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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Planning my Funeral

144 replies

ancientgran · 01/08/2021 21:41

I want to get everything planned so my kids don't have to worry about it. I'm trying to decide on music, I know the hymns I want as they are from childhood but I wanted something else for the end of the service.

I've always loved Danny Boy so that's a contender but then again I thought maybe something a bit more uplifting so do you think Spirit in the Sky is too over the top?

OP posts:
therocinante · 02/08/2021 12:13

@Lactarius

It's my son's funeral on Tuesday and trying to find music that was appropriate and felt like it a connection to him was really difficult - he never used to play music or show any connection to specific pieces. It would have been much easier if we had any idea of his preferences.

As he spent most of his time playing on-line we chose one track from there (Lament of the Highborn) and The Rains of Castamere as I really like it and it felt appropriately fantasy. It'll be amusing to see if any of the attendees expect a recreation of the red wedding...

This just choked me up - Lament of the Highborne is a perfect, poignant choice for a WoW player.

(Rains of Castamere made me laugh in a good way... it's appropriately funereal, although any Game of Thrones fans will probably be a bit concerned if you shut the doors!)

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your son. What a beautiful thing, to make sure the music you choose really represents who he was. Flowers

therocinante · 02/08/2021 12:17

@TomAllenWife

Omg I have a full on playlist!

My kids know, and it's in my will

And I don't want just bits of the songs, I want the whole thing

I've got:

Dolly Parton - 9-5
Glen Campbell - witchita lineman
The Killers - all these things that I've done
Elvis - burning love (for when I go through the curtain)

All these songs make me smile, they will be songs that remind my loved ones of me

Amazing choices - can I come? Wink

I love when the songs have clearly been chosen by the deceased. A family friend had a New Model Army song at the end and all his friends were singing along and it was such a nice, cathartic, personal way to end the service. Vicar just looked mildly amused Grin

OP, I think your choices are lovely - if they're what you want, that'll make them personal and it'll be nice for your family to know you chose them. Flowers

Brainwave89 · 02/08/2021 12:18

When we did our wills we put in a letter which sets out funeral plans including songs and hymns. I am planning on having always look on the bright side of life by Monty Python (including rude bits), the cheapest possible coffin (its going into a furnace so reused packing cases are fine). Big effort on the booze up afterwards, and a further one twelve months on when the grieving will have stopped.

ancientgran · 02/08/2021 12:27

So many good ideas. I'm thinking cheap coffin, received into the church the night before funeral for vigil (thinking about it this gives more opportunity for music so I could choose one or two extra hymns for that and Danny Boy might be OK as taken into the church as it isn't a mass) Catholic mass with my hymns, I will choose a reading from the bible but I don't want poems, Spirit in the Sky as we leave.

Some sort of hospitality after the funeral, they can choose as I won't be partaking.

Think it's sorted.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 02/08/2021 12:30

@Bloodybridget

I've got such a long playlist for my funeral, I'll need a double slot. I should probably trim it down. OP either song would be great, I think - a friend had a band playing Danny Boy leading us into the chapel for her funeral.
My uncle had a piper play Amazing Grace, I do love bagpipes so maybe Danny Boy (The Londonderry Air really as it wouldn't be sung) on the bagpipes.

This is getting as bad as planning a wedding.

OP posts:
RB68 · 02/08/2021 12:36

If you have a church service and the vicar or priest does the crem service too you might be limited on what you can choose depending on their views on the matter. We were categorically told nothing Pop or modern - it was fine for us as we wouldn't anyway but could effect what the person organising can do. I would suggest finding a few great photos of yourself as well for service cards and prayer cards if you think people might want them - a prayer or quote for the cards as well. I have had to organise too many funerals past 18 months and words for things are the hardest in my view.

With the straight to Crem and cremated its the same cost as for a short crem service which for mourners is nice to have something to focus on especially if they are wary of going to the pub afterwards or back to someones home. Having it prepaid to an extent is also good as if you don't have cash in your bank account or savings account with a bank it can be difficult to get things paid for. Banks can authorise a direct payment to the funeral directors from the deceased account without probate but with death certificate and invoice.

Fairyliz · 02/08/2021 12:38

@Gemma2019

I’ve never understood why people plan their own funerals right down to hymn choice. You’ll be dead so why does it matter to you? I’ve told my family they can do a direct cremation or donate my body to science or whatever they want as I don’t care.
@Gemma2019 Have you ever had to arrange a funeral? It really helps if you know someone’s wishes because choosing hymns is the last thing you want to do when you are grieving. Obviously if you don’t give a dam let your family know that, but don’t come back and haunt them if they choose ‘Always look on the bright side of life’.
Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 13:24

because it's horrible having to pick on their behalf afterwards

I don’t agree. My dad always refused to discuss anything about his demise. My last act of love was designing his funeral. His coffin entered to Goodnight Sweetheart by Mantovani, his and mum’s song was Some Enchanted Evening by Perry Como, reflection was Nimrod and we left to I’ll Be Seeing You from Sinatra. Those who knew him well said it was perfect.

I love the lush Goodnight Sweetheart so much we had it for my mum’s funeral six months later and I’d like it at mine.

SemiFeralDalek · 02/08/2021 16:26

Time to say goodbye is a lovely one. Have whatever you feel suits you, if you want to raise a smile with your song choices, go for it.

