have an actual relationship with him now. Every single answer on this thread before was based on “they are adults co-parenting, you can trust them to just coparent without banging each other.” Those comments are now clealry wrong. You can’t trust him.

CanofCant · 02/08/2021 13:36

It's not a case of things being 'so cut and dry with no grey areas' for goodness sake. Most people commenting on here will be doing so with the benefit of hindsight and experience from their own lives. Of course it's bloody hard disentangling your finances, life, organising child contact etc during a break up. The fact is that OP cannot trust her husband, he has given her good bloody reason not to and through his present actions shows no sign of acknowledging how much he has hurt her.

KurtWilde · 02/08/2021 13:58

@CanofCant

It's not a case of things being 'so cut and dry with no grey areas' for goodness sake. Most people commenting on here will be doing so with the benefit of hindsight and experience from their own lives. Of course it's bloody hard disentangling your finances, life, organising child contact etc during a break up. The fact is that OP cannot trust her husband, he has given her good bloody reason not to and through his present actions shows no sign of acknowledging how much he has hurt her.
Absolutely, I've been exactly where OP is now, but the pint is no one has the right to comment on her children/pregnancy existing, and no one gets to tell her what she should decide regarding her own relationship.
CoRhona · 02/08/2021 14:52

That is quite an update and definitely puts a different slant on things.

Tell your DH to put his phone on DND.

wendz86 · 02/08/2021 14:56

Myself and my ex text at random times, he works night shifts sometimes so i get texts early morning or late in evening. Doesn't bother me as it's related to kids.

icedcoffees · 02/08/2021 15:11

And this is exactly why I withheld that information to begin with. Sharp digs at me, the innocent party.

You were innocent when they slept together, but you chose to remain in a relationship and have another child with him knowing what he's like.

People are allowed to question your logic - he's never going to be in a place where he doesn't speak to his ex (they have kids together, they're entangled for life) and if innocent texts about the kids make you feel this way, I think it's valid to question why you've stuck around.

Not because you're stupid or because people are making digs, but because people think you deserve a whole TON better than that.

5475878237NC · 02/08/2021 16:50

I'm sorry for what you have been put through. I don't think this man is deserving of your love to be honest.

Clymene · 02/08/2021 19:34

Oh OP. I'm so sorry to read that. Of course you're a bit antsy. Who wouldn't be?

You've chosen to stay but at a terrible cost to your mental health. I hope he's worth it

clickychicky · 02/08/2021 19:54

Just saw your last update. You chose to stay. That must have been hard. Whilst he should be able to text her regarding the children I think he should absolutely 100% be doing that at a bare minimum and not while he is meant to be spending time with you. He owes you that.

My DH manages to sort out arrangements via email about 1-2months before and it's a set routine. There is very little they need to contact each other about in between so texts are kept to urgent matters.

Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 20:15

I truly believed that I managed to put it behind me, there's no way I'd have considered another child if I was unsure, then 'bang' just like that it all comes back to me. I'm attributing that to hormones, but it's no surprise really is it?

When deciding to stay I did so knowing that there would always be contact and that was hard, but I accepted that on the basis the kids have to come first and always should.

I want to believe that neither of them would ever do something so selfish again because it directly impacts the children, both sets, hopefully I'm not giving them too much credit.

OP posts:
pinkcircustop · 02/08/2021 20:17

Yep, YABU. It’s okay to text anyone at anytime; they don’t have to reply as soon as they receive it.

Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 20:17

I'm yet to speak to him properly about the texting, DSC' stay has been extended so they're here until tomorrow afternoon now.

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 02/08/2021 20:18

Unfortunately I don't believe it's possible to ever put something like that behind you.

clickychicky · 02/08/2021 20:28

@VeeVeey2

I'm yet to speak to him properly about the texting, DSC' stay has been extended so they're here until tomorrow afternoon now.
If they kept things simple they wouldn't have to text unless a sudden emergency changes the plans. My DSC like having it on the calendar where they will be and when. Last minute changes are fine if it's an emergency or unforeseen situation but the less messing them around the better.
Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 20:28

@icedcoffees

Unfortunately I don't believe it's possible to ever put something like that behind you.
That's what I'm scared of Sad

Then that'll be my 20's I've wasted, I'll probably not see the DSC again other than in passing which will break my heart, my DC will be raised in a single parent family and lose their siblings. I'll be on my own doing all of the donkey work.

Why do people have to be so fucking selfish.

OP posts:
clickychicky · 02/08/2021 20:29

I mean obviously this might be one of those unforseen circumstances. But if they organise themselves there is less need for contact.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/08/2021 20:30

If it were me I might only just have sat down then!

It’s all personal preference. Some would say “oh 11 is too late, better to message first thing”, others would say “oh 7am is too early, why not message the night before so everyone knows where they stand before the day dawns”

Original poster
VeeVeey2 · 02/08/2021 20:32

If they kept things simple they wouldn't have to text unless a sudden emergency changes the plans. My DSC like having it on the calendar where they will be and when. Last minute changes are fine if it's an emergency or unforeseen situation but the less messing them around the better

That's a good system to have.

In our case, their lack of proper planning in advance regarding the summer holidays meant that OH and ex are making arrangements on a rolling basis.

Usually, when DSC aren't off school, we have them on the same days every week. They're spending more time here at the moment (which I love) but it's all being based around what ex is doing or whether she has plans etc.

Total disorganization.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/08/2021 20:33

Ah crap just read your update and realised you’re not talking about a normal situation or normal people (ie them being not normal).

He sounds like a shit for doing that to you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/08/2021 20:34

I must pin exh down more clearly on handover times as well as dates, you make a good point!

icedcoffees · 02/08/2021 20:34

Why do people have to be so fucking selfish.

Flowers I'm sorry.

clickychicky · 02/08/2021 20:35

That does sound a nightmare. Holidays here were planned after the Easter hols. Which is a bit in advance but it meant each parent could say which week they would prefer and get it all sorted. So if ex has plans to take them away then she knows which week to do it in. If my DH kept chopping and changing to suit her I'd be furious. (Different if it's to suit the children, eg. Last minute party invite).

Clymene · 02/08/2021 20:38

They don't have boundaries. And it's really hard for you to complain about that without sounding jealous and paranoid.

I'm sorry, it sounds like an impossible situation