To think that it's not appropriate to text your ex at this time of night?

[VeeVeey2]

I've been with OH for years, we have DC together and I'm pregnant. I'm also SM to the DSC who are here every week (tonight being one of our nights with them)

The kids are all in bed sleeping whilst me and OH are watching a film, rare bit of us time, his phone starts pinging and it's his ex.

I ask what the matter is and he said she's ironing out the details for them going home tomorrow, can he take them back at 3 etc.

AIBU to think it's an inappropriate time to text and she should have waited until tomorrow?

Backstory: huge lack of boundaries and it gets on my nerves.

She wasn't really unreasonable, texts can be sent at any time, a phone call would have been U for non emergency...your issue is with your DH really - he didn't have to read text and reply when the two of you were watching a film.

You have a DH problem. His ex sounds awkward but DH is completely enabling it.

Not sure if everybody has RTFT (and I don't blame you if not) but yes I absolutely do have a DH problem.

She has been an absolute arsehole to me herself, but the only person who actually owes me any respect is him.

I wouldn't consider that an issue as I don't think texts are the same as phone calls, in that they can sent any time

Is it really down to them being disorganised or more that they like being in contact with each other, either because they are used to it and enjoy it or have terrible boundaries? Either way it isn't in keeping with reassuring you is it? I suppose you could suggest it to him, set arrangements to avoid having to be in such frequent and over familiar contact. Would he stick to this though?

It's a horrible place to find yourself in, it would infuriate me that you are still suffering from the fall out and he doesn't have a care in the world.

If you bring it up would he grumble at your 'nagging' and call you paranoid or would he do the bare minimum for a few weeks to appease you again?

The alternative to the single parent life you describe is spending the rest of your days looking over your shoulder, wondering what they’re talking about it, if he’s going to betray you again.

@CanofCant

Is it really down to them being disorganised or more that they like being in contact with each other, either because they are used to it and enjoy it or have terrible boundaries? Either way it isn't in keeping with reassuring you is it? I suppose you could suggest it to him, set arrangements to avoid having to be in such frequent and over familiar contact. Would he stick to this though?

It's a horrible place to find yourself in, it would infuriate me that you are still suffering from the fall out and he doesn't have a care in the world.

If you bring it up would he grumble at your 'nagging' and call you paranoid or would he do the bare minimum for a few weeks to appease you again?

Is it really down to them being disorganised or more that they like being in contact with each other, either because they are used to it and enjoy it or have terrible boundaries

Very good question! I put it down to being disorganised as that's the impression I've been getting from DH who seems a bit frazzled but of course it may be the latter.

I suppose you could suggest it to him, set arrangements to avoid having to be in such frequent and over familiar contact. Would he stick to this though

That's what I plan to do. I hope he would stick to it but I have no way of knowing for sure as I don't check his phone. Too much trust afforded to him already perhaps? Would anybody else check? It's not something I've ever done.

it would infuriate me that you are still suffering from the fall out and he doesn't have a care in the world

This with bells on!

If you bring it up would he grumble at your 'nagging' and call you paranoid or would he do the bare minimum for a few weeks to appease you again?

He has never called me a nag or implied that I'm being one, and he has always listened and made all the right noises when I've wanted to talk about what happened. I think he would take note of what I'm saying and amend the frequency of contact accordingly because I'm putting my foot down about it and I'm not prepared to put up with it.

@AnneLovesGilbert

The alternative to the single parent life you describe is spending the rest of your days looking over your shoulder, wondering what they’re talking about it, if he’s going to betray you again.

Yep.

I don't like either scenario. I wish he'd never done it, I wish his put me before his dick, i wish his ex was normal etc.

I'm the loser either way aren't I.

I’m sorry OP. Just sounds shit really

It's his problem not hers. He can DND on his phone or ignore till morning.

Op..

When i read your original post . I was thinking my friend has literally replied to my earlier textvand and arranged to meet tomorrow.

Reading your update.... no wonder. This is the time you are most vunerable and last time he betrayed and let you down.

I think you have to sit down with him tell him how you feel and listen to response

Reading your update.... no wonder. This is the time you are most vunerable and last time he betrayed and let you down

That's exactly it for me I think.

Pre current pregnancy I don't think I'd have given the time of night she text much thought, infact I'd probably have voted YABU if I read this from anybody else, but in my current state I'm reminded of how vulnerable I was when they did what they did.

And how there needs to be boundaries and I need to feel secure.

Plus hormones.

Ugh it's all just shit.

It is shit.