I do the music and tech at my church's funerals. There have been a huge variety, from highway to hell, always look on the bright side of life etc to more sombre choices.

What I would suggest though, is that, with your funeral folder of wishes, you write down a sort of, bullet point of eulogy type list. Where you were born and lived as a child etc, who with and when, some key memories from your childhood (perhaps memories with people who will be present at the funeral) and then your "favourite bits" from your life's catalogue as it were.

Obviously things like the birth of children, much loved relatives etc. But what your favourite things were, what you loved to do, your favourite restaurant etc, your favourite place to holiday. Some tales and anecdotes from your perspective.

Quite often, when someone dies, the living are so mired in grief that they forget the good bits.

Having the facts of your life and some prompts from you can help to spark the memories of others and the "oh do you remember when she.." from those planning your funeral and make it easier to formulate.

ancientgran · 02/08/2021 16:50

@Blossomtoes

because it's horrible having to pick on their behalf afterwards

I don’t agree. My dad always refused to discuss anything about his demise. My last act of love was designing his funeral. His coffin entered to Goodnight Sweetheart by Mantovani, his and mum’s song was Some Enchanted Evening by Perry Como, reflection was Nimrod and we left to I’ll Be Seeing You from Sinatra. Those who knew him well said it was perfect.

I love the lush Goodnight Sweetheart so much we had it for my mum’s funeral six months later and I’d like it at mine.

Did anyone else get involved? I have 4 kids with very different views and personalities. I don't think the chaos that would result from a mixture of their views would be what I'd want and it would probably cause upset trying to agree and I don't want that.

I have also issued orders that if they decide to sit round my death bed (I'd rather they didn't) then the first one to start an argument is to leave, I've given the most reasonable one the job of sorting that.

They are all lovely, even two at a time is fine but all of them together can be quite loud.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 02/08/2021 17:00

Good choices.
I love "somewhere over the rainbow" always makes me well up.
I'm glad I knew DM's funeral songs although her death was unexpected and very weird the April 2020 wave it was nice to know what music and hymns she wanted.
OP I hope you're okay and your health improves you are undoubtedly one of the nicest posters on here, may there be many more years posting.

TheWernethWife · 02/08/2021 17:19

I'm not having a funeral, having a Pure Cremation instead.

Told my family to have a good piss up and remember me that way.

Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 17:27

Did anyone else get involved?

My son @ancientgran. I was basically an only child (my brother died when he was 21) so everything was essentially down to me as my mum was in the depths of dementia. The choices were easy, apart from the Sinatra whom he loved but he didn’t like My Way much. When I discovered I’ll Be Seeing You it was as if he was sitting at my shoulder.

NerrSnerr · 02/08/2021 17:30

Personally I wouldn't want to pick a 'funeral song' like You'll never walk alone, Danny Boy, Time to say goodbye. Just depressing when they're heard. When my sister died she picked her own songs and one of them has recently been covered and is always on the bloody radio.

When I hear songs she liked it makes me remember happy memories but I don't want to think about the depressing funeral.

Personally I'd like a direct cremation but completely understand if my husband/ children would prefer to do the whole hog. I'm hoping I have another 40 or so years left so hoping direct cremations are more common by then.

ancientgran · 02/08/2021 17:43

@Blossomtoes

Did anyone else get involved?

My son @ancientgran. I was basically an only child (my brother died when he was 21) so everything was essentially down to me as my mum was in the depths of dementia. The choices were easy, apart from the Sinatra whom he loved but he didn’t like My Way much. When I discovered I’ll Be Seeing You it was as if he was sitting at my shoulder.

So no arguments for you balanced out with no siblings to help. Hard to know if that's better or worse. It is lovely that you felt so close to him. It is special when that happens. I had a traumatic time with the birth of one of my children, I felt my father was with me, it was such a strong feeling and when she was 24 hrs old and he went I knew she was OK.

Maybe he will be with me again when the time comes, he died when I was a child so feeling close to him is special.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 02/08/2021 17:46

@EmeraldShamrock

Good choices. I love "somewhere over the rainbow" always makes me well up. I'm glad I knew DM's funeral songs although her death was unexpected and very weird the April 2020 wave it was nice to know what music and hymns she wanted. OP I hope you're okay and your health improves you are undoubtedly one of the nicest posters on here, may there be many more years posting.
Thank you, that is so kind of you.

If my husband was having a funeral and I was choosing then somewhere over the rainbow would definitely be first choice.

I'm sorry you lost your DM, this pandemic has been so hard.

OP posts:
Lincslady53 · 02/08/2021 17:51

We live in Merseyside and every other funeral I go to has You'll Never Walk Alone. At a friend's cremation, his wife read the eulogy, and then apologised for the next song, which her deceased husband had insisted was played. It was Ring of Fire. I think that the songs you have, whether you pick them or someone else, should reflect the character of the deceased. My brother had Days of our Life, While my Guitar Gently Weeps and in the middle, Barwick Green, as he was a big fan of the Archers. All 3 were perfect to honour his life.

EmeraldShamrock · 02/08/2021 18:51

@ancientgran Thank you. Flowers

MrsFezziwig · 03/08/2021 01:33

I was thinking Frank Sinatra at mine. My Way

You won’t be alone @Polkadots2021 - this used to be the most popular song chosen for funerals, and is still in the top 10.

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