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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Planning my Funeral

144 replies

ancientgran · 01/08/2021 21:41

I want to get everything planned so my kids don't have to worry about it. I'm trying to decide on music, I know the hymns I want as they are from childhood but I wanted something else for the end of the service.

I've always loved Danny Boy so that's a contender but then again I thought maybe something a bit more uplifting so do you think Spirit in the Sky is too over the top?

OP posts:
Thehop · 01/08/2021 22:15

My dad always told me to fill his coffin with popcorn so he could make everyone laugh from the crematorium.

I didn’t, but even on the day I send him a smile as I remembered our chats. Bless him. Such a comic.

Thewholeshackshimmy · 01/08/2021 22:15

My in laws paid for and planned their funerals many years ago. I always thought it was a bit strange but typical of them as they were very down to earth and practical.
MIL sadly passed away last September and it was an awful, awful time watching her suffering so much in the hospice. My father in law kind of went into a world of his own and wasn’t much help at the time. It was then that I realised what a great idea pre arranging a funeral actually is. Absolutely no extra worries or stress for my dh and bil at such a dreadful time, just a form to be signed and literally everything was set in place and dealt with, Everything!
My parents scoffed at the idea when my in laws paid for their funeral and I got a ‘Eww, we don’t even want to think about it’ and when I said that they did that to save their sons any extra stress or anxiety I got a ‘well we won’t have to worry about that, we will will be dead!’.
Great! Thanks mum and dad.

CaveMum · 01/08/2021 22:17

I’ve told my parents they need to write down any specifics they want for their funerals and what they want to happen to their bodies (cremation/burial, where to bury them/scatter ashes, etc).

MIL died 2 years ago and DH and his brother found it incredibly stressful as she had left no record of preferences at all and at a deeply distressing time for them they were constantly doubting whether they’d made the right choices.

Just a note on using uplifting music at the end, my best friends mother planned her funeral in full including an upbeat pop song to play as people left. My friend told me that people at the funeral were pretty shocked by the choice and as it played it just felt “wrong”. Added to that she can no longer listen to the song (which is pretty popular and played on the radio on a regular basis) without associating it with her mum’s funeral and getting upset.

gogohm · 01/08/2021 22:18

If you are Catholic, the lord bless you and keep you (Rutter) is a nice light religious option. My DD's says it at my aunts funeral live but it's widely available as a recording

Original poster
ancientgran · 01/08/2021 22:18

@Longdistance

Do you have a funeral plan in place?
No, that's all part of what I'm working on.
OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 01/08/2021 22:19

Yep it is my choice.
Yep I know my family more than you.

Wonderful - I'm glad we agree on that, then!

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 01/08/2021 22:19

I also had to plan my mums funeral when she died unexpectedly and the pressure of summing her up in two or three songs was the hardest part of it.

She was such a music lover, it was really hard. I went with ‘Farewell’ by Fairport convention (Sandy Denny), ‘Many Rivers to Cross’ by Jimmy Cliff and ‘Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye’ by Leonard Cohen. I hope she would’ve been pleased.

What a lovely thing you’re doing, ancientgran. The songs you choose don’t matter, but the fact that you chose them will.

MartyHart · 01/08/2021 22:20

At my BIL's funeral a few years back Highway to Hell was playing as we walked out. It made everyone laugh.
He had chosen it before he died.

ParkheadParadise · 01/08/2021 22:22

@ancientgran
Good luck with your chat with your priest, hope he agrees to your song choice.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 01/08/2021 22:23

My husband’s nan had ‘Bring Me Sunshine’ as we were leaving. It made everyone smile and really summed her up as she was a very jolly person.

SusannahSophia · 01/08/2021 22:23

How about the Dr and the Medics version? I quite liked that.

Original poster
ancientgran · 01/08/2021 22:24

@CaveMum

I’ve told my parents they need to write down any specifics they want for their funerals and what they want to happen to their bodies (cremation/burial, where to bury them/scatter ashes, etc).

MIL died 2 years ago and DH and his brother found it incredibly stressful as she had left no record of preferences at all and at a deeply distressing time for them they were constantly doubting whether they’d made the right choices.

Just a note on using uplifting music at the end, my best friends mother planned her funeral in full including an upbeat pop song to play as people left. My friend told me that people at the funeral were pretty shocked by the choice and as it played it just felt “wrong”. Added to that she can no longer listen to the song (which is pretty popular and played on the radio on a regular basis) without associating it with her mum’s funeral and getting upset.

