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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Planning my Funeral

144 replies

ancientgran · 01/08/2021 21:41

I want to get everything planned so my kids don't have to worry about it. I'm trying to decide on music, I know the hymns I want as they are from childhood but I wanted something else for the end of the service.

I've always loved Danny Boy so that's a contender but then again I thought maybe something a bit more uplifting so do you think Spirit in the Sky is too over the top?

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 01/08/2021 22:31

Mum chose Danny Boy for entering the crem at her mother's funeral. She was thinking a nice musical version. Instead the undertakers chose an emotional version sung by an old crooner. Both my mum.and I dissolved into hysterics. My sister provided the cat's bum.

Still makes me smile when I think of it.

Slub · 01/08/2021 22:32

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

You have a funny username.

But you know nothing.

Original poster
ancientgran · 01/08/2021 22:33

@Blossomtoes

I’ve been really tempted to do this. What’s stopped me is how helpful I found planning both my parents’ funerals. Having something other than my grief to focus was really good for me and I hope it would help our kids too. I’ve kind of got round it by writing a list of music and poetry for them to choose from.
The problem with mine is they would have trouble agreeing on what day of the week it is so it could be tricky. Add in cat's bum face plus the other partners, then GS's might want to put their view. I think a meeting of the UN would probably be less complicated.
OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 01/08/2021 22:33

I think in the Catholic Church everyone has the same hymns at their funerals.
I watch the sunrise
Here I am lord
Walk with me, oh my lord
As I kneel before you.
Nearly every funeral I've been to I've heard these hymns 😂😂

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/08/2021 22:34

@Slub

I just want one of them SIMPLE non funerals. Carted away / incinerated/ delivered back in ashes state in a cardboard environment friendly container. If the humans left living want to celebrate my passing that's up to them 🤷‍♂️
Me too. I've told my DS I will haunt him horribly if I get a funeral as I absolutely HATE them.
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 01/08/2021 22:35

My parents have left their bodies to science - there’s a lot of paperwork they have to do in advance, you can’t just decide after they’ve died. Also, there’s no guarantee they’ll be “chosen”, post-death. You need a contingency

That happened to an elderly friend of ours who died early last year (in his 90s). I obviously didn't ask any intrusive questions, but I gather that he had left his body to science, they couldn't use it for whatever reason, and the family had to really rush to plan a funeral for him at very short notice (it was a lovely one, though).

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2021 22:36

OK, I get that. Fortunately in my case the reality is my son will be planning mine and my stepkids will defer to him. The bloke feels like you @ancientgran so he’s specified exactly what he wants.

Original poster
ancientgran · 01/08/2021 22:36

@ParrotsAteThemAll

Around 20 years ago I was a home carer for an elderly couple (in their 90’s) who were very liberal and forward thinking. When the lady died she had a green funeral (a non religious ceremony) with a wicker casket and a tree planted on her grave. All the songs played/sang held meaning to her or her husband, with poems and people getting up to talk about how she touched their lives. Her casket was carried out to ‘always look on the bright side of life’ as she wanted everyone to smile and remember her fondly. It was such a wonderful and very personal ceremony and I’ve always said I’ll do the same.
I have this vision of them all singing and clapping to Spirit in the Sky. I like that picture better than them crying. If they play it as the coffin leaves the church they could all dance down the aisle behind the coffin.
OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/08/2021 22:36

Pressed finished before I finished! I want a cremation with no funeral and my ashes mixed with the ashes of my 8 cats and scattered somewhere nice on Exmoor.
I told him to be careful where the wind is blowing so he doesn't get a faceful of me and the cats.
It's all paid for.

Original poster
ancientgran · 01/08/2021 22:39

@ParkheadParadise

I think in the Catholic Church everyone has the same hymns at their funerals. I watch the sunrise Here I am lord Walk with me, oh my lord As I kneel before you. Nearly every funeral I've been to I've heard these hymns 😂😂
I want Lead Kindly Light (one parent Catholic one protestant so I always felt drawn to it and Cardinal Newman's dilemma) and The Lord is my Shepherd which is a family tradition and has meaning for me.
OP posts:
Lactarius · 01/08/2021 22:40

It's my son's funeral on Tuesday and trying to find music that was appropriate and felt like it a connection to him was really difficult - he never used to play music or show any connection to specific pieces. It would have been much easier if we had any idea of his preferences.

As he spent most of his time playing on-line we chose one track from there (Lament of the Highborn) and The Rains of Castamere as I really like it and it felt appropriately fantasy. It'll be amusing to see if any of the attendees expect a recreation of the red wedding...

Original poster
ancientgran · 01/08/2021 22:41

Thank you all, lots to think of. Hope I haven't depressed anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
ancientgran · 01/08/2021 22:42

@Lactarius

It's my son's funeral on Tuesday and trying to find music that was appropriate and felt like it a connection to him was really difficult - he never used to play music or show any connection to specific pieces. It would have been much easier if we had any idea of his preferences.

As he spent most of his time playing on-line we chose one track from there (Lament of the Highborn) and The Rains of Castamere as I really like it and it felt appropriately fantasy. It'll be amusing to see if any of the attendees expect a recreation of the red wedding...