I can see some people won't get it, cat's bum face for a start, but I think my kids and GC will love it. Although they'd probably love Danny Boy as well. We have links to Londonderry as well.
OP posts:
sarahtalkstoomuch · 01/08/2021 22:24

@Gemma2019

I’ve never understood why people plan their own funerals right down to hymn choice. You’ll be dead so why does it matter to you? I’ve told my family they can do a direct cremation or donate my body to science or whatever they want as I don’t care.
My parents have left their bodies to science - there’s a lot of paperwork they have to do in advance, you can’t just decide after they’ve died. Also, there’s no guarantee they’ll be “chosen”, post-death. You need a contingency
Original poster
ancientgran · 01/08/2021 22:24

@Smileyaxolotl1

My husband’s nan had ‘Bring Me Sunshine’ as we were leaving. It made everyone smile and really summed her up as she was a very jolly person.
Oh that's lovely.
OP posts:
Wineinthegarden · 01/08/2021 22:24

My dad wants ‘wish me luck as you wave me goodbye’ and my mum loathes abide with me, so we threaten to have that as every song if she gets annoying...

Original poster
ancientgran · 01/08/2021 22:25

I'm off to bed, my broken ankle is now joined by excrutiating stomach pains, I got no sleep last night so hope it goes better tonight.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 22:26

I’ve been really tempted to do this. What’s stopped me is how helpful I found planning both my parents’ funerals. Having something other than my grief to focus was really good for me and I hope it would help our kids too. I’ve kind of got round it by writing a list of music and poetry for them to choose from.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 01/08/2021 22:26

Maybe I should focus on that, it would probably be more acceptable than Danny Boy in the church.

Is it specifically the lyrics or the tune (or both) of Danny Boy that appeal to you? If it helps at all, there's an old hymn that's set to the exact same tune (Londonderry Air), which I can't imagine the priest would have any issues with in any way:

FangsForTheMemory · 01/08/2021 22:26

I think it's a great idea to plan this, it will save your kids so much hassle when it comes to organising your funeral. I'm going to put a note in with my will saying what I want. We had to choose for my mum's funeral and honestly it's not easy.

H1Drangea · 01/08/2021 22:27

I love Danny Boy …
An elderly friend of mine wants
If I ruled the world , sung by Harry Secombe at hers
Suits her , completely

I’ve semi planned mine , the songs I want , simple non religious , no long speeches
The eulogy will be
H1Drangea …she was a nice lady who loved her family and flowers
And I want loads of flowers , not wreaths , proper flowers from peoples gardens ideally

I think it’s a good idea to plan , or at least leave suggestions for how you want your funeral , saves a terrible job for the grieving family

Original poster
ancientgran · 01/08/2021 22:28

That is nice, maybe I could have that as back up if the priest won't agree to either of the others.

OP posts:
Original poster
ancientgran · 01/08/2021 22:30

@FangsForTheMemory

I think it's a great idea to plan this, it will save your kids so much hassle when it comes to organising your funeral. I'm going to put a note in with my will saying what I want. We had to choose for my mum's funeral and honestly it's not easy.
I think having 4 of them trying to agree on anything might be a challenge.
OP posts:
Ellie56 · 01/08/2021 22:30

@Gemma2019

I’ve never understood why people plan their own funerals right down to hymn choice. You’ll be dead so why does it matter to you? I’ve told my family they can do a direct cremation or donate my body to science or whatever they want as I don’t care.
It is hugely stressful arranging a funeral especially when people have different ideas. If my mum and dad had specifically requested certain music or hymns, it would have been so much easier.
ParrotsAteThemAll · 01/08/2021 22:31

Around 20 years ago I was a home carer for an elderly couple (in their 90’s) who were very liberal and forward thinking. When the lady died she had a green funeral (a non religious ceremony) with a wicker casket and a tree planted on her grave. All the songs played/sang held meaning to her or her husband, with poems and people getting up to talk about how she touched their lives. Her casket was carried out to ‘always look on the bright side of life’ as she wanted everyone to smile and remember her fondly. It was such a wonderful and very personal ceremony and I’ve always said I’ll do the same.

beigebrownblue · 01/08/2021 22:31

I'm having Monty Python's
'Always look on the bright side of life...'

Plus
the theme tune from the film

'The Great Escape'