I hope everything goes well for you. Burying your child isn't something we should have to do.
OP posts:
Waterlemon · 01/08/2021 22:43

I would have Danny boy on my list too. When DC were little we used to have to sing it to him at bedtime. His favourite version was by Jonny Cash, which is very depressing- even for a funeral!
If I was choosing a song on My children behalf it would be “God only knows” beach boys or “how long will I love you” Ellie Golding, which is another of the DC favourites.

ParkheadParadise · 01/08/2021 22:46

@Lactarius
Sorry for your loss.
I've also had to plan my child's funeral, no parent should have to do that.
My thoughts will be with you on Tuesday.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 01/08/2021 22:47

@Slub

I know it's in AIBU, but this clearly isn't meant to be an argumentative thread.

I added my perspective - not just to you but as part of the wider discussion for everybody on this thread. Some have agreed with my outlook and others have disagreed.

I clearly said that it was your choice and you know your family best, to which you agreed (not sure that there was ever any doubt about that, mind).

If you believe that I know nothing, just ignore me - or, even better, discuss or elaborate on your own thoughts and perspectives that disagree with mine, if you so desire; but please don't be sassy and derail an otherwise kind, supportive, respectful and interesting thread.

Waterlemon · 01/08/2021 22:54

@ParkheadParadise

I think in the Catholic Church everyone has the same hymns at their funerals. I watch the sunrise Here I am lord Walk with me, oh my lord As I kneel before you. Nearly every funeral I've been to I've heard these hymns 😂😂
I’m going to add,

Amazing Grace
Hail Queen of Heaven
Ave Maria (as I kneel before you Version)

MissDai5y · 01/08/2021 22:56

We thought my mum had planned everything but turned out she'd just arranged and paid for the basics and provided no details so I think it's lovely that you're doing this for them.

If you want them to smile can you think of a song that will remind them of you when they were kids? I only say this as we ended up going a bit off piste with the unicorn song by Foster and Allen.

We had a lot of sucky years but that reminded us of her and dad when things were good and we had fun. We thought it might upset family as it's not really the sort of thing you have at a funeral but it was perfect.

ParkheadParadise · 01/08/2021 22:57

@Waterlemon
I've also heard those hymns many times 😂😂

Waterlemon · 01/08/2021 22:57

@Lactarius

It's my son's funeral on Tuesday and trying to find music that was appropriate and felt like it a connection to him was really difficult - he never used to play music or show any connection to specific pieces. It would have been much easier if we had any idea of his preferences.

As he spent most of his time playing on-line we chose one track from there (Lament of the Highborn) and The Rains of Castamere as I really like it and it felt appropriately fantasy. It'll be amusing to see if any of the attendees expect a recreation of the red wedding...

I’m so Very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you’ve made some very appropriate choices.
wheresmymojo · 01/08/2021 22:58

I want to be cremated and the song I want to be played as the curtains shut on my coffin is Nelly's "It's Getting Hot in Herrre"

Yes, I am serious.

JustLyra · 01/08/2021 23:01

Can I suggest for people who have properly favourite music that instead of deciding every detail you leave your family a list of "These are the 5 songs I like most, please pick one of them" or the likes.

Only because I had to deal with a funeral organised down to the last detail and there were two things that I hated.

They wanted to be cremated in a favourite top. They also wanted their absolute favourite song, that they played at their wedding and birthday, played at a set point.

Those closest to them, myself included, felt absolutely we had to follow their wishes. But their children would have loved to have one of those little memorial bears made using the top - it was what everyone thought of them wearing when you thought of them.

Their spouse played the music a lot when they were ill. Either with them or when they were at home when they were in the hospice. It was comforting. Since the funeral they can't bear to listen to it.

Lots of guidance is super helpful, but some little things it's no bad thing to let those who are going to be there decide just in case it's something that's too much, or that they'd like to keep as a happy memory.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 01/08/2021 23:02

I’ve toyed with this over the years.

Not for me but for my mam and dad.

Hail Holy Queen/Salve Regina from Sister Act makes them smile. And I want others to remember them with joy. Clapping, wee dance, the lot.

I’m going woodland. A wee stream and birdsong will do me.

StrawBeretMoose · 01/08/2021 23:04

Some churches won't allow non-religious songs so bear that in mind when choosing (either the venue or the music).
DH absolutely does not want a religious funeral so I guess the music can be whatever he wants.

I think it's a good idea to plan or at least leave some guidance, it's stressful for family members to do.

@Lactarius 💐 so sorry for your loss

cariadlet · 01/08/2021 23:05

Spirit in the Sky sounds a great choice. I'd have wanted the Doctor and the Medics version because it brings back great memories of being a student.

I planned my funeral a couple of years ago and decided on the music. I've since changed my mind and have paid in advance for a direct cremation.

I'm happy with that decision because I don't want the fuss of a funeral. My only regret is that I can't have 2 of my music choices.

I wanted Another One Bites the Dust by Queen and (when the coffin goes behind the curtain for the actual cremation) Fire by the Crazy World of Arthur Brown.

Dd was horrified when I told her (I had to find clips on YouTube so she knew what I was on about) but I think it would have been really funny.

I was going to finish off with What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong which is probably a bit more mainstream and socially acceptable.